WR4I (wer4idiots) wrote,

Saturday Afternoon's Curtain Jerker -- 07/26/03

Saturday Afternoon's Curtain Jerker opened like it normally does...in Sphere's office. Hey, if it ain't broke, then why fix it, right? Or in the fWEo's case...it's been broke for a while, don't even bother. Sphere was seated behind his desk, and Texas Kid was in one of the chairs in front of his desk.

"Scott, my friend, I've got a BRILLIANT idea for today's main event.", Sphere told Texas Kid.


"Excuse me?"

"You called me "Scott" again. I'm Texas. Texas Kid."

"I apologize profusely, Mr. Hart. Anyway...today's main event will see Black Quicksilver defend the Sphere Heavyweight Championship against the very man who pinned him three weeks ago...Lawrence Taylor."

BORT: Something I just realized now...the match that Sphere references was the only match on the last show that actually had a finish.

"Fascinating. Is there a stipulation that will no doubt cause Quicksilver to lose the title?"


"Oh. Right. Is there a stipulation that will no doubt cause that BASTARD Quicksilver to lose the title?"

"Very good...and yes, there *is* a stipulation that will no doubt cause that BASTARD Quicksilver to lose the title. Everyone is BANNED from ringside!"

"What a spectacular idea!"

"Yup, that's why I keep myself here."

"But...wait a minute. If everyone's banned from ringside...that means you can't interfere."

"Hmm...I believe we can go just ONE show without my presence in the main event. Besides, that means that no-good tub of lard Bigelow can't interfere, either."

"Yeah, but....that means Funpants and Reginald VelJohnson can't interfere, as well."

"And Mooney and Zbyszko are gonna be there calling the match....DAMMIT! God's out to screw me over, I tell you! Sure, I get alot of women and I get to make fun of people for no reason at all and say stuff like "You have no chin", and I always go on about how there is no God, or, better yet *I'm* God, but still...God's against me!"

"Um...when you're done, there's something important I have to tell you about."

"Just...just go on. Damn Messiah."

"Well...Eliza's gone."


"Um, THEY got her."


"Yeah...developmental deal."

"Those sons of bitches."

Eliza had been signed to a WWE developmental deal, and since we acted as if fWEo were a "real" promotion, that meant we couldn't use her anymore.

BORT: Alex was supposed to write this match, but seeing as how he didn't write anything on this show, I'm guessing this was the period where he began to flake out. As you'll see, I wrote this in "hyper-drive" mode just so it wouldn't seem as bad as I thought it was gonna be.

SACJ went down to the ring, where Sweet's "Little Willy" brought out Gershwin Kosher, one of the newest and brightest fWEo superstars. Alright, so there's quite a few lies in that sentence, oh well. Kosher entered the ring and waited for his opponent.

The "few lies" were actually just two lies...one being that Kosher was "bright" and the other being that someone who works for the fWEo is a "superstar".

"Cotton-Eyed Joe" started to play, and out walked James Cagle. Seriously, what song would be better for him? If you can think of one, then we don't care. Oh, and this is a HARDCORE MATCH!!!!!!!

Apparently, nobody told Kosher about this stipulation, and once Cow mooed, Cagle WHACKED KOSHER RIGHT IN THE MOUTH WITH A TRASHCAN LID!!!!!!! Yes, now Kosher will be unable to talk during the match, what a surprise. Through body language, Kosher wonders where the rest of the trashcan is, so Cagle pulls the trashcan out from behind his back and PUTS IT OVER KOSHER'S HEAD AND UPPER BODY!!!!!!! Cagle then GRABS A CHAIR AND WHACKS THE TRASHCAN SIX TIMES!!!!!!! Kosher stumbles around in circles with the trashcan still on, dizzy from all the chairshots, and with a simple shove, KOSHER GOES OVER THE TOP ROPE AND THROUGH A TABLE!!!!!!! Cagle goes outside, picks up Kosher, and rolls him back in the ring. For those wondering, Kosher is still wearing the trashcan.

The line about Kosher not being able to talk was referencing how I didn't really feel like writing dialogue for him, so I just had the first spot in the match be Cagle smacking him in the mouth with something.

Back in the ring, Cagle removes the trashcan from Kosher, who's freaking out because HE'S BEEN BUSTED OPEN!!!!!!!! Okay, so it's just a small cut on the side of his face...it's barely noticeable, but...yeah, he's freaking out. Sorry, there's no clever way of repeating that he's freaking out. If you want quick wit and laugh-out-loud humor, go read a Chris Titan roleplay. Oh, and there's a banana peel on Kosher's head.

