Jackhammer: Thirty competitors...
LT: The winna goes to da Supa Bo--
Mongo: It's a one-in-a-million-zillion-BILLION, chance, bay-ba, yeah!
Kamikazie: I will be the victor.
Mr. T: I will do my best.
La Parka: *Shimmy*
Renegade: I will...hell, whatever.
Nine: I w--
Heftel: I will lose.
Ken War: hardkorr!!11
And now...the fWEo presents...
Mooney: Ladies and gentlemen, WELCOME to Royal Battle, as presented by the fWEo! I'm Sean Mooney, and I'll be calling the action tonight, alongside my longtime broadcast colleague, Bobby "The Brain" Heenan!
Zbyszko: Call me that again and I'll slap you around like "Rock-N-Roll" Buck Zhumoff!
Mooney: Gorilla, the thousands of fans in attendance, as well as our pay-per-view audience watching around the world, LIVE on UPN, are no doubt excited to see this 30-man battle royal later tonight, where the winner goes on to meet Sphere at WrestleActionZone in April, in a match that will determine the first ever Sphere Heavyweight Champion.
Zbyszko: I'm not in that battle royal. Surely this is a conspiracy constructed by Vince McMahon Jr. himself.
Mooney: And speaking of title matches, it appears we're set for our first match of the evening, as we head down to ringside!
Mooney: Our next contest is for the Million Dollar title! And now, let's go to Horowitz for the introductions.
Horowitz: Ladies and gentlemen, this match is scheduled for ONE FALL! Introducing first... he is a man who has fought his evil 7-Up addiction and is now clean and sober and full of pep and vinegar! He is BARRY BLADBERTH!
Mooney: Listen to this ovation, Larry! The fans love him!
Zbyszko: What ovation? What fans?
Bladberth: Doo doo doo.
Zbyszko: Look at this guy! No sense of psychology at all! He's singing and skipping to the ring!
Horowitz: His opponent! He's kind of salty, he's definitely not bitter... but he's no chicken! He is the Million Dollar Champion... VIRGIL!
Virgil: Yeah, chicken, you best believe that, chicken!
Mooney: And here's the champion, Larry.
Zbyszko: Once a lackey, always a lackey! Virgil is just a pawn in the human game of chess!
Zbyszko: Wait, who's that coming down to the ring?
Mooney: It looks like... yes, yes it is! It's John Comey! And I think he wants to say something regarding this next contest.
Comey: This match is UNSANCTIONED!
Mooney: Huh? What's Sphere doing here?
Sphere: Wait a minute! I already sanctioned it!
Comey: I'm sorry, but I partially handle you. Therefore, you have no control over me.
Sphere: Oh yeah? Watch this! *goes to poke Comey in the ear, but ends up partially floating*
Comey: See? Now float there and shut up, moron.
Mooney: And now Comey's in the ring? While Sphere just kind of floats backstage...
Comey: Hello, and welcome to the first ever ILLTHOUGHTOUT MATCH. Well, actually, I don't know if it's the first ever, coming from a place like THIS. Well, anyway, the rules are simple. I ask you two dimwits a series of questions, and I'll judge your answers. If you give me something I like, I'll let you hit a move, and if you give me something I don't like, you have to take a move and sell it. Are we clear?
Virgil: What did you say, chicken? I was too busy talking to this7 referee chicken.
Comey: *sigh* Referee, hit this clown with a clothesline.
Mooney: And the referee hits Virgil with a clothesline!
Comey: First question numbnuts...why are you here?
Bladberth: Because my daddy's condom broke.
Comey: That's honesty from a true moron. You get a bearhug from Virgin over there, and...
Virgil: Um, chicken, excuse me, but my name is Vi...
Comey: ...and then you'll hit him with a stone cold stunner, which he will not sell, so we can make the WWE look bad.
Bladberth: What's the WWE?
Virgil: I've heard of it...never seen it though.
Mooney: A bearhug from Virgil! Bladberth's trying to fight out and... yes, he does!
Mooney: And there a stunner by Bladberth! But wait! Virgil's still standing!
Virgil: That didn't hurt, chicken!
Zbyszko: No-selling is an EFFECTIVE weapon in the game of human chess!
Comey: Why am I here?
Virgil: Community service?
Bladberth: You're not sure?
Comey: Well, this may turn out to be a squash. Bladberth, hit Virgil with a pedigree, only to have Virgin kick out before a count of one.
Virgil: Now right there, you called me by my real name!
Comey: Yeah, I did Virgin. What's it to you?
Virgil: No no...Virgil!
Comey: That was a typo.
Virgil: But we're speaking!
Comey: Says you, fake champion boy.
Mooney: Pedigree by Bladberth! Bladberth drops down for a cover!
Zbyszko: And to prove just how much the glass ceiling is ineffective in the fWEo if your name isn't Sphere, Virgil kicks out before the one count.
