WR4I (wer4idiots) wrote,

Saturday Afternoon's Curtain Jerker -- 05/10/03

Blah blah blah, we're in Sphere's office.

Sort of.

"Um, your attention, please? Quiet down, please.", Texas Kid told the other wrestlers in the room as he stood up on Sphere's desk. He didn't get bitchslapped for this, so it's safe to say that Sphere isn't in the general vicinity of the room. It should also be noted that no one in the room was talking when TK was telling them to "quiet down".

"Once again, Sphere has suffered a concussion, and because he was actually happy with my performance two weeks ago, he has once again left me in charge.", TK told the other wrestlers, which included Mr. T, La Parka, Renegade, and Hans Krueger, as well as Sphere's personal assistant, a bottle of Surge. "As another "thank you" of sorts, Sphere has granted me a shot at the Television Title tonight. This means it's up to me to carry Duggan to a match higher than "DUD". It will be difficult, but I think I just might have that quarter star in me. Another thing...Hans?"

BORT: Sphere's second concussion came during a match with fWo wrestler Jade on the 05/07/08 Warfare. TK clearly doesn't "get it", as he mentions that Sphere was happy with his performance as commissioner last show RIGHT after announcing that he's suffered another concussion.


"What the HELL is up with your voice?"

"I descended into pure jobber on the last show. Weren't you paying attention on our little monitor thingies?"

"What the...you can't SAY that!"

"How come?"


"What HE said!"

"But he didn't say anything!"

"Just....nevermind. You got Warrior today, alright?"

"Cool. Did you have a finish planned or do I have to talk to him about it?"



Mr. T put a hand on Krueger's shoulder. "Young lad, you have been spending too much time on the world wide web. Please, put down the mouse and pick up a book."

Krueger turned back to TK. "What did he just say?"

"You're asking ME?"


"Oh. Uh, wasn't sure there. Thought you might've been talking to Parka here."

"Nope, talking to you."

"Just making sure. Uh....I seriously have no idea what he said. Just...I don't know, get ready for your match. It isn't for another hour or so, but we need an excuse for you to leave, so....yeah, go."

Krueger gets up from his chair and leaves the room, as TK addresses Mr. T and La Parka.

"You two will escort me to the ring tonight, and when I give you the signal, you know what to do."


"The tire iron is in my pants."

"I don't care how many women you've slept with, just don't forget the lead pipe."

"I thought you told me to bring a tire iron."

"T, you better have brought that tire iron. I hate lead pipes."

BORT: I likely wrote that exchange just so Mr. T could be confused at what someone else says, which, now that I think about it, is a continuation of the last show where he tried to interview Ken War.

T, as well as quite a few other people (wonder who THEY are...), was REALLY confused by now, but TK ignored it and turned to Renegade, pointing at him while he did.



"Stay right there."

And with that, SACJ was underway.

BORT: This show is taking place in Virginia Beach, which is where I lived until I was six.

RENNER: I was originally going to use Nowell in a spinoff of the Sarah "the Jobber Slayer" sotryline, which would be a parody of the Angel series. It didn't last beyond this show, and in fact, this is one of the last few things I did for fWEo until SummerHiptoss. I ended up continuing this a bit in Action! before I ended the storyline with the horrible lynching of one of the characters in the storyline.

We, for some reason, get an overview of what we're assuming to be the Bingo Hall. It would've been a good skyline shot of Virginia Beach, but that would've, like, cost money. Anyway, we get a voice over as the cheap hand-held camera zooms in on the arena.

"Virginia Beach.

You see it at night and... well, okay, it doesn't especially SHINE, but... it's like a beacon. Idiots are drawn to it. Idiots and other things. Like morons. They come for all sorts of reasons.

My reason?

No surprise there, it started with a girl."

This is a parody of the opening monologue of Angel.

Scene cut to Adam Nowell, sitting in a bar somewhere in Virginia Beach, drinking as he sometimes did. It should be noted that Adam's alcohol intake had shot up a lot since he ended up in the fWEo. Nowell was apparently telling his tale of woe to someone.

"Now, see... she was pretty... annoying... you know, like this... annoying... thing. And... and... I mean... she, yeah... she was pretty... disturbing. Not in the... um, strictest sense of the word, just... you know... hey... you kinda, kinda remind me of her."

The camera panned to the right.

"Man, what in the HIZ-ELL are ya talkin' `bout, homeslice? Me an' Ted E., we ain't exactly your friends, we's a'jes' `ere for de booze." Evil Smokey said, while Ted E. Ruxpin, with half of his fuzzy snout in a tall glass of booze, said something about a 'jive turkey'.

