WR4I (wer4idiots) wrote,

A fWEo Christmas -- 12/24/02 (3 of 3)

Sphere had been left in the middle of nowhere (well, he was still in Beaverton, but you get the picture), and the preliminary wrestlers were roasting marshmallows just a few feet away from him. He wondered if he should go over, beat them all up, and steal their marshmallows, but once he took one step forward...

"HI!" Janitor Eight said, stepping right in front of Sphere.

"Okay, NO ONE knows who YOU are."

"See, that's the good part. I can't be fired by you." Janitor Eight, before he gave Sphere a cheesy wink and a thumbs up.

In response, Sphere gave Eight a cheesy smile and punched him in the face.

"OW! You punched me!" Eight whined, "You punched me right in the face and now blood is gushing out of my nose! I've been busted wide open! Oh my god!"

"HA! And you can't sue me for gross employee mistreatment or whatever they call that crap!"

"Um...do you mean sexual harassment?"

"Huh? With you? Not a chance."

Eight grumbled, "Anyway, I'm the Janitor of Christmas Future, and if you say that Yamaguchi line, I'm going to kick you in the nuts."

"Oh. Alright, alright, I'm sorry about all the trouble I've caused you since you showed up here. How's about a hug?"

"Oh, well, yes, that's very kind of you...", Eight said, before walking toward Sphere to get a hug. However, once he outstretched his arms, Sphere kicked him in the nuts.

"HAHAHA! WHO is going to kick WHO in the nuts? Oh my God, I can't believe you fell for that one!"

BORT: For the way Sphere says that second sentence, just think of the part in "Spaceballs" where Dark Helmet throws the Schwartz ring down the vent after acting like he was going to just give it back to Lonestar.

"Yes, I...crap, I'm not winning this one.", Eight said, before he snapped his fingers, causing a bag of ice to appear. He holds the bag against his crotch and tries to talk Sphere out of attacking the preliminary wrestlers.

"Okay, I know what you're thinking of doing, but there's something you should know. First off, they can't see or hear us."

"Oh...so that's why they haven't turned around and worshipped me yet. I thought they were just, you know, really stupid."

"Well, perhaps, but...they don't know we're here. Also, let's just say, hypothetically speaking, you do somehow manage to beat them up and steal their stuff...I'm gonna show what things are going to look like just six months from now..."

"Wait, only six months?"

"Yes. Six months IS the future, after all."

"Yeah, but barely. You're a crappy Janitor of Christmas Future, you know that?"

"Yes. But if you do this, they shall rise up against you and thrust their pelvises at you."

"Oh, I am SO scared! Like I haven't had men thrust their pelvises at me in anger before!"

"And then Senor Funpants will hurt you. Again."

"Funpants hits like a girl. I just pretend it hurts to make him feel better about hiimself."

"God dammit, why don't I just SHOW you already?" Eight snaps his fingers...

...and they're standing in front of five graves. Sphere reads each of them aloud, as there's a name on each tombstone, with a single letter below the name.

"Bill White...U."

"Bob Smith...S."

"Dan Williams...U."

"Joe Brown...C."

"Mike Clark...K."


Eight nudged Sphere. "See, it says "U SU..."


"Well...now you understand." Eight snaps his fingers, and they're back in the present, watching the preliminary wrestlers roast their marshmallows. "Now that you've seen what'll happen if you were to somehow be able to attack them, which, like I said, is utterly IMPOSSIBLE, what...holy crap, WHY?"

Eight didn't have the chance to finish before Sphere ran up and kicked Bill White in the back of the head. He laughed maniacally as he threw dirt in the faces of Bob Smith and Joe Brown. He picked up a stick and smacked Dan Williams over the head with it numerous times, before running over to Mike Clark and snatching the bag of marshmallows. Eight just shook his head.

"I tried."

BORT: Eight obviously isn't very good at this, since, even though the Preliminary Wrestlers can't see or hear Sphere, he can still run over there and beat them up. Also, six months from now would be June 2003, and all the Preliminary Wrestlers were still alive. I'm not gonna spoil one of Renner's angles for those who are reading this for the first time or don't remember what happens, so I'll get to possibly explaining this away whenever that angle finishes.

Eight snapped his fingers, and Sphere found himself in a dumpster somewhere.

"That moron. I STILL have the marshmallows!"

"Look, I'm not doing the damn recap again!" Evil-Lyn shouted. They were still surrounded by Evil Gnomes, all except for Ken War, who was tied to the Evil Gnome Sacrificial Altar and screaming something about "hardkorr!!11".

