"Yup," Beef said, "That's about the gist of it."
"Okay, just so we're clear, I now hate all of you more than ever." Evil-Lyn said.
They dashed through the forest, trying hard not to look behind them to see the two tanks chasing them, knocking over trees as they did so.
"Your mouth says that," Beef said, "But I bet your body doesn't!"
Evil-Lyn briefly considered the possibility of whacking Beef over the head, letting him fall on the ground, and then gleefully watch him be run over by the Evil Gnome Tanks, but by the time she had executed the first two-thirds of the plan, it all became a moot point.
Because yet another Christmas Miracle occured.
As Beef toppled to the ground from Evil-Lyn's backhanded slap, he inadvertantly landed right on a plunger that seemingly wasn't there two seconds earlier. Then, suddenly, a load of dynamite exploded directly underneath the Evil Gnome Tanks, which exploded brilliantly into millions of pieces.
Evil-Lyn stopped running, as did the rest of Mega Job. Evil-Lyn has pretty much just given up trying to explain the absurdity of her trip with Mega Job thus far, and instead just possessed a look of "WTFMF?!" on her face. Steve looked at this and pointed.
"Okay, I'm starting to wonder about this miracle thing," Evil-Lyn said, "I mean, this is supposed to be a RARE thing. Did the Heavens themselves just get a surplus and are now handing them out like cotton candy at a circus?"
"COINCIDENCE?" Steve asked. By this time, Beef got up, and was holding his crotch in pain.
"If this is a coincidence," Beef whined, "Then it HURTS!"
"You deserved it, anyway, you bloody toerag." Janito quipped. However, before Beef could retort, his eyes caught eye of the crater that was left from the dynamite explosion. For hidden amongst the crater was a hole that led to what was apparently a cavern system.
"There!" Beef shouted, pointing at the hole.
"Zuh?" Evil-Lyn asked, "It's just a crater."
"it's a hardkorr carter!!111" Ken War yelled, pumping his fists into the air. While he was doing this, an Evil Gnome Soldier tried to get the drop on him with a big axe, but as he did so, one of his comrades, who had been blown skyward by the dynamite explosion, fell right on top of him at this precise moment, killing them both.
Ah, those blasted Christmas miracles.
Evil-Lyn merely sighed, "Let me guess. You want to go into that cavern just so you can get your jollies in watching me break another nail."
"Why, yes!" Beef said, excitedly.
"I am so going to kick your ass when we get back." Evil-Lyn said.
"Was that some delightful innuendo, Lady Evil-Lyn?" El Janito inquired.
Adam Nowell was now offically very, very afraid.
For one thing, he had that dream involving Sarah "the Jobber Slayer", that lunatic girl that just simply will not leave him alone. Then there was that thing with Hans Krueger.
Happilly, the Christmas carolling preliminary wrestlers were long gone, and if Adam had known that their van had been exploded by a runaway Jobmobile, he might have actually smiled. However, he didn't know, and worse yet, he had noticed the presence of the Referee.
Nowell grumbled and rose to his feet, and shook his head to rid himself of those miserable cobwebs that had managed to get into his head. Nowell wondered how exactly cobwebs get into one's head in the first place, and he also briefly wondered why they would want to be in a person's head anyway.
But, of course, by this time, he probably didn't notice that the Referee was now walking toward him.
"I just thought I'd come by to tell you that I reviewed your debut match."
"Referees do not review matches that occured more than a month ago." Nowell said, idly, as he warilly sat down on a bench and looked up at the Referee.
"No no, see, it's been bothering me for a few weeks, now. So I reviewed it. And, you know, due to you using an illegal international object, I'm afraid I will have to reverse my decision and award the match to Dan Williams." the Referee told him.
It took Nowell a few seconds to register this before he responded.
"WHAT?! Huh!? Excuse me?! You can't POSSIBLY be serious!" Nowell protested.
"Ah ah ah!" the Referee said, "If you're going to complain about this decision, then..."
And then suddenly, abruptly, the Referee suddenly grew breasts.
This is mainly because he was shape-shifting into who can only be described as Sister Payne.
"I'll have to cut off your--" Payne said, but before she could finish the statement, she suddenly grew about two feet, lost her breasts, and turned into the Underweartaker.
The Underweartaker said nothing. He merely looked down and stared at Adam Nowell's crotch.
Nowell looked up at the Underweartaker, then saw where he was staring at, and looked down at his crotch. He remembered just who the Underweartaker was, and spoke up.
"Hey, look, big guy, I wear boxers. You're out of luck, there."
The Underweartaker suddenly disappeared, but not before giving him a smiley.
It was this one.
"Okay, I hate to pull a recap here, but this is really getting annoying to keep up with," Evil-Lyn sighed, as the six of them wandered around in an underground cavern, aimlessly, "We're after a gold Christmas tree. Your van fell off a cliff. Stupid over here is protected by a Christmas Miracle. These same miracles have prevented us from dying a slow, horrible death at the hands of a bunch of midgets with big noses. And we're now wandering around in a cavern with no real direction."