That visual of Ted E. cracks me up.

"Yeah..." Nowell said, not necessarilly to Evil Smokey, moreso to the little thing on his shoulder that formed the shape of a beer can, saying "drink me, drink me, drink me".

That didn't sound like a bad idea, but as he turned to look at him, he saw the presence of three people who very much irked him. You see, he's irked by these three guys on account of the fact that they were Bob Smith, Bill White, and Joe Brown. Nowell never really liked the Preliminary Wrestlers, because they kinda smelled funny, and they hogged the marshmellows.

Also, the fact that they had some woman with them.

"Great," Nowell thought, "Even THOSE losers see more action than me. I should solve this."

With that, Nowell stood up and followed the preliminary wrestlers out of the building, whereupon he would confront them outside.

"Man, isn't Sphere going to kill us when he finds out that we decided to go somewhere else instead of staying in the Bingo Hall and being ritualistically beaten to death by someone invariably better than us?" Bob Smith asked.

Bill White sighed, "Yeah. Yeah, he will."

RENNER: I usually end up giving the Preliminary Wrestlers some sort of dialogue. In fact, I'm probably the one responsible for giving Joe Brown a gimmick towards the end of the fWEo run.

Joe Brown held up a package of marshmellows, "Well, there's always time for marshmellows."

The woman raised her hand, "You know, you guys are kinda creepy."

Joe Brown grabbed the woman and looked at her with a semi-evil look on his face that just simply came off as stupid and contrived, "Hey, wanna job to us?"

The woman screamed in terror.

Wouldn't you?

Then Adam Nowell drunkenly staggered over towards these three, and raised his right hand, "Um, yeah... hi guys... anyone seen my car? It's... you know... a, uh, Plymouth Horizon? And it's... well, beige... and... not quite shiny..."

I got the idea that Nowell's car is a Plymouth Horizon from a Lewis Black album.

"Um, like, could you please piss off?" Joe Brown asked politely.

Adam Nowell glared at him. Joe Brown shoved the woman away and tried to be intimidating. Which is to say that he had to look up at Nowell and actually SAY "Grr" at him.

Nowell blinked, "Um... huh?"

That's when Joe Brown, being an IDIOT, tried to punch Nowell. Nowell blocked it, grabbed the arm, and then just simply Irish whipped him into Bill White. Bob Smith charged in with a few punch attempts, but Nowell, being drunk and brawling at the same time, bobbed and weaved awkwardly before he backhanded Bob Smith so hard that he did a moonsault oversell of the blow and landed on his stomach rather brutally.

Bill White, trying a different move, tried to kick Nowell. Unfortunately, he could barely get his leg up off of the ground and ended up weakly kicking Nowell in the foot. Nowell just looked at him like he grew an extra arm in his ass, before he used his Roundhouse Kick to send Bill White flying backwards about forty feet, crashing through the window of the bar rather violently in what had to be the first time in history that someone was thrown INTO a bar during a drunken brawl.

Bob Smith threw the bag of marshmellows at Adam Nowell's head, but it missed by about 1.39173917 miles, and Adam Nowell looked at Bob Smith really strangely.

Then he kicked Bob Smith's ass.

Nowell smiled at his handiwork before he turned to leave, only to see that the woman was all grateful and stuff.

"Thanks! Y-you know, I didn't REALLY want to job to those guys and..."

"Go away." Nowell said, shooting his 'vamp face' at her before he wandered away in a drunken haze, intent on going back to the arena and possibly throwing up on Sphere's desk.

Nowell is not a friendly drunk.

SACJ went to the ring for it's first "official" matchup, if there IS such a thing in the fWEo, as "Highway To Hell" brought out Ken War, who can definitely be identified as one of the fWEo's most popular stars. He entered the ring and ran the ropes, surprisingly NOT decapitating himself or impaling himself on anything.

"Same Old Song" replaced "Highway To Hell", bringing out a bottle of Cherry 7-UP, fresh off a feud in which it defeated a bottle of 7-UP and sent it packing. And by "packing", I mean far, FAR away from the fWEo. You know, like, in Wisconsin.

Cow moos, and the match is underway.

"hardkorr!!11", Ken War screamed.

"Fever For The Flava" hit.

Underweartaker, wearing an orange bathing suit (no, NOT a speedo), jumped into the ring and once again began to dance. It wasn't long before Sister Payne slid into the ring and went after her charge, but Underweartaker managed to escape this time without being grabbed by the ear. Payne ran off and chased him, and the little attention that was left focused back on the match.

BORT: You know, I said last show that Underweartaker didn't last long after getting this gimmick. I was SO wrong.