I have no idea why I threw a Chris Titan reference in there.

Well, there *was* a banana peel on Kosher's head, as Cagle HAS GRABBED A SINGAPORE CANE AND IS BEATING THE HELL OUT OF KOSHER!!!!!!!!!! Kosher silently wonders where all these weapons are coming from, shortly before Cagle WHIPS HIM WITH A CHAIN AND THROWS A SHOPPING CART AT HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!! Now Cagle has set up two tables in the ring, and he picks up Kosher in a gorilla press, dropping him onto the top table. Kosher's not even on the table for three seconds before Bob "Jail-House Rocker" McGee JUMPS OFF THE LIGHT FIXTURE HANGING OFF THE CEILING AND PUTS HIM THROUGH THE TABLES!!!!!!!!

Okay, so only the top table broke...and only McGee's knees hit Kosher. Still, it was HARDCORE!!!!!!!!!

McGee does his best to sneak out of the ring without being seen, but the ref can see him, and outside interference is legal, anyway. As if this match isn't overbooked already, the nWo Elite (that's Mongo and Kevin Greene, newbies and morons) are both on the apron, trying to distract Cagle.

Okay, Mongo's on the apron, and Greene's on the floor, nibbling at Mongo's ankles. Cagle, who obviously came prepared for this match, reached into his pocket and pulled out a milkbone. He tossed it as far as he could, and Greene went off to get it, running on all fours and literally dragging Mongo with him. Yeah, I mean it, he was literally DRAGGING Mongo with him! It was hilarious! Anyway, Kosher starts to get up as Cagle turns around, somehow managing to slip on that banana peel. Cagle comes crashing down, and Kosher collapses on him, getting the three-count.


At Venice Beach, things weren't going so well for some people.

BORT: Going by the title of this segment, you can tell this show takes place in Venice Beach, which is supposedly Hulk Hogan's hometown. And Sting's too, I think. This one was written by Comey.

"Hey, your bottle's in the wrong place!"

Underweartaker looked down and to the right. He shrugged.

"Hey, whatever man," said the hippie who was walking by. "Just as long as you two guys are ok. Why are you fellas wearing one sweater?"

"I am not wearing a sweater," Reginald VelJohnson said. "And these are NOT two people," he added, referring to his big man breasts.

"Dude, I'm probably high right now...I think your left nipple told me to invest in Starbucks."

"No, I did," said VelJohnson's right nipple, rather subtlely, to the point that nobody noticed.

VelJohnson's mouth said again: "Hey, your bottle's in the wrong place!"

VelJohnson walked over, and risked one of the "don'ts" of the male population. He placed a bottle of Cherry 7-Up over Underweartaker's...non-underwearing, exposed junk.

"Shouldn't you have some sun-tan lotion over that? Or are you a party animal, tanning out here naked on Venice Beach? Hmmm...that's an odd thing to say, saying something so obvious as to what you're doing."

Meanwhile, Sister Payne walked around in a traditional bathing suit, which has come to be known as what nuns wear. It's no longer traditional, in case you're wondering. Meanwhile, another hippie walked by, and noticed VelJohnson.

I'm not sure what Comey's obsession was with having hippies keep popping up in this segment just to ridicule members of the fWEo roster.

"Wow, twins! You guys look like the "before" on that Subway commercial! Are you those guys?! And DUDE, where'd you get that sweater?! Did you get it from the hobo down the alley? Are you cojoined twins, because if so, are you meshed together at the head? And did you get a third, less unattractive head attached to your two large cyclops-like heads? Man, I feel like I'm trippin..."

"I AM NOT TWO PEOPLE WITH ONE HEAD ABOVE THEM!" VelJohnson steamed. He flopped around towards the basketball courts, where he immediately encountered a basketball in his cleavage.

He popped the basketball.

"Oh, gee," said one of the roughneck homeboys from the hood playin ball on the world-famous courts.

"Golly whiz, that's our last basketball, mister!" said another thug n*gga from 'round the way.

"Hey, he's got two more basketballs, under that sweater!" said a third homesizzle wearing a bandanna and a tattoo that said "CRIPS DIE, FUCKA!" "Sir, would you be so kind as to lend us one of those basketballs, so we can continue our friendly game of 'Around the World'? Reginald here is winning, but Carlton is making a jolly good comeback. And..."

