WR4I (wer4idiots) wrote,

Royal Battle -- 01/18/03 (2 of 2)

Horowitz: Ladies and gentlemen, this next match is scheduled for MANY insults! Making his way to the ring, hailing from Stamford, Connecticut, and weighing in at 230 pounds, the TEXAAAAAAAAAAS KIIIIIIIIIID!

Mooney: Texas Kid, coming down to the ring now, where he has an UNBELIEVABLE task ahead of him, as he meets the President, the owner, and the Commissioner of the fWEo, Sphere. This match is taking place due to Texas Kid's inability to run the promotion smoothly in Sphere's place many weeks ago.

Zbyszko: Yeah, like this thing has EVER run smoothly.

Mooney: Texas Kid also may want some revenge for getting one of his contracts terminated the same week this match was signed, as he was competing here in the fWEo under the name "Scott Hart" as well, that being his real name of course.

TK: Dammit, Mooney, there's no one else here! I can hear you! I'm not Scott Hart!

Mooney: Of course, that contract was terminated once he showed up as a surprise entrant in a battle royal held by that OTHER promotion, and for some very, VERY strange reason, he showed up in that same promotion as a color commentator a couple weeks later.

BORT: Apparently Travis forgot that Scott Hart was handled by Andy and started using him as a jobber on fWo shows, then making him the color commentator. When the fWo restarted, Andy had no intention of bring Hart back (aside from I believe that one show where a bunch of fWEo guys who used to be in the fWo did a run-in and got their asses kicked by Team Lightning), so it's not like Hart was already there and Travis was just using him because he didn't know Andy had left (it was around this time that Travis had no idea who was still on the roster...yeah, a month or two after the "big" restart). I worked around this by using it as build toward this very match, but then it all got easier when Andy left both feds anyway and I wrote Hart out of fWEo storylines. It should also be noted that none of the new people who were writing their PPV matches knew that Hart was a former wrestler, and Eron was the most vocal in bitching about it. Yes, the same Eron who wrote the Eron-Wretch match on the same card (even though Andy was gone, Eron was still using Wretch so he could get a win over him), and wrote Hart as someone who barely knew Wretch, even though Hart originally got over in the first place as a lackey for Wretch. Wow, that was alot.

Zbyszko: Yeah, and he did a real bang-up job, too.

TK: Hey, I might not be that good of a color commentator, but that WASN'T ME!

Horowitz: And now...making his way to the ring, his opponent AND his master...from what this card says, anyway....he doesn't believe that any of the morons watching out there needs to know how much he weighs or where he's from, and he already expects everyone to know of all his accomplishments....he's the Supreme Master Ruler of Mankind....the man that every other man wishes they could be.....the sex machine that all the women talk about.....he is.....SPHERRRRRRRRRRRRRRE!

Zbyszko: I know I can't remember much from all those years of shooting up and letting it all go to my ass, but I swear to God that he stole that "master" line from me!

Mooney: I thought you were a Buddhist, Larry.

Zbyszko: That's "Living Legend", dumbass.

Mooney: Let's...refrain from the name-calling and call this match!

Zbyszko: What match? Sphere hasn't even started to walk to the ring yet!

Mooney: Hey...you're right! Sphere's just standing there at the top of the ramp looking up and stretching his arms out....


Zbyszko: What the HELL?

Mooney: Oh my! An explosion going off, and there's sparks flying everywhere around Sphere, who's still just standing there!

Zbyszko: Since when does ANYONE in this promotion get their own pyro?

Mooney: Well, he *is* the owner....and the President....and the Commissioner. I'm guessing that he is...allowing himself to have his own pyro!

Zbyszko: I don't care who he is! In my day, NO ONE had pyro! Hell, no one had entrance music!

Sphere: And no one had the ability to keep the crowd's interest either, douchebag! Hoo-ha!

Mooney: Sphere flips Zbyszko the bird as he steps in between the ropes....in the ring now, just smirking in our direction....and there's the bell!

Mooney: Sphere turns around, and trips over a spur on Texas Kid's boot, causing him to fall face-first onto the mat!

TK: Whoops, must've forgotten to take that one off. I'll just....hey, wait, he's down!

Mooney: Cover!

Mooney: 1!

Mooney: 2!

Mooney: 3!

Mooney: Texas Kid wins! Texas Kid wins!

See, that's how you write a heel that goes around pissing people off while being "funny" and "cool" at the same time. Just have him lose miserably. He's not going to lose any heat and if he turns face due to being "funny" and "cool", he's just going to end up as a watered-down version of his heel character.

Zbyszko: This just proves that the only reason I'm still working here is to please all my fans.

Mooney: Folks, as the referee checks on Sphere, we're going to head backstage, where we'll hear from all thirty participants in the Royal Battle match, which is NEXT!

BORT: These promos are done in much the same fashion as the early Royal Rumble promos were done. It's just one guy in the "interview" area with a quick line, and then it cuts to the next guy, and so on and so on.

Heftel: Thirty men...or...mostly men, and some women....and then there's some inanimate objects, too...anyway...thirty com-pet-i-tors...and if I get my way, I'll be the FIRST one thrown over that top rope!"

Ken War: hardkorr!!!111

Stump: ...

Bigelow: When Bam Bam wins the Royal Battle, he's gonna kill the punk who took his Hanes! *celebrates*

Mr. T: I forsee an athletic contest of epic proportions. May the best man win.

VelJohnson: It's the biggest match in the fWEo's history, so you can bet on seeing at least ONE...VelJohnson-A-Rooni.

Kamikazie: Once again I climb to the rafters. When will I crush myself and my enemies? Only time will tell. When will I get out of the hospital? Only time will tell. When will I get a less painful job? Only time will tell. Where was I?

A bottle of 7-UP: ...

Evil Smokey: I'm bouts ta eat every bitch in dat ring, ya heard? Now, some cracka betta tell me who stole my boy's tape!

Razor: Hey, mang. Maybe Da Bad Guy will be the one...who's headed...to Slamboree!

Sarah: Royal Battle. 29 jobbers? No big. There isn't any wiggins going on here. And did I mention that I absolutely love Angel?

Mongo: A shot at the title! Mongo's gonna go cray-za now, bay-ba!

BORT: That second sentence was partially taken from the song "Kick Out The Jams", or at least the version that appears on the ECW Extreme Music CD.

Oddjob: ...

Nine: Hey, I'm gonna win this thing and... hey... where are you all going!? :-(

Nowell: Sphere, you will die for this. I mean it.

BQ: Oh yeah, it's Royal Battle time, and rest assured, Black Quicksilver will be rockin' and rollin' his way to victory!

BORT: Further proof that I'm the biggest Rockers mark EVER.

A bottle of Cherry 7-UP: ...

Duggan: HOOO! You know what, there's gonna be alot of TOUGH GUYS in that ring, but they don't come no tougher that good ol' "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan! HOOO!

BORT: This is probably REALLY close to an actual pre-Rumble promo from Duggan.

Kid: Yeah, it's, uh...the 1-2-3 Kid, and with Evil-Lyn by my side...hey, maybe I'll win this thing, you know?

Warrior: The tomatoes have aligned with the avocados, and the turnip gods have proclaimed that the winner of the Royal Battle, machomanrandysavage, will be...THE WARRIORRRRRAARRGGHH!

BORT: See my commentary after Duggan's line.

Insano: ¿No tengo ninguna ocasión en ganar esta noche? Nada pero poopooheados en el fWEo.

Jackhammer: Ooh, I'm Jackhammer. Scary.

BORT: This line is great if you picture Jackhammer doing the "if I wiggle my fingers it makes me look scary/scared" motion.

Parka: *Shimmy*

Funpants: I'm still in this thing?

Waru: Am I looking at the camera?

Kay Fabe: Finally, Kay Fabe, has come to Royal Battle to lay the carpet down on all the chunky monkey's asses, because nobody in pink hell will eliminate the Lesbian. One by one, everyone will taste the Lesbian's tongue, and one by damn one, they will taste Kay's Bottom.

