It opened in another room, where a party was going on.
"Um, excuse me, can I get your attention please?", Texas Kid shouted as he stood on top of a table. "Uh, yeah, direct your eyes toward the guy in the mask standing on the table."
Everyone turned and looked at Waru.
"Oh, uh...sorry, guys.", Waru said, not knowing he was standing on a table. Of course, he didn't know everyone was looking at him, as he was turned towards the wall. He had just become so used to apologizing. As Jackhammer pulled him down, everyone turned to Texas Kid.
"I have to make a few announcements. Sphere apparently suffered a concussion back at WrestleActionZone, and as a result, neither he, nor Senor Funpants are here today. Because of this, and it's most likely the concussion talking, he's left me in charge again. Second, we're here today to celebrate the crowning of the NEW Undisputed Wominternopean North Dakotan Janitorjobberweight Champion, Waru!"
BORT: Even Texas Kid knows that Sphere wouldn't put him in charge again unless he wasn't thinking straight. And since it's SPHERE, that's saying alot.
Everyone starts clapping, as Waru turns to Bam Bam Bigelow.
"What'd I do this time?"
"You won da title, champ!", Bigelow told him, before he celebrated.
BORT: Bigelow pretty much turned face at WAZ after it was revealed that Sphere had stolen his Hanes months before. The turn actually seems pretty flawless because Bigelow being friendly to Waru doesn't seem forced at all.
Texas Kid continued to speak. "Yes, we'd like to give an extra thanks to Claire and Siren for fixing up this room and making it look all pretty for the party, proving that they're more than just good looks. And hot bodies. And tigers in the sack. Well, Siren, anyway. From what I hear from Sphere, of course."
Faint clapping is heard.
"Speaking of sex, I'd like to congratulate Barry Bladberth and Evil-Lyn on their recent engagement. We all look forward to the wedding, whenever it may be."
BORT: I just love that first sentence.
Most of the people in the room clapped, but one could be heard booing.
"Hey, don't look at me.", said Mike Heftel as a few people turned to him. He pointed to Stump and mouthed "He can't stand Bladberth!"
BORT: Of course, everyone knows Stump can't speak, at least out loud. I don't think Heftel basically admitting he didn't like Bladberth ever led to anything.
Everyone ignored him and turned back toward Texas Kid.
"Also, Black Quicksilver isn't here today, since he's the Sphere Heavyweight Champion, and apparently you can call your own shots when you have that belt. He also became one-half of the fWo Tag Team Champions this past Monday, something no one in this room has ever been able to accomplish."
"Hmph.", mumbled Jackhammer.
BORT: Jackhammer gets no respect, as usual. As for everyone in the WAZ main event being kept off this show...obviously Sphere's not there just so I can have Texas Kid in charge again. The main event for this show was planned a little while in advance, and I wanted the spotlight to be on that, so I figured it'd be easier if I just kept BQ and Funpants off the show, too. Plus that match WAS pretty long.
"And one more thing...apparently the three teams who failed to win the Sphere Tag Team Titles at WrestleActionZone have walked out on the company. I hope to God they can find better jobs elsewhere."
BORT: Wow, I totally forgot that was the sendoff given to most of Renner's characters.
RENNER: The reason why I took out most of my characters was because I was having to run Action! Wrestling, and I thought that entering college (as I was doing at the time) would murder my time. It really didn't, and I ended up coming back to fWEo later in the year with the majority of my characters.
Janitor Nine walked into the room, bumping into Razor Ramon.
"Man, how bad is it when I actually bump into Razor Ramon? :-("
"Hey, mang! Where you been, chico? You missin' out on havin' a good time...with Da Bad Guy!"
Nine blinked, as only Janitor Nine can do, "Wait, YOU notice ME? =-O What the heck?"
BORT: So Nine goes from being noticed even LESS at WAZ after losing his title, to being noticed right away the second he shows up here. And by an alcoholic, no less.
"Holy crap, it's Janitor Nine!", shouted the 1-2-3 Kid.
"Janitor Nine? Where?", Waru said before attempting to greet Nine. Unfortunately for him, he ran to the other side of the room and collided with an empty bookcase.
BORT: You know, even though Waru's the one who beat Nine for the title at WAZ, it makes complete sense that he had no idea who he was wrestling, and also that he would be elated to finally "see" Nine again, as no one else had really mentioned him the past few months, and the only way for Waru to know *anything* is by listening to what other people say.
"Um, hi? :-\"
"Yo, chico, you been missin' out! Ma main man Waru? He won da Undisuted Womintamonepemen thingamabob title!"
Nine blinked, "I... I know. I was kinda... you know, THERE. :-o"
"Yo mang....watch what you be sayin' here...we ain't in Atlanta no more, bro."
Before Nine could answer that ridiculous statement, Mongo and Kevin Greene entered the room, and judging from the boos, it was obvious that they weren't invited.
"RRRRRR....GRRRR......RUFF RUFF! Pleasure to be here! GRRRRRR...."
BORT: Possibly the only "original" line I ever had Greene say.
"What ma man is tryin' to say, bay-ba....is that he wants a shot at that Undisputed Wominternopean North Dakotan Janitorjobberweight Title.....tonight!"
"Today.", Texas Kid said, correcting him.
BORT: Since wrestling shows these days are normally held at night, Mongo was just going on instinct.
RENNER: As you may note from later segments written by me, I use this particular joke (ie: anything Mongo says that isn't ended in "bay-ba" is considered nonsense) an awful lot. I even used it in In Wily's Defense, once.
"And we don't want no normal match...we want a two-fall match! Winner of the first fall, bay-ba, gets the North Dakotan Janitorweight Title, and the loser of the second fall gets the Wominternopean Jobberweight Title!"
Everyone was silent.
Everyone gasped again.
"You're insane!", Heftel screamed out. "There's a possibility that the title could be split in two!"
Everyone gasped AGAIN.
