WR4I (wer4idiots) wrote,

Saturday Afternoon's Curtain Jerker -- 01/04/03

BORT: Much like the Christmas show, Renner will add commentary wherever he chooses, um...whenever he chooses.

"So, yes, anyway, I'd like for you to keep me company here in my office today, as the bottle of Surge has been given the week off.", Sphere said to someone sitting on the other side of his desk, and whom the cameras couldn't see. "Oh, really? You *would* like to stay here. That's marvelous. As a reward, I'll place you in the 30-man battle royal at Royal Battle, LIVE on January 18th, from HOUSTON! Also, I haven't yet signed a main event for today's show, and there's also room for one more match on the card. Any ideas for these two matchups? Ah....yes.....yes, that's a great one! Evil-Lyn teams up with Siren, who she faces for the North Dakotan Janitorweight Title at Royal Battle, as they face Janitor Seven & Janitor Eleven! Now...how about that main event? Oh...really? An eight-man tag? REALLY? Yes, yes, I have the feeling it will be SPECTACULAR."

The camera pans over to reveal who Sphere's been talking to.


BORT: Sphere's gotten so lazy that he needs someone who can't even talk to book matches for his show.

Saturday Afternoon's Curtain Jerker went down to the ring for it's opening match, as "Groove Is In Heart" brought out all three members of the nWo Elite....Bam Bam Bigelow, Mongo, and Kevin Greene. It'll be Mongo and Greene in tag team action for this match, and after dancing for a while in the ring, the theme music of one of their opponents hit.

"It's Goin' Down".

Yes, this was Stump's theme, but today, it brought out both Stump and the 1-2-3 Kid. Kid jogged to the ring carrying Stump, as the nWo Elite continued to dance in the ring. Kid set Stump on the apron, and, seizing the opportunity, climbed up onto the top turnbuckle, with his back facing the ring. As soon as Mongo turned around, Kid lept off with a moonsault.

"No, bay-ba, no!", Mongo shouted right before Kid leveled him with the moonsault and got the three-count. Bigelow and Greene have just realized what happened, and they go to grab Kid, but he hops out of the ring, grabs Stump, and gets the HELL out of there. The entire nWo Elite gives chase, following them backstage. But they're out of luck, as a car is waiting for Kid and Stump, and Kid jumps in. The car speeds away, leaving the nWo Elite in the dust. However, Bigelow *still* finds time to celebrate.

BORT: This is a parody of the finish to Kid's second match with Razor Ramon back on Raw in '93. Kid hit the moonsault, the move that he won the first match with, but only got a two-count. The stipulation was that if he beat Razor again, he'd win...um...all this money. I forgot how much Razor put on the line. The money was in a bag, and Kid hurried up, grabbed the bag, and got the hell out of there. I don't know if the angle was that he thought he had won or he just figured now was the perfect time to grab the money and run. A limo was waiting for him and he jumped in, then the limo sped off right before Razor could catch them.

"Can you believe that, Parka? How dare those two get theirselves a getaway car! Where's MY getaway car? I'm the Supreme Master Ruler of the World, GOD DAMMIT, and *I* WANT A GETAWAY CAR!"


"Yes, yes, perhaps....perhaps I should calm down..."

Sphere took a deep breath, as he was obviously complaining about the actions of the 1-2-3 Kid and Stump while he and La Parka watched from his office.

BORT: Sphere had begun to distance himself from La Parka, but apparently Parka's back in his good graces after helping him out with the segment on 12/21 where the first Royal Battle participants were announced. Of course, the only thing Parka did was shimmy while everyone else did all the work.

"Hey, you know what I should do?"


"I'll tell you what I'll do. I'm putting both the 1-2-3 Kid AND Stump in the battle royal at Royal Battle. See, all three members of the nWo Elite are already in the battle royal, and maybe THEN, my "I want that kid dead" wish will come true! Ha! I'm brilliant!"


"Yes, that too!"

Just then, Razor Ramon fell into Sphere's office.

"What the hell? You still work for me?"

"Ehhhhh.....", came the response from the fallen Razor.