Comey: Here's my next question for the two of you........ what's 2 + 2?
Virgil: Bismarck, chicken!
Comey: Wow, you're an idiot. Bladberth gets to hit you with a DDT. Now sell it for a two-count.
Virgil: Bah, chicken!
Zbyszko: DDT by Bladberth! Now Barry goes for the cover!
Mooney: And Virgil kicks out at two! Now both men get up and are now facing Comey.
Comey: Bladberth, this one is for you. How many licks does it take to reach the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop?
Bladberth: Um, I think it depends on the flavor in question. Like, with Cherry, I counted at least two hundred and sixty-one times, but with the Chocolate flavor, I counted just one hundred and eighty-nine times. There WAS this time that I had a Raspberry flavored Tootsie Roll Pop, but then Virgil stole it from me before I could test it, and then I cried very loudly. I also had a Grape, but Sphere stole that from me, too. I cried at that, too.
Comey: Um. Yeah. Sure. W/E. Bladberth, put Virgil in a rest hold of your choice. Virgil, you have to do the arm thing twice and come back for the third.
Mooney: Sleeper by Bladberth! Virgil's fading quickly here! Yes! He's down to one knee... and now he's in the seating position! Now the referee is doing the stupid little arm thing!
Mooney: It drops once!
Mooney: It drops twice!
Mooney: Wait! Virgil's fighting back! Yes! An elbow! And another one! And Virgil's free from the dreaded sleeper hold!
Comey: Now, anyone can steal this question...what is the fourth letter of the alphabet?
Zbyszko: In the game of human chess, that answer would be D. I've been called a D- human being many times.
Comey: Ok you old yutz, you get to make a run-in with a chair. Deck whomever you want with it...but if you don't decide who to hit in ten seconds, you have to hit yourself until you pass out.
*Twenty seconds later*
Zbyszko: Stupid gimmicked chairs in this game of human chess!
Mooney: Zbyszko is beating himself senseless here, so I guess I'll be taking over commentary for this match!
Entire World: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Comey: Okay, next question for the two of you. Who is the current president of the United States? Now, I'll give you a hint: George W. Bush.
Virgil: Richard Simmons, chicken!
Bladberth: ...umm... could you repeat the question?
Comey: *slaps his head* Please. Both of you. Die. *sigh* You have to clothesline each other and sell it for nine seconds. Then a team of monkeys will throw their feces at you. Go.
Mooney: Double clothesline! And... wait... wait... what's that coming down to the ring?
Mooney: It's a team a feces-throwing monkeys!
Mooney: And Virgil and Bladberth are covered in feces, while Comey hides behind the relative safety of his sardonic wit, which is acting like a barrier!
Zbyszko: *holding his head and returning to the broadcast booth* Hey, what's that smell?
Mooney: Now the monkeys are leaving.
Zbyszko: Monkeys? I missed MONKEYS? This is truly a sad day in the game of human chess.
Comey: Ok, Virgin...
Virgil: For the last time, chicken, it's Virgil!
Comey: I'm sorry...did you just correct me, Virgin?
Comey: Just for that, I'm changing the winner of this match. Bladberth, you're the ne...
Virgil: Fine. I'm VIRGIN.
Comey: Now you're catching on. Go do your sucker punch thing...or your KFC finisher...whatever the hell it is...I need to go get my check for doing this shithole of a match.
Mooney: And Barry Bladberth goes down!
Mooney: Cover! One!
Mooney: Virgil wins! Virgil wins! Larry, what do you think of this tremendous match?
Zbyszko: *holding his head* I'll let you take my rook for a freaking asprin right about now.
Mooney: Ladies and gentlemen, up next we've got...
Zybszko: Whoa! What was THAT?
Mooney: I know not of what you speak of.
Zbyszko: Hey! The rulebook for the human game of chess specifically states that there be no blurry special effects!
Mooney: Look! There's Angel!
Zbyszko: I just don't get it, why was there a big blurry thing before this segment?
Mooney: Ladies and gentlemen, we are LIVE from the DREAMS of Angel, ONLY ON PAY-PER-VIEW!
Nowell: Oh, CRAP. I can't even leave the fWEo through my dreams? I truly am in Hell.
Sarah: Oh Angel! I love you SO much!
Nowell: No, scratch that, Hell has GOT to be a lot nicer than this.
Zbyszko: Does this pointless dream sequence really have a point? I'd like to go back to ranting on and on about how I beat Nick Bockwinkel and retired his ass.
Mooney: Wait! What are those things heading toward us, looking at us meanacingly while wielding what appears to be butter knives?
Nowell: Oh no, not these guys again.
An Army Of Peanut Butter And Jelly Sandwiches: HAIL JELLITER!
Mooney: OH MY! MY GOD! MY GOD! HELLFIRE AND BRIMSTONE!