"Oh yeah?", Waru said from the back of the room. "I accept your challenge!", he said, before kicking the bookcase. "Ow, my foot!"
"Mah-vel-ous, bay-ba!", Mongo proclaimed, before leaving the room, dragging Greene out on his leash.
"Well, looks like we have ourselves a main event.", Texas Kid said to La Parka.
"Why, yes, it IS weird that everyone currently in this room isn't booked to be in a match tonight."
BORT: Yeah, I actually point out how I just threw everyone who didn't have a match into this little party. It's actually easier this way because then I don't have to remember who's not there anymore since they're off doing whatever (match, a different segment, etc.).
Renegade, who was standing near the two Luchadore members, did a double-take upon hearing this.
"I don't have to wrestle tonight? Cool."
"Actually, you do.", Texas Kid told him.
BORT: No reason is ever explained as to why Texas Kid decided to be such an asshole towards Renegade here.
"God dammit. Against who?"
"Well, for some reason, your win over the Ultimate Warrior at WrestleActionZone has earned you a shot at the Television Title."
"I gotta face Duggan? Easy."
Renegade left the toom to go prepare for his match, and Texas Kid once again turned to La Parka.
"Hey, a whole segment and no one called me "Scott Hart"!"
"SCOTT! SCOTT HART! :)", Nine shouted out, waving to Texas Kid.
The two Luchadores hung their heads in disgust, as SACJ went to the ring.
BORT: Figured this would be the spot to point out that this show is taking place in the bingo hall located in "WCW Special Forces".
The team of Bob Smith & Joe Brown stood patiently in the ring, awaiting the arrival of their opponents.
Perhaps a bit too patiently.
"I am one with the ring.", Brown said to himself.
"Basketball" hit, briging out Reginald VelJohnson & Lawrence Taylor. Sure, they don't have a fancy tag team name (yet), but they *do* have the Sphere Tag Team Titles, which they won at WrestleActionZone in a match so intense that the other three teams involved are nowhere to be found. The champs reach the ring, and it is decided that LT will start with Smith.
The "yet" implies that I REALLY wanted to give VelJohnson & LT a team name, especially since they were now the champions. Trust me, it's coming.
The former Number 56 engages in a collar-and-elbow lockup with Smith, and backs him into the ropes. The ref asks for a clean break, but since LT is one bad dude, he lets go of Smith and throws DIRT right into his face. LT performs his rendition of the Ali Shuffle, and Smith is rightfully pissed. LT senses the anger and runs to the outside, but Smith chases after him. Once they circle the ring, LT slides back in, tagging VelJohnson, which Smith doesn't see, as he's too busy sliding back into the ring. LT stops dead in his tracks and urges Smith to rush at him, as VelJohnson prepares to hit Smith from behind. VelJohnson charges...
...and misses a friggin' clothesline.
Now Smith is pissed at *VelJohnson*, so he chases *him* to the outside. LT follows, chasing Smith. Brown decides to jump into the middle of things, as he chases LT. The ref tries to maintain some sort of order by chasing after Brown, and just because it's possible here, Cow chases the ref. Since that image should be hilarious enough, the ref and all the wrestlers involved in this match get back into the ring, just in time for "What A Man" to start playing, causing everyone to break out in dance. Since sixty percent of the guys in the ring are white, LT takes it upon himself to perform a solo. He gets a standing ovation from VelJohnson before everyone decides to be all serious and get on with the match. VelJohnson and Smith are in the ring, but not for long, as VelJohnson stuns his opponent with the VelJohnon-A-Rooni. Afraid that VelJohnson will inflict more punishment upon him, Smith tags in Brown, who promptly runs right into the portly frame of VelJohnson. VelJohnson simply shrugs and tags LT back into the match, who decides it's time to end the match and go to the back, where he can watch his "Touchdowns Scored By Me" tape, made by LT, for LT.
LT hooks Brown for a vertical suplex, and goes to slingshot his feet off the top rope (it's called a slingshot suplex...got it, kids?), but he should've known better, as Brown is just a preliminary wrestler, and isn't trained to take certain moves. Yes, that's right, Brown's feet get caught right on the top rope and he falls right on his head. LT, ever the professional, doesn't bother to check on Brown and makes the cover. Three seconds later, and the team of VelJohnson & LT have made their first successful title defense.
Oh, and I have no idea why two of the Preliminary Wrestlers got the first title shot.
RENNER: So, at this point, Leary was persona non grata in fWEo, so I was having to at least conclude this entire madness with Adam Nowell on my own. The story of this angle was a parody of Season 3 of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. In this, the Mayor of Sunnydale was trying to use a process called "the Ascension" in order to become a pure demon. I figure the opposite of this was a "Descension", to become a pure jobber. Why Hans Krueger, who was an Asylum badass when Tomer handled him, would want to become a "pure jobber" is kind of silly.
The Descension was upon us.
And for the Shaggy Gang... oh, and Adam Nowell, too... time was running out. In just a couple of short hours, Hans Krueger, Mayor of Beaverton, will Descend into pure jobber, an act that Sarah "the Jobber Slayer" didn't necessarilly want.
Henceforth and forthwith, the Shaggy Gang, consisting of Sarah the Jobber Slayer, Kay Fabe, Xamfir, Jeannie, Michelle, Styles, and Little Good, along with Adam Nowell, were discussing their plans of attack for Hans Krueger.
"Okay, we're going to need a really big mallet." Sarah said.
"I suggest a flamethrower." Xamfir added.
"That won't work, he's inflammable." Jeannie said.
Actually, "inflammable" means "easily set on fire".
"Well, I wish I had a flamethrower."
And suddenly, Xamfir found himself holding a flamethrower. Xamfir smiled and pointed it at Nowell, who had to dive out of the way to avoid the flamethrower blast.
"Hey! Don't DO that!" Nowell shouted, as he slowly stood up, "I don't like doing random dives out of the way while you shoot fire at me, and you nearly set the coat on fire!"