"Since laying on this dirty floor is punishment enough, I won't throw you in any handicap matches for not showing up for work in the past month. I will, however, place you in the battle royal at Royal Battle and command someone to give you the thrashing of a lifetime."



"A thrashing? Well, that's when someone gets their skull caved in. They can get their skull caved in by any means. It can be by someone else's fist, a shovel, a lead pipe...pretty much any really painful weapon will do."

If Sphere meant to continue, he was interrupted before he could do so. He was interrupted by Virgil walking into his office, walking all over Razor as he did so.

"Yo, chicken, see this belt?", Virgil asked Sphere as he pointed to the Million Dollar Belt that was slung over his shoulder.

"Of course I do. I'm Caucasian, not BLIND."

"Well, chicken, ah wanna put this belt on the line against that chicken, Barry Bladberth, at Royal Battle, chicken."

"You mean you don't want to be entered into the battle royal, where the winner faces me in a match to determine the first Sphere Heavyweight Champion, at WrestleActionZone in April?"

"Chicken, ah don't know what the HELL you just said, chicken, but ah want that Bladberth chicken, chicken!"

That line is half-lifted from Tracy Morgan's character in "Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back".

"Alright, alright, fine, you'll get Bladberth. Now get out of here before I change my mind and give you an actual push."

"Damn straight, chicken.", Virgil tells Sphere, before he turns around and leaves...walking all over Razor, of course. Sphere leans back in his chair, ready to relax, but it seems La Parka's trying to remind him of something.


"Ah, yes. Today's main event. It's sure to be a FANTASTIC bout. On one side, will be Senor Funpants, Jackhammer, the Ultimate Warrior, and "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan. You see, it makes sense, because Funpants and Jackhammer were a team on the last show, as were Warrior and Duggan. Those four will meet Reginald VelJohnson, Lawrence Taylor, Renegade, and Waru. See, VelJohnson and LT, as I like to call him, went down in defeat to Funpants and Jackhammer on the last show, so they surely must want revenge. Furthermore, Renegade suffered defeat at the hands of Warrior and Duggan, with Virgil as his partner, but since Virgil is already preoccupied with Bladberth, he gets replaced by Waru! And to top it ALL OFF...all eight of these men are in the battle royal at Royal Battle! I'm a FRICKIN' GENIUS, Parka. A FRICKIN' GENIUS."

Notice how Sphere never gives a reason for Waru being in the match. This is because his genius would be called into question, and he wouldn't want that. Of course, he didn't come up with the match anyway, but that's Sphere for you.

Some unintelligible techno beats brought out Evil-Lyn and the North Dakotan Janitorweight Champion, Nitro Girl Siren. Siren wore the championship on her ear like an earring. Claire followed behind them, and covered her ears with her hands.

"Must you have this as your theme music?" she asked Siren.

"Blame Sphere." Siren said with a shrug, as they walked around. Somewhere in the building, Sphere was dancing to the techno "beat". They all entered the ring, and Siren took the title/earring from her ear.

"So Fresh, So Clean" by Outkast began to play, drawing out the Elite Janitor Squad of Destruction and Cleanliness. It would be Seven and Eleven wrestling tonight, with Janitor Nine at ringside.

"It seems that the Janitor Squad are at a disadvantage tonight, since Claire's at ringside and nobody is in the corner for the Janitors." Sean Mooney commented.

"Ha! They'll never be pros in the human game of chess!" Zbyszko said.

"And of course, later tonight, Mike Heftel and his opponent will go ONE-ON-ONE for the finals of the Jobber of the Year Tournament!" Mooney hyped.

The Janitors entered the ring, and a cow mooed, signifying that the match was starting.

"Hey, is this the part where we both finally get laid?" Seven asked idly, as he and Eleven faced Siren and Evil-Lyn.

"EXCUSE me?" Evil-Lyn asked, "The only thing that would lay you would be, like, nothing."

"Is Nothing hot?" Seven asked.

"Er... what?" Evil-Lyn wondered, after a double-take.

"I mean, if you're saying that the only person that would ever lay us is Nothing, then I have to know if Nothing is hot. You know?" Seven said.

