WR4I (wer4idiots) wrote,

WrestleActionZone -- 04/13/03 (3 of 3)

RENNER: So, the story behind this match was to combine the Wominternopean Jobberweight Title, created by Bort, and the North Dakotan Janitorweight Title, created by me. We brought our respective jobber titles after fWEo opened. Heftel had the Jobberweight Title, and Ken War originally had the Janitorweight Title until he lost it to Zotan of Gribblfitz of 21st Century Wrestling. We had to retrieve the title from Zotan by making Nitro Girl Siren win it from him. Janitor Nine, meanwhile, won the Jobberweight Title by being pinned by Mike Heftel at the end of the Jobber of the Year tournament. Then Nine merged the two titles into the Undisputed Wominternopean North Dakotan Janitorjobberweight Championship, an obvious parody of WWE's "Undisputed Championship", when he got lucky and got to pin Siren after she slipped on some marbles. I had to recap this here because... well, we didn't do that in the match itself.

Mooney: Okay, so, apparently... there's this bum who wants to call himself a champion, and Waru, like, totally disagreed with him. And so, we're here!

Zbyszko: Wow. That backstory was... not really that long at all.

Most of the backstories for WAZ were just ridiculously long, but this one? Not so much.

Mooney: I know! Can you believe it?

Zbyszko: Shut up.

Mooney: Wait... wait a second... I'm being told that this match is apparently going to start in a backlot.

Zbyszko: This "backlot" looks suspiciously familiar.

This is the Wrestlemania XII parody, as it featured a Hollywood Backlot Brawl.

Mooney: Well, it should. It's actually the parking lot in this arena. Look, there's MY car!

Zbyszko: What, the Pinto?

Mooney: Yes, isn't it a lovely car?

Zbyszko: Maybe in YOUR checkmated universe. And what's Horowitz doing out in the parking lot?

Horowitz: This contest IS scheduled for ridiculousness and quite possibly a unicycle-related joke or two. It's also scheduled for a blind man that only a slapnutz would care about and a bum nobody cares about. We'd also like to schedule this for a pinfall victory, because the bum didn't set the rules going in, as he is a moron. Folks, I'm just reading off of this card that Sphere gave me.

Nine: Okay, so, am I the blind man? `Cause I can see pretty well, actually... :-/

Horowitz: I was talking about Waru.

Nine: :-(

Waru: Hey, uh... could someone direct me to... you know... the match?

Mooney: Oh my! Waru tried to open that door, but only the bottom half opened and Waru just ran right into it!

And this... was the Wrestlemania X-8 parody, I believe.

Waru: Who hit me!? I'll get you for that!

Zbyszko: Look at that! No psychology! No selling! No conditioning! This man will NEVER be a pawn in the human game of chess!

Waru: I'm a mean bishop, though. Uh... say... am I actually... you know... here?

Nine: You're here.

Waru: Why, thank you, stranger!

Nine: I'm not a stranger! I've been here since the fWEo first started! :-/

Waru: As what? The popcorn vendor?

Nine: Alright, that's it! I'm sick of being ignored! You're all a bunch of meanieheads, and I'm not gonna stand this any longer! >:o

Mooney: And Nine runs right into a unicycle!

Nine: Ow! Where'd that come from!? :'(

Zbyszko: THIS is supposedly a guy who's a champion around here? I was a better AWA champion!

Mooney: I could've been a better AWA champion than you.

I think that statement might be true, given that it went even further downhill after Zbyszko won the title.

Zbyszko: Shut up.

Waru: Hey, what's this shiny thing? Well, okay, I wouldn't know if it's shiny or not, since I can't bloody SEE it, but I bet it is shiny!

Mooney: Oh no! Waru's mounted that unicycle!

Zbyszko: Look at that!

Crockett: LOOK AT THAT!

Zbyszko almost walked right into that one.

Zbyszko: Oh my god, where did YOU come from?

Crockett: Now, see, Tony... you just gotta LOOK... AT.... THAT!


Crockett: LoooOOOookkk aaattt... *falls over*

Zbyszko: I've waited a long time to do that.

Mooney: Look out!

Zbyszko: Hey! You can't run people over with a unicycle, can you?


Mooney: Oh!

Zbyszko: Ow.

Mooney: Eeeeeee!

Zbyszko: I've NEVER seen anyone trip over someone with a unicycle and manage to fall face-first onto the hood of a Pinto before!

Mooney: :-(

Zbyszko: The bum's got the pin!

Nine: Hey, where's the referee? :-(

Referee: So, I was thinking about trying to start up a family or something. You got any kids, Horowitz?

Horowitz: This contest was NOT scheduled for kids.

Referee: Oh, I see. You think Siren would go for a guy in a striped sh--

Horowitz: It is ALSO not scheduled for hell freezing over.

Referee: Damn it.

That joke still gets chuckles from me even now.

Zbyszko: That damn referee, always straying away from the human game of chess. In my day, if a referee even so much as moved away from the action, he was fired and the wrestlers got to beat his ass around for an hour.

Mooney: And this is why we're all very happy to be away from your day.

Zbyszko: I retired Bockwinkel.

Mooney: My mother could retire Bockwinkel.

Zbyszko: You still LIVE with your mom!

Okay, I added that last line just now.

Nine: Hey, you meaniehead! Match? Referee? :-(

Referee: What about Claire? Think she'd go for me?

