BORT: Okay, some background on the name "WrestleActionZone" is in order here. Back in the mid-90's, WWF's Saturday morning show that aired on USA was called "Mania", and their Sunday afternoon show was called "Action Zone". I took the name "WrestleMania" and switched it to "WrestleActionZone" as a way of Sphere thinking he was being innovative, yet he was actually just using a different WWF TV show as the second half of the show's name. Not long after I came up with the name, I realized, if abbreviated, you got "WAZ". Waz was the handler of Scott Slugger, among others, in the fWo, and he actually read our shows, so instead of just having the show name pass as a subtle "WAZ! Get it? Winkwinknudgenudge" joke, I (with some help in the third paragraph from Comey) wrote an actual poem about Waz the person to be read by Bam Bam Bigelow at the start of the show. I can't recall how it was decided that Bigelow would "write" the poem, considering he never had a poet gimmick (but apparently Heftel did, as learned two shows ago).
Horowitz: Ladies and gentlemen, here to read a poem about Scott Wasner...Bam Bam Bigelow.
Scott Wasner, you are the creator of a wrestler who dreamed of being a major league baseball player.
You have my vote if you decide to run for mayor.
You like to pick tulips in the Spring.
I once saw a picture of your car...you must have alot of bling bling.
Mitch Wilson was once The Dude.
If I were a waiter, I'd pray that you came into my restaurant, so I could serve you some food.
Ice is the king of the battle royal.
I couldn't think of what to put here, so I'll just say that I wrap my sandwiches in aluminum foil.
You have been called a glass ceiling.
You have given many a warn, fuzzy feeling.
That was mainly from that shirt with a picture of you.
Guess who wore that? Jon Crisp, that's who!
In Flames is going to cover Genesis' "Land of Confusion".
They're not your kind of band, so I hope their version of the song does not give you a brain contusion.
I hope you enjoy reading this event, as we're not charging you a fee.
Of course, you'll probably forget about it halfway through after you get up to take a pee.
That In Flames cover is actually pretty good. And for some reason, Jon Crisp DID wear a shirt with Waz's face on it at one point.
Mooney: Hello all, and welcome to WRESTLEACTIONZONE!
Zbyszko: Geez, Mooney, you ruined it, already! Saying it in ALL CAPS defeats the purpose of random capitalization!
Mooney: It wasn't exactly random. Didn't you pay attention to the OOC poem that Bam Bam Bigelow read just a few minutes ago?
Zbyszko: OOC? You're hysterical, Mooney.
Mooney: Well, nonetheless, we have an action-packed card ready for you all tonight.
Zbyszko: Am I in the right place?
Mooney: We're in the Manhattan Center.
BORT: The Manhattan Center is where Raw used to run every Monday when the show first started.
Zbyszko: Just checking.
Mooney: Folks, we won't force you to wait any longer...it's time for our opening match!
Zbyszko: And it's time for me to break out my bottle of Pepto-Bismol!
Mooney: Living Legend, the first matchup of WrestleActionZone is sure to be a barnburner!
Zbyszko: Can the entire roster be IN the barn?
BORT: Comey was originally supposed to write this match, but as you'll see with the Heftel-T match later on, he wasn't able to do a whole lot for this show. Having said that, I have no idea how I was able to write the match the way I did, with the ongoing gimmick of all the false finishes. Usually if I have a running joke like that in a match it was planned out ahead of time...hell, most times I get the idea for the running joke first and THEN write the match around it. And I should also mention that I love Zbyszko's line in response to Mooney saying "barnburner".
Mooney: Let's go down to ring announcer Barry Horowitz, as WrestleActionZone is underway!
Horowitz: Ladies and gentlemen, this opening contest is scheduled for ONE fall, and it is for the WCW Television Title! Due to this match being held on pay-per-view, the normal time-limit of THREE minutes has been extended to a full SIX MINUTES!
Mooney: Six minutes is a long time, Living Legend. You have to wonder...do the men involved in this match have the stamina to last that long?
Zbyszko: Not without me in there. I carried Bockwinkel to a whole slew of SIXTY minute draws.
Mooney: Did you? I ask this question in a rather serious manner because I don't think anyone did their research on that one.
Nope. I didn't.