Evil-Lyn looked at Seven like she was about to physically tear off Seven's balls, making Seven react by holding his crotch and repeating the following three words, "Don't hurt me!"

Then, suddenly, Mega Job ran in.

For no Earthly reason.

"Hey, now! Nobody hits on Evil-Lyn except us!" Beef said.

"Yes, you bloody toerags!" Janito said, before he turned to Evil-Lyn and bowed, "M'lady Evil-Lyn, would you care to join us for some delightful tea?"

Evil-Lyn responded by kicking Janito right in the face.


Then Siren shrugged and kicked Beef in the balls.

"Ha! You meanieheads couldn't pick up a meanieheaded fly!" Eleven taunted.

Unbeknownst to all of them, Steve ran right by, aiming for Seven and Eleven.

"INCOMING! >:o" Nine warned, but of course he was ignored.


Double Clothesline From Shanghai.

Seven and Eleven toppled over like a ton of bricks being hit by a wrecking ball.

Siren shrugged and pinned both men.




Mega Job would be laughing if they weren't in such tremendous pain.

"Delightful. Two more spots filled.", Sphere said as he wrote something down on a piece of paper. The camera panned out to reveal a bottle of 7-UP and a bottle of Cherry 7-UP sitting on his desk.


"Oh, yes. I'd think these two are the favorites, as well."



Both Sphere and La Parka jumped in their chairs, upon hearing Evil Smokey The Bear scream at the unconscious body of Razor Ramon. When Evil Smokey realized Razor wasn't going to move anytime soon, he dragged him out of the way, stepped into Sphere's office, and then dragged Razor back into the doorway.

BORT: Evil Smokey, not wanting to intrude on another person's way of living, kindly puts Razor back where he was before he moved him.

"Um...um, can I help you?", Sphere said, rather nervously.

"You damn STRAIGHT you can help me, cracka! Ah still gots ta know who stole ma boy's tape!"

"Your....boy?", Sphere asked, turning to La Parka with a confused look on his face.


"Ma boy Ted E., dawg! He done got his tape stolen! How many times ah gots ta grab some bitch back here and ask them if they GOTS DA TAPE?"

"Um....no times, since you're in this office. Unless you want to grab Parka."


"Sorry. It's either you or me, and my thighs are too beautiful to be ripped open."


"Glad to see you understand. As for you....Big Scary Bear...I don't know who stole your manager's tape, but maybe it'll calm you down if I pencil your name in for the Royal Battle battle royal, to be held at the Royal Battle pay-per-view on January 18th? It's live from The Summit in Houston, you know. The winner faces me at WrestleActionZone in April to determine the first Sphere Heavyweight Champion."

BORT: Gotta keep hammering home when and where the show is, as well as the stipulation of the main event.

Evil Smokey stroked his chin. "Yeah, dat's tight. Ya heard?"

"I most definitely did."

Evil Smokey approaches Sphere and the two exchange "pounds".


"Oh, God, this can't be good", Sphere said, as he, La Parka, and Evil Smokey all turned to look in the doorway, where Ken War has the unconscious Razor Ramon in a camel clutch. "You.", Sphere said to Ken War.


"Yes, you. Come here.", Sphere tells Ken War. Ken War releases the camel clutch, letting Razor's face smack right against the floor, and walks right up to Sphere's desk. "I thought you killed yourself two weeks ago. HOW are you here?"

"becuz ey em hardkorr & ey em ewxtreme!!11 ey wuz wlakin jset teh uthr dey, & ey swa tis tbale werhe en edleraly gey wuz jes selepin, & tis vyolateed th fest lwa off kne wra: donut slep un ah tbale whale kne war iz arund!!11"


BORT: I love how Sphere had completely forgotten that Ken War always comes back to life, yet he's able to clearly understand what is probably the longest line of dialogue Ken War's had in fWEo up to this point.

"su, needles 2 sey, ey pet hem trew th tbale w/ mi hardkorr spyke!!11 ey em hardkorr!!!111"

"Hmm. Hardcore, ay? We could use another hardcore wrestler in the 30-man, over-the-top rope Royal Battle battle royal. How would you like to participate in it?"