Underweartaker: ...

Greene: RRR...RUFF! I'm eating! GRRR...

LT: There might not be any end zones in the ring, but Numba 56 is goin' to San Diego!

Renegade: What? *shrugs*

Mooney: Living Legend, the time has arrived...

Zbyszko: This company just went out of business? Thank the Lord!

Mooney: No, no. It's time for our main event!

Zbyszko: Now that sucks worse than '95.

BORT: I THINK this was a reference to the '95 Rumble match sucking, but it doesn't count toward our "parodies" that pop up throughout the match. Speaking of which, I don't believe there are any parodies for the '88 or '89 Rumble matches, as I hadn't seen either before writing this. I also hadn't seen the '90 or '93 Rumbles, but '90 was easy to parody since everyone knows what the biggest moment of that match was. I can't remember if we did one for '93, but I will, naturally, point it out if I see it.

Mooney: Perhaps, but...wait, what is Sphere doing back out here? There appears to be a moist towelette on his forehead, held there by a piece of scotch tape, most likely to cover up the injury he sustained in his match with the Texas Kid earlier this evening. He's walking up to some sort of podium to the right of the entrance way....

Sphere: God dammit, Mooney, SHUT THE HELL UP!

Mooney: And he has a microphone.

Sphere: I'm out here because it's time for the MAIN EVENT. It's time for the 30-man battle royal, where the winner gets to face ME, the Supreme Antichrist Mega Heel himself, for the Sphere Heavyweight Championship at WrestleActionZone, LIVE on April 13th! Yes, I know some of the competitors in this match aren't men, but I'm not about to rename it a 30 "person" battle royal, so screw all you politically correct jerkoffs.

Mooney: Sphere's really...

Sphere: I'm not finished, Little Bitch!

Mooney: He's talking to me.

Zbyszko: I could've told you THAT even BEFORE I won my first World Title.

Sphere: Anyway, a person is eliminated once both their feet touch the arena floor. As for the intervals...no, it isn't every two minutes. You see, I'll be standing here, and I'll randomly be picking a piece of paper from this hat. On each piece of paper is a description of someone in the battle royal. Once their description is called, they must enter the ring.

BORT: I figured this would be easier (and "funnier") than just trying to figure out when two minutes have passed. Plus it's not like the WWF always went by "every two minutes", anyway.

Mooney: Surely this will be an exciting contest.

Sphere: I need to buy a few more cattle prods. So, let's begin, shall we? Number one...well, this is a special one, as I have THIS description tucked away safely in my pocket...

Mooney: What? Folks, this can't be fair! Sphere reaching into his pocket....pulls out the piece of paper...

Sphere: If your name starts with "B" and ends with "lack Quicksilver", then congratulations! YOU are the first entrant in the first-ever Royal Battle match!

Mooney: And here comes Black Quicksilver! Although he's a very popular superstar, he's been at odds with Sphere lately, which leads me to believe the number one drawing was rigged somehow...

Zbyszko: Oh, please. You think everything's rigged! You probably think the outcomes of all those contests back in the American Wrestling Association were pre-determined!

Mooney: Quicksilver slides into the ring, and let's see who drew number two...

Sphere: If you're big...if you're bad... if you're a big jobber with a puppy, AND you have a girlfriend named Sarah, then YOU'RE NUMBER TWO!

Mooney: And Adam Nowell gets shoved through the curtain!

BORT: I don't know if that was mine or Renner's idea, but Nowell getting PUSHED through the curtain is great attention to detail, as technically he ISN'T Sarah's boyfriend and thus would not come out because that description doesn't fit him.

Nowell: God dammit, Sphere, I'm not Sarah's boyfriend. I'd kill you if I didn't have this match.

Sphere: I don't doubt that for a second. Now get your sorry ass to the ring.

Mooney: Nowell reluctantly making his way to the ring now....

Zbyszko: Hey, what are those ham-n-eggers doing?

Mooney: It appears as if the fWEo preliminary wrestlers are attaching two huge objects to seperate ringposts...I can't make out what they are...

Sphere: Before this match starts...two things. First, Angel, you might want to listen to this. There's a one dollar bounty on Quicksilver's head. Whoever eliminates him from this match gets one dollar.

Nowell: Only a dollar?

BQ: I'm worth a dollar! Whoo!

BORT: This is the '99 parody. Vince McMahon (owner) forces Steve Austin (top babyface) to be the #1 entrant and puts a bounty on his head, offering...ten thousand dollars? I think it was that much...yeah, whoever eliminated Austin would get the money.

Sphere: Second, I've stolen a sliding board and a diving board from the set of WCW's "Bash At The Beach". Anyone in this match may feel free to use them as they see fit. That is all.

Cow: Moo.

Mooney: And we're off!

Zbyszko: They're just standing there! It's like a junior high dance!

BQ: C'mon! Come and get me!

Nowell: I don't want no dollar.

BQ: But...but I'm a vampire! An EVIL one!

Nowell: Good for you.

BQ: I suck!

BQ: Wait, wait, don't say anything there.

Sphere: Uh, hello? The Ladies Room called...they want their STALL back!

BQ: Chicks? Where?

Nowell: Huh? SARAH? NO!

Mooney: And Nowell jumps into BQ's arms, trembling with fear!

Nowell: You're scared, too?

BQ: Yes, but not for the same reason you are. I'm trembling with fear because I'm holding a GUY like this.

Sphere: Alright, I think it's time for the number three entrant. Let's see what we got here...if you love tattoos and cartwheels, then COME ON DOWWWWN!

Mooney: It's Bam Bam Bigelow!

Zbyszko: Why does he keep stretching like that?

Mooney: Word from the back says that someone stole his pair of Hanes underwear earlier this evening.

BORT: And thus begins the biggest "mystery" storyline I've ever written.

Zbyszko: So he's not wearing any underwear?

Mooney: I'm afraid not. BQ puts Nowell down...they're gonna try to double-team Bigelow here, which is actually a smart move.

Zbyszko: How is that possible? Did someone with talent steal Quicksilver's wardrobe and run down to the ring?

Mooney: We got some clubberin' going on!

BQ: Whoo-doggy!

Nowell: I can't believe I'm doing this.

BORT: "Clubberin" is when two guys are pounding one guy to the ground by repeatedly hitting him with both fists in the back. I can't help but think both BQ and Nowell's reactions fit perfectly in this situation.

Bigelow: Do either of you guys have my Hanes?

Nowell: No. Go die in a ditch.

BQ: I don't either. And what's with the brand name placement? Couldn't you just say "underwear"?

Bigelow: Bam Bam's tryin' to make some cash, brotha.

BQ: Please don't call me that. We don't share parents.

Mooney: Nowell's abandoning the double-team, and he's chosen to sit Indian-style in the corner.

Nowell: Must...kill...Sphere...

Zbyszko: NOW who's smart, Mooney?

Mooney: I still want to shake my tush to some Latin beat.

Zbyszko: Die.

Sphere: Oh, hey, whaddaya know, it's time for the next entrant. If you wear a mask, then YOU are number four!

Mooney: It's Mr. T!

Zbyszko: And La Parka!

Mooney: And...Insano Mano?

Zbyszko: Waru? How'd he manage to get out here?

Mooney: Folks, it seems like we've got a few confused superstars here.

Mr. T: It appears we've run into quite a quandary here.

Waru: I don't know what's going on or who just said what or how many other people are here, but this is quite the quandary.

La Parka: *Shimmy*

Mano: Sí, también convengo con el hombre asiático oculto.

Mr. T: Well, friends, I propose a game of "Rock-Paper-Scissors", in which the winner gets to...

Sphere: T, no one knows what you're saying! Now just shut up, and I'll randomly select which one of you gets to go to the ring...


Mooney: Look! In the ring!

Zbyszko: It's Kamikazie Ken!

Sphere: Uh...Kamikazie Ken!