"We are not lost!" El Janito yelled, "We know precisely where in the bloody hell we're going!"
"Okay, smart guy, where are we going?" Evil-Lyn asked.
"Well, that is..." Janito stuttered, but in a moment, it wouldn't matter, because three Evil Gnomes jumped out in front of the gang.
"Aw, bloody hell." Janito said.
"You're not going anywhere!"
"Yes, we are! We're going right into PANIC MODE!" Beef yelled, panicking.
"No, you're not! Stop panicking!" one of the gnomes yelled.
"Oh, sod off back to Deepwithinthefuckingundergroundah, you Deepwithinthefuckingundergroundian bastard!" El Janito yelled, before he reached into his utility belt, pulled out what Evil-Lyn thought was a letter J, and tossed it toward the Gnomes. This is a normally ineffective attack, as Janito tended to do a pelvic thrust before tossing the damn things. Not to mention that anybody who threw letters at their foes were either idiots, or they had a letter fetish. And Janito firmly belonged in the A column.
However, it surprised all of them when, though the J completely missed them and embedded itself into a stone pillar, it did crack the already fragile pillar. The pillar tumbled back toward the Evil Gnomes, and crushed them quite messily.
A nearby Evil Gnome Soldier saw this, and wasn't too happy.
"Man. I didn't want this. All I wanted was for a few Evil Gnome Sluts to give me some good old-fashioned Evil Gnome Head. But noooo... I have to deal with a bunch of morons and..." the Gnome said, before he got a good look at Evil-Lyn and got lost in a bit of lust, "...one hot mama. Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Evil-Lyn pulled out a sign. It said, "PLZ DIE THX". She saw what it said, and cast an evil gaze at Ken War, who merely smiled and went on to rant about all things "hardkorr". Evil-Lyn turned back to the Evil Gnome Soldier, and proceeded to smash him in the noggin with the sign.
He fell over and proceeded to dream some Evil Gnome Dreams.
Evil-Lyn casually tossed the sign over her shoulder, which would have decapitated Ken War under normal circumstances. However, it stopped short of Ken War in mid-air and just abruptly fell to the floor.
Steve pointed at this.
Beef, meanwhile, glanced around the corner into another cave. His expression turned to that have surprise and delight and he shouted excitedly toward the other four members of Mega Job, and he waved them over.
"Look! Look! I found it! The Golden Christmas tree!"
Oh, Beef found it all right.
Too bad there were like thirty Evil Gnome Soldiers doing the Evil Gnome Tribal Dance of the Golden Christmas Tree, directly in front of it.
"Is it just me, or am I getting the slightest bloody hint of deja vu?" El Janito said.
"Well, this sucks." was all Evil-Lyn said in response, "We might as well give up, I don't feel like breaking another nail. I don't feel like going down to that Hell."
"No! Wait! I'VE GOT A PLAN!" Beef said.
"I take that back, Hell would be much nicer."
Sphere had managed to fall back asleep, while the TV was still on. He wasn't asleep for long, though...
Janitor Eleven had just swung through the window again, but couldn't stop his momentum before he hit the TV.
"AHH! They're gonna get me, help befo....huh? What? What happened?", said a startled Sphere, who was awaken by the sound of Eleven crashing into the TV. Eleven dusted himself off and introduced himself.
"Meanieheadingly HI! I'm the Janitor of meanieheaded Christmas Present!" Eleven introduced.
"Janitor of Christmas *Present*? I'm still waiting for the Janitor of Christmas Past!", was Sphere's response.
BORT: Remember, Sphere thought Nine, who was supposed to be the Janitor of Christmas Pas, was just some homeless guy.
"Well, I don't meanieheadingly know where he went. I mean, we had this meanieheaded covered, but meanieheaded Past decided to no-meaniehead-show." Eleven said.
"You know, for a group of janitors, you're VERY disorganized."
"We're meanieheaded JANITORS, working for the fWEmeanieheadedo! We're not supposed to be meanieheadingly organized!" Eleven pleaded.
"Alright, alright, whatever. Now, what are you here for?", Sphere asked.
"Why, I'm meanieheaded here to show you... THE MEANIEHEADED PRESENT!"
"I don't care if you're here to show me Kristi Yamaguchi."
"STOP MEANIEHEADINGLY SAYING THAT!"
BORT: And there's the other "Kristi Yamaguchi" line.
"No.", Sphere said to Eleven, shortly before picking up a shoe and throwing it at his face.
Eleven grumbled, "Meanieheadingly fine! I'll just show you what your meanieheaded actions today caused!"
With a wave of his mop, Eleven took Sphere to the wreckabe of a car, where the Preliminary Wrestlers were still roasting marshmellows.
"What the....are we in Hell? At last! You, go get me some hot demon sex slaves! And where's Ken War? I want him to kill himself over and over again for my personal amusement. And by "personal", I mean JUST MINE. If you laugh, or applaud...whatever...then I'll have you killed, and you'll eventually wind up back here, where I'll shove my pitchfork up your ass on a daily basis!"