"tat wuld b hardkorr!!11"

"Good. I'll officially put you in the battle royal....after Huge Freaky Bear devours you. I'm in the mood for some cannibalism."


"You don't say? You're a good man, Parka. Now, let's get on with it."

"aw, men, nto ageyan!!!11"

"Watching Ken War get eaten by a giant bear will NEVER get old", Sphere tells La Parka as Evil Smokey ties a big bib around his neck.

BORT: Even though this could imply that Sphere remembers the first time Ken War died at Evil Smokey's hands, even though he had forgotten about Ken War dying and coming back to life many times over, there's one of two explanations for that line. The first is that Sphere saw Ken War go into Evil Smokey's mouth but didn't think he died. The other is that Sphere was telling La Parka that watching Ken War get eaten will never get old, as this was the first time he would see it and was looking forward to perhaps seeing it again, since he now knew that Ken War always comes back to life after dying.

"Ah be smackin' ma lips. Dat means GET IN MA MOUTH, BITCH!"

"du ey hvae 2??//"

Evil Smokey and Ken War both look at Sphere, who's eating some popcorn.

"Well, get on with it!"

"otay" Ken War said, before he physically opened Evil Smokey's mouth(losing three fingers in the process) and proceeded to stick his head inside, "hay, u no, dis iz kenda hardko--"

Then Evil Smokey chomped his head off to end that thought.

"Marvelous.", Sphere says with a smile on his face, holding the bucket of popcorn toward La Parka. "Popcorn?"

La Parka puts his hands up and shakes his head "no", and the two go back to watching Evil Smokey chomp on the rest of Ken War.

BORT: A callback to La Parka falling onto a bag of popcorn a few shows ago, which itself was a callback to when Sid powerbombed La Parka onto a bag of popcorn back in WCW.

Here it is.

The moment none of us have been waiting for.

The Jobber of the Year finals.

With that news, "Down With The Ship (Travis Beaven remix)" by Scatterbrain began to play, because God forbid that the champion came out last around here. Mike Heftel walked out, with the Wominternopean Jobberweight Title around his waist. He entered the ring and played to the non-existent crowd by doing the Snoopy Dance.

And then... no music played.

"Aw, man, you guys had this song playing EARLIER! :-(" Janitor Nine whined, "Come on! It's 'So Fresh, So Clean'! :-\"

Nine shrugged and entered the ring, where Mike Heftel seemed to be expecting some other opponent. Heftel even walked over to the Referee, "Um, hey, where's my opponent?"

"I'm standing right here! :-o" Nine said, jumping up and down and waving his arms to get their attentions.

"You?" Heftel asked, "No no, some other guy's bound to be my opponent. Aren't you the faceless time keeper?"

The cow mooed, signifying the beginning of the match.

"What the hey?" Heftel asked, surprised.

Janitor Nine immediately performed Mime Nine Time.

In other words, he performed a bad small package on Mike Heftel that somehow managed to make Heftel pin Nine instead of the other way around.




New champion.

Immediately, eight sparklers went off at ringside, because God forbid that Sphere could afford actual pyro. Even worse, less than half of them actually worked.

The Referee went to hand Janitor Nine the title, and then...

SACJ's camera cuts to Oddjob, who's standing by with Sean Mooney.

"We're coming up on Royal Battle, LIVE on pay-per-view January 18th from the SOLD OUT Summit in Houston, Texas! Right here, we have Oddjob, who's in the big battle royale on this HISTORIC pay-per-view! Oddjob, do you have anything to say concerning this match?"


"What an interview by Oddjob! Back to you, Gorilla!"

Four people were standing in front of Sphere.

Four people who didn't have contracts with fWEo.

Insano Mano.

Sarah "The Jobber Slayer".

Kay Fabe.

Kamikazie Ken.

Yes, the wrestlers from BOB who were unsuccessful in the 2002 Jobber of the Year Tournament were in Sphere's office.

BORT: This segment goes on WAY too long.