With that, he checked to make sure that it wasn't on fire, which it was not.
"OH MY GOD!" Styles shouted out of the blue.
Kay Fabe entered the room at about this time. Everyone stopped talking to look at her.
"Finally, Kay Fabe... has... COME."
Nowell coughed nervously, "Why, exactly, do you say that? I mean, every time you enter the freaking room, you say it as if you haven't been in here before! I mean, Jesus, Kay, you've been in and out of this meeting three times already."
"Kay Fabe has gimmick issues."
"That's not the only issue you have. Care to sit around? I made a list." Nowell said, pulling out a small sheet of paper out of his coat using his right hand. As soon as Nowell removed his right ring finger from the paper, the paper unfolded itself all the way to the floor.
This joke still makes me laugh to this day.
Kay Fabe left.
Nowell shrugged and tossed the list over his shoulder in frustration.
Sarah stood up and put her arms around Nowell, and though he was uncomfortable with this, since... you know, he doesn't like Sarah at all, he stuck with it.
"We need a plan against Krueger! We need to take action!" Sarah said, tightening her grip around Nowell. Finally, Nowell's discomfort was too great the bear, and he slipped out of Sarah's grip. Nowell cracked his knuckles and grinned.
"I have a plan."
"Really!? Tell! Tell!" Xamfir said.
"I go in. I meet Hans. I punch him in his fat, ugly face until either red stuff comes out or my hand hurts, whichever comes first." Nowell suggested, cracking his neck as he went. Sarah looked horrified at this idea.
The fun part about writing with Adam Nowell was that he was always among the most direct individuals in fWEo. While everyone else is trying to come up with seemingly convoluted ideas to take down Krueger, Nowell just offers to beat the shit out of him.
"No! You'll get all hurty and stuff! I can't lose my beloved Angel! Not after everything we've been through!" Sarah complained, giving him the pouty face.
"Hey, you got a better plan, enlighten me." Nowell said, crossing his arms defiantly.
"Ooh! Ooh!" Little Good said, raising his hand frantically, "I've got a bloody plan! We could tie you up, then use you as the bloody bait for that Krueger bloke to come and give you a right thrashing."
As "Little Good" is a parody of Spike and Adam Nowell is, technically, the Angel parody... they don't like each other too much.
"Well, it's nice to know that nothing new under the sun ever happens, in that Little Good's plans never fail to absolutely suck." he said.
"Let's attack the mayor with humus." Michelle suggested.
The exact same plan Oz offered when dared to come up with a crazier plan to kill the Mayor, incidently.
"Let's not." Nowell shot back.
Then, Kay Fabe returned.
"Finally... Kay Fabe has... COME."
We'll leave it at that.
SACJ went back to the "party room", where Evil-Lyn was talking to Claire and Nitro Girl Siren, while her fiancee', Barry Bladberth, was engaged in a converstion with the other members of the STUMP Squad: Mike Heftel, Jackhammer, Stump, and the 1-2-3 Kid.
"Yeah, we've almost got the date set, but....Claire...there's something I need to ask you.", Evil-Lyn said.
"Oh? What's that?"
"I really, really, REALLY want you to be my Maid of Honor...you're, like, my best friend!"
"Me? The Maid of Honor?"
"Of course I'll be your Maid of Honor!"
Evil-Lyn screeched in a joyful manner and hugged Claire, who also screeched in a joyful manner and hugged Evil-Lyn back. Not wanting Siren to feel left out, they pulled her into the group hug, because, you know, that's what a group of women do when they're friends and one of them's getting married. I guess. Unlike guys, who think the Maid of Honor is the "head bridesmaid". Losers.
Comey's edit: Bort isn't one of them. I would have added something with humor, but...I just don't have it. Thanks, Katie.
BORT: This stems from a conversation I had with Comey while writing this segment, as I seriously couldn't remember what the bride's equivalent to the groom's best man was. All I could think was "head bridesmaid". Comey thought it was hilarious.
Meanwhile, not that far away, Jackhammer was giving Bladberth some advice.
"Rule number one...always be home in time for dinner. Rule number two...never complain if you're home in time, but dinner isn't ready. Rule number three...offer to do the dishes after dinner if she's in a good mood."
"And what's that?", Bladberth asked him.
"Because that will most definitely get her in the sack later on that night."
"I see. If she's in a good mood, should I ask her why?"
I have no idea how I know all these rules.
Heftel, being all high and mighty, decided to butt in.
"Yeah, ya see, Barry....uh...hmm...well, Kid's got something to tell you."
Bladberth turns to the 1-2-3 Kid.
"Um...see, you can...", Kid manages to get out before Siren walks up to him and puts her hand on his shoulder.
"Blush!", Kid shouts.
"What?", a confused Siren asks.
"What he means is "pop a boner". Hehehehehehehehe.", Heftel says, laughing like only Heftel can.
That sounds like a Comey line. He DID co-write this segment with me, after all.
"See? You get it! Slap me some skin, homeslice!", Heftel says to Stump, before attempting to give it a high-five. Of course, he misses, right as Claire and Evil-Lyn walk over. Heftel's hand manages to connect with Evil-Lyn's forehead, and almost immediately after contact is made, Bladberth DECKS Heftel, sending him to the floor. Jackhammer nods approvingly and claps politely. Suddenly, Bam Bam Bigelow jumps onto the scene.
"Bam Bam wants everyone ta know he still ain't wearin' his Hanes, and he wants to kill Sphere, and he don't need no nWo Elite no more!"
Bigelow celebrates, and then cartwheels out of the room. Everyone just shrugs and looks around as a voice is heard off-camera, saying "Wrap it up", which is code for "Somebody's out of ideas". Everyone looks around nervously before Claire turns to Evil-Lyn.
"See, this would be where we start going at it, but I'm your Maid of Honor now."
"Dammit!" shouts Heftel from his position on the floor.