"We're not in meanieheaded Hell."
"Are you positive? I see fire, I see employees of mine, and I see some pretty crappy land formations!"
"We're in meanieheaded Beaverton. It's not supposed to be meanieheaded pleasant. Plus, you're the cause of all of this meaniehead!" Eleven said.
"Did you just call me a meaniehead?"
"Yes. Yes, I meanieheadingly did."
"Do you work for me?"
"If I meanieheaded do...will I be meanieheadingly fired?"
"Then I do meanieheaded not. Toodles."
With that, Eleven left.
Just like that, Eleven had vanished, leaving Sphere stranded in Beaverton with the five preliminary wrestlers.
"Is he SURE I'm not in Hell?"
"Okay, so," Evil-Lyn started, preparing for another pointless recap, "We're looking for a Christmas tree which is right in front of us, surrounded by thirty bad dancers. Your car blew up. Ken War's protected by a Christmas miracle. It's dark. And we're, for some reason, now wearing sunglasses."
Indeed, they were, as Evil-Lyn and all five members of Mega Job, even Oddjob, were wearing sunglasses.
"Well, I thought it'd be a classic look, you know?" Beef said.
"It sounds more like someone wanted me to quote the Blues Brothers." Evil-Lyn pointed out.
Then they all looked upwards. Even Oddjob.
"Ah, who gives a sodding crap? We have the bloody plan, don't we?" El Janito asked.
Evil-Lyn rolled her eyes, "No, idiot, we don't have a plan. The only plan you guys have made since we got here was to put on sunglasses and reference Dan Aykroyd movies. As a matter of fact, I'm stunned that we haven't just tried to march up there, chop the damn thing down, and have the midget carry it."
Beef and Janito high-fived.
"YES! YES! BRILLIANT PLAN, EVIL-LYN!!! NOTHING WILL GO WRONG WITH THIS ONE~!" Beef shouted, getting the attention of everyone in the cavern.
This included the Evil Gnomes, who had abruptly stopped the Evil Gnome Tribal Dance. The Evil Gnome Tribal Music stopped playing, while the Evil Gnome Virgin Sacrifice breathed a slight sigh of relief, because she wouldn't have to be stabbed in her Evil Gnome Heart with an Evil GNome Knife for the sake of pleasing the Evil Gnome Corn God with the Evil Gnome Sacrificial Ritual of Evil Gnome Death and Evil Gnome Donuts.
One wonders why the Evil Gnome People of Deepwithinthefuckingundergroundah puts "Evil Gnome" in front of just about everything that has to do with them.
Mega Job and Evil-Lyn didn't really care at the moment.
Evil-Lyn groaned as they were surrounded by thirty disgruntled Evil Gnome Tribal Dancers, armed with Evil Gnome Spears and generally looking like a bunch of meanieheads.
"IDIOT." Steve commented, wanting badly to whack Beef in the balls with the Clothesline From Shanghai, but a spear was pointed at him, so he couldn't do much of anything at the moment.
"hay, des esnt hardkorr!!111" Ken War commented.
Evil-Lyn turned and pointed an accusing finger at Beef.
"This is your fault, you know! YOUR FAULT!"
"Wah." was all Beef could say.
"No no, no no no no no," Santa Funpants said, looking at the Ultimare Warrior. "That pillowbiter isn't coming near me."
"You will let him sit on your lap, and you will let him have Christmas glee," Mr. T said.
"Why the fuck are you speaking in Uzbekistanian? That idiot fuck isn't coming NEAR me."
"Ah, the great Warrior nation understands the cry of the Skeletor. The Warrior nation once tried to assist the great He-Man against your race, DEFEATING the likes of Skeletor everywhere. But the He-Man, he says he can do it himself. He HAS THE POWER. The Warrior nation, the ONE Warrior Nation, did not take that kindly. For you see, when it's sunny, or maybe rainy, or snowy, but not too snowy that it affects your driving, the postal service will be there. You WILL get your Christmas packages. You WILL get your fancy clothes, robes, jewelry, all that you desire. The postal service, like the ONE WARRIOR NATION, will be there day in and day out. And like the great plague, 2/3 of the population DOES like pepperoni on their pizza. And the Warrior DOES believe in the Easter Bunny...but you, Santa Claus, you defy my beliefs. You defy your own existence in my presence. The great Warrior nation was informed at age eight, when the Great Warrior Nation was a small Warrior village, that you did not exist. And yet, you are here. So next week, on WWF Superstars, I WILL defeat you Rick Rude. And I WILL make you PAY!"
"Ok, that's it. I've had enough," said Funpants. "Give me a gun and let me shoot myself now."
"Oh, and I'd like a bicycle," said the Warrior, walking away.
Funpants looked down for a moment. Thank God he didn't sit down, he thought. Then, he looked up.
And the Renegade was on his lap.
"Are you fucking kidding me? You again?"
"I'm a WCW ripoff," Renegade said.