There was a long, terrible pause.


Then Ken War was horribly killed by a bottle of Cherry 7-UP.

BORT: I can't remember if there was any significance to there being a "splatter" BEFORE Ken War gets killed.

RENNER: There isn't.

So, anyway, Adam Nowell returned to his locker room, after failing to get inside Sphere's office to throw up on something that belongs to him. He took his trenchcoat off and then... well, stood around for a few seconds. That's because he felt a presence in the room, and slowly turned around to become face to face with a man he thought he would never see again. The reason being, of course, that he thought he had drowned in a swimming pool on the last Friday Bash he had been to, and then was eaten by Evil Smokey on an edition of Sunday Night Slaughter.

John Rocker.

RENNER: I think it was Leary's idea, since I was still consulting with him at the time even though he wasn't in fWEo any more, that John Rocker would play the role of Doyle.

"Well, I like the place. I mean, it seems too fuckin' New Yorkish to me, and you're a fruitbasket, but... it does have a real Batcave kinda feel to it. That is, if the Batcave were located in New York fuckin' City." Rocker said.

"You!? You're still alive?!"

"It'll take more than an evil bear to take out MY 95 MPH fastball, you piece of shit." Rocker said.

"But......... you're a jobber, aren't you?"

"Well, it just so happens that I'm very much NOT a jobber." Rocker said, before he sneezed.

And sold it.

"At least, not on my mother's side." Rocker said, getting up off of the ground.

In Angel, Doyle was half-demon on his father's side, and he only showed his demon side when he sneezed. Here, John Rocker is only half a jobber and he shows his jobber side by sneezing and then selling it.

"Well, what do you want?"

"Let me tell you a bedtime story." Rocker suggested.

Nowell blinked and pointed a finger at Rocker, "I'm not three, you obnoxious redneck."

"No. Fuck you. Sit down, shut the fuck up, and drink some god damn tea, you New Yorker," Rocker shouted, "See, this is a story about a jobber with a fuckin' puppy. And he was the meanest jobber this side of Atlanta. Hell, other jobbers were afraid of him, since he was... you know, a fuckin' New Yorkian bastard. Then, one day... he's cursed by idiots. They give him a puppy. And all of a sudden, he's mad with... well... fuckin' New Yorkian problems or some shit like that. Now, if you ask me, this story's a little boring, so... enter the girl. Pretty blonde thing. Jobber Slayer by trade. And our jobber fell madly in love with her. But, alas, it was not to be, because of the curse. If our jobber ever won a championship, he would lose his puppy and become a bastard again. So, what does our Jobber Slayer do? She takes off. Goes back to BOB, leaving our jobber to fight other jobbers and atone for his crimes. He's a shadow. A faceless champion for the hapless non-jobber race."

"Sit down, shut up, and drink your god damn tea" is a Final Fantasy VII line. Amazing that I did that BEFORE I brought Codemaster into fWEo.

Nowell blinked.

"Except for the part where I fell in love with Sarah the Sanity Slayer, and the part where I'm a jobber, that was about right, yeah." he said.

"Point is, sherlock, you're stayin' away from the non-jobbers you're charged to protect. And pretty soon, you're gonna say to yourself, 'eh, what's one more non-jobber to fuckin' save, let's treat me to a beer... still ahead by the numbers'." Rocker said.

"It ain't about the fighting, you know. It's about reaching out to people... so long as they're not fuckin' gay or fuckin' chinks or fuckin' black people... and showing them that there's still hope and love in this world." John Rocker said.

I love how John Rocker tries to give Adam Nowell the "saving people is important" speech while simultaneously still acting incredibly racist.

"Um, excuse me, do you guys have any marshmellows?" Mike Clark asked, as he wandered in.

"Get the hell outta here!" Rocker shouted, shoving Clark out of the room.

"Point is, it ain't about saving lives, it's about saving some puppies... possibly your own."

"So, who sent you?" Nowell asked.

Rocker blinked, "I'm honestly not sure myself. They're, like, called the Powers That Beat Off or something. I get... visions. Which is to say that I get hit in the head with a fuckin' baseball bat every time I get one. And afterwards, I gotta take one hellacious dump."

Rocker looked around nervously, "Hey, I'm parched from all this yaking. Let's hit a bar. Treat me to a beer."

SACJ went to Texas Kid's office, where, just like Sphere normally would, he had three guests. One was the former Undisputed Wominternopean North Dakotan Janitorjobberweight Champion, Waru.

The others were the current Undis...the current champion, Kevin Greene and his nWo Elite partner, Mongo.