Horowitz: This contest remains a no-hell-freezing-over bout, scheduled for no temperatures under a hundred and twenty degrees.

Referee: Sarah the Jobber Slayer?

Horowitz: That contest is scheduled for ONE Angel!

Adam Nowell: *from off-screen* God dammit, you can have her if you want.

Nine: Ref? :-/

Referee: What?!

Nine: Um, I was just hoping you'd, like, referee... :-(

Referee: Not for a match involving a BUM.

Nine: But it's for the Undisputed Wominternopean North Dakotan Janitorjobberweight Championship! :-D

Referee: With a name like that, it's no wonder YOU'RE the champion.

Nine: :-(

Waru: Uh, hey... I kinda hit my face on something. It really hurt. What was it?

Referee: It, uh, appears to be a Pinto.

Waru: *backs away suddenly* I feel unclean just touching that!

I've never been near a Pinto.

Crockett: LOOK AT THAT!

Zbyszko: Oh, god, didn't I punch you? *turns to Mooney* I punched him, didn't I?

Mooney: Meow?

Zbyszko: ...I hope you both die.

Nine: Hey, you big meanie! Come on and look me in the eye! >:o

Waru: Alright, that's it! I've HAD IT with these blind jokes! Diiiieee!


Mooney: Um. Waru just tripped over the unicycle and headbutted Nine right in his... uh... four and a halves, I'd say.

His balls.

Referee: *sigh* The blind one's on top of the stupid one. Should I just make the pin?

Horowitz: This contest WAS scheduled for one fall, you know.

Mooney: One!

Mooney: Two!

Mooney: THREE!

Zbyszko: This was an embarassment to the human game of chess.

Mooney: Look at Waru celebrate! It's almost as if he's blindly jumping ar-- oh, wait a second.


Zbyszko: And he just landed right on your Pinto again.

Mooney: :-(

Mooney: Well, Living Legend, it's time.

Zbyszko: The show's over? Finally, I can go back to my hotel room and screw Verne Gagne's grand-daughter!

BORT: I've said it before...I had no idea Zbyszko had actually married Gagne's daughter at this point. This means that the woman he intends on sleeping with later on would either be his daughter or niece. Gah.

Mooney: No, no! It's time for the main event!

Zbyszko: You're mocking me, Mooney.

Mooney: I'd like to say a special hello to those watching us on fWo Sunday Night Slaughter, on NBC.

Zbyszko: NBC? Are we allowed to say that on-air?

Since this was held on a Sunday, it meant that at least some of the show would be running head-to-head with fWo's Slaughter, so I figured it'd be a good idea to put this match on Slaughter as well and promote it as a simulcast. I'm shocked that no fWo fans complained, especially with how long the match ended up being.

Mooney: It's pay-per-view. We can say anything.

Zbyszko: But we're on UPN!

Mooney: That is correct. Folks, this match has been in the making for quite some time. Black Quicksilver and Sphere had been feuding on-and-off in the fWo for the past three years, and their rivalry reached a new level when they both became a part of the "new" fWo, which would later become the fWEo, this past summer.

Zbyszko: What does "fWEo" stand for anyway?

Mooney: Please, Living Legend. Allow me to continue.

Zbyszko: I'll allow you to do nothing, PAWN.

Mooney: Wow, that...um...lemme see here...

Zbyszko: What is that?

Mooney: If the rest of your insults are going to be like that one, you may as well get up and put a five year-old in your chair.

Zbyszko: You're reading that from a piece of paper that Jackhammer gave you! I knew something was up when I saw you two talking before the show! You've been reading from that thing all night long!

Mooney: You are correct once again. Now, to get back to the story here...when Sphere started to run the fWo, he immediately became embroiled in a feud with Senor Funpants, who, coincidentally, was a member of the Four Horsemen along with Black Quicksilver. Soon, the old fWo had returned, causing Sphere to change the name of his company to the fWEo. Black Quicksilver ended up on both rosters, and that didn't sit well with Sphere.

Zbyszko: It didn't sit well with me, either. I hate that Quicksilver. He should be the sole property of the fWo and only be used to put the new guys over.

This was pretty much all BQ did in the fWo from late-2000 until late-2001.

Mooney: Furthermore, Funpants had defeated Sphere several times, and Sphere decided to make Funpants his right-hand man, instead of feuding with him any longer. BQ and Funpants ended up being co-winners of the 30-man Royal Battle battle royal, in which the winner would meet Sphere to determine the first ever Sphere Heavyweight Champion. Because they both won the match, Sphere had no choice but to make this a triangle match, but is confident that he'll win, since he has Funpants on his side.

A bit of background here...this match was originally supposed to be just Funpants vs. Sphere for the title, as Funpants was to be the sole winner of the Royal Battle battle royal. And of course, since Sphere always lost/got absolutely destroyed in his big matches, Funpants was walking away with the belt. BQ was originally going to team with Wretch in a 4-way for the WWA Tag Titles, with one of the other teams being Mega Job. Team Lightning had always dreamed of being the greatest tag team in the history of World Wrestling All-Stars (indy promotion that ran primarily out of Austrailia), and were going to win the titles at WAZ to finally realize that dream. Then of course Andy had to go disappear literally halfway through the angle. The entire structure of the Tag Title match was switched around, as you saw earlier, and BQ was added to this match, with Comey deciding the outcome.

