This edition of Saturday Afternoon's Curtain Jerker opened with a view of...the sky.
Yes, that's right. The sky. The camera spun around as Sean Mooney and Larry Zbyszko welcomed us to the "Sphere Arena", and this edition of SACJ is going to start off with a match.
It's customary to name the "arena" where the show was happening after the name of the house's owner, the field where the show took place, or the street where the field was located.
Oh, and I should note that this is the first show where *no* matches were announced on the show beforehand. This is because that's how backyard shows work when they go by a weekly schedule. The only stuff that gets bothered to be announced beforehand is the pay-per-view matches. Now, speaking of today, I still know alot of people who backyard, and they've mostly gone the "indy" route of having just one show every 3-4 weeks with a bunch of "big" matches on every show.
"Jive Soul Bro" brought out Evil Smokey The Bear, along with his manager Ted E. Ruxpin. And when I say "brought out", I mean "they walked out the backdoor of the house and into the backyard". They approached the ring, which was actually just a trampoline, and Evil Smokey climbed up on it as his music was replaced by "Boys of Summer", as performed by the Ataris. Jackhammer, a member of that lovable group of losers (and one really hot chick) known as the STUMP Squad, entered the "arena" to numerous cheers. A quick pan of the crowd revealed that the only people in attendance were the other wrestlers. Some attempted to hide their faces, while others scurried away. Janitor Nine and Ken War, who are currently feuding, were standing right next to each other, still cheering for Jackhammer.
As you can see, they at least have a trampoline to wrestle on. Of course...when you see who's on the roster you can probably figure out that matches held on a trampoline would be an absolute disaster. Also, the other wrestlers made up most, if not all, of the "crowd", so when the camera had to focus on the audience for some reason, some people wouldn't want to be seen as a "fan". Others didn't care and just stood there, even if it was next to someone who they were feuding with on-camera.
Jackhammer climbed up onto the trampoline, and the match was on. Cow couldn't make it today, so someone off camera just hit the fence with a stick to represent the ringing of a bell. Jackhammer ducked a clothesline, kicked Evil Smokey in the gut, and picked him up for a bodyslam. Jackhammer slams Evil Smokey down onto the trampoline, and just like that, the whole friggin' thing breaks.
See? DISASTER. Although I must admit, I never wrestled on a trampoline. I did wrestle in a ring a number of times, though. Hey, that makes me pro! Whoo-hoo!
The referee doesn't know what to do, so "Fever For The Flava" hits six minutes early, and out runs the Underweartaker. It's obvious that this run-in occurred earlier when it was supposed to, because a voice from behind the camera can be heard yelling something to the effect of "Brian! Get out here now!", right before the music started to play. Anyway, Underweartaker proceeds to do The Robot as the "fans" boo the outcome of the match. Sister Payne runs in and jumps on Underweartaker's back, biting at his ear in an attempt to get him to stop dancing. Ted E. seizes the opportunity by hopping up and grabbing ahold of Sister Payne's shirt. One swipe, and it was off, exposing her bra. She quickly jumped off Underweartaker's back, and everyone started to chant "SHOW YOUR TITS! SHOW YOUR TITS!" Upon hearing this, Underweartaker ripped his shirt off and continued to dance. Various protests of disgust were heard, as Mooney told us there would be more Saturday Afternoon's Curtain Jerker when they returned.
This wasn't really swiped from any backyard show I attended. Just an attempt to show how bad things can go wrong *and* how demeaning guys can be towards women when they're just a bunch of friends getting together and pretending to be wrestlers.
SACJ returned, and for some unknown reason, six men were in the "ring". The trampoline was gone, and apparently the grass was now the ring. The six men who stood there were Bill White, Bob Smith, Dan Williams, Joe Brown, Mike Clark, and Pinky The Squirrel, the new backstage interviewer. None of these men knew what was going on, and then "Hair of the Dog" hit.
Sphere ran out (from behind camera) and blasted Brown with a chair to the head. Brown didn't put his hands up, so it was his own fault that he had a huge gash on his forehead. Clark was the next one to get hit in the head with the chair, but only after squatting down and nervously putting his hands up, causing Sphere to kick him in the gut, just so he could hold his stomach, and it was THEN that Sphere bashed him over the head. The chair was now dented, so Sphere searched for another weapon. As he tried to think of what to get, he kicked Pinky in the face and punched Williams numerous times, rendering him unconscious. Sphere found a tree branch that had fallen off...well, a tree...and it was REALLY thick, so he decided it'd make for a good weapon. He knocked out White and Smith with the heavy tree branch, before throwing it down and making the "turn the music off" motion with his hand.