BORT: As you can see, I didn't really enjoy having to type "Undisputed Wominternopean North Dakotan Janitorjobberweight Champion". Bah. And I still don't.

"Alright, what are you all here for?", TK asked them. "I didn't call you in here, but you all just came barging in here anyway. Geez, how does Sphere do it?"

Waru stepped to the side and pointed at Mongo.

"Well, Jack Tunney, I think I deserve a rematch. Mmm-hmm, that's right. I think I should defend my title against Kevin Greene again."

"Um...Waru? You lost the title to Kevin Greene two weeks ago.", TK told his Luchadore partner.

"I did? Since when?"

"Since two weeks ago, bay-ba, hoo doggy, yeah!", Mongo screamed at Waru.

"RRR....GRRR.....RUFF RUFF RUFF RUFF!", Greene shouted, before he lunged forward and grabbed a bottle of Surge with his teeth, furiously shaking it back and forth.

"Hmm, it appears that the two of you want to meet again.", TK said, shortly before two other men decided to enter his office.

Janitor Nine and Ken War.

TK leaned back in fear, like he had just seen a ghost.

"Hi! :-)" Janitor Nine said.

"hardkorr!!11" Ken War followed up.

"Y...y...you!", TK said, pointing at Ken War.

"Me? Why, thanks for noticing. :-D"

"What, is my shoelace untied?", Waru asked the vase over in the corner.

"You talkin' to Mongo, bay-ba?"


"No! You! I just saw you.....die! You're...you're dead!", TK said, pointing a finger, which was shaking wildly, at Ken War.

BORT: Much like Sphere a few shows back, Texas Kid reveals that he's completely oblivious to the fact that Ken War always comes back to life.

"ey cennut dei!!11 ey'm hardkorr!!11" Ken War responded, pumping his fist into the air.

It fell off.

"Um...um...alright...Tex, you gotta be a professional here...", TK said to himself as he straightened up in his seat. "Um...what can I do for you two? Run out and get you some embalming fluid, perhaps? NO! Gah...um, yeah!"

"Actually, we're here because of SummerHiptoss. We have this annual thing we do... Mall Brawl: When Janitors Collide, and... :-)"

"ets hardkorr!!11"

"Yeah. Ken War and I have a difference of opinion regarding this event. See, I want to be the secondary commentator, but he's like 'nu nu nu, u r nto hardkorr!!11 ey dservrev A shit @ teh jeb!!11' :-\"

"Ah, yes, SummerHiptoss, LIVE from The Spectrum on August 25th.", TK said, sounding like Sphere more than ever. "Let's see...you two want to do commentary, but only one of you can do it....and you two...", TK said as he pointed at Greene and Waru, the former of which was humping the latter's leg now..."That's....great. Anyway, you two want to meet in a rematch for the Undisputed Wominternopean North Dakotan Janitorjobberweight Championship..."

"And Mongo wants to referee, bay-ba, ah can count to three, learned how so yesterday, dem dere kin-da-gaht-nas, OH YEAH!"

BORT: I don't know if I intentionally left a word or two out of that sentence, but hey, it fits. And either Mongo forgot that he *is* able to count to three, since he was able to count to five during the match where Greene won the title, or he's completely unaware that counting to three is just like counting to five, only you stop two seconds early.

"And you want to be the referee. Well, here's what we'll do. Fourteen guys in Mall Brawl...Waru and Kevin Greene will be two of them. The other twelve will be announced in the coming weeks. The first man eliminated from this competition will walk home with the Wominternopean Jobberweight Championship, and the winner of this competition...the last man standing, gets the North Dakotan Janitorweight Championship. Mongo will be one of the referees."

BORT: I don't know if there's always fourteen guys in Mall Brawl, I had never read one before. If there is, then Texas Kid must've been a Mall Brawl fan. Either that or he randomly picked a number out of thin air.

RENNER: Mall Brawl: When Janitors Collide has as many people as I *feel* like including.

"You monster! You're gonna split the title? >:o", an angry Nine said.

BORT: Almost the entire roster was pissed at Mongo and Greene last show for coming up with an idea that might split the title in two, but this show, Texas Kid comes up with a similiar idea and the only person who objects is a former (and the first) champion. Of course, depending on the person, they either didn't know who he was or didn't even know he existed while he held the title.

"Quiet down, slipnuts, and answer me this question while you're at it. You're arguing over the secondary commentary position...why can't one of you take up the primary commentary position?"