Horowitz: Making his way to the ring, the challenger...you don't need to know where he's from or how much he weighs, but you MUST know that he thinks you're a chicken...VIRRRRRRRGILLLLLL!
Zbyszko: What is THAT?
Mooney: It appears as if Virgil is riding a small cart that looks like a miniature version of the squared circle!
Zbyszko: And he's got those ham-n-eggers pushing it for him! That's genius!
This would be a parody of WM3, as it was the first one (out of two) to have miniature ring carts take the wrestlers to the ring. They were motorized, of course, but since this is the fWEo, the Preliminary Wrestlers push the cart instead. They also had the carts at WM6, but the parody for that show comes up in a later match, so this doesn't count as two.
Mooney: Yes, our "preliminary wrestlers", as it were, are pushing that cart to the ring, and Virgil appears to be all business!
Zbyszko: He better be! Duggan's been known to crap his tights in the middle of the match.
I know that never happened in fWEo, but I'm not sure if it happened anywhere else. It's possible, but I can't remember any such incident off the top of my head. It might just be Zbyszko being an ass.
Mooney: While Virgil exits the small ring and enters the...actual ring...why don't you provide our audience with the reason as to why this match is taking place, Living Legend?
Zbyszko: Just to piss me off, Mooney.
Mooney: That was a nice try, but I'll explain, instead. This past summer, "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan was feuding with one Barry Bladberth, who was managed by Virgil. Duggan won the feud, and Bladberth was subject to weeks of verbal abuse from Virgil, until "Hacksaw" stepped in and took Bladberth under his wing. Virgil feuded with both men, defeating Bladberth in January at Royal Battle.
Zbyszko: And Bladberth's never been seen since. Praise the Lord.
Mooney: However, since then, the feud between Duggan and Virgil has escalated, and they look to settle the score here tonight in a match for the WCW Television Championship, a title that was created once Duggan found the belt in a trashcan.
Zbyszko: I won't even argue this one.
The WCW Television Title was around for WAY too long and I wasn't about to include every actual title change in our history of the belt, so I decided to have everyone just pretend that the belt didn't exist until Duggan found it in a trashcan back in 2000. Now that I think about it, I might have already said all that back in my commentary on the "Origins" show. Eh.
Horowitz: And his opponent...from Glen Falls, New York, weighing in at 280 pounds...he is the WCW Television Champion..."HACKSAWWWWWWWWWW" JIM DUUUUUUGANNNNNNN!
Zbyszko: Oh, of course. "Hacksaw" needs to ride the cart to the ring, too.
Mooney: Duggan now enters the squared circle, as the future superstars of the fWEo push the cart to the back...
Clark: Guys, I don't wanna do this anymore.
Williams: Yeah, I don't care if this is the biggest show ever.
Brown: I'm with them. My glasses almost fell off. Again.
White: We aren't even getting paid.
Smith: That settles it. We're giving up. They can walk to the ring for all I care.
That exchange between the Preliminary Wrestlers was thrown in just to explain why no other match used the carts for the entrances.
Mooney: And the opening contest of this year's WrestleActionZone spectacular is off and running!
Virgil: Wassup, chicken?
Duggan: My thumb, TOUGH guy. See? HOOOOOO!
Virgil: Yeah, fo' once it's not up yo ass, chicken!
Duggan: That joke was considered old even before Zbyszko was! HOOOOO!
Zbyszko: That fat slob is scoring off ME?
Virgil: Fo' real? The way ah see it, chicken, is that ah got six minutes to whoop dat ass, chicken.
*DING DING DING DING DING DING DING*
Zbyszko: The bell? Already?
Mooney: No, that's just the recess bell.
Zbyszko: Recess bell?
Mooney: Yes, when that rings, all the wrestlers who are playing kickball outside have to come in and watch this match.
I've passed by the Manhattan Center during a trip to New York City when I was 15. It's not like some arena with it's own huge parking lot and all, it's just right there on the street like a normal building (although I'd guess there's alot of parking room in the back). So if some of the wrestlers were playing kickball outside, that'd mean they're doing so right in the street, which isn't THAT big and likely packed with cars and buses. Then again, look at the people that make up this roster.
Duggan: Sure, we may be at odds now, tough GUY...but remember when we joined forces with the Boss Man and the Sarge?