Doing a run-in from behind the camera was the backyard equivalent to coming out of the crowd. Believe it or not, some untrained "wrestlers" don't know how to take a chairshot, hence the nasty cut that Joe Brown received right there. Others, like Mike Clark, would be way off on the timing.
Sphere at least plays it safe in a non-kayfabe sense by grabbing another weapon once the chair gets dented beyond repair.
Most of the time, the person handling the music would literally have to be told, either verbally or via hand signal, to turn the music off.
Oh, and Sphere runs in here and kicks everyone's ass because, well...he's the owner.
"I'm out here for one reason!", he shouted, while making exaggerated facial expressions. "Adam Nowell...you think you're better than everyone here? You were given an opportunity, and you got this push, and then you decide not to show up? I'll tell you what...I'm not gonna fire you, because you're already signed on for Mall Brawl IV...speaking of which, I'm entering Kamikazie Ken into that match, since I know how much you LOVE the guys over in BOB...but no, I'm not gonna fire you. I AM, however, firing your friends. That's right...Gwen O'Reily and John Rocker are OUT OF HERE." Someone off-camera can be heard saying "Dude, no way, she's frickin' hot!", as Sphere continued to stomp around the mess of bodies. He even stomped *on* some of them. "That brings me to another order of business...Black Quicksilver...Bam Bam Bigelow...you two might have me and Senor Funpants at SummerHiptoss...but today, you're in MY house, and we're gonna play by MY rules! Play my music, I'm getting the hell out of here." Sphere waited for his music to play before he left, but whoever was working the stereo couldn't get the CD to work. Sphere stalled by continuing with the exaggerated facial expressions, but finally gave up and went behind the camera, fiddled with the stereo until "Hair of the Dog" started to play, and walked back on camera, where he threw up his middle finger and left.
You know how sometimes you see like, a game show where they're told to talk like a wrestler and they're REALLY bad at it? That's kind of like what most backyard promos are like.
Sphere firing O'Reily and Rocker, despite the fact that they only appeared on one fWEo show (and weren't even present at the bingo hall it was being held in), is taken from the owner of a fed I was in, as he once fired two guys on-camera who had stopped showing up about two or three months previous.
Yes, sometimes you just can't get that damn CD player to work right and the person on-camera just has to take matters into their own hands.
SACJ returned with "Highway To Hell" already playing, and Ken War made his entrance. Half the crowd cheered for him, while the other half booed, as they had no idea if they were supposed to like him or hate him. Once he got to the "ring", he...well, he didn't grab a mic, since they didn't have one. He just started talking.
As you'll see, I kept Ken War's dialogue simple, since I'm not used to writing it. And the thing I *always* hated about doing promos is that you didn't even have some sort of substitue for a microphone, so you'd stand there and in order to not look robotic you HAD to have both your hands going at all times.
Since his affiliation was now clear, everyone reacted in kind.
They started to cheer him.
Ken War cuts a heel promo, but gets cheered. You'd always have some people who would come to watch but knew nothing about wrestling. They were really just there because their friend invited them, so they'd just cheer everything that person did no matter what. And of course, most of the time that person would demand to win their match so as not to look bad in front of their friends.
Yes, no one ever accused them of being geniuses.
"Highway To Hell" was replaced by "Courtesy Of The Red, White, & Blue" (after a changing of CDs, of course), and out walked the WCW Television Champion, "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan. This match was scheduled to be a Flaming Barbed-Wire Light Tube Match, but someone forgot to bring all the necessary weapons, so Duggan made sure to whisper to Ken War that he'd just beat him senseless with the 2x4.
One thing I regret about not doing on these shows is replacing all the title belts with the foam toy belts you'd buy from a toy store.
I skipped the obvious "backyard idiots beat each other up with barbed wire and light tubes instead of actually wrestling" joke and instead just have someone plain forget to bring the weapons, which also happens alot.
"wut????////", Ken War asked, apparently not hearing Duggan.
Ken War no-sold the 2x4 shot, so Duggan hit him even harder.
Ken War no-sold the shot again.
Duggan continued to beat him with the 2x4, but Ken War just REFUSED to sell. Of course, one *could* place the blame on Duggan here, since you're not REALLY supposed to be hitting someone that hard with a 2x4. About sixteen shots later, and Ken War decided it was time for his comeback. He fired off several right hands and then started working on Duggan's right leg for no reason at all. As Duggan was lying on his back, Ken War bent over and told him to "stai doun", before climbing up a ladder that was resting against the house. "Ah reckon that there ladder's for ma match lata on, then!", an off-camera voice proclaimed.