"Ah, so good to see the four of you here. I've invited you all to today's show because I have more than a few spots remaining for the Royal Battle battle royal, which takes place at the Royal Battle pay-per-view, LIVE from The Summit in Houston, January 18th. Isn't that right, Parka?"


"Yes, yes...and I was wondering....would you four be interested in competing? The winner earns the right to face me in a match to determine the first Sphere Heavyweight Champion at the WrestleActionZone pay-per-view in April. What do you say?"

Kamikazie Ken is the first to speak up. "Sphere Heavyweight Champion? Another title to add to my collection!", he says, patting his BOB: Brawlers On a Budget Fascist Strongman championship belt. "Will there be rafters in the Summit...in Houston...January 18?"

BORT: The overhype fever is spreading.

"Parka?", Sphere asks, turning to his Assistant For The Day.


"Ah. Splendid. Yes, yes, there WILL be rafters there."

"Then count Kamikazie Ken IN!"

"Marvelous!", Sphere says, right before Sarah "The Jobber Slayer" approaches him.

"So, wait, you're telling me I get the chance to beat up 29 jobbers....AND win another title?", she asked, patting her BOB: Brawlers On a Budget Inordinate Championship belt.

"Actually, you have to beat 29 jobbers, and THEN you have to beat ME in April.", Sphere told her.

"Oh. So I have to beat *30* jobbers to win the belt. Well, a Jobber Slayer's duty is never done....especially in this place. Perhaps I can bring some legitimacy and stuff to the fWEo. It'll be time to bust some caps.....knee caps....I'm in!"

"Because you're a woman, I won't attempt to have someone else in the room decapitate you. Alright, who else wants in?", Sphere says, looking around the room.

"Kay Fabe says Kay Fabe is NEXT!" Kay Fabe said as she put her arm across Sarah's chest and pushed her backward.

And kept her hand on her right breast.

Kay looked back at Sarah.

"Hmm. It appears as though Kay Fabe's hand is stuck to your breast. Kay Fabe knew she shouldn't have been playing with that bottle of crazy glue."

"Ooo-hoo-hoo! You'll do JUST fine!", Sphere says, rubbing his hands together. "IN BED! Hahahahahaha!"

Kay Fabe promptly ignores Sphere. "Now, Kay Fabe has one, and KAY FABE MEANS, one. Question for you. Whoever you are…"

"Blah, blah, it doesn't matter who I am, yadda yadda."

BORT: Sphere sees the next Rock line coming from a mile away.

"No, really, who in the pink hell are you? Kay Fabe doesn't believe we've been properly introduced.", Kay Fabe says, as Sarah began yanking at Kay's hand, trying to free it from her tight, white T-shirt.

Both Sphere and La Parka almost fall out of their chairs upon hearing that SOMEONE has no clue as to who SPHERE is. Sphere manages to speak up, despite this revelation. "You know, maybe I'll put you in the battle royal after all. Parka, take down a memo. On this memo, write..."Get someone to break all of Kay Fabe's fingers." Got it?"


"You're a fantastic assistant. Have a piece of candy."

Sphere holds a bowl of candy in front of La Parka, and he goes to reach for a piece.

"Nuh-uh-UH! The ones with the almonds are mine."


"Uh-huh. Now...you, with your...bright colors and all, would you....", Sphere starts to say to Insano Mano, before he is interrupted by Adam Nowell and Mr. T walking into his office. T walks all over Razor, while Nowell desperately avoids stepping on him. The first thing Nowell sees when he looks up is Kay's hand on Sarah's breast.

BORT: Sphere mentions the bright colors Mano is wearing because Mano's poser is simply a picture of Jushin Liger with the parts of his mask that stick out smudged out, and his outfit colored bright green and bright yellow in MS Paint.

"Um, did I just miss out on something interesting?"

Sarah begins tugging wildly at Kay's hand. "Whatever this looks like, I'm NOT a lesbian," Sarah said with a pouty face, before she started walking toward Angel, with Kay following and getting in the way. "You know I still love you with all my heart," Sarah told him.

"Oh dear God, didn't this angle end at the Christmas show?" Nowell asked, then he thought about what he said, "Did I just break kayfabe?"