VelJohnson flopped after the thug homies, attempting to attack them. They fleed in search of beach security. Meanwhile...

"I am going to squash you flat!"

Jim Duggan had noticed the bottle of Cherry 7-Up.

"Listen here, tough guy! You have betrayed me and made me look silly! YOU LIKE MAKING ME DOG YOU LIKE CRAZY, EH TOUGH GUY! Well, listen here, TOUGH GUY! When Jim Duggan and the good ol' USofA gets down in the three-point stance, we'll make you DISAPPEAR! YOU ARE GONNA GO DOWN! I'll take you down for the ONE, TWO, THREE, and then I'll give you the FOUR, FIVE, SIX! You have played your last tough guy, tough guy! When I'm through with you, you'll never be the same again! RUFF RUFF RUFF!"

Go back and re-read what you just read; however, please remember that the bottle of Cherry 7-Up is laid over Underweartaker's crotch. And, please think of the crowd that Jim Duggan amassed while he was yelling...in the general direction of said crotch.

Oh yeah...Bam Bam Bigelow was flying a kite before this, but he fell in the ocean and was eaten by a whale that was floating close to shore. He'll surface later, because you can't EAT Bam Bam Bigelow...you can only hope to nibble on him.

SACJ went back to the ring, in which Joe Brown was already standing in. "The Art of Losing" hit, bringing out his opponent, a member of the STUMP Squad, the 1-2-3 Kid. Kid, although he'd been in the fWEo for eight months now, was still a bit nervous whenever he walked to the ring, even with the sounds of American Hi-Fi blaring throughout the bingo hall. Yes, Amercian Hi-Fi, the band that brought you that kick-ass hit "Flavor of the Weak" back in '01. Kid remembers seeing that video for the first time right after he saw "Hello Time Bomb" from the Matthew Good Band, also for the first time. He ended up listening to both albums and concluded that American Hi-Fi's was better, as there was more than one good song on that particular CD. He realized that he could experience a great deal of backlash from Canadians after revealing that he prefers American Hi-Fi over the Matthew Good Band, but they can all kiss his ass as far as he's concerned. God DAMN Canadians. He hears that Matthew Good went solo or something...perhaps the band broke up. Good for them. Back to the subject of his theme music, he actually had a tough choice picking a song to make his entrance to. He thought of coming out to Avril Lavigne's "Sk8er Boi", but his hopes were dashed when Evil-Lyn grabbed a different Avril tune to use for her entrance music. He then shuffled through his CD collection...7 Mary 3, Celine Dion, Cutting Crew, Ace of Base ("No, wait...", he said to himself after that one, realizing that it was Texas Kid's CD), 3LW, Too Short, New Kids On The Block, Damn Yankees, a mix CD that had apparently had the Meat Puppets' "Backwater" on it, NOW Volume 6, an advance copy of Hanson's new album, Tiffany's Greatest Hits, Music From The Late Show With David Letterman....no use. He couldn't find the perfect theme. Soon after, upon Mike Heftel's suggestion, he did a search on "that intranet thing" for a song with the word "losing" in the title. Bam. He had his new entrance music.

BORT: You'll notice that a vast majority of Kid's CD collection is stuff from the 90's. The story on Kid hearing about American Hi-Fi and Matthew Good Band at the same time is a true story, only with me in his place.

Oh, yeah...the match. Kid won with a spinning heel kick variation and draped an earthworm over Brown's body afterwards.

SACJ went back to Sphere's office, where Sphere and Texas Kid were discussing the last match.

"Boy, that sure did suck, ay, Scott?"

"Sure did. Texas."

"No, that was an earthworm."

BORT: Sphere, still believing that Texas Kid and Scott Hart are the same person, has no idea TK is correcting him when it comes to who he actually is. Instead, he thinks TK is confusing an earthworm with the state of Texas.

"Feh...him and his stupid earthworms. My sewer armadilloes are SO much better!"

Before Sphere could respond to that comment, La Parka and Mr. T (the current Million Dollar Champion, foo) entered his office. They both had clipboards in their hands, meaning it looked like they were gonna be staying here for a while.

"And how may I help you two?", Sphere asked them.