Zbyszko: Hey, little bitch, you're being the wrong announcer.
Mooney: Oh. Sorry. But I mean, how could those evil PB&J sandwiches toss those chicken sandwiches into that toaster oven? That's CRUEL AND UNUSUAL!
Sarah: Angel, don't you think that's just mean? *pout*
Nowell: Please get out of my dreams. All of you.
Horowitz: Ladies and gentlemen, this next match is scheduled for ONE fall...and hopefully MANY rises...and is for the North Dakotan Janitorweight Championship!
Mooney: Surely this next bout will be a fine display of technical wrestling, Legend.
Zbyszko: That's *Living* Legend, Mooney. Get it right or I'll spork your ass.
Horowitz: First, making her way to the ring....the special guest REFEREE.....CLAIRRRRRRRE!
Mooney: Here comes the lovely Claire, a member of the STUMP Squad, and the referee for this match!
Zbyszko: A member of the STUMP Squad's gonna be a REFEREE?
Horowitz: And now...the participants. Making her way to the ring, the challenger...weighing in at...oh, I'd just take a wild guess and say 130 pounds...and hailing from the FABULOUS city of Philadelphia, where, according to the internet wrestling community, alot of Kool-Aid drinkers reside...EVILLLLLL-LYNNNNN!
Mooney: Here comes the challenger, and let me tell you, she means business!
Zbyszko: Business has nothing to do with women's wrestling. It's all...pleasure. Speaking of pleasure, it's been all yours, Mooney.
Horowitz: And now....the champion....from Bethlehem, Pennsylvania....she is...NITRO GIRRRRRRRRL SIIIIIIIREN!
Mooney: You know, Living Legend, one HAS to wonder whether or not Evil-Lyn is thinking that Siren might have a mayonnaise jar stuffed down her pants, in an attempt to catch her off guard and end this match quickly.
Zbyszko: What the HELL did you just say? Mayonnaise jar?
Mooney: You'd realize what I was talking about if you've been paying attention to the fWEo for the past couple of weeks. Don't worry, though, even if some of the occurances on a typical Saturday Afternoon's Curtain Jerker follow a pattern, it still doesn't make sense. That's what I'm told, anyway.
Zbyszko: Who told you that?
Mooney: Some beggar.
Zbyszko: What a moron.
BORT: Chris Woj once said in a fWEo show thread...yes, there were actually discussions for some of these shows...that our shows never made any sense, despite the fact that the progression of storylines, especially when it came to tying feuds together and having angles play out during matches, made more sense than stuff going on in the fWo at the time (and hell, for the next few years, too). The "mayonnaise jar" reference is a callback to the match Evil-Lyn had with Kay Fabe during the Jobber of the Year tournament.
Mooney: There's the bell! And there they...wait. What are they doing?
Zbyszko: That's called a collar-and-elbow lockup, Jerkface.
Mooney: I...I know that...but...hmph. Oh well, guess I still have to call it. Siren wins the lockup, putting a headlock on Evil-Lyn....Siren switches sides on the headlock...goes around, and now she has Evil-Lyn trapped in a hammerlock!
Zbyszko: I wouldn't say she's "trapped" now....there's a few ways she can get out of this. That is, if she's mastered the game of human chess. Furthermore....she's a woman. Women don't master.
Mooney: Evil-Lyn reverses it and puts Siren in a hammerlock of her own! But Siren reverses it and now has Evil-Lyn in a full nelson!
If you haven't realized where this match is going yet (or NOT going), then you should seriously question why you've decided to read this in the first place.
Zbyszko: There's no way that one chick's gonna get the other chick to say "uncle" with a weak full nelson like that! She has to put more pressure on!
Mooney: Oh boy! You bet she does!
Zbyszko: Calm down, Porky.
Mooney: Evil-Lyn breaks out of the full nelson, go-behind....waistlock on Siren....Siren with a go-behind...waistlock on Evil-Lyn....now grind, dammit, grind!
Zbyszko: I'm about to dump my coffee all over you.
Mooney: Oh, um, excuse me. Evil-Lyn throws a back elbow right at Siren, and it's enough to cause her to release the waistlock...Evil-Lyn off the ropes, Siren drops down, Evil-Lyn hops over her, off the ropes, Siren's up....and she hiptosses Evil-Lyn! Evil-Lyn back up.....but Siren with another hiptoss! Evil-Lyn back up again....and a dropkick sends her to the outside!
Zbyszko: SWEET JESUS!
Mooney: Evil-Lyn is taking a breather on the outside...it's obvious that she has to re-think her game plan here if she wants that North Dakotan Janitorweight Championship belt.
Zbyszko: Wait, DOES she want it?
Mooney: I...guess so. She *is* going up against the champion here.