Mooney: The other masked wrestlers heading to the back now...except for Waru, who falls off the edge of the ramp....Kamikazie Ken apparently leaped into the ring from the rafters, and is now completely unconscious in the middle of the squared circle!

Sphere: Yes...Kamikazie Ken. He's a complete moron, folks. Let's get the next competitor out here, shall we? Ah-he-hem....if you are a big-breasted, redhead Lesbian who dabbles in witchcraft and wants to sleep with me and be converted to Team Sphere, you are number five!

Mooney: That can only be one person...

Zbyszko: No one's coming out!

Sphere: Alright, alright...fine. Forget the last part.


Mooney: It's Kay Fabe!

Sphere: NOT! Hehehehehehe! I got you SO good!

Mooney: Oh my! Sphere just got hit in the side of the head with a tampon!

BORT: I can't remember if it was me or Leary who wrote that line. If it was me, then I don't know how I managed to do that, since I have this fear of tampons. It doesn't even have to be used, or even out of the package. They just...creep me out for some reason.

Kay: Make any more comments like that toward Kay Fabe and you will feel Kay's Bottom!

Sphere: Um, can I just touch it without making any more comments?

Kay: Declare me the winner now and you can *she slides her hand up and down her backside a couple of times*.....hmm...actually, Kay Fabe says you are a man. And therefore you will never...and Kay Fabe means EVER EVER EVER, will your hands touch the Lesbian's ass!

Sphere: Lovely. Now get your Lesbian ass to the ring.

Zbyszko: Look at her SHAKE THAT ASS!

Mooney: Kay Fabe making her way to the ring...

Kay: Awwwww, crap. BQ is the closest thing to a woman in here.

BQ: Boo-yah! Pay up!

Mooney: And Bigelow hands BQ a five-dollar bill!

Kay: BQ. Do you want to go one, on, one, with this lesbian?

BQ: You actually refer to me by my initials? That's creepy. And, I'm sorry, but I suck at basketball, so I don't think I'd try to take you on.

Mooney: And Kay Fabe is bitch slapping Black Quicksilver. She licks the palm of her hand, from the tips of her fingers to the palm of her hand, and rocks him into the corner with a mega-bitch slap.

BORT: That was definitely written by Leary, and I have no idea if it was intentional on his part to have Mooney sound so disinterested in calling that sequence.

Zbyszko: Whatever happened to the good old days when women were barefoot and pregnant and making my dinner?

Mooney: Those days ended when the police arrested all the hookers you were housing, I do believe.

Zbyszko: Don't remind me! I missed tee time at my country club that week!

Sphere: Okay, I'm tired of all this bitch-slapping that's taking place. I only like bitch-slapping when it's two girls, or when *I* am the one doing the bitch-slapping, thank you very much. If you were the rightful star of a sitcom that ran from 1989 to 1998 which focused on a African-American family that resided in Chicago, then you're number six!

Mooney: That's Reginald VelJohnson's music...but where is he?

Zbyszko: I don't know, but that annoying song sure does have the attention of all the conscious wrestlers!

Mooney: Yes...Black Quicksilver, Bam Bam Bigelow, Adam Nowell, and Kay Fabe are all looking up at the entrance way, while Kamikazie Ken is still out cold in the middle of the ring.

Zbyszko: Who's that coming in through the crowd?

Mooney: It's Reginald VelJohnson! And nobody sees him! He...well...TRIES to hop the guardrail, it takes him a while....and he's in the ring...

Zbyszko: The moron just tripped! He forgot to tie one of his shoelaces!

Mooney: And now everyone sees him! Nowell over to grab him...

VelJohnson: No, wait! I gotta do the VelJohnson-A-Roo...

Mooney: Nowell dumps VelJohnson over the top rope! Reginald VelJohnson is the first man eliminated from the Royal Battle!

BORT: This is how Austin entered the '98 Rumble, only he was a bit more successful. He actually made it into the ring without tripping and eliminated Marc Mero while everyone else was looking toward the entrance waiting for him. Well, except for Thrasher, who just stood there in the corner watching the whole thing and never thought to tell anyone "Hey, there he is!".

Zbyszko: Nowell has a point now, right?

Mooney: No, no. That's a different promotion's battle royal you're thinking of, and that one is still a little over a week away.

Zbyszko: Is it? Feels like it already happened.

BORT: fWo's Body Count battle royal. It happened AFTER this show, but like usual, this show was a little late.

Sphere: Reginald VelJohnson. He's a big, dumb animal, folks. If no one can understand a goddamn word you say, then get out here. You're number seven.

Mooney: It's Mr. T!

Zbyszko: I'll treat my mother how *I* want to treat her. That goes for your mother, too, Mooney.

Mooney: My father, too?

Zbyszko: Is your father a mother?

Mooney: My mother's a mother.

Zbyszko: I DETEST you.

Mooney: Back to the action here...wait, is Mr. T wearing a tie?

Zbyszko: Yeah, that's what grown men usually wear, Polly Prissypants.

Mr. T: Gentlemen, please, stop fighting.

Mooney: I don't know what Mr. T is trying to tell the other competitors in the ring, but they've all just been standing there for last few minutes...

Mr. T: I say we should resuscitate this unfortunate man in the middle of the ring, and since there are six of us, we pair off into three groups of two, and make it look like we are attempting to eliminate each other. Yes, I will teach you the fine art of resting during a match. Now, to be fair, the two women will go in one group...

BQ: Why are you pointing at me? What's going on?

Bigelow: Bam Bam sees you wearin' a tie. You wearin' Bam Bam's Hanes, too?

Mr. T: I assure you, I'm currently sporting a lovely pair of Fruit of the Looms.

Bigelow: You betta an-sa Bam Bam, punk.

Mr. T: I just did.

Bigelow: Looks like you gonna be missin' some teeth!

Mooney: And Bam Bam Bigelow cartwheels right into Mr. T!

Mr. T: That hurt! Watch where you are going next time, or I will give you a stern talking-to!

Zbyszko: That vampire-cover-boy is sitting in the corner again!

Nowell: Must kill Sphere....must...rip his eyes....out of his head!

Mooney: Meanwhile, BQ cartwheels right into Mr. T! Bam Bam doesn't seem too happy about that...

Bigelow: Yo, punk!

BQ: Yeeeeeees?

Bigelow: Why you stealin' Bam Bam's moves? You already said you didn't steal his Hanes, but Bam Bam SAW you steal his move!

BQ: I didn't steal it. I borrowed it. I like to borrow.

Zbyszko: What's T doing?

Mooney: It appears that he's approaching Kay Fabe, which could turn out to be a mistake...

Mr. T: Hello, I was wondering if...

Mooney: Bitchslap by Kay Fabe!

Sphere: Okay, that was SORTA entertaining...if you have yet to reach puberty and love the color blue, then you are entrant number eight!

Mooney: It's your favorite and mine, the 1-2-3 Kid!

Zbyszko: Screw the Kid!

Mooney: Of course, he's accompanied to the ring by Evil-Lyn, who has unintentionally grabbed the attention of Kay Fabe!

Zbyszko: Surprise, surprise. The idiot Kid just tripped over Kamikazie Ken! Can he do anything right?

Mooney: Well, you must remember, Rob Bartlett, that the Kid, for the first time in his fWEo career, is not under the tutelage of Black Quicksilver...

Zbyszko: And that's a DISADVANTAGE?

Mooney: Black Quicksilver is his mentor, and due to the every-man-for-himself nature of this match, Quicksilver cannot help him tonight.

Zbyszko: He could. He just probably doesn't want to. That Kid's a complete moron.

Mooney: And Bam Bam Bigelow is stomping away at the 1-2-3 Kid!

Bigelow: If you wearin' Bam Bam's Hanes, you betta not piss in 'em!

Mooney: Meanwhile, Kay Fabe is leaning in between the first and second rope, attempting to get Evil-Lyn's attention...

Zbyszko: Where the hell did Kay Fabe get those bright orange flags from?