Zbyszko: Will Senor Funpants prove that he is the true king, or is he simply a pawn in Sphere's game in human chess?

Mooney: You already used the "pawn" joke.

Zbyszko: Did not.

Mooney: You used it two minutes ago!

Zbyszko: I can use it whenever I want. I was AWA World Champion. Were you?

Mooney: I once defeated a three-foot tall stuffed Underdog.

Zbyszko: It's guys like you who give legends like myself a bad name.

Mooney: Alright, alright...let's go to Barry Horowitz with the introductions for this EPIC contest.

Horowitz: Ladies and gentlemen, it is now time for the MAIN EVENT! It is a triangle match, scheduled for one fall, and it will determine the first-ever SPHERE HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONNNNNNN! Ladies and gentleman...are you ready?

Horowitz: ARE...YOU......RRRRRRRREADY?

Horowitz: Then...ladies and gentlemen....LLLLLLLET'S GET READY TO REIURPMLKFMFSDJBLE!

Horowitz can't say "let's get ready to rumble" because Michael Buffer would sue his ass.

Mooney: I'm getting goosebumps!

Zbyszko: I'm getting the urge to jab pencils into my ears.

Horowitz: First, making his way to the ring...hailing from Harrisburg, the capital of the GREAT STATE of Pennsylvaaaaaaania....he weighs in at 265 pounds....wearing pink hotpants....SENORRRRRRRRRR FUNNNNNNPANNNNNTSSSSSS!

Zbyszko: This is my pick to win this match. Just thought I'd let you know ahead of time, Little Bitch.

Mooney: I appreciate the thought, Living Legend.

Horowitz: And now, making his way to the ring...hailing from Norfolk, Virginia...he weighs in at a spry 210 pounds...he is a former 6-time fWo Cruiserweight Champion...a former 3-time Wominternopean Jobberweight Champion...he is the ONLY person in the history of the fWo to hold the prestigious fWo European Title...wearing the black mask, long black tights, and completing the ensemble with a t-shirt that reads "Why can't Mr. Fork and Mrs. Lightsocket ever get along?"...BLAAAAAAAAAAAAACK QUICKSILVERRRRRRR!

I know I got the "Mr Fork and Mrs. Lightsocket" joke from SOMEWHERE....maybe I actually saw it on a shirt. As Renner mentioned earlier, it's been over five years since we wrote this show.

Mooney: Living Legend, this is the man who will carry this promotion into the next century.

Zbyszko: You're friggin' insane, Mooney! We're all gonna be dead by then! Probably from watching this guy's matches.

Mooney: I find that to be totally untrue.

Zbyszko: You've got to be kidding me. Even if a new century began tomorrow, this guy wouldn't be able to carry an empty basket, let alone an entire promotion.

Horowitz: And now...the final participant in this match...from what he tells me, he's the greatest of them all...he hails from London, Florida and weighs in at 15 stone, even though that gimmick died almost a year ago...he's a former fWo Tag Team Champion, holding both belts by himself, apparently...he's the Father, the Son, the Holy Spirit, the Pope, and the Virgin Mary all rolled into one...ladies, and only ladies...THIS....IS...SPHERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRE!

Sphere: Goddamn carts. I SO wanted to ride one to the ring. A golden one, perhaps. Golden...golden arches...McDonalds? Yes...McDonalds. Funpants!

Mooney: Sphere is calling Funpants to come out to the arena floor...

Funpants: Yeah?

Sphere: I'm hungry. Go get me some McNuggets.

Funpants: But we got a match right now...

Sphere: Yeah, against HIM. Do you really think people will care if it's delayed for a little while?

I might have done this just to draw the match out...it WAS the main event after all. I figured this would definitely piss the fWo fans off, since I was used to them bitching if my matches went over a certain length, but I guess they let me slide on this one since it wasn't on a pay-per-view.

Funpants: Alright, alright. I'll go get your McNuggets. But only if you treat me to a Big Mac and fries.

Sphere: Deal.

BQ: Hey guys, I hear someone's making a run to McDonalds?

Sphere: You heard correctly.

BQ: Hey, could you pick me up some McNuggets, too? Make it a 9-piece. Ooh, and some fries...and a medium Dr. Pepper.

Sphere: Got all that, Funpants?

Funpants: Yeah, but it's not my fault if the order gets screwed up.

Sphere: That's what everyone says to their friends when they go to McDonalds to pick up their food. You're lucky I'm still paying for your fries after using a tired joke like that.

Zbyszko: Funpants is outta here!

Mooney: Senor Funpants has, apparently, just gone on a McDonald's run, leaving Black Quicksilver and Sphere out here...Sphere climbing into the ring...

Sphere: If he's not back in thirty minutes, I'm swiping his fries when he DOES get here.

BQ: Alright, but just stay away from my Dr. Pepper. It gives me the energy I need.

Sphere: I thought that was Vanilla Coke.

I was addicted to Vanilla Coke at the time, so by proxy, BQ was as well.

BQ: They don't have that at McDonalds.

Sphere: The nerve.

Zbyszko: I thought Quicksilver was addicted to Jolt Red Eye, myself.

Mooney: Wait, are we allowed to say "Jolt"? After all, we're being simulcast on an fWo television program, and from what I heard several years ago, we're not allowed to say that word for some reason. Instead, we're supposed to say "soda sounding fed".