"Because, silly, we kidnap Joey Malone from his house every year so that he can be the primary commentator. You can't just break a four year tradition! >:o"

"Ah. I have no clue as to who this Malone guy is, but that sounds good enough for me. Hmm....since you can't decide who's getting the other commentary position...how about the two of you face each other in the opening match on the pay-per-view, and the winner gets that position?"

"Sure! :-)"

"tat wuld b hardkorr!!11"

"Swell. Hopefully not too hardcore...the censors would have my balls in a nutsack!"

And with all the agreements going around, SACJ went elsewhere.

So, Nowell ended up back at the same bar he was at just a few moments ago.

How that happened, nobody knew, but the good part was that Nowell's little fight earlier in the afternoon had scared away the jobbers, leaving only Rocker, the apparent half-jobber, Nowell, the apparent non-jobber with a puppy, and some red-headed Irish woman.

Nowell raised his eyebrow at her.

He KNEW he had seen her before, but couldn't quite put his finger on it, mostly thanks to the fact that he had been in the fWEo for far too long.

Rocker didn't notice Nowell's notice of the woman, because he was already through his eight tequila and he was so smashed that he could only throw at 87 MPH fastball at this moment in time.

Finally, Nowell raised his index finger in the air and had a look on his face that would indicate "A-HA!". He figured out who this woman was, and he might as well drop by to say "hi".

"Hi, Gwen." Nowell said to the red-headed woman.

"Have we met?" the woman, Gwen O'Reily, a woman who was also a fellow Asylum fighter with Adam Nowell back when Nowell was actually a part of the chaos that was the Asylum. Though last Adam had heard about her, she apparently had lost her legs.

RENNER: Gwen O'Reily is another inherited character, and one I completely forgot about until I started reading this crap again. The most I can remember about her is that I used a picture of Alicia Witt as her poser.

And suddenly, the fWEo didn't seem quite so bad to him.

"I'm Adam Nowell! We met in the Asylum?" Nowell tried.

"I'm afraid I don't know anything about an Asylum." Gwen said in a surprisingly non-Irish accent. It was more... American.

Nowell blinked. He could've sworn that the Asylum was something that one would remember. I mean, you just DON'T forget an organization that involved anal rape, murder, robbery, extortion, profanity, and... of course, violence.

"Did you, like, hit your head or something?" he asked her.

"No, but I got knocked into this WEIRD blue swirl thingie! It was really weird, and a whole lot different from Pleasantville, where I happened to grow up!" Gwen said.

The real Gwen O'Reily was Irish, violent, and obviously came from Ireland. She also, apparently, had her legs amputated. This one is clearly American and is somewhat more peaceful. And still had her legs. Come to think of it, I think this might be the first instance of a bizarro character in fWEo. I'm amazed Bort didn't realize this.

"Aren't you Irish?"



There was an awkward pause, before Nowell clicked his fingers and realized what had happened with Gwen O'Reily, "Okay, let me guess. Alternate dimension, right?"

"Right." Gwen said with a nod.

"What's different there?"

"Well, Villam Ender's the president, having won in a landslide vote against the incumbant, Eddie Scott Poser, and he chose his brother and very best friend in the world, Exxa Decimal, to be his running mate. Oh, and Carrot Top won an Oscar for his work in the Pianist, it was really good work." Gwen said.

THen again, this bizarro dimension was clearly different from the one Bort developed, if only because Pauly Shore was president in that one.

Nowell's mouth stayed agape for a long, agonizing moment.

"You're joking. Please, for the love of God, tell me you're joking." Nowell said, putting his hands on his ears and trying to mentally scream at the demons in his mind.

"What? I'm supposed to believe that George W. Bush is the president HERE? Please. George W. Bush is a B-movie actor who's latest starring role was 'How I Love To Eat Children'." Gwen stated, putting her hands on her hips.

Nowell gave up.

"Right. Well. In case you ever need help getting around OUR screwed up world, feel free to, uh... call me... you know."

"You're not terribly good at hitting on girls, are you?" Gwen inquired.

Adam blinked, "What?"

Gwen walked away.

Adam just stood there.

Utterly confused.

SACJ heads to the ring for our next contest, with Hans Krueger already in the ring. Theme From Ultimate Warrior hits, bringing out Mike Renner.

Just kidding, it's Pete Russo.

No, seriously, Kevin Regan comes charging down the ramp.

Okay, it's the Ultimate Warrior.

Warrior runs around the ring a couple times before hopping up on the apron and, well, running back and forth on the apron. Finally, he gets in the ring and throws himself off the ropes right when Cow moos. He comes off the ropes and hits Krueger with a shoulderblock, sending him to the outside. It looks like Krueger's out of it, as the ref starts the ten-count. While he counts, we get an inset of Reginald VelJohnson & Lawrence Taylor, the Sphere Tag Team Champions.