Zbyszko: Well, maybe she doesn't want the title. Don't we have non-title matches here? Back in my day, that was a great way to put young talent over! On the other hand, it was also a way to make young talent look important, right before they got squashed in the title match. There were also rare occassions where the champion went over in a non-title match, which I didn't think made sense unless *I* was the champion. They still do that anywhere?
Now that I think about it, I don't think there were ever any matches featuring a champion that was non-title, unless it was a singles champion in a tag match.
Mooney: I'd answer your question, but Claire's up to seven on her count here...Evil-Lyn has to get back in the ring, or else she'll be counted out of this match....and there she goes, rolling back into the ring.....but she rolls back out!
Zbyszko: Absolutely masterful.
Mooney: Claire's starting the count again....and Evil-Lyn's taking a walk around ringside...but it appears that Siren doesn't want to win the match this way! She goes on the outside, and the chase is on! Siren is chasing Evil-Lyn around the ring.....Evil-Lyn crawls into the ring, gets up....Siren slides in...and Evil-Lyn stomps away!
Zbyszko: Come into my litter box, said the kitten to the mouse.
Mooney: Where'd you get that one from?
Zbyszko: Why, I made it up myself, of course.
Mooney: Evil-Lyn with an elbowdrop, back to her feet, another elbowdrop...back up...a third! Cover!
Mooney: No! Siren kicks out!
Zbyszko: It looks like Evil-Lyn has a plan here, but it's gonna take alot more than a few elbowdrops to win that title.
Mooney: Evil-Lyn clamps on a sleeper! Is it smart to use a sleeper this early in the match, Living Legend?
Zbyszko: In this promotion? Sure.
Mooney: Perhaps it *is* too early...Siren's already powering up...both women are up to their feet...Siren throws an elbow into Evil-Lyn's midsection....and another! And another! Evil-Lyn's released the hold, Siren goes to run off the ropes, but Evil-Lyn reaches out and yanks her down by the hair! That CAN'T be legal!
Zbyszko: Claire's gotta get in there and do something about this if we're gonna have a fair fight here.
Zbyszko: Wait, what am I saying? I'm the LIVING LEGEND. Cheat all you want, I don't care who you are.
Mooney: Claire's warning Evil-Lyn here, and it looks like Evil-Lyn's claiming that she didn't touch Siren's hair! Siren's up....Evil-Lyn with a kick to the midsection, sends Siren into the ropes, ducks down....Siren with a sunset flip and she takes Evil-Lyn over!
Mooney: No! Evil-Lyn claps her legs against Siren's head to break up the count! Both women slowly getting to their feet....Siren charges, misses clothesline, off the ropes, Evil-Lyn puts her head down.....Siren hooks her....backslide!
Mooney: No! Evil-Lyn escapes it!
Zbyszko: Now THAT wasn't a smart move on Evil-Lyn's part. She should've learned to not put her head down after that sunset flip! Women.
Mooney: Both women up....Siren goes for another clothesline, Evil-Lyn ducks....neckbreaker! Cover!
Mooney: No! Siren kicks out!
Zbyszko: Now Evil-Lyn's thinking! See, she had that clothesline of Siren's well-scouted.
Mooney: Evil-Lyn picks up Siren off the mat....and sends her back down with a HARD bodyslam! Evil-Lyn off the ropes now....legdrop, and a cover!
Mooney: No! That's still not enough to keep Siren down!
Zbyszko: Sure it is! It's enough to keep her down for TWO SECONDS, Mooney. Geez, get with the program.
Mooney: I have one right here. This is the second match, and we still have three to go, including the 30-man, over-the-top-rope Royal Battle battle royal!
Zbyszko: Evil-Lyn's going back to the sleeper! If this doesn't end the match, then I don't know what will. It's just common sense!
Mooney: Siren appears to be out of it! I think this WILL be the end of the match!
Zbyszko: I said it first.
Mooney: Claire lifts Siren's arm...that's one....
Mooney: Claire lifts Siren's arm again....and it drops a second time! One more and this match is over!
Mooney: And....thr...NO! Siren's balled up both her hands into fists and she's fighting out of it! Evil-Lyn can't believe it, and neither can I!
Zbyszko: I can. I knew she'd get out of it all along.
Mooney: They're up to their feet....Siren throws an elbow into Evil-Lyn's stomach....and another....and another...she goes to run, Evil-Lyn's gonna grab the hair again!
Mooney: NO! Siren puts the brakes on, ducks out of the way, grabs Evil-Lyn from the side, hooks her.....side Russian legsweep! She can't make the cover, though....now both women slowly getting up, Evil-Lyn holding the back of her head....
Zbyszko: Work the head, hussy!
Mooney: Evil-Lyn charges, Siren ducks, both women bounce off the ropes.....flying forearm by Siren! Now Siren's headed up top....fistdrop off the top rope! Cover!