Mooney: I'm not sure I want to know.

Sphere: Jesus Christ, they're not making out yet? Let's see who number nine is....hmph. If you use alot of smiley faces or some crap, then get out here.

Mooney: From what we're told, that's Janitor Nine. We don't know much about him, but there's a rumor that he's currently a champion.

Zbyszko: THIS guy is a champion? I'm telling you, anyone can hold a title these days.

Mooney: Even me?

Zbyszko: Okay, maybe not you. Unless they bring back the six-man tag titles and you join the Rainbow Express.

Mooney: Who?

Zbyszko: Nothing.

BORT: The Rainbow Express was the name Lodi and Alan "Kwee-Wee" Funk (now named "Bruce") used in TNA when it first started. It was originally supposed to be Lodi and Lenny Lane, continuing their angle from their days in WCW as the West Hollywood Blondes, but either Lane got hurt before their first match or he WAS a member of the Rainbow Express, got hurt in the middle of the angle, and was replaced by Bruce. The joke that Zbyszko makes here is that the Rainbow Express were supposed to be gay, and he believes Mooney is gay as well, so he thinks he'd be a perfect fit for that team.

Nine: Look! It's the unconscious body of Kamikazie Ken! =-O

Zbyszko: What's he doing?

Mooney: Look! An eagle!

Zbyszko: I hate this job.

Nine: Hello? :-\ Please acknowledge my existence, Mr. Unconscious! :-(

Mooney: Yes, it seems that Janitor Nine is trying everything to get Kamikazie Ken's attention. Wouldn't that lead to Kamikazie Ken trying to do something else insane and ill-advised?

Zbyszko: How should I know? I'm not a flippy floppity guy. I was a GRAPPLER, dammit.

Mooney: Wait...Kay Fabe, who's had her eyes on Evil-Lyn for the past few minutes, has scaled the ropes...and she's walking onto the diving board!

Zbyszko: She's going to speak for all of us by committing suicide!

Mooney: Well, I knew she liked diving, but I didn't know it was *this* kind of diving. Wait, was that your line, Larry?

Zbyszko: I don't know, I'm supposed to get the script for this match in about two weeks.

Mooney: Kay Fabe jumps off the diving board....right onto Evil-Lyn with a Thesz press!

Zbyszko: Holy CRAP! A Thesz press! I think I'm gonna have a heart attack!

Mooney: Not again!

Kay: Kay Fabe saw you were drowning out here on the floor and has come......to protect you, or something.

Evil-Lyn: Um...thanks, I guess. I'm not use to this "valet" thing.

Kay: You're doing a fine job. But you could rotate your hips a little. That will make you an even better valet.

Evil-Lyn: You mean when I'm walking back and forth and pretending to cheer the guy on?


Kay: What he said. Hey, are you looking at the Lesbian's cantaloupes?

Evil-Lyn: Canta-what?

Kay: Melons. Rack. Yum-yums.

Evil-Lyn: No thanks. I'm not hungry. Especially with you, you know, laying on top of me and all.

Kay: Well, Kay Fabe would get off, but Kay Fabe hasn't yet. Perhaps you could join me for a drink later at my hotel room? You bring the bathrobe....Kay Fabe will bring the defribilator.

Waru: Yay! I finally made it to Starrcade!

Zbyszko: Where the hell did he come from?

Mooney: He fell off the ramp earlier...but it appears that Waru's somehow found his way to ringside. I can understand why we all missed it, due to what's going on at the bottom of the ramp....right...now...

Sphere: Dammit, Waru. Well, yeah, you're number ten, sucks for us. Now someone get him in the frickin' ring.

Nowell: Sphere...must...die.

Mooney: Nowell is looking right at Waru as he continues to utter those three words...

Nowell: Sphere....must...die.

Waru: Um, who must die?

Mooney: And Nowell reaches through the ropes and grabs Waru by the throat! He must see Sphere in Waru's place! Nowell now pulling Waru into the ring, and he's giving him the beating of a lifetime!

Zbyszko: Look, that goof Kamikazie Ken is moving!

Kamikazie: Holy crap, I actully *hit* the ring?

Nine: Finally! Now you can eliminate me! :-D

Kamikazie: I think I need a thermometer. I must not be feeling okay.

Mooney: Nine attempts to hand Kamikazie Ken a thermometer...

Kamikazie: Nobody has a thermometer? Darn.

Nine: Hey! I'm right here! >:o

Mooney: And Kamikazie Ken just sneezed.

Nine: Yuck! You sneezed on me! You sneezed right all over me and it's all gooey! :'(

Kamikazie: Hmm. Something, is making me allergic. I think it's dust!

Nine: I'm not dusty! :-(

Kamikazie: *ACHOOO*

Nine: Stop sneezing on me. I might catch your cold. :-(

Kamikazie: *ACHOO*

Kamikazie: *ACHOO*

Kamikazie: *ACHOO*

Nine: What is it that Eleven says... oh yeah... YOU BIG MEANIEHEAD! >:o

Kamikazie: Can't..*ACHOO*...stop *ACHOO*...sneezing!

Nine: I'm going to punch you if you don't stop sneezing! >:o


Kamikazie: Hmm. That was quite unexpected. I sneezed so hard I farted.

Zbyszko: Nine NAILS Kamikazie Ken! Who knew he had a set of balls?

Kamikazie: Yowza. I didn't know my sneezing was so offensive. And now you're mad at me. But I know what will solve our relationship.

Mooney: Where is Kamikazie Ken going?

Zbyszko: He just grabbed something from under the ring!

Mooney: He's going to... wait, what's that oblong-shaped thing?

Zbyszko: It's not a weapon? He must be *really* sick.

Kamikazie: Just a short while ago, I won the coveted Brawlers On a Budget Stupid Bowl I football. Signed by one of the stars of the SuperBowl. Though I can't quite read who. But, my friend, I will allow you to touch this big prize as a peace offering between us.

Nine: Ooh, really?

Kamikazie: Well, I WAS gonna show it to that Janitor Nine guy... but, yes, really.

Mooney: What a valueless prize Janitor Nine now holds in his hands!

Nine: Hey, Ken! GO LONG! :-D

Zbyszko: Football? What about the human game of chess!

Kamikazie: I'M OPEN I'M OPEN!

Mooney: The bum tosses the football!

Zbyszko: With a flubbed toss like that, it's obvious he's no legend.

Kamikazie: AHHHHHHH!

Mooney: Kamikazie Ken just made a SPECTACULAR catch! But in doing so flew over the top rope and crashed through a ringside table!

Zbyszko: Wait! The Referee is ruling it an incomplete pass!

Mooney: Oh, what a shame for Kamikazie Ken. He's unconscious and can't challenge the ruling on the field.

Sphere: Was that boring or WAS THAT BORING? Entering at number eleven is someone who has a misdirected obsession for some vampire wannabe and an unhealthy banana-fixation. This entrant also talks funny.

Mooney: Uh-oh...

Sphere: Oh, and now you're ALL going to die! Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Nowell: No. No no no no no no NO!

Mooney: It's Sarah the Jobber Slayer!

Zbyszko: What's the red-head doing?

Mooney: It appears as if she's making her dismount!

Kay: Did you see Evil-Lyn attack me! Slayer her Sarah!

Mooney: Now Kay Fabe looking back at Evil-Lyn and whispering something to her...

Kay: If she beats you into traction, Kay Fabe will take great care of you. I'm in Room 223.

Sarah: You see this invisible 10 foot pole? Not even touching that one. But I do see Angel, and he is somebody I'll gladly poke.

Zbyszko: The red head's leaving? She didn't even do anything!

Mooney: Sarah gets into the ring, and she grabs Mr. T by his tie!

Sarah: I guess we'll have to change your name to Mr. C-U-Later.

Zbyszko: Whoa! She yanked him over the top rope by his tie!

BORT: Roddy Piper eliminated IRS from the '92 Rumble in similiar fashion. That was the sole reason I had Mr. T wearing a tie.