Some backyard wrestlers either have NO idea how to sell or just think it's "funny" when they don't sell.
Ken War using the ladder when it's supposed to be saved for another match is an example of someone deciding to steal someone else's heat. One particular occurance that I witnessed was when two guys brought a baseball bat wrapped in barbed wire to a show where they'd be facing me and another guy in a tag match. One of the guys said both me and my tag partner were taking shots with it. I said "no". He told me it wouldn't hurt and proceeded to tap me in the side of the head with it, drawing blood. I was PISSED. Another guy not involved in our match called me a "pussy". I told him he didn't know how to wrestle and to kiss my ass, then I told the owner I was quitting if this is what I had to do. Thankfully, I went the whole match and post-match not having to be involved in a spot involving the goddamn bat. Then, in the very next match, the guy who I told to kiss my ass was basically squashing another guy, and decided he was gonna go grab the bat and incorporate it into his match. Yeah, because not letting the guy get any offense, especially when he's bigger than you, is grounds to go get a weapon to use on him in hopes that it'll get you the win. I've got another story about this guy later.
Ken War steadied himself on the ladder, looked back at Duggan, turned back around, and leapt off with a moonsault.
Since everyone could see it coming a mile away, it's no surprise that he didn't get full rotation on the moonsault and landed right on his head, snapping his neck and killing himself instantly. Duggan wasn't sure what to do, and after careful thinking, he covered Ken War, as Janitor Nine and a bottle of Cherry 7-UP can be seen in the background, waiting for their cues to run in. The referee made the three-count, allowing Duggan to retain the title, and right when the camera was about to cut off, Sphere ran in with Duggan's 2x4 and hit the TV Champion right over the head, bending the 2x4 in half, exposing it as nothing but a huge chunk of rubber. Sphere still had other people to hit with the 2x4, but since everyone now knows it isn't a *real* 2x4, he figured he'd just hit everyone just a bit harder.
Ken War not getting full rotation on the moonsault is really just a commentary on how kids who aren't trained shouldn't be doing moonsaults off of high places. I never actually saw someone do that and legit kill theirself.
Nine and the bottle of Cherry 7-UP being seen in the background is something else that never actually happened. It's just an over-the-top thing that I felt would work on this show.
And Duggan's back to using the rubber 2x4.
Janitor Nine finally did his run-in, after Sphere waved him in (which the camera caught), and took a STIFF 2x4 shot right to the stomach. He was carrying the bottle of Cherry 7-UP, which went flying into the crowd of wrestlers when he got hit. The bottle was caught by Lawrence Taylor, who snuck into camera view and started drinking the Cherry 7-UP, and then quickly ran off-camera, all while Sphere beat the corpse of Ken War with the 2x4. Sphere went to walk off-camera, but someone was whispering something to him about the fact that Ken War was, you know...dead. "Just get rid of him!", Sphere could be heard saying as he walked off-camera, right before the camera was abruptly cut off.
Unfortunately, there WERE times where the camera would catch someone very visibly calling a spot simliar to the one where Sphere waved Nine in for the run-in.
LT intentionally letting the camera catch him drinking the Cherry 7-UP was actually a spot patterened after something I did. My one fed's last "big" show was a week before this show (which means this was one of the last things written). I had just gotten done my match, which included someone off-camera throwing me a bottle of Pepsi, since I was wearing a Pepsi t-shirt (I had just recently discovered the greatness that is CM Punk a few months before). The very next match was a comedy match that I was also involved in. One of the spots had, for some reason or another, one of the other guys pouring the remaining Pepsi on the third guy involved. But before he could do so, I ran up to him, snatched the bottle away, lifted up my mask so my face was in clear view, and killed the bottle. I put the mask back down and gave the other guy the "thumbs up". For the first time EVER, I could tell he was desperately trying not to crack up under his mask.
Gershwin Kosher was walking through the hallway. Hallway, as in, the side of Sphere's house. Suddenly, Bob "The Jail House Rocker" McGee showed up, and decided to give him a kick directly in the nuts.
The "backstage hallway" was always some fenced off area.
"YOU BASTARD! MY NUTTZIEZZ!!", Kosher screamed.
"Yeyee, one more time for the west SIYEED!", McGee proclaimed.
And now McGee can all of a sudden *talk* like New Jack, too.