Mooney: 3! Siren wins!
Horowitz: Ladies and gentlemen, here is your winner, and STILL North Dakotan Janitorweight Champion....SIIIIIIIIREN!
Mooney: Siren wins a very hard-fought contest here tonight at Royal Battle to retain her title, Living Legend.
Zbyszko: Well, that was about as close as you're gonna get to real, down to Earth, human chess in this promotion, unless you get me in there, so I'll give it my semi-approval.
Mooney: Praise from the Living Legend himself! Folks, as we get ready for our next match, I can't help but wonder if a certain individual backstage is looking at the monitor in shock over the way this match went down...
Sphere: What...what did I just see? Can someone tell me? Of course not, because no one else is in here, and I HATE EVERYONE ANYWAY! You put THREE women in a ring together and you get an actual WRESTLING match? I must be in some alternate universe!
Just to show how I tried to have different gimmicks for my characters when it came to those who were in both fWo and fWEo, Evil-Lyn manages to take part in what is probably the best actual WRESTLING match in fWEo history (the WAZ main event is right up there with it), whereas her fWo character was always quick to remind people she couldn't wrestle to save her life.
Black Quicksilver stood backstage with his protege', the 1-2-3 Kid.
"Alright, Kid. We've got a slight problem here. See, this battle royal we're in later tonight...it's every man for himself, and that means I can't help you.", BQ told his charge.
"No, no, it's every MAN for himself! I'm a kid! You can help me!", Kid pleaded.
"Although you're probably right, it'd be stupid to end this little skit right now, so just to drag it out a little longer, I'm going to disagree with you and say that you need a valet to accompany you to the ring for this match. Any ideas?"
"What was that for?", Kid asked BQ, holding the side of his face.
"I'm sorry I had to do that, but remember what I told you when I first took you under my wing?"
"I don't think I remember anything you've ever told me."
"Oh. Well, since you forgot, I'll reiterate. Claire is mine. She might not know it, but she's mine. Pick someone else."
"Uh....hmm...how about Siren?"
Sphere walks into camera view.
"That red-head is mine, you little bastard! Ha!", Sphere said to Kid before he casually walked away.
"You better think of someone else, just to be safe.", BQ told Kid.
Bam Bam Bigelow walks into camera view.
Bigelow celebrates and walks away, as BQ shakes his head.
BORT: Luna Vachon was Bigelow's valet back when he was a heel in the WWF. She was never on the fWEo roster, but that wasn't going to stop ME from referencing it.
"You know, I should slap you again for thinking of HER. I mean, she doesn't even work here! Think of someone else."
"She works here?"
"Probably. Now that I've mentioned her."
"Oh.", BQ casually says, as he pulls some sort of championship belt (which is on white leather) out of nowhere, and tosses it in a nearby trashcan. "Can't have anymore of these kind of championships around here. It's one-third of the Wominternopean Jobberweight Title, you know."
This is supposed to hint that Blayze was now going to join fWEo since she was mentioned, even though Kid had also mentioned Luna Vachon and didn't worry about HER showing up. The BQ/belt in the trash deal was him tossing Blayze's WWF Women's Title in the trash, much like she did when she jumped to WCW back in '95, as there was already a Women's Title present in the fWEo (that's where the "Wom" in "Wominternopean" comes from). How her belt got there before she did is just another one of those wacky fWEo moments.
"Hey, who's the champion right now, anyway?"
"Got me. Now...c'mon...let's give it one more try."
Janitor Nine was the current Wominternopean Jobberweight Champion, but pretty much everyone in the company forgot he existed. Sphere was the only one who acknowledged him, but even then he thought he was just a homeless guy looking for work.
Sister Payne walks into camera view, and instead of slapping Kid, kicks him square in the nuts. She then walks away, seconds before Evil-Lyn walks into camera view.
"What happened to him?", she asks BQ.
"I know what you mean."
"Hey...I bet you're kinda down after losing that match, right?"
"Well, how would you like to be involved, albeit in a minor role, in the main event tonight?"
"See, my friend here needs a woman to accompany him to the ring and shout words of encouragement to him from the outside. I figure you're someone who could not only encourage him, but threaten him if he screws up alot...and since I'm the one teaching him, I'm guessing there's going to be a WHOLE lot of threats. Whaddaya say?"
"You had me at "woman"."
"Great! Hear that, Kid? I just scored you a girl!"
Kid, still covering his crotch, looked up at BQ. "I need some ice."
Zbyszko: I think I hear what can only be described as... wait, is that "Shake Your Bon Bon"? By RICKY MARTIN?
Mooney: I am shaking my tush to the Latin beat!
Zbyszko: Please stop.
Beef: GAH! Which one of you idiots couldn't find the Soul Coughing CD?
El Janito: *sheepishly raises his hand*
Beef: You moron! Now we're gonna be the laughing stock of this federation!