Styles was standing in front of a huge red banner, adorned with the yellow letters making up the word BOB, hung on a wall in his basement. He was standing and wearing a headset and looked at the camera.
"Hello everyone and WELCOME to Styles' BASEMENNNNNT! I am Styles!"
A knocking on the door broke the moment of scene setting. Styles grumbled and walked past some steel folding chairs on the floor. Suddenly, his head was yanked backward and he fell to the floor.
"Oh my GOD! I must be DEAD!"
Knock, knock, knock.
"No. He gets up," Styles said, commentating on his trek. "I'm back up and heading to the door! Styles opens the door. OH MY GOD! It's ANGEL! WHAT'S HE DOING HERE? HE HAS NO BUSINESS IN MY BASEMENT!"
Nowell looked troubled.
"Er, what the hell are you doing with that on?" Nowell asked, pointing at Styles' headset.
"One day, BOB will actually have a new show. And I want to be ready. But what business is that of yours?"
"Well, for one thing, you look like a moron, but I'll let it slide since you always look like a moron. I, uh, can't believe I'm asking you this, but I think I might need your help."
"You want my help? That's funny. Well actually, it isn't funny. Your chimney must be clogged. You must truly be a few feathers short of a whole duck to be asking for my help."
"Tell that to the duck."
"HEY, FUCK YOU, I'LL KILL YOU. THEN SPACECOP WILL RAPE YOUR CORPSE!!!" a smiley, which resembled this: =<>, said.
"OH MY GOD! I SLAM THE DOOR SHUT IN TERROR!"
"Hey! My nose!"
Styles opened the door and stood back, looking at Nowell. Suddenly, Styles was holding a microphone and had it pointed in Nowell's direction. "Try anything funny and I'll make you cut a promo."
Nowell sighed, and tried to walk in, but he couldn't. There was something that kept him from walking in.
"Um, what the hell?"
Styles looked at Nowell, who was outside the door. "What's the problem?"
"I can't come in! What the hell?"
"Hmm..." Styles put a finger to his chin, trying to figure out the problem. "Ahh..." Styles grabbed a piece of paper and starting scribbling away on the pad of paper and handed it to Nowell. It said: "You are cordially invited to attend a segment with Styles in his basement. RSVP by Dec. 24."
Nowell, to his surprise, found himself able to walk in. "Huh? What? Zuh? I don't get it."
"OH MY GOD! So many guests! Whatever will I do? I would've planned better if you had RSVP'd. But your welcome to have some green apple pie and all the sautéed dust bunnies you like."
"I'll... pass. Listen... Styles. I'm being plagued by something. It's really creepy. I think I'm seeing th-" Nowell started, but stopped when he saw who he thought was Sister Payne stand behind Styles.
"Th-? That sounds serious! I haven't heard of a Th- being in these parts in YEARS. OH MY GOD!" Styles ran to his video library and began thumbing through old wrestling tapes.
"Um... uh... Styles?" Nowell stumbled, as he saw Sister Payne start making death threat gestures while looking at him.
"Oh dear lord. I'd suspected the Th- might come back some day, but I never dreamed..." He pulled out a videotape. "Wait a second. That's not Th-, that's Neige 13 I was thinking of. Don't tell me it's Neige 13 Angel! ANYTHING BUT THAT!"
Nowell seemed worried, and seemed to actually know what Styles was talking about. "You mean, that big jobber demon with eight horns, sixteen thousand teeth, a mouth as wide as Rikishi's ass, and haunts the dreams of those that are talented?"
"Umm....quite right, actually," Styles said shaking his head in disbelief. "But what is this Th- you speak of? It sounds quite interesting and new."
Nowell was about to comment, but then he saw that the Underweartaker was directly behind Styles, and seemed to be staring at his ass. Nowell panicked and pointed behind Styles, "AHH! LOOK OUT, STYLES! HE'S GOING TO TAKE YOUR UNDERWEAR!"
Styles turned around and only saw a little Raven WCW action figure. Styles picked it up and began bouncing it in his hands. "Take my underwear, nevermore!" he said mockingly. He mocked the toy! Or was it Nowell?
Nowell blinked. Was he hallucinating?
"Er, um, you know what? I think... yeah, I think I should, like, leave. Or something." Nowell said, backing out of the room.
"But we haven't advanced the plot at all. How am I supposed to help you if I don't know what's wrong with you? Hallucinations? Lack of push. Hysterical pregnancy?"
"What, you're the only one who can hallucinate?"
"But, but... there's a referee right behind you, looking to make a pinfall count!"
The referee waved and smiled at Nowell.
Styles scratched his head. He then took off his glasses and wiped them with his tie. As he put them back on, he jabbed himself in the eye. "OH MY GOD." THEN, Styles turned around. Nothing there. No referee. No nothing.
"Right, well you're quite mad," Styles concluded.
"I don't see Underweartaker, Sister Payne or a Referee behind me."