McGee kicked Kosher in the nuts again. Gershwin cried like a baby. Like a sad, hurt, homosexual baby. A table was already set up on the outside, and McGee THREW the wimpy, puny, and daringly ugly Kosher on top of the house. McGee climbed up himself, and then attempted to powerbomb him through the table.
This is the only segment on the show I didn't have a hand in writing, as both these guys are Alex's characters. Having said that, I don't know why I let him get away with having McGee just THROW Kosher up on the roof when, all things considered, I was aiming for a "realistic" show here. I say "all things considered" because, well...Evil Smokey and Ted E. Ruxpin were featured in the first match.
The table didn't break.
"You fuckin' cracka!!"
"Call me Rits Bits."
Just for that snide remark, Kosher was thrown on top of the house again. Once again, the powerbomb was attempted, and once again the table did not break.
"You sumbitch!", an angry McGee shouted at Kosher.
"Sir, you can call me what you want, so long as you do the same tonight."
Just for that remark, he was thrown on top of the house again. For the third time, the powerbomb was attempted and for the third time, the table did not break.
"Oh, I love it when you talk dirty."
Just for that, he was thrown on top of the house again. Finally, the powerbomb was attempted, and the table actually CRACKED!
"GOOD GOD! GERSHWIN WAS JUST POWERBOMBED THROUGH THE TABLE! OH MY! OH MY! OH MY!", Pinky The Squirrel screamed at the top of his lungs as he jumped into camera view.
For some more of the "low-rent" backyard feds, if you can imagine that there is such a thing, the owner has a little less control while the camera's running, so you have your fair share of people jumping onto camera and doing stupid things while a match is going on.
"Get the HELL off camera!", Mooney yelled at him.
"Rits Bits…", Kosher mumbled, as Pinky ran away.
SACJ continued, as "Hotel California"...that would be the Gypsy Kings cover...brought out Waru & La Parka for this tag team ladder match. "What's up for grabs?", you ask? Absolutely nothing!
Again, this isn't really a parody of backyard wrestling, it's just me writing another match that involves a ladder that's there solely to act as a base for the particpants to do stupid things with.
"Cotton-Eyed Joe" began to play, bringing out the team of James Cagle & Mr. T. That's the first time we've ever heard that sentence, and hopefully it will be the last.
Cagle grabbed the ladder right away, set it up in the middle of the ring, and began to climb it. T acted like La Parka dropkicked him in the back, stumbling over toward the ladder and knocking Cagle off. La Parka didn't know what the hell was going on, since he was just shimmying, as he normally does. Waru didn't know what the hell was going on because he can't see a "goddamn" thing.
"Why in tarnation...?", Cagle asked T.
"Sir, you're going to have to speak in proper English.", was T's response.
For what I believe is the fourth show in a row...Mr. T has trouble understanding what someone else is saying.
"Boy, you speakin' English?"
"You've almost got a handle on it. Now all you need to work on is grammar."
"Looky here. Ah don't like graham crackers...doctor told me to watch mah cholestoral, or how ever it's spelled."
"Well, you see, it's spelled C-H-O..."
Alex actually didn't know how "cholesterol" was spelled.
T didn't have time to finish, as La Parka threw the ladder at both him and Cagle. They both laid beneath the ladder now, and La Parka decided to flop onto the ladder and pretend he was swimming.
"Get this two-timing wally whacker off me!", Cagle screamed.
"Sir, I'm afraid I don't know what a "wally whacker" is.", T told him.
Cagle ignored T and tried to push the ladder off, until he heard a familiar voice.
"Oy, I'm hee-ah in dis ladda match, then?"
"Davy! Davy, it's you!", Cagle called out in excitement, thinking his tag team partner in that....other federation had shown up in Sphere's backyard. He turned his head in the direction of the voice while La Parka was doing a backstroke on the ladder, and was disappointed when all he found was Waru.
Alex thought it'd be funny to have Waru do a Davy Dingleberry (Cagle's tag partner in fWo) impression. I figured "Eh, what the hell.".
"Hey! You're not ma red-headed stepchild of a tag team pardner!"