BORT: Ah...inset promos...a staple of late-80's/early-90's WWF programming.

"Hey, LT, we're the champs, and what are we gonna do?", VelJohnson asked his partner.

"We gonna snap some white boy's leg at SummerHiptoss!"

"That's....well, we might not go that far, but we're offering a challenge to the greatest team currently in the fWEo. Do you have the guts to answer it? If you do, we'll see you...at SummerHiptoss!"

The inset goes away, right as Cow moos to signal the end of the bout.

Yeah, the match goes about twelve seconds and ends in a count-out.

Come on, it's not like we're looking for rave reviews on these matches.

Gwen O'Reily was intent on just remaining in the bar and drinking a lot. The one thing that was similar between her and this particular universe's Gwen O'Reily was, of course, their love for alcohol.

However, she had never before encountered a jobber up until now, as Dan Williams walked up to her.

"Hi." he said.

"What do you want?" Gwen O'Reily asked.

"I have to say, you have the most amazing eyes!" Williams said, offically trying to hit on Gwen O'Reily. Normally, Gwen would've been offended by such a loser like Dan Williams trying to hit on her, but she was filled with enough alcohol to make even Williams' unappealing form seem interesting.

"Really, now? And it's not `cause I can barely keep `em open `cause of the beer, right?" Gwen asked.

"Right!" Williams said.

"Riiiight." Gwen said, blowing him off, and trying to walk away. However, Dan Williams stopped her.

"Aw, c'mon. I'm a jobber, lady. I get about as much sex as Mike Heftel." Dan Williams said.

Gwen O'Reily laughed really loudly, drawing the attentions of Adam Nowell and John Rocker. Well, okay, John Rocker was more-or-less so smashed that his fastballs could only be 63 MPH at this point, but Nowell? No, Nowell was fine. As fine as someone half-drunk can be. Anyway, Nowell's attention was gained as Gwen pointed at Williams.

"Mike Heftel's a porn star! He made this big mess about starring in a big blockbuster film having just finished his fifteenth porno! He's not this 'jobber' thing you speak of, nor would I know what a jobber is!" Gwen protested.

RENNER: Another key difference between Gwen's bizarro dimension and the one Bort did... Bizarro Heftel was simply the ultimate badass, while the one Gwen's thinking of is clearly a porn star.

"You want to know what a jobber is?" Dan asked, before he grabbed Gwen's drink from her hand and dropped it on the floor.

"That was a plastic cup, jackass. I think you were aiming for the more spectacular glass breakage." Gwen said.

"Yes, but the point is that I'm supposed to be all evil and not good and stuff `cause I'm a jobber."

Man, when did *Dan Williams* become a douchebag?

"You're not doing a very good job. Could you possibly be... I dunno... threatening?" Gwen mocked.

"Hey! I try my best. I mean, I've got the whole 'owns a jar of toenail clippings' thing, and I like cheddar, and... and and.... and.... uh... I'm pretty sure I've got some other qualities that I'd get if I weren't just a preliminary jobber who gets his ass kicked every two weeks, but I don't have any of that, you know!" Williams said.

Gwen would've responded to this, but someone tapped on her shoulder. She whirled around to face the person who did this.

"Yeah, Gwen, y'might wanna let me field this." Adam Nowell said to Gwen.

With violence.

Gwen stepped aside, "Oh, by all means."

Adam smiled and stepped up to face Dan Williams.

"Hey, cool, now I got someone else to complain to! Why does Sphere make us fight people when he knows that we can't wi-- hey, didn't you stab me in the heart with a rubber stake one time?" Williams asked.

RENNER: Nowell's first fWEo match, in fact.

Adam smiled some more, "Yup."

"Well, I'd like a conversation with you about that. See, I think that was a really stupid thing to actually try and do. I mean, you tried to stab me with a rubber stake. Who stabs people with rubber stakes? I mean, that's WOJ LOGIC."

We don't have Woj Logic at the Palace of Wisdom.

Nowell looked like he was going to hurt Dan Williams.

"You're going to hurt me, aren't you?"

Nowell nodded.

"Aw, mitte--" Williams said, before Nowell punched him twice in the stomach (light enough to not send him flying), before he finished the pain by hitting him with the Roundhouse Kick so hard that he did six twirls in the air before finally hitting the ground.

I liked "Aw, mittens" as a statement before something terrible happened. Though I used it with a lot of characters, the statement became more associated with the Leigh Landers character in tSC.

Nowell wasn't finished.

He picked up Dan and seated him on a swivel chair.