Meanwhile, on the OTHER side of the WCW Special Forces, two people stood around, seperated from the rest of the pack. The reason why they were seperated was, of course, the fact that they had picked the dirtiest part of the Bingo Hall to be in.
They were, of course, Hans Krueger and Eliza "the Jobber Slayer".
RENNER: Eliza was Daffney, the former valet of David Flair and Crowbar. In this case, she is a parody of Eliza Dushku's character, Faith.
"AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!" went Eliza.
"Evil evil evil." went Hans.
Then David Crockett showed up with a note, which he pointed at.
"LOOK AT THAT!" went Crockett.
Krueger did look at it.
The note said the following.
I think you suck and therefore, I want to smash my fist into your face multiple times tonight. See me in the ring.
- No@!$#*($(*^!(*#^ ANGEL
Yes, folks, it appears that the note had been doctored and someone had scratched out Adam Nowell's real last name with the name everyone calls him. Krueger crumbled up the note in his fist, because even though the Descension was TONIGHT, he wasn't happy with this.
"I am NOT happy with zis."
As much as I steal the "bay-ba" joke from Bort, I can at least say that I also use this joke a lot, too.
See, told you.
"I shall take ze FOOLISH unt INFERIOR Angel's challenge." Krueger said, tossing the wadded up piece of paper over his shoulder, whereupon it hit Eliza's face.
"AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!" Eliza screamed in response.
BORT: Wow, seriously, do you know how much this match would've sucked if they ran it in WCW? Come to think of it, they probably did at one point.
SACJ went back to the ring as "Renegade" was playing, letting us all know that Renegade is in the ring waiting for his opponent.
As the TV Champion himself would say, the stars and stripes began to play, bringing out "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan. He attempted to hand out small American flags to the ringside fans, but was unaware that there *weren't* any ringside fans. Or any fans, for that matter. He just assumed that all the fans had butter fingers, and stepped into the ring, swinging his 2x4 around wildly. The ref ducked whenever it came near him, but Renegade didn't bother, as he knew it wasn't a real 2x4.
Or so he thought.
You see, Duggan got a bonus for his performance at WrestleActionZone, and upgraded his 2x4 from "rubber" to "wooden". Renegade just found this out the hard way, and before he could wonder how anyone gets a "bonus" in this promotion, he jumped Duggan from behind, signaling the start of this match for the TV Title which has a three-minute time-limit.
Duggan using a rubber 2x4 is playing off of the time he attacked The Revolution in WCW, only to find himself on the receiving end of a major ass-kicking, since he was stupid enough to try and take out three or four guys by himself. He and Dean Malenko played tug-a-war with the 2x4, and in typical late-era WCW fashion, the 2x4 started to bend every which way, exposing the fact that it wasn't "real". Malenko got ahold of the 2x4 and tried to fix it before bopping Duggan in the head with it, but that just made matters worse. Or better, depending how you look at things.
"Hacksaw" repeatedly shouted out that he was NOT a member of the Filthy Animals, hoping Renegade would stop pounding on him. Of course, this angered Renegade even more, and he unleashed his dreaded CLOTHESLINE on Duggan. Duggan got to his feet, but Renegade clotheslined him again. Duggan pulled himself up with the assistance of the ropes, thanked the ropes, turned around, and ate ANOTHER clothesline.
I think the Filthy Animals reference is calling back to the time Renegade, as Van Hammer, was a member of the Misfits In Action, who feuded with the Filthy Animals for a short time in WCW. And since all the MIA members had "ranks" and "clever names", Van Hammer had been renamed Major Stash. His original name was Private Stash, but rumor has it he complained about "Private" being too low of a rank. Now I'm wondering why I never ran an angle based on that.
Alright...Renegade just clotheslined Duggan three times. The match should be over, right?
"Fever For The Flava", by Hot Action Cop, began to play, confusing the hell out of just about everyone.
Suddenly, the Underweartaker ran into the ring, wearing a pair of blue jean shorts and a black shirt with cut-off sleeves. He removed his shirt and swung it around while he danced suggestively. By now, Duggan had got back up to his feet, and he cheered Underweartaker on. The dancing continued until Sister Payne entered the ring and grabbed her charge by the ear and yelled at him as she dragged him out of the ring and to the back. Duggan came to the conclusion that it was "that time of the month" for Sister Payne. You know, that time of the month where the guy you manage wants to interrupt matches whenever he damn pleases. This almost caused him to forget about the match, as Renegade charged at him, but he ducked at the last second, sending Renegade up and over to the floor. It took awhile, but Duggan soon joined him on the arena floor, and took a rather hilarious bump into the imitation-steel ring steps, as Cow mooed.
Really, that was the best I could come up with for Underweartaker since he was exposed as being someone who preferred boxers. As you'll find out, this new gimmick of his didn't last that long.
Yes, we have a double count-out in a match that only had a three-minute time-limit in the first place.
And such is the wonderful world of the fWEo.
BORT: I think Comey explains just what the hell is up with this segment pretty clearly.
The Ultimate Warrior drove down the road, as some of the members of the fWEo roster decided to split the cost of a rental car. Warrior drove with great delight, as nobody ever let him drive. The reason is that he doesn't have great eyesight, and refuses to wear eyeglasses. He doesn't wear eyeglasses because he tried to once, but messed up the paint on his face. When asked why he wears paint to the grocery store, he said "I, umm...I am the Warrior." Anyway, that's what he, um...did.
So they drove around the streets of...I don't know. They were driving a car. It was red, and small. Small cars are funny. Virgil rode on the...hood. Evil Smokey, I guess, was in the trunk.
Christ almighty, I can't do this anymore. Look, Katie, otherwise known as the fWo's Aimz, destroyed my will to be funny. She was outrageously selfish, and decided to change her name to Molly so that it would seem that I was speaking to her on eWp. Thanks to her selfishness and belief that she is the center of the universe, and everything must go through her, I have lost the will to even try to be funny.