"Sphere, La Parka and I have a dilemma. We can't decide what to wear for our match at SummerHiptoss, so we've gotten some of our fellow fWEo superstars to model a few outfits, and, since you're the man in charge, we want your honest opinion on what the best outfits are.", Mr. T told him.

Sphere turned to La Parka.

"Parka? Care to explain why you and T are here?"


"Ah, I see. Bring on the models!"

BORT: I can only interpret the set-up for this segment being that La Parka believes the whole thing was his idea and he's gotten so used to not being able to understand Mr. T that he's fine with everything as long as T does what he says.

La Parka and Mr. T walk over to the left of the office door, while Texas Kid slides his chair over so Sphere can see the "models". La Parka motions for the first two to enter the office, and in walk Claire and Nitro Girl Siren, much to the delight of Sphere, and to a lesser extent, Texas Kid (cause he's not as important as Sphere, see?). Mr. T, even though no one can understand him, started to describe Siren's outfit as she stepped forward.

"Siren is sporting a sleak black sports bra and a VERY skimpy pair of shiny blue tights! This outfit was put together from leftovers of her days as a Nitro Girl in WCW, the company that was so smart, the only time they ever displayed this woman's talents on-air was when they promoted the use of Viagra! Siren, gentlemen...Siren!"

BORT: It's true. Billy Kidman and Shane Douglas were feuding after Torrie Wilson had turned on Kidman to join up with Douglas. Kidman somehow got ahold of a tape where it was revealed that Douglas was, well...impotent. He made fun of Douglas for this, and they met in a "Viagra on a pole" match. Douglas won, since he was able to climb the pole and grab the bottle of Viagra. Seriously, I'm not making any of this up. He then proceeded to beat Kidman's ass and pour some of the pills down his throat. Later on in the night, Kidman, with Viagra running through his veins...and apparently sugar, too, since he seemed pretty hyper...randomly grabbed Siren and ran off with her. I can't believe I just typed all that.

Sphere and TK looked at each other, and then at La Parka.

"Parka?", Sphere asked.


Sphere and TK let out various "oohs" and "ahhs", as Siren walked over to the right, allowing Claire to step forward. Mr. T was ready to describe her outfit, but Sphere cut him off.

BORT: I just find it hilarious that Sphere and TK needed La Parka to tell them what Siren was wearing, as if they couldn't tell by just looking at her.

"Now...now wait a second. Claire...I look at Siren, and I see a hot woman who I'd like to have sex with over and over again wearing an outfit that makes me want to have sex with her over and over again after I'm done having sex with her over and over again. I look at you, and I see a hot woman who I'd like to have sex with over and over again, but you're wearing...well...regular clothes. Is there a reason why you've opted to go for just the t-shirt and jeans look?"

"It's what I like to wear.", Claire told him.

"Yes, but...why do you like to wear it? Are you speaking out for women's rights?"

"No. This is what *I* wear. I don't care what other women wear."

"So...you're saying you don't mind what Siren is wearing right now?"

"Nope. Don't mind at all."


Claire rolled her eyes, knowing full well what Sphere was trying to get at, and walked over to her right, standing next to Siren. Two people entered Sphere's office next, fighting over who gets to go in first.

"You're bigger than me, little guys first! :("

"ey evhe ay loewr matlboeiesm r8, ey culdo pess otu @ anee sexond... ey shudle gu en 1ts!!11"

RENNER: Yes, Ken War admits he had low metabolism. Even though he, you know... DIES A LOT. Maybe that's his way of explaining why he dies a lot.

Yes, it was Janitor Nine and Ken War. Nine was dressed up in leather and chains, while Ken War was in a La Parka costume. "How do we know it's Ken War?", you ask? Just look at that last line. Go, look at it. See? Yeah. Now what, huh? NOW WHAT?

BORT: Yes, two of the choices that T and Parka came up with as far as outfits go were the outfits that T and Parka normally wear.

"So, uh, yeah...I, um, pity the food. :-["


RENNER: Ken War assumes that La Parka actually SAYS "Shimmy" when he Shimmies, which is not the case.

La Parka threw up his arms in bewilderment.


"w8, wat r u seyin??/", Ken War asked him.

"You're supposed to actually...shimmy.", Mr. T told Ken War.

"wat r U seyin??/"

"I don't know what *they're* saying, but I'm over here complaining about how tight these leather pants are! They leave absolutely NOTHING to the imagination! And Jesus Christ, there's CHICKS in here! :(", Nine complained.