Virgil: You bet ah do, chicken. Ah singlehandedly wiped the mat with Repo and Da Mountie, chicken.
Duggan: What about the Nasties?
Virgil: Nasties? Chicken, please.
Duggan and Virgil teamed with Big Boss Man and Sgt. Slaughter to defeat The Mountie, Repo Man, and the Nasty Boys at WM8.
*MEEEEEEEP MEEEEEEEP MEEEEEEEP*
Zbyszko: Is that it?
Virgil: Oh, sorry, chicken. Looks like ah set ma alarm clock fo' da wrong time.
Duggan: It happens to "Hacksaw" all the time, TOUGH GUY!
Mooney: Virgil turns the alarm clock off...and hits "Hacksaw" over the head with it!
Zbyszko: Christ, he isn't going to take a bump off that?
Of all people, I had to have Zbyszko break kayfabe.
Mooney: Virgil sends Duggan off the ropes, ducks...but Duggan hammers him down! Virgil trying to get back up, but Duggan continues to hammer away!
Zbyszko: Is that all he can do?
Zbyszko: And not a moment too soon.
Mooney: I don't think that was the end of the match...
Duggan: Excuse me, tough GUY! My TV dinner's done, and good ol' "Hacksaw" needs to take it out of the microwave ASAP!
Having a wrestler take a time-out to go have a TV dinner was one of my favorite gags to write. I don't know why.
Mooney: Duggan taking his TV dinner out of the microwave, surveying it...and he seems to be unhappy! It looks like he forgot to put the power level on "MEDIUM", and thus, the chicken is all dried out!
Virgil: Oh, no you didn't ruin the chicken, chicken...
Zbyszko: Duggan THROWS the chicken at Virgil? I liked it better when it was Jake Milliman and the turkey.
Mooney: Virgil goes down! Duggan with the cover!
Mooney: No! Virgil kicks out!
Zbyszko: It'll take alot more than some dried-out chicken to keep Virgil down.
Mooney: Duggan pulls Virgil up, whips him into the corner...and charges in, but Virgil moves! Dropkick! DROPKICK BY VIRGIL! VIRGIL JUST EXECUTED A DROPKICK!
Zbyszko: Right when he goes for the cover! And to think, I was actually starting to root for him...
Gotta love how Zbyszko mistakens a rooster crowing for a cow mooing.
Mooney: That's STILL not the end of the match...there's a rooster in one of the corners, and Virgil's approaching it...
Virgil: What you doin' all cock-a-doodle-dooin' during ma match, chicken?
Duggan: That isn't a chicken, TOUGH guy! That's a rooster!
Virgil: Dat ain't no rooster, chicken, dat's a big co...
Duggan: Hold it right there, tough guy! We already used that joke back at Survival Series!
Barry Bladberth rode a giant inflatable chicken at Survival Series. Virgil's line right there is taken from "Rooster Song" by Fenix TX.
Mooney: Virgil just shrugs...and breaks the rooster's neck!
Zbyszko: I didn't know he had it in him!
Mooney: Duggan misses a clothesline...and Virgil fires away with some vicious rights!
Zbyszko: Right when he's in control, AGAIN!
Ref: Oh, sorry guys. I was watching the Oilers game. First period just ended.
Virgil: Oilers? Chicken, ain't you from Jersey?
Ref: Yes, but I just happen to love the city of Edmonton!
Virgil: Chicken, lemme tell you sumpin' about Edmonton...
Mooney: Duggan rolls up Virgil from behind!
Mooney: Virgil kicks out! And he goes right up to the ref...
Virgil: The Francis Winspear Centre For Music is an excellent facility, and the acoustics are absolutely remarkable, chicken.
That line just screams "Bort looked up a random fact about Edmonton".
Mooney: Virgil turns around...he doesn't see Duggan in his three-point stance!
Zbyszko: Clothesline! That's gonna be it, Tenay!
Mooney: Old Glory Kneedrop! The knee didn't come close to hitting Virgil in the head, but I'm supposed to call that as his finisher, anyway!
Mooney: 3! "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan retains the TV Title! And with ONE SECOND left on the clock!
That was a pretty slow five minutes and fifty-nine seconds.