Mooney: Now she turns her attention to the 1-2-3 Kid...

Sarah: OK. The choice is simple. You can either eliminate yourself, or I can do it for you. I'll give you three seconds to decide. One....

Kid: Um...

Sarah: Two...

Kid: What was that again? WWBQD?

Sarah: Three.

Mooney: Sarah the Jobber Slayer sends the 1-2-3 Kid over the top rope with a palm strike!

Zbyszko: A PALM STRIKE? I don't care who you are or who hit you with it...you NEVER get eliminated with a PALM STRIKE.

Mooney: What if it were Jushin "Thunder" Liger executing the maneuver?

Zbyszko: I don't like that guy.

Mooney: How come?

Zbyszko: He once had a Tomer on his brain.

Mooney: He had a *tumor*.

Zbyszko: Whatever.

Mooney: Wait...wait just a minute...I don't think the Kid's been eliminated! He's hanging on to the top rope...I think only one foot's hit the floor!

Kid: Only one! I'm not out yet!

Ref: Actually, you are. I might be the only person alive who sees it, but your second foot hit the floor already. That probably wasn't supposed to happen, but unlike other people, I'm not going to overlook it.

Kid: Shucks.

Mooney: So, yes, the 1-2-3 Kid is definitely out of this match.

BORT: That right there is me voicing my displeasure over the finish to the '95 Rumble. I swear that BOTH of Shawn Michaels' feet hit the floor when they showed the replay of him doing the "Wait! I'm not out! Look at my legs swinging around and only one of them touching the floor!" thing. Apparently no one else saw what I saw, so...I don't know, maybe I'm insane or something.

Zbyszko: Praise be to God Himself.

Mooney: Sarah turns around...and it looks like Black Quicksilver is her next target!

Sarah: Ever tasted a size six stylish yet affordable boot?

BQ: Many ti--

Zbyszko: WHAM!

Mooney: Sarah with a thrust kick sends Quicksilver over the top rope...and...what's this? The 1-2-3 Kid is lying on his back on the arena floor, and he's pushing BQ up onto the apron with his feet!

Zbyszko: Now wait just a minute here! How are they parodying this year's when it's still another twenty-four hours away?

The '03 Rumble took place the day after this, but like I said earlier, this match was running late, so I was able to throw a parody of Shannon Moore constantly helping Matt Hardy avoid elimination in there.

Mooney: I'm not quite sure, but Sarah the Jobber Slayer is in full control of this match now...she shoves Janitor Nine out of the way...not sure why she chose not to eliminate him....

Zbyszko: Hey, I think she's looking for her boyfriend!

Mooney: Yes, perhaps she's looking for Adam Nowell...and I think he's hiding behind Bam Bam Bigelow! Sarah seems to think that, too...

Sarah: Hey big boy...I hear you can't find your Hanes, but if you move out of my way, I'll give you mine later tonight.

Mooney: Bigelow celebrates his way out of the corner...and....no! It wasn't Nowell hiding behind Bigelow, but Waru, instead!

Sarah: Tee-hee. Good one.

Mooney: Sarah shoves Waru out of the way...and there's Nowell! He was holding Waru in front of him!

Zbyszko: He couldn't outsmart a BLONDE?

Nowell: Aw, man, you're useless, blind man.

Waru: Who said that?

Nowell: I did

Waru: I don't know who you are, but I'll have you know that if I could see you right now, I'd give you a right bashing.

Sarah: Angel! You're...

Sphere: If you, well, die alot, then get out here and get slaughtered. Number twelve.

Mooney: It's Ken War...who wastes no time in getting into the ring!

Ken War: hardkorr!!11

Sarah: I'll spare you the witty remark.

Zbyszko: Sweet Mary of Jesus! She...she ripped him apart, Mooney!

Mooney: Yes she did, Lord Alfred...and now everyone in the ring...well, except for Waru...are picking up all of Ken War's body parts and dumping them over the top rope! Ken War has been eliminated! All of him!

Sphere: You think that satisfied me? If you have more talent than almost all the fWEo roster combined...that'd be excluding myself, of course...and you weigh no more than a single dumbbell, then you're lucky number thirteen!

Mooney: What does everybody want?

Zbyszko: A GOOD job?

Mooney: No! Stump!

Zbyszko: That joke got old four years ago.

Mooney: I don't know how, but Stump's in the ring...and Quicksilver is back in, after coming close to elimination at the hands of Sarah the Jobber Slayer...Quicksilver picks up Stump...

Stump: ...

BQ: Yeah, I'm all nostalgic, too.

Mooney: Look at Quicksilver go! He nails Waru with Stump!

Zbyszko: And Bigelow!

Mooney: And...okay, maybe not Janitor Nine.

Nine: :(

Mooney: He's gonna go after Adam Nowell now...

Nowell: I'm probably going to be sorry for asking this, but what are you and that wooden block thing doing?

BQ: Stump and I are trying to elimidate you. It's the name of the game, after all.

BORT: I thought that "elimidate" was a typo, but Renner assures me I did that on purpose.

Nowell: And you think you're gonna eliminate me by gently poking that thing against my chest?

BQ: It's a possibility.

Sarah: ANGEL!

Mooney: Sarah the Jobber Slayer has just noticed that Nowell is close to elimination, and she's headed in his direction!

Nowell: So, is it a bit late to eliminate me with that thing?

BQ: I'd say. I don't want her to kill me!

Nowell: Well, what do we do then?

BQ: We should move out of the way.

Mooney: Quicksilver and Nowell move out of the way of a charging Sarah...but Stump's still there!

Zbyszko: I don't think she sees Stump, Mooney!

Mooney: I can't believe it! Stump just sent Sarah the Jobber Slayer over the top rope with a back bodydrop! Sarah the Jobber Slayer has been...eliminated?

Zbyszko: And Sarah isn't moving on the floor. You don't think she's....

Mooney: She's, what?

Zbyszko: I don't know. I'm lost here.


Mooney: Nowell is dancing. Oh, this is a horrific sight!

Nine: You dance like a monkey who's crapping at the same time! =-O

Nowell: If I knew who said that, I'd punch them in the face!

Waru: Oh, God, I hope it's not me.

Mooney: Wait. Get the camera into position. I think we're about to have some plot development. Sarah's eyes just opened. And she sits up quickly and looks into the ring at Nowell with wide eyes!

Nowell: SHIT. Why, God? Why have you forsaken me? What have I done to deserve ANY of this?

BORT: This is all Renner and Leary writing here, and I don't really know alot about Buffy, but I find it hilarious that Nowell thought Sarah died after being back-bodydropped out of the ring by an inanimate object.

Sarah: Angel. Why didn't...hey....why can't I...climb onto the ring apron...what the? OH NO! Not again!

Mooney: And Sarah is running away from the ring, like a girl!

Nowell: Well, at least I'm safe for the remainder of the match!

Mooney: Bam Bam dumps Nowell from behind and celebrates!

Zbyszko: Never say that again. At least while I'm around.

Bigelow: That dollar is Bam Bam's, punk!

Nowell: Fine. Whatever. I'm leaving.

Waru: If someone's in my way, watch out!

Mooney: Waru just threw what appeared to be a practice dropkick, and he connected with Bam Bam Bigelow! Bigelow is gone from this match!

Zbyszko: What the hell? A dropkick from that guy was enough to send Bigelow over the top rope?

Mooney: Well, yes, apparently. The ring has been cleared out just a little within the past few minutes, and still in there are Black Quicksilver, Stump, Waru, and Janitor Nine.

Zbyszko: Yeah, a GREAT collection of athletes...

Mooney: Quicksilver and Stump are taking a breather, even though it appears Janitor Nine is ready to go....and Waru is trying to climb up that sliding board!

Sphere: If you're a third-rate knock-off of a popular star from the 1980's who liked to paint his face and give the worst promos ever, then you're number fourteen.

Mooney: Here comes the Renegade!