"Well, okay then, I'll just be on my wa-" Nowell started, but then stopped when what Styles said registered, "What did you say?"
"Umm. OH MY GOD?"
Nowell sighed, "Forget it. I think I'll just go back to my room and yell at my hallucinations for the rest of the day."
"Well, I'll look into this Th- phenomenon for you. Merry Christmas."
Nowell ran away from Styles as fast as he can before he could hear him say "OH MY GOD!" again.
"Golden...Kevin Golden...he's the greatest guy in his-tor-y....from the...state of C-A...he's about to hit a Christmas tree!"
"Michael, you stole that parody from The Simpsons."
BORT: Finally. A Simpsons parody that I point out right there in the actual segment.
"Um, but you really *are* about to hit a Christmas tree. Looks real pretty, too."
Jackhammer tried to slam on the breaks, but it was too late. The car collided with a giant Christmas tree that was on display in the town square, and all the lights that lit up the tree went out. People shouted. Children cried. Jackhammer and Heftel just sat in the car.
"Geez, and you're supposed to be the SERIOUS one?"
"How can we take you seriously when you're an absolutely HORRIBLE driver?"
"Well, I don't expect to be taken seriously while affiliated with you. After all, I don't matter."
I'm sure you've all heard the story by now...handler of Mike Bear...tried holding me down in fWo for some reason...said most of my characters didn't matter...disappeared...no one cared to ask questions...body in my basement.
Jackhammer and Heftel got out of the car and decided to walk to Siren's place, removing their outfits as they did so.
"Hey Kev...you celebrate Christmas, right?"
"Yes, I do."
"But...aren't you Jewish?"
"No. What gave you that impression?"
"Didn't you used to wrestle with the Star of David on your tights?"
If it wasn't Christmas Eve, surely Jackhammer would've ripped Heftel's head off after a comment like that. Instead, he just pushed him into the path of an oncoming bicycle.
Goldberg would sometimes have the Star of David on his tights.
Back at Siren's place...
"Sean...what do I do?"
"Just...uh...calm down? Yeah, that's it. Besides, what's wrong with being able to talk to Stump?"
"It's gonna turn me into....", Claire said, before stopping to look at BQ, who was waiting for an answer. "Um...I mean...it's fine? Yeah, that's it. Besides, what's wrong with being able to talk to Stump?"
"That a girl.", BQ told Claire as he slapped her on the back and walked over to Stump.
As BQ walked away, Claire realized what she had just said and placed both hands on the side of her head. "WHY?", she shouted to herself.
Claire said the exact same thing BQ had just told her, despite the fact that the last thing she wanted was to become a female version of BQ.
As BQ conversed with Stump, Kid continued his "conversation" with Siren.
"So...yeah, I stole the money and we've been friends ever since."
This references the second match he had with Razor Ramon in the WWF. I actually did the commentary for our next show before this, and I go into more detail there.
Siren giggled and put her hand on Kid's. Kid looked down and was a bit confused.
"Um...was there a bug on my hand?"
Before Siren could answer the STUMP Squad-like question posed to her, BQ walked over to them, carrying Stump.
"Hey Siren, Stump says you're really blonde, but I think that's your real hair color, probably cause I didn't see any of that fake dye crap in your bathroom. Now, which one of us is right?"
Strangely enough, this REALLY happened at a party I went to two months after writing this segment. Me and a friend had a debate on whether this girl at the party, who we had only met a few times beforehand through another friend, was really blonde (that's what the friend thought), or if she's always had brown hair (which is what I thought). We warned her that what we were about to ask would be stupid, but apparently she was used to me after only meeting me two or three times, as she saw no problem with it and informed us that she's always had brown hair. I ended up winning five bucks out of the deal, so...hey, go me.
A tampon fell out of the back of BQ's mask.
Everyone looked down at it once it hit the floor.
Siren looked at BQ, who struggled to come up with an excuse.
"Okay, seriously, I have NO idea how that happened."
For the record, tampons scare me to death. Even if it's still in the package. Hell, even if the BOX hasn't been opened yet. I just don't wanna be anywhere near them.
"Knock, knock," Sarah said, pretending to knock on Styles' door, which was actually open, thereby making it air she knocked on. But can you really 'knock' on air? And luckily, she wasn't alone. Following her inside were Kay Fabe, Xamfir and Jeannie.
"Oh Sarah, you just missed Angel."
"Is it Sunday?"
"No. I meant, um…he was here."
"Oh?" she asked raising her eyebrows as a hint of a smile crept on her face.
"He seemed a bit, well, mad, really."
"Are we talking Little Good mad or Ike Turner mad."
"Umm, more, Little Good. He didn't take a swing at me, I guess. Right, so, he referred to the Th-. And he seemed to be suffering from some sort of, well, hallucinations. I think."
"Hi," Xamfir said. "Nice to see you too Styles."
"Don't I get any dialogue," Jeannie whispered to Xamfir.
Xamfir shook his head. "No, this is the fWEo. Women just shut up and look pretty here."