Zbyszko: What group of morons came up with THAT one?

I also liked Jolt Red Eye, especially if I had to wake up early and go somewhere. Jolt was another e-fed that was running...hell, I don't know if it was still running at this point, but at one time, Eron was running it (I'm pretty sure someone else was in charge before him) and during that period there was supposedly this unwritten rule that you couldn't mention Jolt by name in the fWo Chat or the fan board. I'm totally blanking on the time period here...it might have been right around the time this show happened...but I do remember just coming out and referring to Jolt by name during one of the chats and no one knew what the hell to do. It should be known that no kind of mandate was ever passed down that we weren't supposed to mention it by name, the whole thing was just started by a bunch of paranoid members and fans. Why? Got me. I do know that later on Eron decreed that anyone who had a character in fWo couldn't have one in Jolt, and had to pick between the two.

Sphere: So, Quicksilver...any luck with Claire yet?

BQ: Eh...

Sphere: I take that as a "no"?

BQ: Hey, I'm a pussy, what can I say?

Sphere: But you MUST tell her! I mean, come on, it's not like she's gonna turn on the TV one day and see you talking to your worst enemy about her!

BQ: Man, would THAT suck.

It was obvious to anyone who would watch an fWo program on TV that BQ had a crush on Claire. Naturally, as is the case with many people who work for a wrestling company whose programs are televised globally, Claire apparently never watched any tapes and found this out for herself.

Sphere: Tell me about it. Watch out, though...she's a tough one. She kicked me in the magumbas several times when we were dating. Of course, she didn't know it was me while we were dating, but whenever I wasn't wearing that mask, WHAM. Right in the halos.

This would be the time that Sphere and Chris Titan switched off on who got to parade around as a wrestler named Red Dragon. Yes, it was a haphazardly-thrown together angle that definitely wasn't planned from the start, but it DID kick off Sphere's career as a heel.

BQ: Ah, yes, those were the days. I believe you were also addicted to Surge around that time.

Sphere: Yes, and now a bottle containing that liquid serves as my personal assistant.

BQ: How's it doing?

Sphere: Been busy tonight. It's our biggest show ever.

The bottle of Surge was the only roster member that hadn't appeared on the show and there was no plan for it to do, so I figured I'd at least make a reference to it.

BQ: Must be a bit taxing on the poor thing.

Sphere: Yup. And boy am I glad that it isn't female, if you know what I mean. Ho ho, time of the month! A-hahaha!

Mooney: Um, I don't know how this is possible, but I've just gotten word that we're going to check in with Senor Funpants, who is currently ordering the food...

Funpants: No. I want a 6-piece and a 9-piece.

Cashier: Are you sure you don't just want a 20-piece?

Funpants: If I wanted a 20-piece, I would've told you that I wanted a 20-piece.

Mooney: It appears as if he's having trouble...maybe we'll check back with him later.

BQ: So...you ended up being the guy who stole Bigelow's Hanes, huh?

Sphere: Oh, man. Don't remind me. I SHOULD have known all along that it was me!

BQ: How'd you get away from him?

Even though I had planned all along for Bigelow to chase Sphere after Sphere revealed that he was the one who stole Bigelow's underwear, I hadn't planned on how to explain the fact that Sphere would just come out for his match and Bigelow would be nowhere to be found, so I just threw this little story out there.

Sphere: Well, I lost him for a few seconds, and in that few seconds, I managed to find a life-size cardboard cut-out of myself, and stood it up right in front of my locker room. I then proceeded to hide behind a bunch of boxes.

BQ: Oh, so he destroyed the cardboard cut-out and you got away?

Sphere: Not exactly. I knocked over the boxes right when he entered the general vicinity, and then he grabbed be my shirt, which I didn't appreciate, since it's, you know, MY shirt. Luckily, Mongo and Kevin Greene happened to walk by at that moment, and they conversed with Bigelow about who should become the next American Idol, allowing me to escape.

Mooney: Let's check back in with Funpants...

Funpants: I *ordered* three medium fries! There's no need to ask if I "want fries with that"!

Zbyszko: Funpants isn't doing so good. That young woman behind the counter is about to put him in check with her rooks.

BQ: Hey, that Waru match was pretty good.

Sphere: Yes. It's about time Waru got the recognition he so truly deserves.

BQ: Yeah. Seems like only yesterday he was spying on our slumber parties.

Sphere: Mmm-hmm. I'll tell you something, that other guy kind of impressed me, too. I may sign him.

BQ: Thweet.

Nine: I'm standing righ-- OOF.

Sphere: Get that bum out of here! Security!

Mooney: I don't know who that guy is, but our invisible security is dragging him away!

I'm pretty sure the "invisible security" thing was Renner's creation. And I gotta point out how Nine loses his title(s) and apparently becomes even LESS visible, since no one noticed him until Sphere told BQ he might sign him on as a member of the fWEo roster. Then again, Sphere usually acknowledged Nine's presence when no one else would, but thought he was just some random homeless guy.

Zbyszko: If he wanted my autograph, all he had to do was ask. You know, back in my day, fans used to sneak into the ring during battle royals! Back in '89, when I won the AWA World Title in a battle royal, I thought I was throwing around some 15 year-old punk in there before I noticed his tights said "Zenk". Wonder whatever happened to that guy.

Sphere: That's a nice shirt you got there.