"Awh, but Lady Evil-Lyn, is it your destiny to recap our bloody exploits!" Janito protested. Evil-Lyn proceeded to hit him in the face, just because she felt the strong urge to do that.

Hell, if you ran around with these idiots for an entire day, you'd punch them, too.

"You will make a grand sacrifice for our Evil Gnome Corn God!" one of the Evil Gnome Sacrificers said.

"hay, y due u hvae ah cron gad, neway??/" Ken War asked.

The Evil Gnome Sacrificer proceeded to try and stab Ken War in the heart as a response. However, just inches before his big knife that was bigger than the rest of his body could make contact, a surge of light blocked it, then sent the knife flying out of his hand. The knife happened to fall back to the ground and kill the Sacrificer dead. His body slumped down into a conveniently placed button that was marked "Please, For The Love Of GOD, Don't Press This Conveniently Placed Self-Destruct Switch".

Ever heard twenty-nine Evil Gnomes saying "Uh oh" in unison?

Now, you have.

"T-Minus five minutes to self destruction."

"Aww, CRAP!" the Evil Gnome Leader shouted, "We just had this place BUILT!"

The twenty-nine Evil Gnomes began to panic. They ran around in circles, screaming at the top of their Evil Gnome Lungs, and generally wetting their Evil Gnome Pants.

Evil-Lyn and Mega Job shrugged, and while Janito and Oddjob worked to untie Ken War from the altar, Evil-Lyn, Beef, and Steve grabbed the seven foot golden Christmas Tree. They then looked around for some sort of way out of the place.

That's when they saw the mine cart.

"Man," Beef said, "Is it just me, or does every cavern system have a complicated mine tunnel that inevitably leads back to wherever we came from?"

"Shut the bloody hell up and get in, you wanking tosser." Janito said. And so, it came to pass that three men, a midget, a stepladder, a woman, and a golden Christmas tree crowded into a mine cart and set off through a complicated mine tunnel.

Oh, there was a lot in this tunnel.

There were pits of lava that had no Earthly business belonging there, there were slaves, there were great big waterfalls that also had no Earthly business belonging there, there were loops that would never have existed in real mining tunnels, and there were leprechauns.

Then, suddenly, the mining cart hit a 90 degree vertical angle, and for some reason, it kept going. Evil-Lyn noticed this.

"Who the HELL is writing this, anyway?!"

A team of monkeys came out from behind a few rocks to wave their pens and papers around and made "ooo! ooo!" noises.

Before she could respond to it, the mining cart burst through a sewer manhole, conveniently right in front of the apartment building Siren was staying at.

Evil-Lyn blinked.

"Oh god, that was just TOO convenient." she commented.

"Hey, we got the tree, didn't we?" Beef said.

"whee rool~!111" Ken War said.

"SIREN." Steve said, pointing at the apartment building. Mega Job went in that direction, while Evil-Lyn shrugged.

"This is the stupidest Christmas I've ever been a part of." she said, before she, too, followed them in.

They, of course, completely ignored the fact that the five minutes the cavern had to remain a cavern ended and the manhole exploded in a geyser of flame.

"Wait....that's it? This was supposed to be about CHRISTMAS!"

"Sean, you already said that.", Jackhammer told BQ.

"Oh. Uh, yeah. I was just, you know, reminding people and stuff."


Heftel started to walk toward the door. "From my position in the room, I heard a clatter. I walked to the door to see what was the matter. I forgot how to open it, and Siren said "turn, then pull", hopefully behind the door is NOT a bull. Those things scare the hell out of me, one time I got a horn up the ass. I guess that's what you get for hopping the railing in Spain and forcing it to eat some grass."

BORT: Heftel's own version of "The Night Before Christmas".

Then Heftel opened the door, revealing Adam Nowell standing outside.

"What in the hell are you talking about?" Nowell asked. He was, for some reason, standing next to Merv from "Welcome, Freshmen".

"Hey, is that Merv from "Welcome, Freshmen"?", Heftel asked Nowell.

"Uh, yeah...it is. I bring you Merv....for some reason."

"Da da da da, da da da da da, da da da da....DA DA DA DAAAAA!"

BORT: For those who remember "Welcome, Freshmen", then you know what tune Merv was humming (the intro to his "Merv-U-Menteries"). If you don't remember it...well, there's really no way I can explain it, but rest assured, you HAVE heard the song elsewhere.