I considered every possible avenue of wit, including adding ABUSAH and consulting with Ken. His suggestion, albeit in passing, of using ALL CAPS was strongly considered. However, upon the seventh revision of this piece, I started crying. I ended up talking to Grover at length over poetry and how it could be used as a depressant, complete with examples. After this, I tried to demonstrate the principles Grover has instilled into me, showing Ken a poem I wrote about some young Mexican kids stealing my keys and then my car, and how that made me feel. I also wrote about the possibilities my blank white wall does for my religion, which I have recently found. By the 76th stanza, Ken either blocked me or committed suicide. The last words he wrote to me were "';kr.oi egw oerohgueawe liharouh haoe hhhhhhhhhhh".
As a result of the last 96 hours, I no longer see the advantages of being funny, and it's all due to Katie and her ability to figure out when someone is talking to someone else and she's not involved, and her added ability to get involved into the aforementioned conversation without the expressed written consent of any of the involved parties.
You can thank her. You can blame her. But, as of now, I can not conceivably try.
My apologies to Mike Renner and Bort, as well as those who wanted to see something funny with the Ultimate Warrior driving a car of some sort. I think I was supposed to put Ted E. Ruxpin in the sketch too, but I'd just be kidding myself if I tried to dish out some funny with HIM. I'm sorry to all of the fans of these characters. Renner and Bort, and my replacement, will have something good for them soon.
Hmmm...perhaps my replacement will be Katie. Might as well. It's the one place she hasn't muscled her way into yet.
R.I.P. My Wit 1999-2003 (it didn't really grow until then)
Not that anybody cared, but Nowell's been wanting to get back at Krueger for that time that Krueger kicked his ass at Fight Hell II after he and Krueger lost the Asylum Team Titles.
RENNER: Adam Nowell and Hans Krueger used to be a tag team called "Syndication". I ended up with Nowell's character after the team broke up, and then I ended up with Krueger's at the end of 2002. Thus, it seemed logical to try and conclude their angle in fWEo. I think it worked out better this way.
But like we said, nobody cared. Nowell was now the trenchcoat-wearing Angel, while Krueger was... messed up like a box of crackers in a washing machine.
Of course, the smile faded when Sarah the Jobber Slayer bounced into the room.
"Hi, Angel!" she said excitedly.
"Weeelllll, I was just in the neighborhood, but I came to tell you that I'm leaving after this battle. Now now, don't cry, Angel. I just have to tell you this because there was some sort of decision rendered a while ago and it's taken this long to finally see it through." Sarah said.
Nowell didn't say a word for a few moments.
Then he spoke, "Is that so?"
Nowell paused, before he turned to Sarah, "Sarah, could you give me a moment alone? I have to deal with this."
"Sure, sweetie! Love ya, byebye." Sarah said, before she left the room.
After a few moments, Nowell leapt up in the air, pumped his fists in the air, and made "YAHOO!" noises.
He was finally free of Sarah "the Jobber Slayer".
He was so excited that he hit his head against a bookshelf.
Sometimes, even the most serious characters do the dumbest crap.
SACJ went back to the room where the "party" was taking place, as Texas Kid and La Parka were attempting to engage in a conversation with a bottle of Cherry 7-UP.
"Hell, I don't know. It's just a soda bottle."
"But it's not gonna understand!"
"So...just explain it anyway, just for storyline purposes?"
"As a matter of fact, yes, you DID stutter."
"Alright, alright. Uh...bottle of Cherry 7-UP guy...or...bottle...or thing or whatever...it says here that right after you defeated a bottle of 7-UP at WrestleActionZone, it just, well, walked out. It hasn't been seen since, and I was told by Sphere that if it didn't show up here today at the beginning of the show, it was in breach of contract, and it'd be fired. So...yeah, it's fired. Congratulations, you've won this feud hands-down. How was that?"
BORT: It wasn't that I didn't know what to do with the bottle of 7-UP after WAZ...this was just all part of the way-too-long angle that I had planned. I also find the irony in how Texas Kid protests that a soda bottle isn't going to understand him when he's standing there and completely understanding someone else who communicates via shimmying.
"Sucked, huh? Well, that's what was expected."
With the Descension hanging over the heads of everyone tonight, tensions could be a LITTLE higher. Of course, when you hold your shows in empty arenas, you tend not to notice.
However, for this particular match, two seperate factions sat in opposite sides of the ring. On one side, you had Sarah "the Jobber Slayer", Kay Fabe(holding on to Sarah's knee for some reason), Styles, Xamfir, Jeannie, Michelle, and Little Good.
On the other side of the ring, you had Eliza "the Jobber Slayer" and the evil peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.
RENNER: Yes, Hans' minions are as stupid as they sound.
For some reason, David Flair, completely unaffiliated with either faction, just stood in a central area. He was unaffiliated with the Shaggy Gang, because he sucked as a Commentator and he was David Flair, and he was unaffiliated with Team Krueger for... well, the exact same reasons.
Anyway, to kick things off, "Supersexworld" by One Ton played for the first time in fWEo arenas, drawing out Hans Krueger. Krueger smiled his stained smile as he walked out to the ring. Krueger entered the ring, and not much of note happens.
"Angel" by Darling Violetta would interrupt the proceedings, as Adam Nowell walked out, still extremely happy over Sarah the Jobber Slayer leaving him. Nowell entered the ring and glared at Hans Krueger.
The two glared at one another before Angel went all vamp face and clobbered the hell out of Hans with a punch, sending him flying into a turnbuckle. Hey, all vampire punches(even if Nowell wasn't a vampire per se) tend to do that, why not this one? Well, Krueger didn't like this punch. Partially because it was all hurtie, and he hadn't been all hurtie in a good four months now, but mostly because it could have ruined his boyish good looks.
In Buffy and its spinoff (Angel), punches delivered by vampires tend to make regular people go flying into things. Logically, that should kill people. Also, the last line refers to the fact that Krueger was ugly as sin and had extremely stained teeth.