El Janito: We already are.
Mooney: And here comes Mega Job, along with Steve! Now, folks, you might notice that the cage we have tonight isn't actually a cage, and it's because this match is TOO HARDCORE for cages!
Zybszko: Also because Sphere was too cheap to actually buy a cage and we're having this match under "honor" rules.
Mooney: Now, please, fans, order our pay-per-view, LIVE ON UPN, this Sunday on January 18th, 2003... live from the SUMMIT in Dallas, Texas!
Zbyszko: How in the BLUE HELL will they order this PPV if you're hyping it ON ITS OWN TELECAST?
Zbyszko: *sigh* You're not even a pawn in the human game of chess.
Mooney: And now, it's time to listen to "So Fresh, So Clean" by Outkast, Larry! Let's get down and BOOGIE!
Zbyszko: I'd like to keep whatever's left of my dignity, thanks.
Janitor Eleven: Okay, meanieheaded Seven, we have to meanieheadingly remember that these meanieheads have never ever ever beaten us. They're meanieheaded wussie boy meanieheads. Are you meanieheadingly following me, meaniehead?
Janitor Seven: Um... what?
Janitor Eleven: Meanieheadingly good! Now let the two of us meanieheads go out there and smash apart those other meanieheads!
Janitor Nine: Er, guys? Do I get a say in this? :-/ Guys? GUYS?! Hey! Come back! :-(
Styles: Hey, guys!
Mooney: Styles? What are you doing here?
Styles: OH MY GOD! I'm commentating for an fWEo show!
Zbyszko: The intelligence level of this match has reached an all-time low and we haven't even gotten to the blown spots yet.
Mooney: All four men are in the ring, while the referee "locks" Steve the Rambling Communist up in the cage.
Zbyszko: All he's doing is holding plastic bars!
*ding, ding, ding*
Mooney: And here we go! This should be a tremendous contest, as both of these teams are brother teams who will no doubt surprise and amaze us with their high flying abilities.
Styles: OH MY GOD! That was a load of crap, Mooney! I've seen Mark Shill make a more credible claim than that!
Zbyszko: I like you already, Styles.
Styles: OH MY GOD! What was THAT supposed to be?
Mooney: A beautiful dropkick by Janitor Seven to start this match off!
Zbyszko: I've seriously seen Erik Watts do a better dropkick.
Styles: Yes, and OH MY GOD, Janito's still standing after that miserable 1.1 Watts dropkick!
El Janito: What in the sodding hell was that?
Janitor Seven: I was going for a flying headscissors! Now... now I think I'm gonna tag Eleven in and hide my head in shame.
Mooney: And now, Seven tags in his brother, Eleven!
Zbyszko: They're not even brothers! They don't even look related!
Styles: OH MY GOD! El Janito just tagged in Beef! Now Beef is... um... a little help here, what in the HELL is he doing?
Zbyszko: I dunno, but I bet Mooney has an idea.
Mooney: Look at the athleticism of Beef, running around in circles around Janitor Eleven!
Janitor Eleven: What in the holy blue meaniehead?
Styles: Janitor Eleven simply stuck his foot out and Beef tripped over it! OH MY GOD!
Zbyszko: Hey, Styles, did I ever tell you about the time that I beat Nick Bockwinkel?
Mooney: Larry, this is a three hour broadcast.
Zbyszko: Oh, right. I'll tell you ALL about it afterwards, about how I checkmated that old bastard in the human game of chess.
Styles: OH MY GOD!
Mooney: What? WHAT?
Styles: There's a sale at Sears! Half off for everything! OH MY GOD!
Zbyszko: LET ME SEE THAT! Daddy needs a new set of golf clubs!
Referee: Um, guys? There IS a match going on.
Janitor Nine: Yeah, really! :-O
Referee: Who are you?
Janitor Nine: I'm... I'm Janitor Nine! The Wominternopean Jobberweight Champion! See my belt? :-D
Referee: Oh. ...so, do you work here?
Beef: Hey, Steve! Help us out here!
Beef: Aw, nutbunnies. Stupid honor system! Okay, then! Give Janito the power of the left big toe!
Mooney: What is Steve tossing to El Janito?
Styles: OH MY GOD! It's the dreaded POWER OF THE LEFT BIG TOE!
Zbyszko: Yes... El Janito is slipping on a large brass ring on his left big toe. I knew there was something up when he came out with only one boot on! The sneaky bastard may indeed be ahead of the human game of chess!
Mooney: Janito swings!
Styles: OH MY GOD, HE MISSED!
Zbyszko: Yes... he missed, and Janitor Eleven didn't even MOVE.
El Janito: Bloody hell!
Mooney: And a beautiful side suplex, planted right in the center of the ring! What a maneuver by Dino Bravo!