"Croikey! Ah got no clue who's a speakin' ta me, but they can kiss me ass!", Waru said as he pointed at Sphere's kitchen window. Cagle couldn't really piece it together, but it's most likely that someone offered Waru alot of money (like, four bucks) to act like Davy Dingleberry during the match. Cagle, furious that someone would have the balls to trick him into thinking his best friend (and ONLY friend) was present at the event, summoned the strength to push the ladder, with La Parka sleeping on top of it, off of him and T. Instead of setting up the ladder in a quest to retrieve...well, nothing, he walked over to Waru and tapped him on the shoulder. Waru turned around to face the fence, so Cagle tapped him on the shoulder again. Waru quickly turned around, accidentally hitting Cagle with a backhanded slap to the face.
"Croikey! Oy just hit me tag paht-na in the jimmy with me digits!", Waru proclaimed.
Seriously, read that aloud with an Austrailian accent.
Cagle angrily points at Waru while the "fans" say, in unison with him..."YOU!"
Obviously a parody of Hulk Hogan pointing at his opponent once he'd be done hulking up. It was around this time that crowds everywhere would shout "YOU!" when this happened, whether it be Hogan doing it (he was still in WWE at this point), some indy wrestler doing it, or a backyarder doing it.
La Parka, who woke up once he went flying off the ladder, shimmied over to Cagle and shoved him.
"You wanna ruin my them there golden chance to shine in that there spotlight?", Cagle asked La Parka.
"That's it, Ah'm kickin' yer ass!"
No idea how Cagle knows how to moonwalk.
Cagle's moonwalk sent La Parka reeling, as the Luchadore stumbled back and tripped over T, who still hadn't gotten up. See, T's a master of psychology, and he's staying down because he's selling the fact that a ladder *and* a 200-plus pound Mexican were on top of him for almost five minutes. Since one of his opponents couldn't see, and his other opponent was down, not to mention that his tag partner was of no assistance at the moment, Cagle decided it was time to set the ladder up. Shockingly, this was the second time he had set the ladder up, proving that the first time was no fluke. He started to climb, reaching out for nothing.
Yup, Mr. T is selling...something that's almost unheard of in backyard wrestling.
"What the hell...", Cagle said, as he just stood there on the third rung.
After a while, he repeated himself.
"Ah said....WHAT THE HELL!", he screamed.
La Parka JUST remembered that he was supposed to knock Cagle off the ladder, so he got up and started to climb the other side, throwing some half-assed punches at Cagle, probably making sure he wouldn't stiff him and cause him to fall off the ladder wrong. That La Parka, what a stand-up guy. Cagle starts to teeter, holding onto the ladder with just one hand, but then T hops up, runs over to La Parka, and....well, it LOOKS like he tried to jump and take La Parka off the ladder with a neckbreaker, but T only got about two inches off the ground...and that's being generous. La Parka had already let go of the ladder in preparation for the neckbreaker, so he had no choice but to fall, and he ended up falling right on T's head. Cagle figured "what the hell", and fell off the ladder, landing right on his shoulder.
This left Waru as the only man still standing, and everyone started to cheer him on, so he obliged and started to climb the side of Sphere's house. The other three crawled around on the ground as Zbyszko told Mooney that he'd like to visit PHOENIX, Arizona. Mooney said he'd like to visist PHOENIX as well, and also noted that he'd get a souvenir and TAKE IT HOME.
I'm not sure how it started, but someone shouting "PHOENIX!" was my one fed's way of telling you to take the match home. The participants in the match rarely obeyed this order.
"Ah'm gonna take a shit.", Cagle whispered to La Parka, before he got up and went inside the house. There was some confusion among the crowd, so someone shouted "Just do it now!", and almost on cue, Mongo and Kevin Greene (the current Wominternopean North Dakotan Janitorjobberweight Champion) ran into the ring. Mongo stood there with his briefcase, waiting for La Parka to get up. Once La Parka got up, Mongo whacked him right in the face with the briefcase, before he remembered that he was supposed to hit *Waru* with the briefcase. He asks La Parka if he's okay, quite audibly at that, before he and Greene go over to Waru, who's still climbing Sphere's house. They think about how they're gonna get him down, right before Sphere runs in and leaps into the air, getting TREMENDOUS height, and connecting with a legdrop on T. Okay, so it was more like a "slammed his ass on T's face" move than a legdrop, but you get the picture. He picked the ladder up and threw it over his head, letting it land right on La Parka and T, before giving everyone the finger and walking off. Mongo and Greene had started throwing rocks at Waru, but kept missing him, and right after someone shouts "Cut it!", the camera cuts off.
Alex threw in the line about Cagle saying he had to go to the bathroom, and I figured I'd have him REALLY just walk out on the match and get his business done, mostly because I needed him to be somehow incapacitated for the run-in that was about to occur.