BQ walked up to the door.

"No. I don't like him. Angel, you can come in, but leave him outside."

BORT: Actually, Merv was the main reason *I* watched the show.

"But...but guys! It's cold!", Merv said, pleading with BQ and Heftel, before Siren walked up to the door.

"You're in the hallway.", she told him.

"It's cold!", he said once again.

Siren rolled her eyes and motioned for BQ and Heftel to pull Nowell into the apartment, and she shut the door on Merv.

"Don't worry," Nowell said, "I don't like him, either. I don't even know why he was with me. He just... kind of... appeared. Yeah."

"W/E." Heftel said.

"Excuse me? Did you just say 'W/E' at me?" Nowell asked.


"Nevermind. So...nice place, Siren."

"Thanks. Glad you like it.", Siren said to Nowell as she smiled at him.

"Yeah, so, um... I like what you did with the, uh, curtains." Nowell said, pointing in the direction of the windows.

"I don't have curtains."

"Could've fooled me."

Kid stood across the room looking jealous as this conversation went on, and had no clue how to draw Nowell AWAY from Siren. After all, there was a strong possibility that Siren could be HIS.


Of course, Kid can't understand Stump.

"Um, Kid...", Claire said.


"Stump, uh...says you should kick Angel in the back of the head."

"Hmm...maybe I will. MAYBE I WILL.", Kid said, as he went to stroke his goatee, but then remembered he didn't have one.

"Now THAT is how you recycle old material", Jackhammer pointed out.

BQ usually strokes his goatee (the fact that he's wearing a mask doesn't stop him) before remembering he doesn't have one.

Kid snuck up behind Nowell a few seconds after Siren excused herself and went into the bathroom. He got set to hit him with a roundhouse kick to the back of the head, but...


"I'll get it", Nowell said, heading for the door, just as Kid's foot swung by, JUST missing his head.

Of course, Kid ended up kicking a hole in the wall, instead. Kid panicked and fell to the floor, with part of the wall attached to his foot. Jackhammer shrugged before he nonchalantly put a picture (a picture of him winking and giving a "thumbs up") over the part of the wall that had been destroyed.

BORT: Taken from the "Buddy Jesus" in "Dogma".

Nowell, of course, ignored all of this and opened the door. In front of him stood Mr. T, La Parka, and Senor Funpants, who was drunk on Nyquil Egg Nog.

"Hello, sir. I had an epiphany, much like one that a certain George Bailey would have.", Mr. T said to Nowell, as Heftel walked to the door.

"What did he just say?", Nowell asked Heftel.

"You're asking ME?", was Heftel's response.

"I don't care what ANY of you guys says....this guy right here....THIS is the guy....", Funpants shouted out, pointing to La Parka.


"Anyway, kind sirs, we bring you the gift of Funpants.", T told them.

"Huh?", Nowell said, blinking.

"Wait...Frankenpants? Hey, guys, T and Parka have brought us the gift of Frankenpants!", Heftel told the rest of the STUMP Squad, before letting the three new guests into Siren's place. Shortly after Funpants collapsed on Siren's couch, she came out of the bathroom.

"Wait...what is Senor Funpants doing on my couch? And why are Mr. T and La Parka here? And WHY is there a picture of Jackhammer on my wall?"

"I see nothing wrong with that last thing.", Jackhammer told Siren.

Funpants sat up on the couch and pointed towards BQ. "HaaaaaaaaAAy...I remember youuuuuuuoh....

BQ, not sure how to deal with a drunk, decided to insult Funpants. "YOUR MOM!"

"Did youuu hear THAT, T? He said YOUR MOM! Whee!", Funpants said, kicking his feet up into the air and raising his arms.

"Sir, I just had an epiphany, and I find it ok that he made a comical remark about your mother. In fact, I'd like to make one about your aunt."

Funpants turned toward a bottle of Surge that was on the living room table. "So that's the way it's gonna be, eh Bob? You wan step outside?"

"Wait.", Claire said, walking over to Funpants. She looks at him for a little while, and then turns to the bottle of Surge. "This isn't supposed to be HERE.", she says, before she picks it up and tosses it out the window.

BORT: Funpants calling the bottle of Surge "Bob" was a rib on me, as all of Funpants' and T's lines in this segment were written by Comey. Of course, he didn't know that the bottle of Surge was back in Sphere's mini-fridge, so I quickly had Claire get rid of it and act like it was never there in the first place. Sure, I could've told Comey we couldn't include that line, but...it's funnier this way?