With that, Krueger kicked Nowell. Right in the stomach.
Then he smiled his stained smile.
"RIGHT! That's it." Nowell shouted, looking away from Krueger's bad teeth, "Might I interest you in some COLGATE?!"
With that, Nowell reached into the pockets of his trenchcoat and pulled out a tube of Colgate and a toothbrush.
Krueger backed off in horror.
"Vou wouldn't DARE."
"Oh, I WOULD!"
Only in fWEo would one former kickboxer would threaten another with TOOTHPASTE.
With that, Nowell lunged at Krueger, spearing him to the canvas while trying to force the toothbrush into Krueger's mouth. After a few moments of heated struggling, Krueger managed to push off Nowell with both of his feet.
Then he unleashed the Dresden Powerhouse.
"Dresden Powerhouse" = somewhat lame name for a roundhouse kick.
Nowell unleashed his roundhouse kick.
"Haha. Vou zee? Vou cannot defeat me, Nowell. Vou are veak, veakling." Krueger taunted. This simply caused Nowell to calmly take off his trenchcoat to reveal the black shirt and the black pants that were underneath.
"Ooh, he's so hot even without the trenchcoat." Sarah commented.
"I wear a sodding trenchcoat, you know." Little Good pointed out.
"I also kick your ass a lot."
Little Good said nothing in response to this, on account of having nothing to say.
Nowell tried a three punch combo, but Krueger somehow blocked all of them. The last punch was skillfully dodged, and Krueger unleashed the Dresden Powerhouse to the back of his head as he stumbled forward, that sent him flying over the top rope and to the outside.
Nowell did not like that.
He got up onto the apron, whereupon he punched Krueger in the head as he got too close to him. Then Nowell had the GALL to try an ACTUAL WRESTLING MOVE by slingshotting himself over the top rope and using a sunset flip.
Krueger was so bewildered that he actually got rolled up for a two count.
He got up and shoved Nowell backwards, "Vou cheapzkate! Vou never used ze wrestling! EVER!"
"First time for everything, Chuckles. Say, would they elect a eunich for mayor in Beaverton?" Nowell asked.
"Vah, zey vere ztupid enough to elect me in ze first place, vhy?" Krueger asked.
Nowell kicked him right in the balls.
Then Nowell tried to use the Michinoku Driver, but SOMEONE doesn't want to sell Nowell's rarely-seen finishing maneuver, and so Krueger blocked it, before hitting the Dresden Powerhouse.
It was the coolest, though, because when he landed, he actually bounced!
Now, Krueger would have followed up on this, but then a pesky light suddenly shot out of his eyes and mouth, and he slowly started to levitate off of the ground and look all scary-like.
The Descension had begun.
The fact that this ended in a non-finish and would be picked up later in the show was a parody of something that often happened in Asylum matches. Particularly, the end of the 2002 pay-per-view where there was a match, then a segment, and then the continuation of that match.
The Shaggy Gang all stood up in horror.
Nowell simply glared up, not bothering to get to his feet.
David Flair also looked up in horror.
Eliza screamed in delight.
The evil sandwiches screamed "HAIL JELLITER" as they, too, floated up and joined Hans Krueger in the Descension process, slowly being absorbed into the bright, shining light that was once Hans Krueger.
The sandwiches were now gone.
Adam Nowell didn't know what to make of this situation.
Styles screamed out, "OH MY GOD! It IS the Descension! It really exists! I thought it, was, like, a bluff or something!"
The light slowly levitated back down to the canvas, and slowly faded away. Everyone in the building gasped in shock as Hans Krueger stepped out of the light with a smile on his face.
A hideously white smile.
His jacket, jeans, and Asylum shirt were replaced with black trunks, black kneepads, and black boots.
RENNER: Yes, Hans Krueger had become just like Mike Heftel.
Krueger looked down and smiled, "Yes! The Descension is complete. I have attained my full power! Plus, I don't have that stupid German accent any more!"
Krueger did the Snoopy Dance.
Nowell stood up.
It wasn't over just yet.
Nowell wandered over to Krueger, who was still doing the Snoopy Dance, and tapped him on the shoulder, "Hey, Hans."
Krueger turned to look at Nowell.
"I believe that you have to meet Mr. Pointy now."
"Mr. Pointy? Are you suggesting that I suck your pe-- OOF!"
RENNER: "Mr. Pointy" was what Kendra called her stake. Krueger assumed that it was some euphemism for Nowell's penis.
And the rubber stake that happened to belong to Adam Nowell was jammed straight into Krueger's mouth. Krueger spat out the stake in disgust, only to walk right into the Michinoku Driver. A three-count later, and Adam Nowell had won the match.
Nowell got up and shrugged.
He thought this whole Descension deal was a BAD thing.
You would think Krueger would've realized that becoming a "pure jobber" would mean that he'd get his ass completely kicked by Nowell.
Adam Nowell left the ring.
There wasn't much more he could do, was there? He got his revenge on Krueger, and all was swell.
Then he saw her. Standing in the light whose source Nowell wasn't sure about. It was Sarah "the Jobber Slayer", who was taking one last gaze at Adam Nowell before she departed for the fWEo for good.
Nowell stared back at her, not in a longing, puppy-dog gaze like Sarah, but more of the "why haven't you left?" kind of stare.
Finally, Sarah spun on her heel and walked away from Nowell.
She tripped and fell on her way out.
Nowell would laugh for a whole day after that one.
Mr. T, the current reigning Million Dollar Champion, walked out for his big interview segment. Unfortunately, Texas Kid wasn't about to set everything up for Mr. T, and so Mr. T was carrying a table AND two chairs all by himself. After a considerable amount of effort, T set the table and the chairs in the ring, and grabbed a microphone.