BQ: Thanks.

Sphere: Hot Topic?

BQ: Good Times.

Sphere: Ah.

Good Times is a store in Neshaminy Mall, the mall I work at, but back then it was just a mall I went to. If you're looking for band t-shirts, it's a much better place to shop than Hot Topic. I should also point out that Hot Topic wasn't THAT overrun by fake goth kids five years ago, as that trend wouldn't start until about a year later.

Mooney: And back to Funpants...

Cashier: There you go. Would you like any sauce for the nuggets?

Funpants: No.

Cashier: You sure?

Funpants: No, I'm not. I just said "no" to screw with you.

Cashier: Are you hitting on me?

Mooney: Funpants is on his way back to the Manhattan Center!

Come to think of it, I have no idea if there's a McDonald's anywhere near Manhattan Center. Even if there is, it was made clear that Funpants drove there, and I'm pretty sure everyone knows how hectic driving in NYC can be.

BQ: You know, people are gonna hate this match.

Sphere: *Gonna*?

Another reference to how this was also being included on an fWo show. I'd venture to say all of our fans were originally fWo fans, but since we were running for almost a year at this point, there was a chance that some people who followed fWEo either weren't fWo fans anymore or never were in the first place.

BQ: Ah...gotcha.

Mooney: And here comes Funpants...with the food!

Zbyszko: That Funpants is one fast driver.

Sphere: Ooh, our food!

Mooney: Funpants now sliding the food into the ring...

BQ: Wait...there's no way we're gonna eat all this food off the mat...

Sphere: I see your point.

Zbyszko: When's this match gonna start, Mooney? I wanna get out of here!

Mooney: I'm not entirely sure, Living Legend, but Sphere's pulling something out from underneath the ring...I think that's a picnic blanket!

Sphere: Here we are...let's just set this down, and we'll be good to go.

Mooney: All three superstars are now sitting on the blanket and have started to enjoy their meal!

Zbyszko: We're calling a DINNER?

Sphere: I LOVE McNuggets....but...Quicksilver...I can't help but notice that you got a 9-piece.

BQ: Yup.

Sphere: What are you trying to say? You can eat three more McNuggets than ME?

BQ: I'm not SAYING I can...I believe I'm actually doing it.

Sphere: Funpants...hit him.

Funpants: Can't you see I'm eating?

Sphere: No, I'm wearing a blindfold.

BQ: No you're not.

Mooney: Sphere nails BQ in the head with his large Sprite!

Sphere had to settle for Sprite since Surge had been discontinued years ago.

Cow: Moo.

Mooney: This match is underway!

Sphere: Get him, pa!

Mooney: Funpants picks Quicksilver up in a gorilla press...and turns it into a powerslam! Cover!

Mooney: 1!

Mooney: 2!

Sphere: Achoo!

Mooney: And Sphere breaks up the pin by stomping on Funpants!

Funpants: What the hell was that for?

Sphere: I sneezed! You better not have pissed off whoever it was that made our food...cause if you DID, I'm blaming my cold on YOU!

Funpants: You don't have a cold. That was the fakest sounding sneeze I've ever heard in my life.

Sphere: Geez, what kind of life have you lived where you know alot of people who fake a sneeze?

Mooney: Quicksilver dropkicks Funpants, who crashes right into Sphere!

Zbyszko: That Quicksilver...always attacking from behind. He's a true villain of the squared circle.

Sphere: Nabisco...swear to God...if you call Quicksilver a villain again...your ass is...fired.

Zbyszko: Fired? What am I waiting for? Quicksilver is...

Sphere: No. Fried. I said "fried".

Zbyszko: Look at my skin! It looks like I've already BEEN fried!

Mooney: Maybe it's just age.

Zbyszko: Maybe I should put you in an abdominal stretch.

Mooney: Sphere getting up now as Quicksilver charges at Funpants...Funpants tosses Quicksilver over his head, and Quicksilver dropkicks Sphere to the outside!

Zbyszko: You know, Sphere sure sucks for someone who's the favorite to win this match.

Mooney: Sphere quickly getting to his feet and hopping up on the apron...

Sphere: You know, I'm already sick and tired of being the ragdoll in this match...

Mooney: Quicksilver goes for an Irish whip...reversed...but Quicksilver reverses it again...

Sphere: ...and that's what I'm gonna do with Siren AND Claire AND the title belt later on toni...

Sphere breaks the cardinal rule of talking aloud to himself when the focus isn't on him.

Mooney: And Funpants runs RIGHT into Sphere!

Zbyszko: He landed in the fifth row, Mooney! That Funpants has power.

Mooney: But it was Black Quicksilver who whipped Funpants into Sphere.

Zbyszko: Funpants let him do it.

Mooney: Funpants turns around...Quicksilver hooks him for the Cubic Zirconium Cutter...Funpants pushes Quicksilver off...

BQ: Wheeee!

Mooney: Quicksilver off the ropes, Funpants drops down, Quicksilver leaps over him, off the ropes, Sphere pulls the ropes down...um...a few seconds too late.

Sphere: Dammit!

Mooney: Funpants goes for a hiptoss...reversed by Quicksilver, who goes for a hiptoss of his own...that's blocked...Quicksilver kicks Funpants in the gut, puts his leg over Funpants' head, flips backward...Funpants misses a clothesline right as Sphere re-enters the ring...Quicksilver leaps at Sphere...hurricanrana!