"Kay Fabe is fine," Kay answered.

"Oh, okay, good."

"Though Kay Fabe thinks a nail has broken."

Nowell glances at his own nails, "No, mine are fine. Er, um... anyway..." Nowell turns to Sphere, "What the hell did you want me for, moron? I was busy trying to forget I work here, by stealing Funpants' alcohol."

"Hey, T, can't you, like, rip phone books and junk...can you get Kay's hand off my breast," Sarah pleaded.

"Of course I can. Anything to help a lady.", T told her.

"Well, CAN YOU?", Sarah asked, not knowing what T had just said to her.

Meanwhile, Kay looked at Nowell. "Got any cute sisters? Mothers? Aunts? Cousins? Nieces? Grandmas?"

Nowell pointed at Sphere, "That idiot over there prevents me from talking about anything other than pointy wooden things. Or Sarah."

T interrupted as he was inspecting Kay's hand....yes...Kay's hand.... "I'm terribly sorry, but if I were able to do so without causing a scene, surely I would greet the two ladies in here by gently kissing their hand."

"ENOUGH OF THIS!", Sphere shouted, interrupting all the conversations that were going on. "I'm starting to feel NORMAL! Now, does anyone else want to be in the battle royal?"

"Not me.", Nowell said.

"Fine, you're in.", Sphere said, pointing at Nowell.

"What the hell?"

"Did I mention I want in?" Sarah asked, looking at Angel with googly eyes.

"No. No no. I'm not gonna be in your stupid battle royale. I'm gonna stay home, listen to Led Zeppelin, and sleep all day."

"Wouldn't you rather make some beautiful music with me, Angel?" Sarah asked, playing with a strand of her hair...before noticing that *she* wasn't playing with her hair, but it was Kay Fabe, with her free hand.

"If the sounds of my tortured screams are considered beautiful music, then you need help."

"Alright, good, we're all in agreement here. Nowell's in.", Sphere says before he claps his hands together. "Anyone else? T? Funny Colors Guy?"

"¡Sr. T, usted me ofendió grandemente por las manos insanas de Insano Mano que no se besa!"

Sphere turns to everyone else in the room, playing translator. "He just said T was crazy."

BORT: So Sphere can understand Mano's garbled Spanish, La Parka's shimmying, and Ken War's...whatever...but not T's sophisticated English.

"Sr. Sphere. Apreciaría grandemente la oportunidad de participar en su gran batalla real de enero el 18."

"He just said that I'm more awesome than Fidel Banderas, the ruler of Spain!"

"Como yo ya un campeón en BOB. Brawlers On un presupuesto," Mano said, patting his Who's Your Daddy Championship.

"He said that it'd be an honor to wash my feet, as he has been doing so since his childhood, during which he worked in a sweatshop, making fake British Knights sneakers."

BORT: I wore British Knights for the longest time before switching to Nike. Apparently British Knights weren't "cool". Surprise!

"Amaría la oportunidad de probarse con todo otra vez como siendo la mayoría del Insano Mano en el planeta. Soy hardcore. ¡Infierno, soy de Suicida, México!"

"He said, sure, he'll compete in the battle royal, as long as he gets to....wait....tap Siren's ass?"

"Y en cuanto a usted Adán Nowell," Mano said turning to Nowell. "Usted es un poopooheado grande y tomaré gran placer en golpear sus nalgas con el pie del anillo."

"He just called Angel a flaming homosexual."

"I'm SO going to stab you, Sphere." Nowell said, brandishing his stake, "I mean it."

"I bet you do. T? What about you? And please, answer me in English."

"I reluctantly accept your offer."

"I give up.", Sphere says, throwing his hands in the air.

Meanwhile..."Y me deseo tan era mano de Kay Fabe," Mano said, ignoring Nowell and looking at Kay and Sarah....a look of lust on his mask.

"Excuse me, treat those ladies with respect!", T demands of Insano Mano.

"No entendía una palabra que usted acaba de decir."

"He has no idea what T just said."

"I am shocked and appalled that you simpletons do not understand my wisdom which I bring to you! I will now make my exit.", T tells everyone else, who just look at each other and shrug. T walks on Razor as he leaves the room, and it looks like Nowell isn't that far behind.