Meanwhile, outside the building...

"Hey, you morons.", Sphere says to Mega Job and Evil-Lyn as he hops out of the dumpster, brushing himself off, in what can be considered both an insult AND a greeting. "Whatcha got there?", he asks them.

"We found the legendary and mystical Golden Christmas Tree of Deepwithinthefuckingundergroundah!" Beef said, excitedly.

"Oh. And, where, may I ask, are you taking it?"

"To Siren's delightful little abode." Janito said, pointing upward.

"Siren's abode, ay? That means I am DANGEROUSLY close to her bedroom right now...", Sphere said, most likely to himself, but everyone else heard him anyway. Before he had anytime to think, Beef approached him with a suggestion.

"Say, Sphere, I have come up with an idea for a less painful way to decide all of our contests in the fWEo!" Beef said, excitedly.

"Oh, dear God. You, with an idea? I really AM in Hell."

"See, I figure that all of our fights could be contested via a Pokemon battle! Then, we could, like, not get hurt!" Beef said, holding up his Gameboy and a couple of Pokeballs.

Sphere blinked.

"That's the stupidest idea I've heard since I started the fWEo, and that's saying something."

"Awh." Beef said, before he made a sad face. That's where Sphere made his move, and pointed in a direction.

"Look over there! A superhero midget who's confused about their sexuality, has a wooden leg, and is bound to die very soon!"

Everyone turned to look at Steve, who had also turned around. When he didn't see anything, he turned back toward the rest of the group.

BORT: Sphere is actually combining traits of everyone there (in order: Beef/Janito, Steve, Evil-Lyn, Oddjob, Ken War), but because "midget" is the noun in that sentence, everyone else thinks he's talking about Steve.


"Suckers!", Sphere shouted, as he grabbed the Golden Christmas Tree and ran into the apartment building. If you're wondering how Sphere can carry it by himself, or how he got into the building without being buzzed in, you're reading the wrong Christmas story.

"What? Awh, man, I thought this was the one with the kid and the BB gun. I want my five bucks back." Beef said.

"hay, were r th lawleepawps??//"

"You bloody TWATS! We have to get the bloody tree back from that sodding toerag who's buggered off with it!" Janito yelled.

"Can't I take a shower, first?" Evil-Lyn asked.

"No! Onward!"

Mega Job and Evil-Lyn headed into the apartment building and chased after Sphere, while the Benny Hill Theme played. After several minutes of running in and out of different rooms, Sphere was cornered...right in front of Siren's place.

"Okay, hand over the Golden Christmas Tree, and nobody... especially not us, will get hurt!", Beef commands Sphere.

"No! *I* will be the one who presents the Golden Christmas Tree to Siren, and *I* will be the one who has her screaming my name in just a short while! Sorry, Evil-Lyn."

"It's alright."

Suddenly, Steve ran toward Sphere, screaming.


BORT: This is a parody of those commercials where that midget would jump out of compact places and scare the hell out of people shortly before advertising a...what was it, a camera? I think it was a camera.

Mere seconds before Steve could clothesline Sphere in the nuts, La Parka shimmied out into the hallway...




"...I've never seen only half a shimmy until now." Beef commented. Janito and Ken War nodded in agreement.

La Parka continued to half-shimmy as he laid there on the floor, and Steve looked up to see Siren and Mr. T.

"WHAT is going on out here?"

"Tis a shame. All he wanted to do was go out and make a snow angel.", T said as he looked down at his friend.

"I'm sorry, but what in the BLOODY hell did T say?" Janito asked. The unknowing shrugs from everyone else confirmed that they didn't know, either. "Okay, well, anyway, this wankstain over here stole the bloody Christmas tree we were going to give to you, Lady Siren. Thus, we were going to give him a right thrashing and get the bloody tree back."

"NONE of what he said is true!", Sphere yelled, obviously lying. Before anyone could respond, Nowell, Heftel, and Jackhammer walked out into the hallway, Heftel carrying Stump.

"Hey, whoa! A Golden Christmas Tree!", Heftel exclaimed as he put Stump down next to Oddjob. The two inanimate objects "nodded" at each other. "Hey, Kev, help me put Angel up there." Heftel and Jackhammer grabbed Nowell and attempted to put him up on the top of tree.