"Okay, okay, that'll be enough. This is gonna be a tough one. I have to pick two of the four outfits I'm looking at right now?", Sphere asked.


"How about...", Sphere started to say, before Razor Ramon interrupted, walking into the office with a bath robe on.

"Hey mang...Da Bad Guy is here to...show you somethin' new."

La Parka and Mr. T look back and forth between each other and their clipboards, flipping through the papers, checking to make sure whether or not Razor was signed on to be one of their models.

BORT: A great visual, if you ask me.

"A bath robe?", TK asks. "I'd definately say "no" to that...OH MY GOD!"

"AHHH! AHHH! GEEZ!", Sphere yells out, as Razor has thrown off his bathrobe, revealing only a small orange speedo. La Parka and Mr. T attempt to cover Razor up, while Claire and Siren decide to just leave the office.

"Just...just get him out of here! And just use those two outfits!", Sphere said, pointing at Nine and Ken War while shielding his eyes from Razor.

"btu ey donut wnatna gev thes beck!11", Ken War said to Nine.

"Well, I'm giving mine back before one of my testicles magically disappears. Is this the biggest size of pants available in leather? >:o"

La Parka and Mr. T have finally managed to get Razor out of the office, with Nine and Ken War right behind them, still arguing. Sphere turned to TK.

"C'mon, Scott. I know you were looking. Is he worthy of being....best man?"


"Mmm-hmph. I'll be sure to remember this little conversation."

TK sulked in his chair as SACJ went elsewhere...

Mike Heftel vs. Hans Krueger? This high on the card? You betcha.

Thankfully, this match is joined in progress, since the core demographic would rather see Razor Ramon in a speedo than watch a match between two glorified jobbers. Yup. Cuban males in tiny swimsuits = RATINGS.

Heftel blows a clothesline, Krueger blows a back elbow, they both blow a bodyslam attempt...simultaneously. Heftel climbs up top and goes for a missle dropkick...but gets one foot caught on the top rope and lands on his right shoulder. Krueger, thinking quickly, goes for a legdrop, but lands on his own foot. Having had enough, the ref calls for the bell, claiming that both men hit him after Krueger botched the legdrop. Sensing that it's the right time to run in and do some damage, Renegade runs down, gets into the ring, and lifts Heftel for a powerslam. He forgets that you have to somewhat flip the guy onto his back when executing this particular move, so Heftel lands right on his head. No biggie for Heftel, he's had worse. I mean, this is the same guy who had to sell for Fear.

BORT: Fear was handled by the same guy who handled Mike Bear, so you can only imagine how horrible he was.

Renegade has no idea what the hell he just did, so Jackhammer calmly steps into the ring, Stump in hand, and wails Renegade in the back of the head.

"You know, it DOES feel good when you do that.", Jackhammer says aloud. He turns around in order to leave the ring, and spots a bottle of Surge sitting in one of the corners. "You know, I am a bit thirsty.", he once again says to himself aloud. He tosses Stump to a dizzy Heftel and grabs the bottle of soda, twisting the cap off, pausing to tell Heftel that he did NOT win tickets to the 1998 World Series, and proceeds to take a sip of the soft drink. He seems to enjoy it, and the STUMP Squad leave the ring, leaving many wonder why this match looked like an advertisement for a soda that was discontinued about four years ago.

I think the "1998 World Series" line was Comey's idea. Not sure if it was this match in particular or he had once told me to include it in a match somewhere down the line, but I'm fairly certain it was his suggestion.

SACJ went to the locker room of Evil Smokey The Bear and his manager, Ted E. Ruxpin, where they were, well, getting high. Now, the *odd* part is that fWo superstars Pretty Fly were also in the locker room. No, *I'm* not high...they're actually there.

BORT: I can't remember why I threw Pretty Fly into this segment. Nowhere is it mentioned that they'll be in Mall Brawl at SummerHiptoss, which is the only reason I can think of for logically putting them in this segment. Of course, it involves them getting high with two other characters, but that's just the "comedy" aspect of it.

"Dude...we're finally at Meltdown!", 'Narly' Nate said to Steve-O.

"Yeah, totally! We're at Meltdown and we're tokin' up with the World Champ, man!", Steve-O said, pointing at Evil Smokey.

I'm pretty sure Meltdown (fWo pay-per-view) was the next day.