Sphere: What have I just done? He bores me. If you're only purpose is to look refreshing, then you're number fifteen.

Mooney: It's a bottle of 7-UP!

Zbyszko: I hate that stuff. It doesn't make me go to the bathroom.

Mooney: A bottle of 7-UP hits the ring...and it immediately goes after Stump! Look at them, just TEARING into each other!

Zbyszko: What's that masked buffoon doing?

Renegade: Is there a reason you keep punching me in the shin?

BQ: I'm slowly weakening you.

Renegade: Is that so?

BQ: Maybe.

Mooney: Renegade grabs Quicksilver...backbreaker!

BQ: I...didn't know...I'd actually...bump...in this match...

Sphere: If you're a crack addict who paints his face and rambles on and on about absolutely nothing, then YOU are entrant number sixteen!

Mooney: It's the ULTIMATE WARRIOR!

Zbyszko: Yeah, he'll bring this match out of the gutter for sure.

Mooney: Warrior slides into the ring...and...did he just shoulderblock Janitor Nine?

Nine: Contact! :)

Mooney: He might've just accidentally bumped into him, guess we'll never know for sure...but he's going right for Renegade!

Warrior: Renegade! The One who has stolen everything of the Warrior's! You have stolen the Warrior's trademarks, the Warrior's mannerisms, the Warrior's repertoire, the Warrior's fine hos...and for that, YOU MUST FEEL THE WRATH OF THE WARRIORRRRRRRRAAAAAARRRRGGHHH!

Renegade: Huh?

Warrior: The Warrior commands you to bounce off the ropes, while the Warrior himself bounces off the ropes on the other side of this Coliseum that we refer to as the squared circle, and when we meet, we shall take each other down with the maneuver known as the double clothesline! For THIS is the showdown for all ages, as we stand here, alone in the ring.

Waru: Hey, I might be on the sliding board, but I'm still here!

Nine: I'm here! Well...sorta... :(

Stump: ...

7-UP: ...

BQ: ...

BQ: I mean, oh, yeah, I'm here. Frickin' stiff botched a backbreaker, but I'm still here!

Renegade: There's no way I'm going to help you recreate that spot.

Mooney: And there goes Warrior! He clotheslines Renegade...and falls to the mat!

Zbyszko: Renegade didn't even clothesline him! And he never budged off Warrior's clothesline, either!

BORT: And there's the '90 parody. Warrior and Hulk Hogan were the only two in the ring, and they both went down after nailing each other with a double clothesline. Obviously, Warrior didn't have a whole lot of luck recreating that moment.

Mooney: Well, that's the Warrior for you. Renegade lifts Warrior off the mat....and sends him over the top rope! The Ultimate Warrior has been eliminated!

Warrior: Surely this is a dark day in the history of the Warrior. But I WILL be back, and get my revenge on you, mrperfectandbobbythebrainheenan.


Mooney: The Warrior disappears in a cloud of smoke...and...Living Legend, look!

Zbyszko: Big deal. He's at the top of the sliding board.

Waru: I'm at the top of the sliding board! And I did it ALL BY MYSELF! And here I go! WHEEEEEEEEE!

Mooney: Waru slides down the sliding board.....and hits the floor! Waru's gone!

Sphere: We need more TALENT in that ring. If you are both refreshing AND cherry, then COME ON DOWWWWN! You're number seventeen!

Mooney: First you say WHOA, then you say YEAH! It's a bottle of Cherry 7-UP!

Zbyszko: You're a horrible play-by-play man.

Mooney: And you're old.

Zbyszko: So? I'm the one getting booked in Nashville to wrestle punks named A.J.

BORT: Zbyszko was feuding with A.J. Styles in TNA at the time. True story.

Mooney: Bravo, Gorilla.

BQ: Gah! Stop the madness!

Mooney: A bottle of 7-UP and a bottle of Cherry 7-UP are mercilessly double-teaming Black Quicksilver!

BQ: Save me, Stump!

Zbyszko: Stump can't save him! It's every man for himself!

Mooney: That is true, Johnny Polo.

Nine: I'll save you! :)

BQ: For the love of God! SOMEBODY save me!

Sphere: Hehe. I love this. Everybody hates Quicksilver. Let's get someone else out here who will do my evil bidding. Number eighteen is...crap. Someone who loves America and carries a GOD DAMN 2x4.


Mooney: It's "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan! A man loved by men, women, and children alike.

Zbyszko: He can't bring that 2x4 into the ring!

Mooney: Sure he can! And he's rescuing Black Quicksilver! Look at those bottles of soda scatter!

Duggan: Lemme help you up, tough GUY!

BQ: I don't trust you! You're gonna take that dollar and move to Canada!

Mooney: Quicksilver kicks Duggan low!

Zbyszko: He kicked him right in the Sunshine State!

Mooney: And Renegade with a clothesline!

Zbyszko: Wow, he showed us the one move he can do.

Sphere: I know I should be doing something about this, since I *am* God...but...looks like I'll just have to call in the next entrant. If you're always drunk for no reason and have a ridiculously fake accent, then you're number nineteen. Get out here and save this match.

Mooney: It's the Bad Guy, Razor Ramon!

Zbyszko: Why does it feel like everyone's being rushed out to the ring?

Mooney: That's because everyone *is* being rushed out to the ring. I mean, look who's in charge.

Zbyszko: Well, I'm just surprised Ramon was able to get in the ring.

Mooney: Ramon's going right after the bottles of soda...but he is quickly overpowered by them!

Zbyszko: This is pathetic.

Mooney: It looks like they're gonna toss him out....no! What...what just happened?

Zbyszko: The green one just nailed the red one from behind and chucked him over!

Mooney: Yes...a bottle of 7-UP eliminated a bottle of Cherry 7-UP when his back was turned! I thought these two were friends!

Zbyszko: I know it's every man for himself, but there's no way I'm gonna call those things "men", so that means I actually have to wonder what's up with the double-cross.

Mooney: A bottle of Cherry 7-UP is absolutely furious....there's an argument going on here...

Zbyszko: Ramon's up, and he looks thirsty!

Mooney: He just grabbed a bottle of 7-UP!

Razor: Hey, chico. You might not be alcohol, mang, but you gonna quench...the thirst...of the BAD GUY!

Mooney: Razor Ramon downs the entire bottle of 7-UP...and tosses it over the top! Now a bottle of Cherry 7-UP is all over it, and these two are going to have to be seperated by the ref, here...folks, anything can happen in the fWEo!

Sphere: If you're the only person in the battle royal who speaks an officially recognized foreign language, then you're number twenty. Or, veinte, I should say.

Mooney: It's Insano Mano!

Zbyszko: Crazy Hand?

Mooney: No, Insano Mano. It's best to not translate it.

Mano: Hola, ciudadanos maravillosos del fWEo. ¿Puede cualquier persona decirme donde puedo encontrar el látigo del corredor de los torneos del año conocidos como portero nueve?

BQ: Uh...just because I wear a mask doesn't mean I'm Mexican.

Duggan: Hey, why don't you see what he's sayin', TOUGH guy?

Razor: Mang, Razor Ramon...es Cuban.

Nine: If you're looking for me, I'm right here! 8-)

Mano: ¿Quién el infierno es usted, usted bum?

Nine: Um...yeah! Come on! Throw me out!

Mano: Usted demostraría ser una pérdida de hora en mi búsqueda de librar este combate de ese guardián vile.

Nine: So...are you gonna throw me out? Hey! Where are you going? :'(

Sphere: Someone PLEASE throw me a bone, here. Ah, well. If you're think me, and want life, if you think me, and want a house and a wife, then shimmy out here as number twenty-one.

Mooney: It's La Parka! Come on, Legend, shimmy with me!

Zbyszko: What did you just call me?

Mooney: I mean...yeah, hey, it's La Parka!

La Parka: *Shimmy*

Sphere: Hey everybody! Renegade thinks you're all winners!


Nine: Me?

Stump: ...