"So. Dan. Tell me. Can you fly?"

Williams looked at Nowell oddly, "Of course not, you ponce. I'm a jobbe--"

Dan Williams is suddenly British in this match.

He didn't finish that statement, because Nowell shoved the chair backwards, which neatly deposited Dan Williams right through the first story window that wasn't broken when Nowell had previously thrown Bill White through.

Nowell smirked.

"Huh. Guess not."

Nowell spun around to face Gwen.

"Hey, you actually kicked that guy and he went spinning. That was kinda neat." Gwen said, genuinely impressed, "Do all people you kick do that?"

"Just jobbers," Nowell said, with a frown, "I tried doing it to an annoying Mexican I met last Friday, but he just stood there and whined about the punch."

"You meet a lot of jobbers?"

"Unfortunately." Nowell said.

"So, if I hit these people, they'd go flying about?" Gwen inquired.


"Ooh, gotta test this." Gwen said, excitedly, before she marched right out of the bar. Moments later, Dan Williams went flying right back into the bar. The bartender grumbled, threw his hands in the air, and quit his job right then and there. Gwen jumped back in via the window, and smiled.


"Huh. Guess I should make this my field." Nowell said to himself.

SACJ headed back down to the ring, where surely we'd see some fine mat action.

"Slave To The Grind" hit.

Screw you, then!

Black Quicksilver, the current reigning Sphere Heavyweight Champion appeared at the top of the ramp, and waited a few seconds before running down the ramp and hopping up to the apron, where he pumped his fist into the air, then entered the ring. He grabbed a microphone and prepared to speak in front of his hometown crowd.

Of course, that WOULD have been possible if there actually WAS a crowd. This didn't matter to BQ, though. Even when people are in the crowd, they still don't listen to him, so this was nothing new.

"Hellooooooo, Vir-gin-e-ah!", BQ said to absolutely no response.

"It's great to be back home, and it's even greater to be back home WITH THE GOLD!"

Crickets couldn't even be heard.

Okay, so maybe there was one that shouted "BORING!", but you get the picture.

"So, yeah, I pinned Sphere and won this belt at WrestleActionZone, and....everyone hates Sphere!"



BORT: I use this alot in real-life, only it's not usually shouted like that. It's from the movie "Saving Silverman".

Somebody PLEASE get a paramedic out here.

"Fly Like An Eagle" started to play, and out walked Senor Funpants. He's not a paramedic (a licensed one, anyway), but he'll have to do.

"Dammit, Quicksilver, you're out here totally bombing while your tag partner's sitting at home with a concussion! It's YOUR fault, you know. If you had gotten his tag title belt, he wouldn't have had to go out and show you how to kick someone's ass three ways from Monday!"

BQ and Jon Crisp were the fWo Tag Team Champions, but Crisp had gotten suspended. Sphere took it upon himself to name a replacement partner for BQ, and that partner was, well...Sphere. Of course, Sphere has zero pull in the fWo, and no one recognized him as one-half of the Tag Team Champions. In an effort to officially be recognized as a champion, he attempted to get Crisp's title belt through any means necessary, which usually meant having BQ steal it for him. Since Funpants is now aligned with Sphere, he considers Sphere to be BQ's tag partner in the fWo.

"Isn't it "two weeks to Sunday"?"



"Shut up! You think you're hot stuff, standing there in the ring and getting mic time, not having to defend that title....I'm gonna come down there and do what I've been doing here since day one..."

"Being made fun of *and* getting praised by the internet at the same time?"

"I...no! Dammit, douchebag, I'm gonna kick your ass!"

Funpants tossed down his microphone and took a few steps down the ramp, but stopped. Why?

"Celebration", that's why.

Funpants turned around, ready to meet Bam Bam Bigelow head-on, but Bigelow had other plans, as he came through the crowd and entered the ring. It took Funpants a while, but he eventually turned around and saw both BQ and Bigelow in the ring. BQ handed Bam Bam the mic.

"If ya's all don't mind...Bam Bam's got another poem ta read, since Sphere ain't here to give him his Hanes back just yet." Bigelow pulled out a pair of glasses and put them on, then produced a piece of paper, which he read from.

"Travis Beaven, to some you are a god among men.
I don't actually know you, but I wrote this poem because I wanted to use this pen.
I hear it's your birthday soon, but I won't ask of your age.
I'm guessing it's been a long time since you earned only minimum wage.

You created the fWo, they say it's hard to get in.
But the Codemaster is there and I'm not, guess I just can't win.
Some people don't like a certain red-head there, they've thrown a fit.
I think you should kick her out, for she killed Comey's wit.