"Dude! Even better! I'm sittin' right next to Eli FRICKIN' Flair, man!", Nate said, as he slapped Ted E. on the back.

"Watch it now, cracka!", Ted E. told Nate, holding up a fist. "Aw, hell, who am ah kiddin' white boy, I can't even SEE ma own hand right now!"

All four, um, "men" laughed, and surely the sound of Evil Smokey laughing is enough to cause anyone walking by to crap their pants.

Okay, maybe not, as Mongo and Kevin Greene, the nWo Elite, entered the locker room, Mongo holding Greene on a leash. Yes, the Undisputed Wominternopean North Dakotan Janitorjobberweight Champion has to be held by a leash, for you newbies out there.

I can't remember why I'd constantly "shout out" to "newbies" whenever Mongo and Greene showed up.

"Hey, bay-bas! You cats seen that no-good doo-hicker Waru around?", Mongo asked.

The four continued to gaze up at the ceiling and say "whoa" alot.

"Alright, now, this Horseman ain't got no time to be dealing with all you ham-n-eggers. Let's go, Kev-boy."

Mongo tried to leave the locker room with Greene, but his nWo Elite partner had gotten ahold of something.

"Hey, boy! Put that wacky weed down! That ain't no good for the champ, bay-ba, oh no!"

Mongo repeatedly slapped Greene in the back of the head, until he finally spit out the bag of weed he had grabbed with his teeth. Greene let out a whimper, and the two left the room.

"Brothas...you need to check this out...", Evil Smokey said, before he lit up...Waru? Yes, he was using Waru as a BONG.

"Okay, I don't know what that smell is, but I'm feeling dizzy and hungry. Someone get me one of those pills that cure dizziness and about sixteen sandwiches. And whoever's sticking that thing, well...wherever...um...watch it."

The entire segment was just building up to the reveal that they were using Waru as a bong. It might sound funnier than it actually is.

SACJ went to the catering area, where Evil-Lyn was getting some coffee. It is unknown as to when the fWEo was able to afford catering, but there's probably a hint on some show from a few months ago. Yeah, probably. Anyway, Senor Funpants walks up to the table, right next to Evil-Lyn while she puts some Sweet-N-Low into her coffee.

BORT: There's no hint whatsoever.

"Hey there...can I get some...sugar?", Funpants asks Evil-Lyn.

"It's right in front of you."

"Actually...I believe it's right next to me."

Evil-Lyn is obviously not that impressed with Funpants' pickup line.

"You know I'm engaged, right?"

"Hey, as long as you're not pregnant, Funpants is yours to wear."

Evil-Lyn rolls her eyes, still not falling for anything.

Considering his name is "Senor Funpants"...I actually think that's a pretty good line.

"Um...you're not pregnant, are you?", Funpants asks, just to make sure.

"Well, YOU'LL never know."

"Alright, what the HELL happened to you? You used to be some big psycho-slut and MUCH hotter. Now you're some girly-girl who's all...normal."

By now, Barry Bladberth, Evil-Lyn's fiancee', has walked up behind Funpants.

"There a problem here, ol' chap?"

A surprised Funpants turns around to face Bladberth.

"Oh, it's just you. I thought it was someone who could, you know, kick my ass. Although, come to think of it...NOBODY can kick my ass. And that's what you are...a nobody."

"Alroyt then, you think I'm some nobody, ay? How's about we duke it out on the next show, then? You got the grapefruits now, do you?"

"You? Damn, that'd be an easy match. Sure, I'll see you next show. In the meantime, here.", Funpants says to Bladberth, throwing him a pickle. "Eat a pickle."

Funpants walks away, obviously channeling Primetime, since he, too, thought that Bladberth was nicknamed "Mr. Pickles" because he liked to EAT them. Hoo-boy, dead wrong on that one. Bladberth looks at the pickle, then Evil-Lyn.

Back at the pickle, then Evil-Lyn again.


Bladberth tosses the pickle aside, right before Evil-Lyn jumps onto him. The couple crashes onto the table, and thankfully, it's time for the main event, which will spare everyone from seeing...well, whatever they're doing.

"What A Man" brings out Lawrence Taylor, one-half of the Sphere Tag Team Champions. Due to a stipulation made by Sphere earlier in the show, LT was without his tag team partner Reginald VelJohnson, as everyone in the locker room was banned from ringside during this bout. However, that didn't seem to include Sean Mooney and Larry Zbyszko, who will be calling this match from ringside. It should also be noted that Mooney & Zbyszko will be facing New York Matters for the Sphere Tag Team Titles at SummerHiptoss. Yes, that's right...Mrs. Mooney's baby boy is getting a title shot on pay-per-view.