"Greetings to all of you strangely absent good samaritans. Tonight, I have quite a smashing surprise for all of you fans. All six of you. I shall have a special guest tonight and I will poke and prod him with inquiries until we inevitably have to end our intelligent and thought-provoking rendition of Mr. T's Teahouse. My first guest is, of course, the delightfully wonderful Billy Joel." Mr. T said.
RENNER: I *clearly* wrote this segment by myself, because I don't think Bort is a Billy Joel person.
And, of course, no music played.
However, Mr. T was somewhat prepared for the communication gap, for once, and he produced a large sign that was hanging from around his neck, before he held it up frantically.
"Highway to Hell" by AC/DC played.
Mr. T was bewildered.
He was even more bewildered when Ken War came out. Ken War wandered out to the ring and amazingly didn't lose ANY of his limbs on his way there. Ken War sat down at one of the chairs, and prepared for the interview. Mr. T shrugged and sat down, before he made his first statement.
I think what we were going for is a big communication gap. Nobody knows what T ever says, and Ken War speaks only in typos.
"You are not Billy Joel."
"wat?//" Ken War asked, bewildered.
"I am just saying, I had a perfectly fine guest in the gentleman that sang 'Piano Man' and 'River of Dreams', and I was wondering what had happened to him."
"r u cumeng un 2 mi?///" Ken War asked, leaning away from Mr. T in fear.
Ken War assuming that Mr. T is hitting on him = hilarity.
"I am sorry, what did you just say? Your vernacular puzzles me." Mr. T said.
"hay hay hay, kne wer mey b hardkorr, bet ey donut sweeng det wey, misturer r!!11 u se, ey em strklyi ov th hteroesoeuxla vereyetee, & ey njoy th cumpenee ov fnei a$$ beaches!!11 & ef u canut repskt mi presonel brouneree, ethn u r nto hardkorr en th vary lest!!11" Ken War said, glaring at Mr. T.
"Mister War, please, I enjoy the, ahh... 'fine ass bitches', as you so thoroughly put it, as much as the next guy. I especially like Nitro Girl Siren. However, I must stress that I am not trying to take advantage of your dying disabilities in the least." Mr. T said, with all of the sincerity that only Mr. T can bring to the table.
"lesstn 2 mi, ey em kne wer!!11 mne wnt 2 be mi & fnei a$$ beaches wnet 2 b weth mi!!11 u heve 2 b hardkorr & hterosoeuxla 2 b wit mi!11 & u r nto hardkorr!11" Ken War said, standing up and acting all macho, as only Ken War could do.
Mr. T was, of course, bewildered, "What is this core that's hard? Do you mean like an apple core? If so, those are hard, yes..."
"4 th lest tym, ey ant gong otu wit u!!111"
With that, Ken War stormed out of the interview.
He tripped over the bottom rope and decapitated himself on the guardrail moments later.
Mr. T nervously adjusted the collar of his shirt, even though his shirt didn't have a collar, "This did not go as well as I had planned."
With that, Mr. T left, leaving Ken War's body to look for its head.
Since I didn't pay attention to much of fWEo between here and SummerHiptoss, I can honestly say that I'm not sure where this was supposed to go.
SACJ heads to the ring for it's main event, and....what's that? We were already focused on the ring due to the last segment being IN THE RING? Well...okay.
"Who Let The Dogs Out" began to play, bringing out the challenger, Kevin Greene, along with his nWo Elite partner, Mongo. Both men enter the ring, and are told by the ref that they have to clean it up themselves, as Mr. T forgot to take the table and chairs out of the ring after his interview segment. Mongo reluctantly removes the furniture from the ring as Greene growls at the ref. Mongo re-enters the ring and tells the ref to get out, as he has a microphone, and he apparently wants to say something.
"I'll tell ya somethin', tonight in the main event, it's gonna have aftershocks of epic proporitions, bay-ba, YEAH! Cause Mongo gonna be the special guest REFEREE, oh, YEAH, BAY-BA, YEAH!"
As you can guess, Sean Mooney and Larry Zbyszko, seated at the commentating booth, are absolutely flabbergasted at this announcement. Zbyszko even points out that Mongo isn't wearing a standard-issue referee's shirt. Mooney points out that Mongo isn't wearing a shirt at all. Zbyszko calls Mooney a "fag" for noticing.
BORT: I rarely used Mooney and Zbyszko on the non-PPV shows, but when I did, I made it count.
"Heterosexual Man" started to blare throughout the bingo hall, and out walked the most popular superstar in the fWEo...the newly-crowned Undisputed Wominternopean North Dakotan Janitorjobberweight Champion, Waru.
Well, okay, he didn't exactly "walk out" into the arena.
He was underneath the ring, and he unknowingly crawled out, and was ordered by the normal referee that the ring was right behind him.
"Um...gimme a push?", Waru asked him.
"That's Sphere's job. Or, in today's case, Scott Hart's.", the ref told him.
"DAMMIT! Not Scott Hart! NOT!", yelled a voice over the PA system.
Texas Kid complains about once again being referred to as Scott Hart, but has no problem with Mongo just naming himself the referee for this match.
"Haha, I get it! When I said "push", you thought I meant...", Waru started to say, before Greene leaned in between the first and second rope, grabbing Waru by the mask with his teeth. The ref came to the conclusion that Waru's mask was made of some quality material as Greene pulled the champion into the ring. Mongo called for Cow to moo, beginning the first fall, which was for the North Dakotan Janitorweight Title.
Waru, quite used to having dogs and dog-like creatures grab him by the scruff of the neck, did the only thing he could think of.
Greene collapsed, and Waru fell right on top of him. Mongo dropped down, and counted to three, with Greene kicking out a second too late.
Or did he?
Mongo grabbed the mic. "Bay-ba, ah forgot to mention that this match is under Mongo Rules, and Mongo Rules states that in order to win the match, hot doggie, you gotta pin your opponent for FIVE seconds, bay-ba, OH YEAH!" Mooney cries like the little bitch that he is, as, back in the ring, Greene and Waru get to their feet. Greene charges at Waru and "hits" him with a big boot. Problem is, Waru can't see anything, so he, like, TOTALLY no-sells it, you know? Greene gets REALLY confused, and sicne he's also hungry, he bails to the outside and starts digging into Zbyszko's pockets. Mooney laughs uproariously at his broadcast colleague while Waru is left to deal with Mongo in the ring.