"Oh," she said smiling. "I can do that," she said with a smile.
"I'm starting to think that there is a more EXTREME force at work here for bringing Angel to the fWEo," Styles said.
"More evil than Evil Smokey The Bear?" Sarah wondered
"OH MY GOD yes."
"What makes you think that?" Sarah asked.
"Just a hunch, really. Kay. Since you're so good with that, thing, I was wondering if you could look up something on that, thing."
"The computer?" Kay Fabe asked. "Well, Kay Fabe is more familiar with lesbian chat rooms, but Kay Fabe will give it a shot." She took a seat at the laptop computer and began typing Th- into a search engine. "Ah, here we go."
"Did you even hit return?" Xamfir asked.
"Oh, don't point out plot holes," Styles scolded as everyone gathered around Kay, who amazingly, got the exact match she wanted on the first try.
"This web site refers to the Second Cousin of the First Evil," Kay Fabe told everyone. "They could have made Nowell come to the fWEo."
"They?" Styles asked.
"The High Priests of the Second. Cousin of the First Evil."
"Then we've got to stop them," Xamfir said.
Everyone looked at Xamfir. There was no love lost between Angel and Xamfir. There wasn't? Sure. Just keep telling yourself that.
Styles put on his bestest end of the world voice. "The Second Cousin of the First Evil. Oh dear lord. Sarah, you can't fight the Second."
"I can't fight the second?"
Kay continued on. "It says they will speak only in slow sentences and laugh at everything they say. They are the harbingers of weed. No pot shall grow above or below them without being smoked."
Suddenly, a fence was kicked open. Sarah was power-walking in a pot garden. She suddenly came to a clearing. "This must be iiiiiiiiiiiiit"
Hysterical laughter followed as Sarah landed in a little cave under the weed garden.
"Duuuuude. It's raining, chicks!"
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA, everyone laughed.
"Awesome," one of the other Stoned Priests said. "Man, I'm so wasted."
"You'rrrrre soooo wasted, man? Duuuuude, I'm hiiigher, than GOD, man!"
Sarah stood up and dusted herself off. "This is my competition?" She kicked one of the Stoned Priests of the Second. Cousin of the First Evil.
One of the Stoned Priests squinted. "DUUUUUUDE. You're harshing our buzz!"
"Very impressive," a voice said behind Sarah as the third Stoned Priest of the Second Cousin of the First Evil fell asleep.
Sarah turned around and came face to face with Sister Payne. "You won't get Angel in the sack!"
"I don't WANT Angel in the sack," she said. "But IF I wanted to, I could. You think you could fight me? I am not just a jobber little girl. You can't even conceive…"
"I can too conceive. I'm just very careful!"
The Second Cousin shook her head. "I am the First Jobber! Beyond talent. Beyond pins. I am the thing that all viewers fear. You'll never see me, but my jobbers are everywhere. Every loss, every bad promo, every pathetic appearance on a TV screen, every blown spot…"
"OK I get it, you're a jobber. Do we have to chat about it all day?"
The Second Cousin didn't miss a beat. "Angel will be dead by sunrise. You're Christmas will be his wake."
"Aren't I Jewish?" Sarah wondered about herself.
"You have no idea what your dealing with here," The Second Cousin reminded Sarah.
"Let me guess. A jobber?"
Sarah and the Second Cousin stared at each other. It was a rather uncomfortable moment. Sarah tapped a finger against her lips. The Second Cousin looked at her watch.
"I told you you couldn't fight me."
"Well, maybe I can't fight you. But I can go save Angel from making a big mistake. Well, another big mistake."
Sarah ran to go find Angel. Outside no doubt, since that's where Angel went the last time he was feeling the need to get a suntan.
"We're here in the Control Center, where I can tell you pissants to shut up," Sean Mooney began. "I can also tell you that I've been handed a sheet that says 'Comey is writing this'. I can instantly tell you that this won't be funny. Not only am I involved, but the worst writer for this Godforsaken company is doing this sketch. I mean..."
"Shut up and come have a beer, carrot top." Larry Zbysko
"How dare you use His name without capitalizing it. Who are you, Big Shot?"
"Big Shot's a fucking goober," Reginald VelJohnson said. "I remember this one time, on the set, and Big Shot was all like 'Look at me, I'm gonna be the grandma! I punched him where he stood, and then danced on his privates."
BORT: Even though Comey wrote this, there's still a whole bunch of anti-Big Shot lines because he hated him probably more than I did.
Everyone nodded, before Virgil broke in.
"This one time, I had the Million Dollar Belt with me...I had to take it to the hardware store you know, and do some things that one normally does with his MDB...by that I mean Million Dollar Belt...and Big Shot was all like 'Hey, you're all about Velocity!' I did my sugar dance and kicked that chicken's ass!"
I'm just going to note that most of the guys here are out of character, as they speak in a very sophisticated manner, at least compared to how they usually talk.