La Parka: *Angry-Shimmy*

Razor: You talkin' 'bout...Da Bad Guy?

Duggan: Oh, you think you're a REAL tough guy, don't ya, TOUGH GUY?

Mano: ¿Es lo que usted dicho sobre nosotros verdades, Sr. perforó la entrerrosca?

Renegade: No, I *didn't* say that. And all of you are offended by being called "winners"?

Duggan: You bet, tough GUY! Good Ol' Hacksaw is fixin' to shove his 2x4 up the ass of whoever dares call these Americans "winners".

Renegade: This guy isn't even American!

Mano: Eso está correcto. Soy español, y aunque no puedo hablar inglés, puedo entenderlo muy bien.

Sphere: If you communicate by barking like a dog, then you're number twenty-two. Get out here and excite me. Not in the same way Siren would, of course.

BORT: Clearly that whole "Renegade called all you guys winners" segment was just to draw the match out a little.

Mooney: It's the All-American Linebacker, Kevin Greene!

Zbyszko: All-American Linebacker?

Mooney: It sounded interesting.

Zbyszko: Sounded.

Mooney: Greene is BITING "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan!


Mooney: Now he's humping the leg of Razor Ramon!

Zbyszko: Ramon probably thinks it's a 60-year old woman!

Mooney: Now Greene's gonna go for the Suplex on Quicksilver...but Quicksilver has Stump!

Zbyszko: He almost took Greene's head off!

BQ: Whoo! Who said you can't repeat spots in a battle royal?

Nine: I did. :(

Sphere: If you're the biggest loser in the world, then you're number twenty-three. Come out here and get eliminated, already. That way I have one less person to worry about for the rest of this match.

Zbyszko: Well we all know who this is.

Mooney: It's Mike Heftel! Heftel gets in the ring...and immediately covers Greene for the pinfall...but this is an over-the-top-rope battle royal...

Zbyszko: In my day, there were some battle royals where you could pin the guy. Like the one I won the AWA World Title in.

Mooney: And Greene presses Heftel up and over the top rope while Heftel's still covering him! Heftel's gone already!

BORT: Ah, so we DID do a '93 parody. Randy Savage and Yokozuna were the last two guys in the ring, and Savage tried pinning Yokozuna after the flying elbowdrop, only to get pressed over the top rope and eliminated.

Zbyszko: To no one's surprise.

Heftel: Hey, the ref was too busy with some other guys...he never saw me get eliminated, so that means I can sneak back into the ring!

Ref: Uh, I'm right next to you. I saw you get eliminated.

Heftel: Did not. Ha-HA!

Mooney: Heftel climbs back into the ring...and the Referee is going to follow him in!

BORT: This happened in both the '97 and '00 Rumble, except for the part where the ref entered the ring, but we're really just going for a parody of '97 here. Bret Hart eliminated Austin but the referees at ringside missed it since they were trying to break up a brawl between Terry Funk and Mankind. Austin snuck back in the ring and ended up winning.

Zbyszko: I've never seen a referee chase a wrestler around the ring during a battle royal before.

Mooney: The Referee catches up to Heftel, and tosses him out!

Ref: Ha! I rule!

Mooney: And Renegade clotheslines the Referee out of the ring!

Ref: Fair enough.

Zbyszko: Now that's gotta be embarassing. The only thing of note that Renegade guy has ever done was run into the ring and shake the ropes when he made his debut. And I don't even think he did THAT right!

Sphere: If I carried your ass to a tag title, then you're number twenty-four.

Mooney: It's Jackhammer time!

Jackhammer: While I object to you saying that you carried me, I'm still out here. However, I'm just going to go back to my room and forfeit my spot.

Sphere: Oh, no you don't. This isn't 1991. Get in there.

BORT: As you can see, I actually came out and said which year was being parodied there. Savage was supposed to come out, but apparently he hauled ass after costing Warrior the World Title earlier in the evening.

Jackhammer: And what if don't?

Sphere: What if I give you this surfboard?

Jackhammer: Deal.

Mooney: Jackhammer takes the surfboard and he makes his way to the ring!

Zbyszko: I know I already said this about Hacksaw and his 2x4, but is that surfboard legal?

Mooney: Everything is legal in the Royal Battle. A shot for Duggan....one for Razor...one for Insano Mano...one for Kevin Greene...and one for La Parka! Jackhammer is a house of fire!

Zbyszko: I'd rather see him *on* fire.

Mooney: That ring sure is getting packed...

Zbyszko: I would say it's time for the deadwood to be tossed out, but then we'd have an empty ring!


Mooney: And here he comes!

Zbyszko: Whoa! Look at them scatter!

Mooney: I can't believe it! La Parka, Insano Mano, and Kevin Greene all jumped over the top rope at the mere sight of Evil Smokey!

Zbyszko: They eliminated themselves!

BORT: Even though I said there wasn't a parody of '89 in here, this could probably pass as one, since Andre The Giant eliminated himself upon seeing Damien after Jake Roberts slid him into the ring.

Mooney: And "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan went under the bottom rope, and has crawled underneath the ring!

BORT: Okay, now I'm sure this sequence was partially a parody of '89, since Roberts slid his new snake Lucifer into the ring during the '96 Rumble and sicked it on Jerry Lawler, who then hid under the ring, much like Duggan is doing here.

Zbyszko: Whoa! He just headbutted three....guys?

Mooney: Yes, Evil Smokey just headbutted Black Quicksilver, Stump, and Razor Ramon all at once! That's gotta be a first.

Zbyszko: Jackhammer's got alot of balls, going up to him with that surfboard...

Evil Smokey: Aw, now what you want, bitch?

Mooney: Jackhammer bops Evil Smokey in the head with the surfboard!

Evil Smokey: What the fu--

Mooney: And again!

Evil Smokey: Stop dat, foo!

Jackhammer: But it's comical.

Mooney: And again!

Sphere: Bah! Evil Smokey needs help! And WHO can save him at number twenty-six? Sweet Mother of Satan. If you used to be a Horseman...then you're next.

Mongo: Mongo's gone win this here battle royal, bay-ba, yeah!

Zbyszko: Wasn't Senor Funpants a Horseman, too?

Mooney: They don't know that.

Evil Smokey: Oh, yeah. Dis cracka gonna be a real help.

Mooney: Mongo eats a shot from the surfboard! And now Renegade has him up in a gorilla press...but Jackhammer hits HIM in the stomach with the surfboard, and Renegade drops Mongo in the middle of the ring!

Renegade: What was that for?

Jackhammer: I couldn't let you eliminate someone else. Warrior already put you over a little too much, white boy.

Renegade: White boy?

Evil Smokey: Hey, maybe you a'ight. You know who stole ma boy Ted E.'s tape?

Jackhammer: Sorry. I still listen to records.

Evil Smokey: Damn.

Sphere: If you have at least three steps and could carry this entire promotion, except me of course, on your top step, then you're number twenty-seven!

Zbyszko: What the HELL is that?

Mooney: It's Oddjob! And he's come to save us all!

Zbyszko: He has?

Mooney: Oddjob hits the ring...and it immediately goes after Stump! Look at them, just TEARING into each other!

Zbyszko: You used that exact same line when a bottle of 7-UP was in there earlier.

Mooney: I like to recycle.

Zbyszko: What's Ramon doing?

Mooney: It looks like he's breaking the fight up...now he's...climbing Oddjob?

Zbyszko: He's got a lightbulb with him. WHY?

Mooney: I think he's going to change a lightbulb, but there's no lightbulb in sight, and....oh my! Oddjob just tipped over and sent Razor Ramon flying to the outside!

BORT: Believe it or not, that wasn't a parody. It's just me being me...or us being us...or whatever.

Sphere: I can't believe this, but we're actually making progress. That calls for entrant number twenty-eight. Wait, twenty-eight? This thing's almost over? Alright! So, yes....if your favorite number is "56", then it's YOUR turn to show your stuff!

Mooney: LT! Lawrence Taylor!