Zbyszko: *smacks Mooney in the head* Why do we let you live, Mooney?
Styles: Yeah, OH MY GOD, that was a clothesline delievered by Janitor Eleven that sent Janito over the top rope and to the outside. WHAT match ARE you watching, Sean?
Mooney: Only the greatest that the fWEo has to offer!
Styles: And, OH MY GOD, Janitor Seven just blew a BASEBALL SLIDE! If this is the best the fWEo has to offer, then no WONDER you people lost to BOB! Repeatedly!
Janitor Seven: *holding his nuts* MEDIC!
Zbyszko: Now Janitor Eleven is taunting Steve!
Janitor Eleven: Aww, poor little meanieheaded Steve, locked in his meanieheaded cage! You big meaniehead!
Mooney: Steve is reaching through the cage, trying to grab Janitor Eleven, but that steel is SOLID!
Zbyszko: It's plastic.
Styles: OH MY GOD! What is that bum doing with Janitor Seven?
Janitor Nine: Where does it hurt? :-/
Janitor Seven: Did... did I ask for a bum... or a medic? Go away!
Janitor Nine: :-(
Mooney: Wait a minute! El Janito is on the top rope! It could be time for his infamous and devastating Five Wanker Frog Splash!
El Janito: This one's for Tony Blair!
Mooney: HE LEAPS!
Zbyszko: And, of course, he missed. As if there was any doubt.
Styles: Janitor Seven didn't even MOVE! OH MY GOD!
Zbyszko: All who think this match is the worst thing ever, say "aye".
Styles: OH MY GOD, AYE!
Mooney: This is the best match ever!
Mark Shill: THIS IS THE GREATEST MATCH IN SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT HISTORY!
Styles: Go back to BOB, Shill.
Mark Shill: Awh. :-(
Mooney: But wait! Beef's back in the ring, and I think he's going for the Epic Beef Drop!
Styles: OH MY GOD, IT CONNECTED!
Zbyszko: The Epic Beef Drop connected and Janitor Seven's actually selling it? I am awash in a sea of confusion.
Styles: OH MY GOD! A COVER! ONE!
Styles: OH MY GOD! JANITOR SEVEN KICKED OUT OF SOMETHING!
Janitor Seven: ...sorry... must... keep... remnants... of... dignity... ow.
Beef: I'm never going over with that move, am I?
Mooney: Look out! Here comes Janitor Eleven! Yes! There's the elbow drop, which I think he calls the Clean Sweep!
Zbyszko: Why did he name his ELBOW DROP? Who does he think he is? Abdullah the Butcher?
Janitor Eleven: Now I shall drop another on you!
Styles: OH MY GOD! JANITOR ELEVEN JUST DROPPED AN ELBOW ONTO HIS OWN PARTNER!
Janitor Seven: ...spleen... crushed... damn you...
Styles: OH MY GOD! Steve is trying to get into the ring through his cage! What a competitor!
Janitor Eleven: Hey! Meanieheaded referee! Get rid of that meaniehead before he rips the meanieheaded ring apart trying to get in, what with the meanieheaded cage and all!
Referee: Uh, okay.
Mooney: Now El Janito's sneaking up on Janitor Eleven!
El Janito: Hey, you bloody blighter! Turn the sodding hell around!
Janitor Eleven: Oh no! I know your meanieheaded game! You're going to hit me with something as soon as I meanieheadingly turn around!
El Janito: No! I won't! I'll, uh... I'll bloody give you some biscuits!
Janitor Eleven: BISCUITS! MEANIEHEADINGLY YES! GIMME!
Mooney: And the Power of the Left Big Toe puts down Janitor Eleven! Janito covers!
Styles: OH MY GOD!
Mooney: Three! Three! Mega Job have DONE IT!
Zbyszko: Done what? Huh? I was too busy thinking about my next great rant about the human game of chess to notice.
Styles: Right, OH MY GOD! Zbyszko, it's been a pleasure working with you. Mooney, I hope you get cancer.
Mooney: Thank you! I love you too!
Styles: OH MY GOD, I'm SO leaving, and I'm NOT coming back until the Royal Battle Battle Royal!
Styles: I mean it!
Mooney: Ladies and gentlemen, we have more great action after this seggiemint that'll inevitably follow this match!
Zbyszko: Seggiemint? What?
Mooney: Look! It's Adam Nowell again! And it's NOT a dream!
Nowell: Doo doo doo...
Zbyszko: What's that in his hands?
Mooney: Um, I dunno.
Zbyszko: What a frickin' surprise.
Mooney: Ah, and here comes the other half of the new first couple of wrestling.
Zbyszko: First couple? If this is a couple, why isn't she back at their apartment, barefoot and halfway to being perfect?
Mooney: Is it just me or does Nowell seem a bit agitated at her arrival?