Sphere getting mad height on an attempted legdrop, only to come down ass-first on T's face is something that happened to me on the aforementioned "last BIG show" in my "home" fed. See, the guy who popped me in the side of the head with the barbed wire bat decided he just wasn't coming to that show at all, since he was supposed to lose to me (made up some story about going down to the shore that weekend on a semi-spur of the moment type deal, not counting on me finding out that the trip had been planned for over a month), so another guy who hadn't wrestled there in a while showed up and said he'd put me over. In the promo on our "pre-show", which set up the match, he was supposed to give me his trademark legdrop. But the combination of me having a huge head and the general fact that you can't change positions when you're in mid-air going for a legdrop resulted in him landing right on my head with his ass. In addition to my head being big, it seems that it's also pretty hard (THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID~!), so I was pretty much fine.
Sphere gives everyone the finger before leaving. According to some backyard heels, this is the ULTIMATE way to get crowd heat. Yeah...
"Don't Turn Around" played, as the camera came back on, bringing out Texas Kid and Eliza. TK wasn't sure if he was supposed to put his hands on Eliza or what, so he kind of just stood there next to her as the crowd of wrestlers chanted "SLUT!" over and over again. Finally, TK smartened up and covered Eliza's ears, telling the crowd to "shut up". When they wouldn't shut up, TK decided it was best that he didn't argue with them, as it was time to insult the 1-2-3 Kid, his opponent at SummerHiptoss. Seconds after his music stopped, he started to speak.
This segment was really just done to show how bad a heel promo can be in backyard wrestling. At times, it's okay for your character to come across nervous in a face promo, but if you're a heel, you're not supposed to care what the crowd does, because you hate every single person there. But naturally, some backyarders, even though they play a heel, still want to be cheered and want people to think they're "cool". Wow, hey, sounds alot like a later-day fWo promo. ZING~!
"You know, I come out here, and..."
Someone decided to screw with TK and un-pause the CD. "I won't miss your arms around me...", was heard before TK quickly turned toward the person and the song cut off again.
Yeah, some people would actually do this when someone else was trying to cut a "serious" promo.
"Alright...1-2-3 Kid...you know, you come out here with your hair and your blue...spandex...whatever...and you..."
"Holdin' me tight...holdin' me tight!"
TK once again looked at the person operating the stereo, and the music cut off.
"Anyway, you got your little earthworm...heh heh...in more ways than one, of course..."
A heel making fun of a face's penis size should NEVER happen in ANY kind of wrestling.
"And if you ever feared to love me...", music cuts off.
"Yeah, you bring that, and I'll bring my sewer armadilloes, which..."
"Just know that I'll be alright...I'll be alright!", music cuts off.
"You done? Yeah, better be. Asshole. Hey, you know what? 1-2-3 Kid, get your ass out here RIGHT NOW!"
"Right now! Right now!", Zbyszko shouts from behind the camera.
"Yeah, RIGHT NOW.", TK proclaims.
Zbyszko decides to be an ass and mocks TK, but tries to disguise it as just something he's say as a commentator. TK knows he's mocking him though and just plays along with it, showing he's a bit more professional than Zbyszko. Who'd have thunk it?
"Blinded", by 3rd Eye Blind, starts to play, and TK seems confused. A few seconds later, a voice can be heard shouting "Number THREE!", and the song cuts off, only to be replaced by American Hi-Fi's "Art of Losing", and the 1-2-3 Kid makes his entrance.
Ah, the old "music person played the wrong number" mishap. The reason I had that 3rd Eye Blind song play is because it was the track right before Kid's actual theme song on the mix CD I had made a few months before.
The music stops, and TK offers his hand.
"Look, how about we stop all this fighting, huh? I mean...we've been up and down the roads together, all that stuff. Come on, what do you say?"
Kid looks around while practically everyone shouts "No! Don't do it!", but he goes to shake TK's hand anyway. TK SWERVES US ALL by NOT punching Kid in the face or kicking him in the gut. Instead, he has Eliza blindside Kid with a slap to the face. Kid stumbles backward and TK starts throwing some punches that don't look real at all, but Kid sells them. After all, he's a member of the STUMP Squad.