"Hey, that other dickwad, that Renner..." broke in Jim Duggan, "he said to Comey that we're irrelevant. He's a HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
"Well, we are," said Bam Bam Bigelow. "I mean, when I ripped the spine out of that midget clown...was that necessary? I mean, if it weren't in a ring, I could have been fined!"
"Well, there are just some days where you have to rip the spine out of a midget clown." said Kevin Greene. "Hey, Mongo...would you read some of my poetry?"
"Sure," said Mongo, wearing glasses and sipping tea from a china cup.
This is what he read:
Your lips, so sweet
Your scent, so intoxicating
My heart beats, skips
Just to hear your voice
It makes me melt
"It's lovely," said Mongo. "The topic is a bit cliched, but I enjoy the spin you put on it."
"Your reading voice is very profound," said LT. "I would like it if you read a bedtime story to me sometime."
"You've got it."
"As you can see, here in the Control Center, this Comey guy really hates us," said Mooney. "Let's move to David Crockett, who's standing by with Barry Horowitz."
"Hey, look at t...oh Jesus, I'm doing it again, aren't I?" said Crockett.
"We need to take a trip to the hardware store, guys. That'll cure me." Barry, I've got an itch. Can you help me?"
"Yeah, let me pat your back for you."
Barry itched David's back. He enjoyed it greatly.
"Ah...I heard you guys were talking about Big Shot. He's a stupid fuck, isn't he? I want to shove my foot so far up his ass he needs to take my shoe off to sneeze."
"I'd like to stick a pole up his ass and use him as a plunger," said LT.
"Is there no end to his stupidity?" said Duggan.
"Let's put it this way, guys," said Zbyszko. "In this game of human chess, he was the first piece taken."
"Hey, yo.", Razor Ramon said upon entering the room. "Did you guys come here to see...Big Shot?"
Everyone booed in unison.
"Or...did you come here to get PISS DRUNK!?", Razor exclaimed, as he produced a bottle of tequila, and everyone popped like mad.
"Ladies and gentlemen, this has been Sean Mooney, and we here at the World Wrestling Federation with you a very HAPPY Easter."
"Um, Angel?" Sarah yelled as she skipped up the hill where Nowell stood.
"Hey, Angel, look, I think you should get inside. Or something like that. I didn't really catch all of the details. But, you know, I think the sun's gonna come out soon."
"Yeah, I know," Nowell said, "I can smell it coming."
"You can? Wow. That's impressive. Why can't I do that?"
"Hey, I really can't, it's just what the script said." Nowell said, holding up a big script that said "AMENDS" on it. He proceeded to toss it over his shoulder and off of the hill.
A few seconds later, the sound of a trash can being toppled over and cat screeching was heard.
Of course, the whole thing was completely ignored by Sarah.
"If you die now, all you ever were was a jobber."
Sarah punched him.
Nowell punched her back.
Without missing a beat, Sarah kept talking. "I love you so much. And I've tried to make you go away.....but every place I go sells Devil Dogs! I wish that I could break your kneecap and make you go away, but I can't!"
"Um. Why not just leave me alone? That'll make me go away! Really!"
Sarah seemed puzzled. "What do you mean?"
"Well, um. You know. If you go away and never come back, I would go away!"
She shook her head. "Nope. Doesn't make any sense."
"Sure it does! Think about it. Oh. Wait. I forgot. I'm talking to Sarah the Sanity Slayer."
"So what, you want me to leave you alone and let you die as a jobber? And now, an EVIL JOBBER of all things? I'm sorry. But you are much better than that Angel. I know you felt something in that dream sequence we taped. Literally. I could feel it."
"Well, now that you mention it, I... HEY! That was TAPED?!"
"My God, do you need some sort of sign from the Heavens to prove to you that you are not a jobber? Not, really, anyway. Because you're a jobber with a puppy. And puppies equal happy and happy equals good."
"I'm not a frigging jobber!"
"Then why do you want to die?!"
"Well, for one thing, Hell's got to be a better place than being in the fWEo."
Sarah thought on this for a second...."You know....Brawlers On a Budget has often been called Hell..." She shrugged and then smiled. "So if you KILL yourself....we could be together...FOREVER!"
"OH DEAR GOD! Okay! Fine! I won't die!"
Nowell suddenly had a very bad feeling. Then Sarah confirmed it. "Oh goodie, it's sunrise!"
Nowell expected to burst into flames, but oddly, didn't.
Instead, a single snowflake fell. Followed by several hundred more. And then several thousand more.
"Well, that's certainly anti-climatic." Nowell noted.
"Eh, no biggie. Wanna stay out here till the storm blows by?"
"Um, no. In fact, I'm going inside before we die from exposure or something."
"Will I ever see you again Angel?"
"I hope to God not." Nowell said, then he ran off back toward the hotel, before Sarah could figure out what he just said.
"He loves me," she said with a happy smile before extending her arms out wide and looking up at the snow as it fell down on her.
On the way back, Nowell chanced a look at a clock, and his eyes widened in absolute shock, "WHAAAAT?! It's only eleven o'clock! I've been had! .......Oh well, maybe there's a party that I'll inevitably find at Siren's apartment."