You have a high-paying job, you work at Microsoft.
I met Bill Gates once, I shook his hand and then coughed.
Happy birthday Travis, I hope this year treats you well.
You're so much cooler than that guy who says "Dude, you're gettin' a Dell".

Thank you."

We return to the locker room to find that Adam Nowell was with John Rocker.

"Wasn't there a message with this episode? I mean, sheesh, shouldn't someone had to job against their will tonight? I thought that would've been fuckin' amusing... well, aside from maybe seeing a chink do the job. But still." Rocker said.

"Hey, nothing's more amusing to me than seeing a jobber take an ass kicking. Except for maybe seeing Sphere take one." Nowell replied.

"That's a bit bigger. Sphere's a jobber, but he's protected by a higher power or somethin'. Well, that and he runs this'ere company which is like a first-class ticket to non-jobberdom or somethin'. But, you know, there's a whole lotta jobbers that need a ass-kicking. Plus, there's a couple of chinks that could go for one, too..."

RENNER: I don't even have an idea what I was going for here.

"Rocker. Lay off those comments or I'm gonna knock your ass across the room." Nowell said.

"Fine," Rocker said, "Just know that I'm the guy who gets the visions and the long craps afterwards. I hope I get some fuckin' pay out of this."

"Hey hey hey!" Gwen O'Reily said, holding a bucket of Chicken McNuggets in one arm and a Chicken McNugget in her other hand, "Is that John Rocker?"

"Yeah, who the hell are you, lady?" Rocker asked.

"Just a girl who's wondering why such an esteemed member of the Gay Rights Committee is among us." Gwen said.

"I... I-I-I-I'm WHAT?!" Rocker shouted in shock and surprise.

Adam Nowell laughed, "Hahahahahaha! Oh... haha... man... you're like my new best friend, Gwen."

"What the HELL!? I'm not a fuckin' HOMO!" Rocker shouted.

"Sure you're not, Johnny. Say, I'm just gonna go bring in some of my stuff, since I'm apart of this 'Nowell Investigations' thing now." Gwen said, before she walked away.

Rocker pointed in the direction in which she left, "Man, can you believe that woman? Callin' me a homo. The nerve of her!"

"You so have the hots for her." Nowell said, being observant.

"Oh yeah."

Nowell laughed again, and left the room. Rocker looked around nervously, before he also exited, stage left.

We're taken to the ring for today's main event, and you know what that means.

The show's almost over.

The stars and stripes began to play, bringing out the WCW Television Champion, "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan. Obviously, Texas Kid has managed to go on a power trip on only the second show in a row that he's in charge of, since the champion is NEVER supposed to come out first.

"Don't Turn Around" replaced Duggan's theme, as Texas Kid walked out, accompanied by La Parka and Mr. T.

Alright, everyone knows how this match is gonna go. TK runs into a bunch of clotheslines, Duggan hits the three-point stance, gets ready to deliver the Old Glory kneedrop, but then La Parka and Mr. T run in for a really pathetic beatdown. I mean, T's punches are WAY off and Duggan's selling....come on. But hey, here comes Mike Heftel, Jackhammer, 1-2-3 Kid, and Stump to make the save! The STUMP Squad is here! Sure, they've got a 4-on-3 advantage and they're the faces, but look at the Luchadores run!

Okay, yeah, that match sucked.

But what if you were watching it....on weed?

BORT: I'm pretty sure I watched "Half-Baked" while I was planning this show.

BORT: The heading for this match actually read "HOOOOO! Dude (c) vs. Scott Hart (w/Bonesy Dancing Guy & A-Team)"

Dude, it's that guy who I watched when I was six and he's got that wooden thing and the flag and a belt and he beat up a TV set and he's so old he probably takes a dump in his pants every day, man. That Scott Hart guy is smart, man. I heard he was a pediatrist or veterinarian or epidermis or something. He's got that skeleton with him, I think it's my great grandpa. It might not be cause I don't think I'm Mexican. I might be Spanish, though. Dude, it's the A-Team! I watched that show when I was younger, Alan Alda was on it. No, wait, that was M*A*S*H*. No...Magnum P.I. He was on Magnum P.I. Everything around everybody's gone all orange and the foot doctor keeps falling down and now the Mexi...kelton and the A-Team are beating up the old dude, and now all these other guys are flying down to the ring in spaceships! And this one really...bald guy...he's walking down there and he's friggin' seventeen feet tall! Now he's stepping on everyone, man this is cool! And this one thing that looks like a football is all floating around and keeps changing colors from brown to gray and stuff. Where's my bong?

The "winner" section said "I forget".
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