LT: I'm goin' to da Supa Bo--

Mooney: LT gets a surfboard to the face!

Jackhammer: This thing's a lifesaver.

LT: Ooh, boy! LT has a little setback, but he's gonna be F-I-N-E, FINE!

Mooney: LT spots Oddjob...

LT: Now we can't go have furniture layin' around da ring! Someone gonna get their leg snapped in two!

Zbyszko: LT just dumped Oddjob over the top rope like he was one big hunk of wood!

Mooney: That has GOT to be considered an upset.

Sphere: Not to call myself a psychic or anything, even though I DO rule all of you, including your minds, but I know who number twenty-nine is. And here he is.

Mooney: Oh my God.

Zbyszko: It's...it's...

Mooney and Zbyszko: The Underweartaker!

Mooney: Underweartaker...coming to the ring with Sister Payne...the action in the ring has come to a sudden halt!

Nine: Ahhhhh!!! It's that evil meanie! :-(

Mooney: Oh my! Nine's pants just turned into a brownish color!

Zbyszko: Only you would notice a man's pants.

Nine: Quick! Someone! Anyone! Eliminate me before this guy hurtifies me and makes me feel all sad! :'(

Mooney: It doesn't look like anyone wants to eliminate Janitor Nine!

Zbyszko: He is NOT gonna do this...

Mooney: It appears as if he is....Janitor Nine grabbing the back of his collar....and he tosses himself over the top rope!

Zbyszko: I didn't know he was capable of doing something like that!

Nine: Holy crap, this match sucked. :-(

Mooney: Janitor Nine's walking up the ramp backwards...

Zbyszko: Is he unaware that the Underweartaker still isn't in the ring?

Nine: Wait, what's this large thing behind me that suddenly appeared out of nowhere, and what's this second thing that feels like a pair of boobs? And why do I get the feeling that I'm about to die? :-(

Sister Payne: Kill him.

Underweartaker: ...


Mooney: Underweartaker throws Janitor Nine right through that conveniently-placed popcorn stand!

Nine: Mmm, popcorn! :-D

BORT: Maven eliminated Undertaker in '02, only to have Undertaker re-enter the ring and beat his ass. The beatdown ended at the concession stand, where Undertaker threw Maven head-first through the popcorn stand, then ate some of the popcorn.

Mooney: And with that, Underweartaker gets into the ring...chokeslam for Black Quicksilver!

BQ: God...dammit...he's tall...so he uses the frickin'...chokeslam...

Mooney: Big boot for LT...now he's gonna go after Mongo...

Mongo: Wait just a second, big bay-ba! Mongo got some candy for ya!

Zbyszko: He's offering the Underweartaker CANDY?

Mooney: Yes...and he's taking it! Underweartaker pats Mongo on the head and moves on...

Zbysko: Oh, NOW Renegade's gonna try to play hero!

Mooney: Renegade with some WEAK shoulderblocks on Underweartaker...

BORT: Drew Carey was in the '01 Rumble...yes, THAT Drew Carey...and he tried offering Kane some candy so Kane wouldn't murder him. Kane simply smacked the candy out of Carey's hand and stalked him until Raven made the save. It should go without saying that Renegade is no Raven.

Zbyszko: Now he doesn't know what to do!

Mooney: But look! From behind, it's Jackhammer with the surfboard, and Evil Smokey The Bear with...Stump?

Zbyszko: They just took Underweartaker down!

Evil Smokey: See, all ya need is a little help from a surfboard and some Asian boy's cut-up scalp, sucka!

Jackhammer: Excuse me, but...bro?

Evil Smokey: Wassup?

Jackhammer: It's every man for himself.

Mooney: Jackhammer nails Evil Smokey with the surfboard!

Sphere: Alright, alright...for number thirty, the final entrant...I had this piece of paper in my pocket, as well.

Mooney: I know what's going on here...

Sphere: If you were personally handpicked by me to win this battle royal, then YOU are number thirty!

Mooney: WHAT? Sphere rigged the number one AND the number thirty drawings so that Black Quicksilver would start this thing out, and it'd end with Senor Funpants!

Zbyszko: Quit yer bitchin', Spanky.

Mooney: Funpants running down to the ring....

Zbyszko: What's he doing?

Mooney: He's looking underneath the ring for something...

Zbyszko: It's Hacksaw!

Mooney: Yes, it is! "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan had been hiding under the ring for a while, but Funpants just pulled him out!

Duggan: Oh NOOOOO!

Mooney: Funpants throws Duggan into the ring...gets in...and throws Duggan out!

Zbyszko: And there goes Renegade!

Mooney: Funpants has eliminated two men already...he picks up Stump...and casually tosses him over!

Zbyszko: Quicksilver's getting up, and he doesn't see Mongo coming right for him!

BQ: Ooh, a bobby pin!

Mooney: Quicksilver bends over to pick up the bobby pin...and Mongo goes sailing to the arena floor!

BQ: Hey, first you were in here, now you're out there!

Mooney: Now LT is charging....

Zbyszko: But Quicksilver doesn't see him, either! He's gotta keep his eye on the compeition, or else he'll be the one whose king gets trapped, thus ending the game on the losing end of a checkmate.

Mooney: Quicksilver turns around! He must have eyes in the back of his mask! He ducks, LT misses a forearm...or elbow, or whatever it is that he does...SuperQuick-SilverKick eliminates LT!

Zbyszko: What's he going in the crowd for?

Mooney: It sounds to me like he's campaigning for his trip to San Diego for the Big Game next Sunday!

Zbyszko: NEXT Sunday?

BORT: Probably the most obscure parody, as Bob Backlund was running for...I don't know, congress or something for some state (yeah, I'm horrible with political stuff), and was a surprise entrant in the '00 Rumble. After he was eliminated, he went into the crowd to continue his campaign.

Mooney: We're down to just five supersta--


Zbyszko: NOW what?


Jackhammer: Oh. I'm sorry, but it appears that my TV dinner is done.

Mooney: Jackhammer drops the surfboard, and slides down the sliding board! Jackhammer is gone!

Zbyszko: You know, that might have actually been the SMART thing to do.

Mooney: Ladies and gentlemen, we're down to the final four! Black Quicksilver, Evil Smokey The Bear, Senor Funpants, and the Underweartaker remain!

Zbyszko: Not for long.

Mooney: Funpants has Quicksilver...he sends him flying across the ring...right into Evil Smokey and the Underweartaker, who are both on the ropes, trying to eliminate each other!

Zbyszko: That little twerp Quicksilver just knocked both of them over the top rope!

Mooney: Yes, and I can't believe it!

Zbyszko: Funpants is pissed!

Mooney: Funpants charges at Quicksilver with a full head of steam...and they both go over the top!

BORT: Yeah, this was coming from a mile away. This was the finish to '94, where Bret Hart and Lex Luger were co-winners.

Zbyszko: Funpants wins!

Mooney: No! I believe Black Quicksilver has won this thing!

Zbyszko: No, Quicksilver hit the floor first!

Mooney: I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Nick. Funpants' own momentum caused him to sail over Quicksilver and hit the floor first.

Zbyszko: Wait, why am I arguing for Funpants anyway? He sucks.

Mooney: It looks like the Referee has made a decision...

Ref: Uh...like, both guys won.

Sphere: BOTH??? No! Funpants was supposed to win! Dammit, why didn't I say something before? Now I can't change anything around!

Mooney: Does this mean both Black Quicksilver *and* Senor Funpants are going to WrestleActionZone on April 13th to face Sphere in a match to determine the first-ever Sphere Heavyweight Champion?

Zbyszko: Why are you asking me?

Mooney: I...I thought you would know.

Zbyszko: Well, I don't.

Mooney: Well folks, maybe we'll find out on the next edition of Saturday Afternoon's Curtain Jerker. I have no idea when you'll be able to see it, and neither does anyone else, but I assure you, you'll see it some day. For the Brain, I'm the Grand Wizard, and this has been the Royal Battle!
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