Zbyszko: Since when did you become a credible play-by-play man?

Mooney: I was unware that I had reached the status of "credible".

Zbyszko: Who says you have? I was just asking a rhetorical question.

Mooney: It appears as if Sphere and Funpants are going to work together to vanquish Black Quicksilver, Living Legend.

Zbyszko: I could've told you that MONTHS ago, Captain Obvious.

Mooney: You're old. And bald. And fat.

Zbyszko: Don't mock me unless you want me to take your Bucky O'Hare toys away from you.

Sphere: Up, wait, watch us now!

Mooney: Sphere and Funpants somersault toward Quicksilver and they each grab an ankle and trip him!

Zbyszko: What a remarkable display of an attempt at putting their opponent in checkmate.

Mooney: Funpants goes for a legdrop, but Quicksilver rolls out of the way...Sphere goes for a somersault splashorsomethingorother...Quicksilver evades that, as well! Standing moonsault attempt on Sphere....Sphere moves...but gets hit with a senton from Funpants!

Sphere: What the HELL are you doing?

Funpants: You were the next one in line! Isn't that how these things work?

Sphere: Get off of me!

A generic indy-riffic spot.

Mooney: Sphere pushes Funpants off...Quicksilver goes for a clothesline on Funpants...Funpants ducks...Sphere ducks as well...but Quicksilver bounces off the ropes and comes back...clothesline for Sphere!

Zbyszko: And Funpants clotheslines Quicksilver! What a tremendous display of skill!

Mooney: Quicksilver and Sphere hop to their feet, and we have a three-way standoff!

BQ: Um...aren't people supposed to be clapping?

Sphere: For YOU?

BQ: For all of us.

Another indy spot in which both guys (or three in this case since it's a triangle match) have a stand-off after a series of moves, just to have the crowd applaud their athletic skills.

Sphere: That would include YOU.

Mooney: SuperQuick Silver Kick for Sphere!

Zbyszko: He almost took Sphere's head off! If he gets the job done next time, MAYBE I'll cheer for the Intelligent, Sensational Destroyer.

Mooney: That's Black Quicksilver.

Zbyszko: Whoever.

And thus beings a side joke of Zbyszko confusing masked wrestlers.


Zbyszko: Who gets all excited over a drop-toe-hold? Sure, it was considered a high-risk move back in my day, but these days you got your Spanish Flys and your Storm Cradle Drivers and what-not.

The drop-toe-hold was a deadly maneuver back in the old days of the fWo.

Mooney: Quicksilver...is he gonna go for it? Yes! He's going to go for the 215!

Zbyszko: He's a moron.

Mooney: Well...I just came up with that name right now.

I seriously hated how a bunch of indy guys started to steal the 619 and re-name it to fit the area code that they came from/wrestled in.

Zbyszko: Okay, you're an even bigger moron that I originally thought. And that Quicksilver still sucks, regardless of who names his moves.

Mooney: Quicksilver goes for it...but...gets tangled into the ropes!

BQ: Why must I be so unflexible? Help!

Mooney: Quicksilver is stuck! His arms and legs are flailing in a rather comical fashion! And now Sphere...is that a feather? Wait...I know whose feather that is!

BQ: You...wouldn't...dare.

Sphere: Oh, I would.

BQ: C'mon...I mean, especially with THAT feather...

Zbyszko: I never thought I'd call a match where one guy starts tickling the other with the feather of his former tag team partner.

Wretch's favorite foreign object was a feather.


Mooney: Quicksilver falls out of the ropes and onto the mat...Sphere's going up top...

Zbyszko: Funpants is playing it smart here...he's watching as the two guys with no talent destroy one another!

Mooney: I think Sphere's going to go for a moonsault...or perhaps he'll turn around in mid-air and go for one of those corkscrew things. They're all the rage nowadays.

Zbyszko: So is 50 Cent, but you don't see me driving around in my car and listening to that crap while pretending to be a badass.

TOTALLY dated reference right there.

Mooney: That feather must not have had a great effect on Quicksilver, because now he's on the middle turnbuckle...he's gonna give Sphere a German suplex!

Zbyszko: And now Funpants is on the bottom turnbuckle! He's gonna suplex the Cuban Assassin!

Mooney: Black Quicksilver.

Zbyszko: Whatever.

Sphere: Wait...wait...what exactly are we doing here?

BQ: Well, I'm guessing Funpants is gonna suplex my ass of this here turnbuckle, but I'm gonna take you with me, and you'll probably land right on your head...that is, if you don't break your back on the post all the way across the ring.

Another spot taken from various indy feds that would be performed in multi-man matches. At least two guys would get powerbombed and/or suplexed off the ropes at the same time...the more guys involved the crappier it would look.

Sphere: Holy crap, we're gonna go flying THAT far?

BQ: Probably.

Sphere: I don't wanna do this.

BQ: Neither do I. Besides, I'm betting this looks a little gay right now. Funpants?

Funpants: You think I'm ENJOYING this?

Sphere: Okay, it's settled. We'll all calmly and carefully get down off these ropes. Me first.

Just picture the position they were all in for a second. Now you know why it's a very bad idea for Sphere to try and get down FIRST.

Mooney: Sphere slips on the top rope and falls right into Quicksilver...who causes Funpants to go over, and Quicksilver lands right on Funpants' face!