If you've seen the match between Lance Storm and Mike Awesome at New Blood Rising, you know where this match is going. If not...basically, Jacques Rougeau was the referee and obviously favoring Storm. Awesome had won the match, but then Rougeau stated that the match wasn't over, because according to the Canadian Rulebook, you must pin your opponent for five seconds.
Mongo goes for an eye gouge, but Waru beats him to it, poking himself in the eyes. "OW! My eyes! Oh my God, this really, really hur...wait. I can't see, so that means it's impossible for my eyes to feel pain!", Waru said aloud to himself.
"That don't make no gull-durn sense, bay-ba, oh NO!", Mongo told him.
Mongo is actually correct. Who would've thunk it?
"YOU don't make any sense!", Waru tells Mongo, pointing to the front row.
"Well lookie what promotion we're uh-workin' for, BAY-ba."
"I CAN'T look, stupid-head."
This argument is enough to distract Waru long enough, as Greene has given up on trying to get food from Zbyszko, and he's now climbing to the top rope. However, he's drooling so much that his saliva gets all over the top turnbuckle, and he slips. Ever the opportunist, Mongo shoves Waru toward the falling Greene, and Greene falls right on top of Waru. Mongo drops down, and Greene only gets a four-count, as Waru kicks out. It was probably an accident or a muscle spasm or something.
Whenever I had someone who was best known as being a loser/jobber/whatever kick out of a pinfall attempt, I pretty much ALWAYS blamed it on a muscle spasm.
Waru attempts to get to his feet, grabbing onto Greene for support, and he somehow ends up putting Greene in a dragon sleeper. Waru gets to his feet and starts turning around in circles, "looking" for his opponent, unaware that he has him trapped in a submission hold. Greene taps out, and Waru asks him kindly to stop gently smacking his arm. When he won't stop, Waru simply lets go, not knowing that he has just won the fall as a result of a submission.
On the other hand, Mongo has a different plan.
"Oh no no no, bay-ba. Mongo Rules says that you can't win by submission! You gots ta pin the man!"
Another rule change that Rougeau made during the Storm-Awesome match.
"Why are you telling me I can't win by submission? That's totally irrelevant at this point in the match. Tell me that when I actually put him in a submission hold, alright?", Waru tells Mongo as he leans over the top rope and points at Cow.
Mongo pulls Waru away from the ropes and shoves him. Naturally, this doesn't sit too well with Waru.
"Hey, how'd that little girl get into the ring?"
A rightfully-angered Mongo shoves Waru again, this time just a bit harder, right into a rollup from Greene. Mongo drops down and makes the five-count, all while Waru complains about security letting little girls do unscripted run-ins. Cow moos, signaling the end of the first fall, and Mongo raises Greene's hand in victory, as we have a new North Dakotan Janitorweight Champion.
Cow moos again, as the second fall starts. Back at the commentator's table, both Mooney and Zbyszko are coming close to having heart attacks, as they hammer the point home that if Greene wins this fall, Waru retains the Wominternopean Jobberweight Title, meaning the nWo Elite have screwed with tradition and split up the Undisputed Wominternopean North Dakotan Janitorjobberweight Championship.
The two belts have only been unified for about three months at this point.
Greene charges at Waru and clotheslines him, but Waru doesn't fall.
"Why you not go splickity-splat on that there match, bay-ba?", Mongo asks Waru.
"He hit me?", Waru asked.
Greene went to scratch his head with his foot, and part of his foot brushed against Waru's hand ever-so-slightly, sending Waru crashing to the mat.
Greene seizes the opportunity, dropping down on all fours and repeatedly headbutting Waru.
"I don't know who keeps slamming that door on my head, but for God's sakes, we're in the women's bathroom, and the women's bathroom is no place for repeated door-slammings!", Waru shouts.
Greene stops headbutting Waru and covers him, but only gets a three-count. Both men get up to their feet, but Waru isn't sure about something.
"Um, was I supposed to kick out there?"
Mongo is puzzled at this question. "Bay-ba, you...um...what the maflargabah?"
"Heh. I don't know who you are, but your promo skills absolutely suck. Whoops...maybe I shouldn't insult people. After all, I'm the face in this match. Hey, I wonder if that Kevin Greene guy knows that this business is a work."
Mongo's had just about enough of Waru's kayfabe-breaking, so he picks him up and gives him the Mongo Spike, also known as "a very sloppy Tombstone Piledriver". Mongo points to Greene.
"Roll over, bay-ba, whoo doggy!"
Greene rolls onto his back, and Mongo throws him a milkbone, which he catches with his mouth. As Greene enjoys his treat, Mongo throws Waru on top of him, and makes a fast five-count, giving the second fall to Waru, and the Wominternopean Jobberweight Title to Greene.
Yes, it was all a SWERVE. It seems that the nWo Elite wanted to keep the title intact after all. Surely dark days are ahead for the fWEo.
That is, if the days in fWEo can get any darker.
Waru was always scheduled to be a transitional champion. Since Mongo and Greene were clearly one-dimensional characters, I figured this would at least get them over as "dastardly heels". The plan was always to have Waru beat Nine for the undisputed title and make a big deal out of the fact that someone in fWEo was an "undisputed champion", despite the fact that Nine held that title for a few months already (ties into the whole "no one knows Nine exists" angle). Waru was one of the most over guys on the roster, and definitely THE most over "new guy", so in order to get Mongo and Greene over as more than just "the guy who says "bay-ba"" and "the guy who acts like a dog", it made sense to have them screw over someone who was pretty popular. And it's not like that was it for Waru, as you'll see in the next few shows.