"Slave To The Grind" replaced LT's music, and out ran the Sphere Heavyweight Champion, Black Quicksilver. Mooney points out that while BQ is defending the Sphere Heavyweight Title now, he has to defend the Tag Titles of "another promotion" tomorrow night, as well as compete in a battle royal on the same card. Upon hearing this, viewers (?) everywhere go "Tomorrow?"

BORT: Ah, yup. Meltdown was the next day. Of course, the "Tomorrow?" line meant that this show was late. And I had totally forgotten about this match's running gag...

BQ slides into the ring, and after a little while of getting pumped up for the match, he hands his title to the referee. BQ and LT shake hands, and then exit the ring ASAP, before the bell can even ring to start the match. They hop in BQ's rental car and take a trip to the DMV, where LT once again fails to get his driver's license. Next, it was off to the ASPCA, where they ran into a few members of the NRA and whooped ass OG style. They ran into a CPA, who told them he was having trouble with his DSL, so BQ gave him a DTH and LT put him in an STF. They got back in the rental car, but it broke down after BQ gave it some gas, getting it up to 130 MPH, so they took it to AAA. The greaseballs there tried to rip them off, so BQ gave one of them a CZC, while LT called the FBI to inform them of this travesty. The two fWEo "superstars" hopped back into the car, and a few miles later, LT decided to get an MRI. After that, it was off to a BBQ to salute the USA, and then a movie theatre to catch T3. When the movie was over, LT reminisced about his time spent in the NFL, and referred to Joe Theisman as an SOB. This prompted BQ to recall the early days of the fWo, where he faced the likes of UV and TFF. LT told BQ that he was unaware that he had been in the fWo since the beginning, and BQ laughed at him, saying he must be a regular on eWP. LT made his comeback, insulting BQ for being in TCW. BQ told LT that he was never in TCW, so LT quickly wrote an SOS, signalling that his career as a comedian was DOA. Next, they went to some party, but BQ had forgotten to RSVP. OTOH, LT said he sent them a letter that was SWAK, but forgot that the party was BYOB. FYI, he told them, he *did* bring his own business, and offered up BQ, who LOL and said G2G, before running away. LT was right behind him, and they were back in the car, discussing LT's success in matches with BBB. IMHO, BQ told him, Bigelow threw those matches. LT called BQ a "cracka" and told him to go watch the WB, right as they pulled into the parking lot of the bingo hall. They ran back to the ring, where the match FINALLY got underway.

I have no idea why there were members of the NRA at the ASPCA.

Both BQ and LT come off as assholes for beating up a CPA who's having internet trouble.

BQ gunning the rental car up to 130 MPH *may* be a reference to the scene in "Dogma" where Jay apparently doesn't know what a "gear" is.

They also apparently went to a 4th of July party that was being held 22 days late.

Okay, so it wasn't much of a match, as BQ kept throwing LT to the arena floor, where the former Number 56 was "assaulted" repeatedly by Mooney and Zbyszko. Mooney gently slapped LT in the head twice, before running back to the broadcast table, then Zbyszko put LT in one of his famous pretzel holds. Zbyszko released the hold, and almost immediately, LT hopped back up and got into the ring. Zbyszko was furious that LT wasn't selling the effects of the pretzel hold, and hopped up on the apron to yell at him. Mooney grabbed Zbyszko's leg and tried to pull him off the apron, but after a minute of struggling, he realized he was only holding Zbyskzo's shoe. LT had BQ reeling, and he went to bounce off the ropes, nailing Zbyszko and sending him flying back onto the broadcast table. For those wondering, yes, it DID look hilarious watching Zbyszko fly through the air and then land on the table, flailing his arms and legs wildly. Meanwhile, LT went for the rolling elbow...or forearm...or whatever...after bouncing off the ropes, but BQ ducked, and it appeared that LT threw his arm out. BQ grabbed LT's arm, put it through an arm wringer, and planted him with a Jobber Dropper, before heading up top and nailing the Silver Splash to retain the title. Of course, this HAS to make Sphere furious, but I guess you'll just have to wait two weeks to find out what happens. Okay, less than that. Whatever.
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