Sphere: Quicksilver, I'm placing the blame on you.

BQ: Why?

Funpants: MY FACE!

Sphere: Because I hate you.

BQ: I hate you, too. Can I blame you for something?

Sphere: No.

BQ: Oh. That sucks. So what are we gonna do about him? I heard he has a date later tonight, and his face is probably destroyed beyond repair after being crushed underneath my ass.

Sphere: Not to worry. I came prepared.

Even though BQ and Sphere are heated rivals, they've been rather cordial toward each other for most of this match. Also, Funpants isn't supposed to care much for BQ, yet somehow BQ is aware he has a date later tonight.

Mooney: Sphere pulls a mask out of his tights!

Zbyszko: He's putting it on Funpants! That's disgusting!

Sphere: There we go.

BQ: But now he looks like me!

Sphere: Small price to pay. Now, throw me over the top rope. I need some time to rest.

Mooney: BQ grabs Sphere and throws him over the top rope, onto the arena floor!

Sphere: Goddammit, Quicksilver! I was supposed to land on my feet!

Mooney: Sphere lying on his back in obvious pain as Funpants is finally getting to his feet back in the ring...

Zbyszko: He just noticed that he has that mask on...

Funpants: You! YOU did this to me!

BQ: Dude, where are you pointing?

Funpants: At you.

BQ: No, you're pointing at Cow.

Funpants: Oh.

Mooney: Quicksilver and Funpants now slowly walking around the squared circle, stretching their arms out, in an attempt to guide them across the ring...Quicksilver grabs a turnbuckle, and thinks it's Funpants!

BQ: Hey, you have a soft head!

Funpants: Wait a second....why are we doing this?

BQ: Huh?

Mooney: Quicksilver turns around and looks over at Funpants...

Funpants: We can both see through these masks...

BQ: Oh, I know.

Zbyszko: That explains ALOT, Mooney.

Jake "The Snake" Roberts and Rick Martel had a blindfold match at WM7. They could both obviously see through the "blindfolds", and while most people hated this match, I loved it. It was all psychology and most likely the easiest match of both men's careers. Here, BQ and Funpants stumble around the ring as if they're wearing blindfolds, even though they're just wearing normal wrestling masks. On top of that, BQ has ALWAYS worn a mask, so it makes zero sense for him to be acting the way he is.

Mooney: Sphere back up on the apron...

Sphere: Wait...which one is which? They're both wearing masks! It's like something straight out of my nightmares!

BQ: Uh...Sphere? Funpants' mask is red...and it has "SENOR FUNPANTS" written on it....in Sharpie, I might add.

Funpants: Sharpie? Seriously?

BQ: Yup.

Funpants: That's a quality marker.

Mooney: And Sphere reaches into the ring and hits Quicksilver with his backscratcher!

BQ: Why you little...

Zbyszko: Where'd he get the backscratcher from?

Sphere would generally pull his backscratcher out of practically nowhere and always no-sell it when someone asked where it came from.

Mooney: You work for the fWEo. You should know not to ask. Quicksilver hops out of the ring and is chasing Sphere...

Sphere: You're not gonna catch me, na-na-na-na-boo-boo!

Mooney: And Quicksilver catches Sphere!

Zbyszko: Hey, what's Funpants got?

Mooney: I don't know, but...he throws it right in the eyes of Black Quicksilver!

BQ: AGH! My eyes! And the area of my mask that's near my eyes!

Mooney: Quicksilver tumbles over the guardrail!

Marty Jannetty caught a face full of powder from Mr. Fuji during the Rockers-Orient Express match at WM6. I figured it'd make sense for BQ to re-enact this spot, complete with tumbling over the guardrail, since he was supposed to be the Jannetty of Team Lightning.

Sphere: See, I told you it would work!

Funpants: It's baking soda! Of course it worked!

Sphere: And you wanted to throw "no tears" baby powder at him.

Funpants: No, HE wanted us to throw "no tears" baby powder at him.

BQ: Somebody help me! It burns! It's also ideal for putting in your refrigerator and/or medicine cabinet!

I sure did love to write lines that said "such and such is ideal for such and such", didn't I?

Sphere: Go pull that crybaby out of the crowd. We don't want our fans to walk out on us just because Black Quicksilver was lying on their feet.

Funpants: Fans? Crowd? Which show are YOU at?

Sphere: A very GOOD one. Didi mau!

Funpants: Alright, fine. I'll go get him.

Mooney: Funpants pulling Quicksilver back over the guardrail and throwing him back into the ring...all three men are back in the ring now...

Zbyszko: And that's where they should be. It pisses me off when I see these "hardcore" matches. The ring's there...USE IT!

Mooney: Quicksilver appears to be in trouble here...

BQ: Guys, look...this match is running pretty long, and it's being shown on fWo television. I mean, we don't want another Summer Slaughter 2K1, do we?

Sphere: Quicksilver...first, I feel obligated to compliment you on referring to that year as "2K1". Second, what are YOU smoking? That was the greatest six-man tag...no...the greatest MATCH of all-time! Right, Funpants?

Funpants: Huh?

Sphere: The Summer Slaughter six-man tag. You no doubt recall it very fondly.

Funpants: And why's that?

Sphere: Because you were...