He went in that direction.
The camerman tugged at Santa Funpants' beard. Funpants held onto it.
"What the hell?"
"Don't swear in front of children," Mr. T reprimanded.
"Listen to me...if you don't stop your goddamn alien langauge, I'm going to beat the fuck out of you!"
Funpants looked at the camerman.
BORT: Possibly the most true-to-life exchange on any fWEo show. Also, I believe it's one of the funniest things to ever be written for one of our shows.
"Goddamn! FUCK! FUCK YOU!" The camerman was enjoying himself a lot. Funpants looked around, and quickly put the kid down.
"If anyone asks, he learned it from Sphere."
"I pooped fuck myself," the camerman said as he was led away.
"Good, we're done. We're definitely done."
"I *said* we're DONE."
The three walked away as Barry Bladberth showed up.
"Awww, I never get to do anything fun."
"That's because you're not funny. Hi, I'm the CEO for Things That Aren't Funny. We..."
"Hehe...which Nitro Girl taught you THIS one? Haha...HORK!"
BORT: I love using the word "hork" whenever someone is being choked, tackled, or suddenly pulled away from something.
Siren had jumped up off the couch and lunged for BQ, who turned around and tried to run, but was tackled from behind. Siren was now on his back as he lay on the floor, and had him in a chokehold.
"Hey, there's something on the back of my head! TWO things!"
BQ made the mistake of letting Siren know her breasts were resting on the back of his head as she had him in the chokehold.
Siren tightened her grip.
"Why is it that....guhhhhh....the only time chicks are...gah...all over me...is when they want to KILL me?"
Kid and Stump just looked on, with Kid perhaps wishing he was BQ at the moment. As for Stump...he just stared at Siren's ass the whole time.
Meanwhile, Claire had just remembered something as she was walking back and forth behind the couch. "Hey, Sean, remember the time I tried to be nice to you and you kicked me in the nuts? Huh? Yeah! Then, a little while later, I gave you one of my masks and let you see my face! Well, now that I say that, I'm wondering "Hey, what happened to that mask?", and oh boy, then there was the time we got assaulted by parrots in the pet store!"
All things that Claire did to BQ, not the other way around.
Kid got off the couch to answer the door, but before he could open it, the door swung open on it's own, sending him across the room.
"See, it's her place! I knew we didn't have to bother knocking", Heftel told Jackhammer as Siren jumped off BQ and ran over to Kid.
"Oh my God, are you okay?"
"What happened? I...I thought my jobbing days were over...", Kid said to Siren. Heftel, who overheard this, walked over to them.
"A-hahahahahahahaha! Sean's your mentor and you think your jobbing days are over? SOMEBODY needs to get in touch with reality! And God dammit, where's my polka-dot, fire-breathing unicorn that I was promised for Christmas?"
Unicorns are real. The STUMP Squad winning a match is not.
Jackhammer walked over to Claire in an attempt to greet her, but was very surprised at her behavior.
"Hey, Kev! Remember the time in high school where I was put up on the flagpole in just my underwear and you had to get me down?"
"Yeah! And then there was the time that other bald wrestler guy poked me in the eyes with his middle fingers, and then you saved the day by smacking him in the knee with a rolled-up newspaper!"
Steve Austin attacked BQ and Heftel in their hotel room once, and was only subdued after Jackhammer hit him in the back of his knee with a newspaper.
"Are you alright?"
"Of course I am! Just like the time we were running away from the clerk at that 7-11, and you jumped on the back of the car, just like that future robot guy in that future robot movie!"
"Well, yes, I'd say that *was* impressive, since all I needed to do that was two child-sized umbrellas, but...wait, something's wrong here."
"Oh, oh, OH! And then there was the time Chronos was trying to kill me! If it weren't for you, I probably wouldn't be here today! A-ha-ha! A-hoo-hoo! A-hee-hee! Hahahahahahaha!"
Jackhammer grabbed Claire by the shoulders, and then slapped her with his right hand, following it up with a backhand across the face, causing Claire to stop laughing.
"I...I don't know what came over me."
The laughing, Jackhammer's way of snapping Claire out of it, and Claire's response were all taken from "Toy Story". Buzz had gone insane after having tea with a bunch of dolls, and Woody had to smack some sense into him.
"Don't worry. You just had a little...nervous breakdown, that's all."
"But...I can understand Stump now..."
"Trust me...everything's gonna be...alright."
Claire hugged Jackhammer, who returned the favor, as he mouthed "Dear God" and patted Claire on the back.
"What about them?"
"They're not slowly making their way down to my ass."
"I'm a happily married man."
BQ finally got up off the floor, and looked around the room. Jackhammer and Claire had just let go of each other, and Jackhammer rubbed her head, while Siren helped a clueless Kid to his feet. Heftel was looking up at the ceiling for no reason in particular, and Stump was still sitting on the couch.
"Wait....that's it? This was supposed to be about CHRISTMAS!"