BORT: Jackhammer gives no argument whatsoever. And I'm just realizing this...out of the three gifts the Wise Men brought to Jesus...gold, frankensence, and mehr...and the way we incorporate that here, Mega Job, of all people, is the only group who actually brings one of those things (the GOLD Christmas tree). T and Parka brought "frankenpants", while Nowell brought "Merv".

"Hey! HEY! Put me down! I do not belong on top of trees! Dammit, don't make me get out the stake and stab you people with it!" Nowell said, before his own words registered in his brain, "...oh, dear lord, did I just say that on my own?"

Claire walked out into the hallway and put her hands on her hips. "Put him down, guys."

Heftel and Jackhammer both made "sad" faces and put Nowell down, as Sphere turned toward Siren.

"Wait a minute.....you're having a PARTY, and *I* wasn't invited? Do you know how much that hurts me?"

"Yes.", she answered.

"Next thing you know, Quicksilver'll walk out into the hallway, right? Hahahaha! Oh, I kill me."

"Yelllllllll-o!", BQ said as he walked out into the hallway and did a "magic wand" wave toward Sphere.

"BLAG! Well...hehe...at least the friggin' 1-2-3 Kid ain't there. Whew, would I want to KILL myself if he were!"

"Hey, BQ, I finally got the piece of the wall off my foot! And I did it all by myself!", Kid said, as he ran out into the hallway.

Sphere was at a loss for words. "Um....geez, I hope there's no hot, naked bisexual supermodels in there."

Crickets could be heard chirping in the distance.

And that's quite sad, it being wintertime and all.

Finally, to put an end to all this madness, Heftel stepped forward.

"Guys, let's put an end to all this fighting. I mean, yeah, we have all our little spats every other Saturday, but let's save that kind of stuff for the bingo halls! Gosh darn it, I might not win alot, or, at all, but we can ALL be winners this Christmas season. See, there was an...accident...down at the town square earlier, and they're left without a Christmas tree. Well, we've got a perfectly good tree here, and we can't decide which one of us gets to keep it, so I say we go and put it up in the town square! Cause, you know, when it all comes down to it, isn't that what the Spirit of Christmas is all about?"

BORT: That rant is PERFECT for Heftel.

Sappy Christmas-movie music plays, and it looks like everyone agrees.

Well, except for Sphere, who just stares at Claire's ass.

Everyone in the hallway picks up the tree and begin their short journey down to the town square, just a few blocks away, and when the hallway is finally cleared, Senor Funpants stumbles out.


Reference from the end of "Super Troopers", when the one kid yells "I LOVE ACID!". Thundercats >>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Acid.


Down at the town square, everyone has just finished erecting the Golden Christmas Tree.

"This is the best bloody tree ever. Too bad it wasn't worth the bloody effort in getting it!", El Janito said.

"Well, hey, looks like a winner to me, and trust me, I've seen ALOT of winners!", BQ tells him, and Janito just shrugs.

"Those ornaments are swank to the Nth degree!", Heftel exclaims.

"PRETTY.", Steve booms.

"You know, I think being on top of that tree would've been really uncomfortable." Nowell commented.

"...", Stump chimes in with.

Oddjob says the same.

"It looks very festive.", Claire says.

"Looks like a...beautiful woman.", remarks Evil-Lyn.


"Man! That's about as beautiful as the time I captured all of the Pokemon! That was pretty damn sw--" Beef said, before Jackhammer interrupted him.

"Actually, I think it's as beautiful as the time I captured Celebi.", Jackhammer said, causing Beef's jaw to drop to the ground, at a loss for words. Jackhammer just turned to Beef and nodded.

"I think the garland's very pretty", Siren said.

"Well, why don't you wrap yourself up in it and then drop it on your bedroom floor while I examine your sheets with my entire body?", Sphere said to her.


"Oh man, that looks AWESOME! Now when's Santa gonna get here?", Kid asked no one in particular.

"It's as miraculous as the time Neil Armstrong set foot on the moon. It was one step for him, but one giant leap for myself. You know, there are certain things about the first moon-landing that the history books do not inform you of, such as...oh, I see everyone is leaving. I will join them.", Mr. T said, cutting his rant short, as everyone decided it was time to turn in for the night.

Well, everyone except for Ken War, who was still standing there and looking up at the tree.

"tat is 1 hardkorr twee!!11".

Then, suddenly, a gong hit. Twelve times. It was midnight.

Then the tree suddenly, abruptly, toppled forward, on top of Ken War, killing him dead.

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night, indeed.
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