Zbyszko: I don't know and I don't care. But Sarah can take a one way trip to Larry Land anytime she wants.
Nowell: Hello, Sarah! *holds up a needle*
Sarah: Hey Angel. Whatcha doin'?
Nowell: Oh, nothing much. *holds up a Sarah the Jobber Slayer voodoo doll*
Sarah: Hey, that kinda looks like me. But, as the old saying goes, why play with a puppet when you can play with the real thing?
Nowell: I dunno, I think playtime's at hand as we speak. *pokes the needle into the doll's left arm*
Sarah: Oww. I think I just got bit. There's so many nastees back here.
Nowell: *grinning maliciously* What kind of nasties?
Sarah: Angel, I know why you made the doll of me. It must be because you just can't stand the thought of not hearing my voice. Or seeing my face. Or the rest of me.
Sarah: Let's face it, I'm a hottie.
Nowell: *holding the doll over an open fire* I'll say.
Sarah: I'm so hot right now. So, later, its us against, um, the world *wipes her forehead*. Let's save...the, um, here from jobbers. And stuff.
Nowell: Jobbers, you say? *steps on the doll's head*
Sarah: *Singing* I'm alone....yeah I don't know if I can face the night....I'm in tears....and the crying that I do is for YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOU!
Mooney: Sarah has just broken into song for no apparent reason! This can't be good.
Zbyszko: For my golf score!
Nowell: Please, god, stop singing. *stabs furiously at the Sarah doll's midsection*
Mooney: Well this is strange. Sarah is now doing the "Robot."
Zbyszko: That's not the Robot you pawn. That's--
Sarah: You put your left foot in. You take your left foot out. You put your left foot in and shake it all about.
Mooney: Oh no, she just accidentally kicked Nowell in the groin during the left foot in and shaking it all about bit.
Nowell: Ow! *falls over... right on top of the Sarah doll.*
Zbyszko: Is that voodoo doll retarded?
Sarah: Man, it feels like the weight of the world's on my shoulders....Do you like dolls?
Nowell: ...not... not any more... no.
Sarah: *Teehee* You talk funny.
Nowell: You're not exactly the patron saint of voice talent there, Sarah.
Sarah: *Picks up the doll* I could be the one to take care of her sometimes if you need a helper. Can I take care of her?
Nowell: Er... yeah... sure... whatever.
Mooney: Nowell is walking away.
Sarah: Wait, Angel. Where are you going?
Nowell: To... uh... get some ice... yeah...
Zbyszko: What the hell is that?
Mooney: I dunno!
Sarah: Hey, you're the first Jobber Slayer. Man, you're really sagging now.
First Jobber Slayer: Falling Over The Top Rope To Save Angel Is Your Gift.
Sarah: Falling Over The Top Rope To Save Angel Is My Gift?
First Jobber Slayer: Falling Over The Top Rope To Save Angel Is Your Gift.
Sarah: That's not a gift. That's...jobbing.
First Jobber Slayer: This confusing appearance is over.
Nowell: *points at where the First Jobber Slayer just vanished* Excuse me if I'm going to sound intactful, but... WTFMF!?!?!??!
Sarah: Do you like dolls?
Sarah: *Teehee* You talk funny.
Nowell: ............I feel like I've HAD this conversation before, are you broken or something?
Sarah: *Picks up the doll* I could be the one to take care of her sometimes if you need a helper. Can I take care of her?
Nowell: Right. I'm leaving.
Sarah: Wait, Angel. Where are you going?
Nowell: *humming his next words* I caannnn'tttt heaaaarrrr yoooouuuu!
Mooney: Oh no. Nowell just ran into The First Jobber Slayer!
First Jobber Slayer: Hey, this wasn't in the script.
Sarah: *Throwing the doll at the First Slayer* I'm going where I'm needed. By Angel's side in the Royal Battle Battle Royal!
Nowell: Listen, First Slayer... if you kill me now, I'll be eternally grateful to you.
First Jobber Slayer: This place makes no sense. *She suddenly vanishes* SEE?
Sarah: Well, no, actually.
Zbsyzko: But wait! The First Slayer had the voodoo doll with her! Does that mean Nowell's doll is gone now too?
Nowell: Well. Back to the drawing board.
Mooney: And Nowell walks right to a large chalkboard that's labeled "drawing board"!
Nowell: HEY! Stop drawing that tail on my cactus!
La Parka: *Shimmy*
Nowell: ...No... please tell me I didn't just say that out loud. GOD DAMMIT!
Sarah: La Parka, listen to me. Listen. I love you. I will always love you. This is the work that I have to do. Tell Styles I... tell Styles I figured it out, and I'm OK. Give my love to my friends. You have to take care of them now. You have to take care of each other. You have to be strong. La Parka, the hardest thing in this world is to live in it. Be brave. Live... for me.
La Parka: *Shimmy*