The jeers turn to cheers when Nitro Girl Siren, for absolutely no reason at all, runs in and tackles Eliza. The two women roll back and forth, pretending to pull each other's hair as they do so. Mooney screams "CATFIIIIIIIGHT!" during this unconvincing display of female-female violence, before Barry Bladberth, Evil-Lyn, and Claire run in. Once Eliza sees them, she jumps off Siren and runs off-camera. Claire and Evil-Lyn check on their friend while Bladberth and Razor have cornered TK. TK casually begs off, before Bladberth punches him right in the jaw, causing him to turn around right into a punch from Razor. Both men take turns socking TK right in the face, until Razor finally decides to hoist him up and give him the WORST Razor's Edge ever, dropping him to the side in order to protect him. I mean, come on, it's wrestling in the backyard, we can't have people carelessly injuring others, right? Eliza drags TK out of the "ring", as everyone still in it makes "we're gonna get those guys" faces, and we're informed that SACJ will return...
It's now time for the main event, as evidenced by the sounds of Kool & The Gang's "Celebration", which serves as the entrance theme for Bam Bam Bigelow. Bigelow comes out and the crowd is basically dead by now, which can be chalked up to standing in Sphere's backyard for over four hours just to put together a two-hour show. Bigelow stands in the ring and waits for his tag team partner. It takes a while, but "Celebration" finally cuts off, and is replaced by "Slave To The Grind". Black Quicksilver, the current Sphere Heavyweight Champion, runs out and actually gets the crowd to start cheering. Naturally, the guy who gets the crowd fired up has his music cut off before the chorus even kicks in, and everyone waits for the Sphere Tag Team Champions.
Now, I'm not saying I was the best at getting the crowd fired up and stuff....but there was one time where I came out for my match...this was when we had a ring...and the kid who owned the ring was controlling the music. He cut off my song before I even got up on the apron, and when I looked in his direction, I could see someone else looking at him as if to say "What happened?", and I just heard him say "I don't like that song". I should also mention that he was the first person I gave the nickname "Little Bitch" to.
The door opens, and out walks James Cagle, who's apparently FINALLY finished his business in the bathroom. He realizes the camera's on and quickly scurries away.
"Basketball", a song by that musical genius known as Bow Wow, brings out Reginald VelJohnson and Lawrence Taylor, together known as New York Matters. They show off their Sphere Tag Title belts, and even though they're the heels, they get jumped from behind by BQ and Bigelow. BQ whips LT into the fence, as Bigelow does the same to VelJohnson, and the Sphere Tag Team Champions are met with superkicks when they return. Well, a SuperQuick-SilverKick, in LT's case. Yeah, that's right, BQ has his own name for his superkick. I bet you thought only mega-popular main-eventers did that.
Bigelow goes to his "corner", and it looks like BQ and VelJohnson will start since BQ has picked up VelJohnson and is firing away with multiple forearms. LT is crawling over to his corner, as BQ tries to hiptoss VelJohnson, but VelJohnson can't get high enough, and ends up doing a half-assed roll, right onto LT. The ref says it's not a tag, and BQ picks VelJohnson back up, who totally no-sells the previous beating by kicking BQ in the gut and planting him with a DDT. Now, when I say "planting him", I mean "putting a death grip on his head, lifting him almost vertically when he jumped up to take the front bump, causing him to be spiked RIGHT ON HIS FREAKIN' HEAD". BQ said something to VelJohnson, who made the cover, only getting a two-count. BQ forced VelJohnson to throw him back over to his corner, where he tagged in Bigelow. Bigelow started to stiff the hell out of VelJohnson, and decided just to drop VelJohnson when he couldn't get him all the way up for a bodyslam. Bigelow scaled a bunch of trashcans and leapt off, actually connecting with a diving headbutt for two. LT ran in only to get knocked right down with a punch from Bigelow. LT went back to his corner as VelJohnson hit Bigelow with a low blow from behind. VelJohnson pounded away at Bigelow, perhaps showing his lack of offensive maneuvers, and tagged in LT. LT started his "juke and jive" dance or whatever you wanna call it, and fired away several lefts and rights at Bigelow. Now, I didn't say any of the lefts or rights connected, all I said was LT threw them. Bigelow, the pro that he is, sold the blows anyway, before shrugging them off and kneeing LT in the gut. Bigelow dragged LT over to his corner and tagged in BQ, who didn't seem so sure that he still wanted to be involved in this match. Sure enough, right when BQ puts a side headlock on LT, the former Number 56 lifted him up for a back suplex, but didn't know the right way to do it, so he fell straight back, still holding BQ up in the air, causing BQ to fall straight back as well. BQ landed with his legs up over his head...his TOES WERE TOUCHING THE GROUND FOR CHRIST SAKES. No one could tell whether or not he landed on his head, since they weren't used to seeing the human body fold up like that. BQ played it safe and just stayed there, not kicking out when LT covered him. "What are you doing? That's not the finish!", someone yelled from off-camera. LT just shrugged, as Bigelow went over and checked on BQ.