"Hell, if he gets to leave, so do I!", Nowell says, heading for the exit, before Sphere stops him.

"Oh, Angel? Since for some reason it seems that you and T are great friends, tell him he's in the battle royal, 'kay? Mmm-hmm. Thanks."

"I'm not friends with HIM!"

"But...but you're friends with ME...right, Angel?", Sarah asks, as she runs up to him, dragging Kay with her.

"NO! I'm not friends with ANYONE here! Jesus Christ, won't you people leave me alone?"

Sarah is now staring at Nowell with those googly eyes. "So....we're MORE than just friends?"


Nowell turns and leaves, stepping over Razor's body. Sarah follows, dragging Kay with her, and they walk all over Razor. Insano Mano follows closely behind.

"Ésos son dos asnos muy agradables."

Sphere turns to La Parka. "He just said he wants to dethrone me as Supreme Master Controller one day, which means I'm going to put a hit out on him pretty soon."


"Well.....either that, or he just commented on the asses of those two fine bitches."


"Haha, yes, I picked that one up from you!"

Sphere and La Parka share a laugh, until Sphere notices that Kamikazie Ken is still standing there, and hasn't said anything in a long while.

"Excuse me, Kamikazie Karl..."


"Whatever. Is there a reason you're still standing there, and.....didn't say one word when all those other idiots were babbling incessantly?"

BORT: I seriously think we (me, Renner, and Leary) all forgot about him.

"That's quite simple. I was thinking of ways to destroy not only others, but myself, during the battle royal."

"Ah. Well, with an attitude like that, I hope you're the one who I meet at WrestleActionZone."

"Very well." Kamikazie Ken turns and leaves, stomping on Razor's body. Sphere turns to La Parka.

"Heftel has a better chance than that wackjob."


"Papa Don't Preach", as performed by someone who is obviously NOT Kelly Osbourne, brings out the Underweartaker and his manager, Sister Payne. They slowly walk down the ramp, and the second Underweartaker gets into the ring, Williams leaves, exiting between the ropes.

BORT: Quickest match in fWEo history, as Underweartaker wins simply because Williams decides he doesn't want to be in this match less than a second after Underweartaker enters the ring.

One man stood before Sphere.

Black Quicksilver.



"Yes, I said that."

"And I'm confirming it."

"Shut up."


"Are you really going to shut up?"

"Probably not."

"Well, listen anyway."




"Alright, then. What were YOU doing out there on Tuesday?"


"I'm talking to YOU."

"But...you said to let you talk."

"Yes, I already did my talking, now you answer me!"

"What was the question?"


"Tuesday? No, it's Saturday."

"This past Tuesday!"

"This past Tuesday....oh yeah! I don't know if you were there, but I TOTALLY won a match...in the fW--"

"Don't say it! You are prohibited from mentioning that company by name in my prescence! Now...you ruined my plans. My plans to destroy that Senor Funpants-wannabe. I had it all laid out. I TOLD Funpants that he wasn't needed, but YOU had to show up and screw me over!"

BORT: Sphere had returned to the fWo as Jon Crisp's reluctant manager and forced him to team with Senor Funpants in a feud against Damnation (Fear and Hellrazor). Of course, whenever they had a match, one of them wouldn't show up. Finally, at Countdown 1, Sphere told Crisp he had told Funpants to take the night off, leaving Crisp alone to get destroyed by Damnation. BQ showed up, though, making his first appearance since Team Lightning split up (which wasn't even on-camera), and became Crisp's partner for the match that they eventually won.

"Okay, I definitely don't remember screwing you, and I don't even drink."

"That's not what I mean! My GOD, you're an idiot! And THAT is why, since there's one more spot left, I'm putting YOU in the battle royal. You think you're on some sort of high where you can go off and WIN matches? Well, let's see if you win the battle royal in two weeks, that way, I'll get my revenge on you in April."

"Why can't you just get your revenge on me now?"

"Don't mess with my OTHER plans, Quicksilver."