Jon Crisp was in the match in question. If I may break kayfabe here for a second...Crisp and Funpants were "played" by the same person. Every once in a while it'd be hinted on a show that this was the case, but never actually revealed.

Mooney: Quicksilver pokes Sphere in the eyes! And he follows it up with the Alpo!

Mooney: Funpants takes a swing at Quicksilver, Quicksilver ducks...Chihuahua! And the Silver Star Press! Cover!

The "chihuahua" was a full-nelson bulldog. I had no idea if this move was actually possible until I saw Jillian Hall do it on Raw a few months ago.

Mooney: 1!

Mooney: 2!

Mooney: No! Sphere breaks it up!

Zbyszko: That's the smartest thing Sphere's done this entire match.

Mooney: And Sphere plants Quicksilver with This Was Your Mum Last Night! Now he's going up top...could it be? Yes! The Holy Grail!

This Was Your Mum Last Night was the X-Factor move that X-Pac did. Think about it. Holy Grail was Sphere's finisher...I'm guessing, as referenced earlier, that it was still a shooting star press and not the modified version that ended with a legdrop.

Mooney: But Quicksilver moves!

Zbyszko: You know, he REALLY has to come up with new names for all of his moves.

Mooney: Quicksilver struggling to get to his feet...but Funpants is right behind him! Quicksilver turns around...and walks right into a fisherman's buster! Cover!

Mooney: 1!

Mooney: 2!

Mooney: No! Sphere just threw that feather at Funpants, breaking the count!

Funpants: What are you doing?

Sphere: Selling the missed Holy Grail.

Funpants: Not THAT. Why did you break up the count? I thought the whole point of this was to keep the belt off of him!

Sphere: Well, yeah...but we also want to get the belt on ME.

Funpants: YOU?

Sphere: Uh...YEAH! It's NAMED after me, for Christ sakes!

Funpants: You're the one who named it!

Sphere: Well, yeah.

Mooney: Quicksilver sneaks up...double noggin knocker!

Zbyszko: Now there's a maneuver that NEVER gets old.

Mooney: Sphere falls against the corner...Quicksilver clotheslines Funpants out of the ring! Now he sees Sphere...handspring elbow! Look at the athleticism of Black Quicksilver!

Zbyszko: The what? Is there such a thing?

Mooney: Funpants getting to his feet on the arena floor...Quicksilver off the ropes...and he goes up and over with a somersault plancha right onto Funpants! Quicksilver is a HOUSE EN FUEGO!

Zbyszko: I thought *I* was the one who figured all masked wrestlers were Mexican. And I don't care who you are...El Santo...Mil Mascaras...Perro Aguayo...Fuerza Guerrera...Giant Machine...you cross the Living Legend, you're ALL falling prey to my pretzel hold!

Giant Machine was Andre The Giant under a mask. Andre The Giant was NOT Mexican.

Mooney: Quicksilver getting back into the ring, but Sphere intercepts him! He's gonna try for the Tony Blair Driver here...no! Quicksilver jumps out of it...Jobber Dropper! Quicksilver's going up top! This could be it!

Tony Blair Driver = Falcon Arrow. Jobber Dropper = Rocker Dropper. Yes, that second one was a horrible name.

Zbyszko: Thank God!

Mooney: Quicksilver climbs up...and leaps off with the Silver Splash!

Zbyszko: No! Wait! Don't thank God! Funpants isn't going to win!


Mooney: 1!

Mooney: 2!

Mooney: 3! 3! 3! Black Quicksilver wins! Black Quicksilver is the first Sphere Heavyweight Champion! I can't believe it!

Zbyszko: Neither can I. Or probably anyone else watching for that matter. Especially the ones watching on Slaughter.

Mooney: This hard-fought contest has come to an end, and Black Quicksilver is walking out with the title...but it looks like he's grabbing a microphone!

BQ: Um...I know no one's in this arena...but I know there's some people watching at home...I wish I could say I was honored to win this title here tonight...but it has no history behind it. It's my duty to give this belt credibility, and I'm gonna do my best within the next couple of weeks. But...there's something else I gotta talk about. See, this belt might not have any history behind it, but...in eight days, me and my tag team partner in the fWo, Jon Crisp, have a shot at the fWo Tag Team Titles, which have been around for almost five years. I've been in the fWo for that same amount of time, and I think it's time that I get to hold one of those belts. So...Team EQ...Elitists...come CyberSlam, I'm warning you not to take WTF lightly, cause I guarantee we're gonna surprise everybody, and we're gonna do whatever we can in order to walk out as the NEW Tag Team Champions.

I had to have BQ give a serious speech here since CyberSlam (fWo's biggest show of the year) was the following week, and his team with Crisp had a shot at the Tag Titles. I figured if BQ ignored that fact here, it'd look like he didn't give a damn about the "real" championship. Of course, as time went on, lots of people in the fWo would usually ignore their main angle or just no-sell whatever their opponent would do on one show since they had to appear in another (completely unrelated) segment with someone else a short time later.

Mooney: Some strong words from Black Quicksilver!

Zbyszko: I didn't know Battle Kat had it in him!

Mooney: I'm not even TOUCHING that one....folks, for the Living Legend, I'm Sean Mooney. Thank you for joining us for WrestleActionZone...goodnight, everyone!
  • Post a new comment


    default userpic
    When you submit the form an invisible reCAPTCHA check will be performed.
    You must follow the Privacy Policy and Google Terms of use.