Wow, okay, a few things here...
I put the word "corner" in quotes because, since it's not in a ring, there's no apron for the guys to stand on and wait for the tag. Instead, they have to stand a certain distance away from the action.
The "death grip" is the other story that I mentioned involving the kid who thought that just because I didn't use weapons in my match meant I had no idea how to wrestle. I guided him threw a whole series of spots that was supposed to end with him giving me a DDT, one of the easiest moves to learn how to do. Naturally, he didn't even know how to do that. Thanks for the concussion, ass.
LT lifting BQ up for a back suplex and instead giving him a backdrop driver happened in the same match where I got spiked with an accidental shoot DDT. It was a tag match, and the other guy lifted me for a back suplex. Now, I don't know if he just went all the way back or I had no idea where I was because of the DDT I took, but I literally landed with my feet over my head and my toes touching the snow-covered grass. I managed to stumble over and tag my partner in, but I have BQ play it safe and just stay down for the pin.
Enter Senor Funpants, who took out Bigelow from behind with the steel chair that Sphere had destroyed earlier. Funpants, VelJohnson, and LT took turns stomping away at BQ and Bigelow. VelJohnson was either a moron or didn't know what happened to BQ, since he stiffed him on a few of the stomps. Mooney and Zbyszko were screaming that BQ and Bigelow needed help, and "SummerSlam Jam" started to play, bringing out, well...Mooney and Zbyskzo, from behind the camera. They attacked VelJohnson and LT right away, and yes, you better believe it was hilarious watching Mooney try to throw a punch. For those who haven't been following, well, anything, New York Matters had challenged the best tag team in the world to a match at SummerHiptoss, and well, I guess Mooney and Zbyszko are the best tag team in the world. When the camera went back to BQ, Bigelow, and Funpants, only Bigelow could be seen, lying on the ground and still selling the chairshot. Funpants came back onto camera and continued stomping away at Bigelow.
Obviously Funpants had carried BQ off-camera since he was possibly dead.
Meanwhile, a trashcan came flying into view, hitting Mooney right in the head. Yup, it was Sphere. He kicked Mooney several times and then hit Zbyszko from behind with the trashcan. Zbyszko, not knowing that was gonna happen, no-sold it and hit Sphere with a stiff forearm right in the face, before he took him down and put him in one of those pretzel holds. VelJohnson and LT pulled him off, but Zbyszko rammed their heads together and threw the two of them into the other trashcans that Bigelow had jumped off of earlier. Sphere, sensing this run-in wasn't that successful, got up and ran away. Funpants, remembering that he was supposed to do whatever Sphere called, left as well. SACJ ended with the camera on Bigelow, who kept opening and closing his eyes to see if the camera was still on. Of course, no one remembered to take over on commentary when Mooney and Zbyszko did their run-in, so no one reminded everyone to watch the next SACJ, before the camera faded to black.
There was this one guy who couldn't come to many of the shows in my "home" fed. Sometimes he'd come by after he got out of work, and there was one instance where he showed up RIGHT when the show ended. It was then decided that we'd film a segment where he'd show up, get out of his car and walk into the "arena" to find no one there, except for me, leaving. The following was totally ad-libbed by the both of us. Keep in mind that my character was still a slightly funny, nervous rookie and he was a heel.
Him: HEY! *hits me in the shoulder* Where's everyone at?
Me: Uh...show's over.
Him: Well what are you still doing here?
Me: I just got done taking the ring down.
Him: *pause* All by yourself?
Me: *pause* Yeah.
Him: Are you serious?
Me: Dude...show's over. Everyone's gone. *shrugs and leaves*
Him: *looks around in disbelief*
This segment is basically supposed to mirror that, with the whole "let's shoot one more thing!" deal.
The camera came back on, focusing on Renegade and Hans Krueger, who were leaving the "arena". Krueger was carrying the bottle of Surge as the two walked over to Renegade's car. Renegade opened the trunk, and both men did a double-take, as they were just about to put their bags in the trunk.
Mike Heftel was either dead or sleeping in the trunk of Renegade's car. He was holding Stump, who *might* have been awake. No one knows.
Heftel slowly turns toward Renegade and Krueger while his eyes open.
Blatant "Critic" reference.
Renegade and Krueger looked at each other in confusion, as the camera faded to black for good this time.