Before BQ could say anything else, Texas Kid walked into Sphere's office.

"Uh...you wanted to see me, Sphere?"

"Yes. Yes, I did. See, we have a match at Royal Battle, and it needs some last minute heat. Do me a favor and stand up against that outline of a body that La Parka drew on the wall."

"The one that says "Black Quicksilver"?", TK asked.

"No, the one that says "Texas Kid".", was Sphere's response.


TK stands up against the outline, and Sphere produces a BB gun. He shoots TK right in the arm with the BB.

"You SHOT me! You shot me in the arm!"

Clearly taken from Will Ferrell's character gets shot in "Austin Powers".

"That is correct. Quicksilver, stand up against the one that says "Black Quicksilver"."

"Are you gonna shoot me with that thing, too?"

"Of course not."

"Then I'm afraid I won't be standing up against it. Toodles."

BQ whistles as he leaves the office, stepping on Razor's head, but being sure not to step on anything else. As soon as BQ leaves, Barry Bladberth enters the office, happily hopping over Razor.

"I'm clean, I'm sober, and I'm FULL of life! Now...where's Virgil?", Bladberth asks Sphere.

One of my favorite lines.

"You're about seven segments late.", Sphere tells him.

"Oh." Bladberth turns around and leaves the office, as TK continues to whimper in pain.

Sphere turns to La Parka. "And this guy's one of your stablemates?"


SACJ goes back to the ring, where the team of Reginald VelJohnson, Lawrence Taylor, Renegade, and Waru are already standing in the ring. How'd Waru get in the ring, you ask? Let's go to the instant replay.


Renegade carries Waru to the ring.


Jackhammer, Senor Funpants, and "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan come out to the ring to no music. Duggan stops on the ramp for some reason and does nothing but raise his 2x4 in the air and shout "HOOOOOOO!" Jackhammer and Funpants hit the ring, and almost immediately, VelJohnson and LT grab Waru and dump him over the top rope.

"We goin' to Disney World!", LT shouts.

BORT: VelJohnson and LT have their dates confused, believing that this is the battle royal and Waru was the only other participant.

"Oh yeah, I'm gonna beat Goofy in a breakdance contest for SURE!", VelJohnson chimes in, shortly before Jackhammer shoves him out of the ring. Funpants starts to wail away on LT as Renegade simply leaves the ring. You gotta think......"It can't get any worse than this....", right?


The Ultimate Warrior's theme hits.

Warrior charges down the ramp, taking a slight detour around Duggan, and goes back to running in a straight line. When he gets to the ring, he decides to run around it, instead of entering the squared circle. Renegade, not wanting to collide with Warrior, hops the guardrail and heads for his locker room, while VelJohnson starts running when he sees Warrior. Jackhammer and Funpants take turns throwing LT around, while it LOOKS like Warrior is chasing VelJohnson around the ring. VelJohnson ends up running into Waru, and grabs him from behind.

"Run! The Generic Masked Burglar Who Ends Up Having His Plans Foiled By Me And My Parter is on a rampage!", VelJohnson tells Waru as he basically helps him run around the ring.

Whenever VelJohnson's character Carl Winslow and his partner...Lieutenant...something-or-other...had to team up to catch someone, they would ALWAYS catch him on accident. Either that or Urkel would be the one responsible for him getting arrested.

"I didn't steal anything!", Waru cries out.

Waru thinks VelJohnson is calling him the burglar since he can't see what's happening.

Meanwhile, back in the ring, it appears as if Jackhammer and Funpants are finished with LT.

"Christ, not this "both guys put their foot on his chest and pin him" ending AGAIN.", Funpants says to Jackhammer.

"Well...our partners never made it to the ring, and everyone on the other team is currently incapacitated."

"Renegade's leaving. Can't we just jump him? Or Duggan. I know he's on our team, but can't we go shove that 2x4 up his ass?"

"We could......but I'm afraid we won the match about two minutes ago."

"God dammit."

And so ends the first Saturday Afternoon's Curtain Jerker of 2003. Sphere demands you watch the Royal Battle pay-per-view, live from The Summit in Houston, on January 18th, only on UPN!
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