Zbyszko: Oh, really? What are the odds...
Mooney: Virgil is left laying in the ring, as this match has no doubt set the stage for what should be a memorable night of action.
Zbyszko: If that's true, then I'm going to hang myself.
Horowitz: This next spotfest is scheduled for MANY blown spots and ONE fall!
Zbyszko: I see that Horowitz talks to the internet marks alot.
Mooney: I am looking forward to the outcome of this unpredictable match, Living Legend.
Zbyszko: You're a moron. Shut up and let me talk.
Mooney: We want fans to view our product...not...fall asleep during the course of the program.
Zbyszko: You see...wait, what'd you just say?
Mooney: Oh, nothing.
Horowitz: First, making their way to the ring, at a combined weight of UNDISCLOSED, due to the fact that one-half of the team refuses to get on a scale...these two men compromise half of the Luchadores stable...LAAAAAA PARRRRKAAA & TEXASSSSS KIIIIIIIIIID!
BORT: A little "quirk" we added to La Parka's personality was that he refused to ever get on a scale. It was never revealed why.
Zbyszko: Why is Scott Hart still wrestling with that goofy outfit on? It's not like Sphere cares about which gimmick he wrestles under anymore.
I'm actually not sure what Zbyszko means here, since Sphere tore up Scott Hart's contract, punishing Texas Kid for the horrible job he did when he filled in for Sphere on an episode of SACJ a little while back. He told TK that he was no longer allowed to wrestle under his real name, just the Texas Kid gimmick, of course believing that they're both the same person.
Mooney: This exciting match is taking place as a reward of sorts to the 1-2-3 Kid & Stump, who were beaten within an inch of their lives...well...the 1-2-3 Kid, anyway...by the team of the Underweartaker & Evil Smokey The Bear, right before they split up. Sphere, not happy with the fact that what would've been a dominant tag team broke up after one match, decided to give the 1-2-3 Kid & Stump a fair bout.
Zbyszko: I was never in any fair bouts, for you see, my opponents were ALWAYS at a disadvantage. None could even come close to competing with the awesomeness that is the Living Legend.
Mooney: While you ramble, I'll continue to explain why this match is taking place. Sphere wanted to give the 1-2-3 Kid & Stump a fair bout, so he named La Parka & Texas Kid as their opponents. You see, the STUMP Squad has had a number of memorable matches with these two members of the Luchadores, dating back to when La Parka & Texas Kid were in the Merry Band of Idiots.
Zbyszko: Scott Hart was in Team Ratings, dumbass.
Team Ratings was the tag team name of Wretch and Hart. It'd later become a stable when Abusah joined the fWo.
Horowitz: And now, their opponents...from the STUMP Squad...at a combined weight of 183 pounds...one is a former WWF TAG TEAM CHAMPION...forallofoneweek...the team of the 1-2-3 KID & STUMMMMMMMP!
Zbyszko: The Kid doesn't get his name all drawn out! I find that utterly hilarious.
Mooney: I, um, find your full head of hair to be nonexistent.
Zbyszko: EXCUSE me?
Mooney: And this match is underway!
Mooney: Yes, this match wouldn't be complete without a conversation between Stump and La Parka.
Zbyszko: They've used up their best spot at the beginning of the match! These kids have no idea how to work in psychology at the right places.
TK: So, Kid...your father...did he abuse you as a child?
TK: You know, like...yesterday?
Zbyszko: I'm not talking about THAT kind of psychology! And this is only the second match? It's gonna be a long night for the Living Legend.
Mooney: You're...let's see...oh. You're gonna stay up until 11?
Zbyszko: Can it, you Todd Becker-wannabe.
I have no clue who Todd Becker is. I'm gonna guess he was a jobber in either WWF or AWA back in the 80's.
TK: So, Parka...I'm the team captain.
TK: Didn't you just hear me? I said *I* was.
TK: No. *I* am.
This is a reference to WM10, as there was a 10-man tag that was supposed to take place but was cut due to time restraints. The kayfabed reason why it didn't take place? The heel team couldn't decide on who the "captain" of the team was going to be. Lame, right?
Kid: Guys, this is WrestleActionZone! It's our time to show everyone what we can do! And by golly, I don't wanna mess this up!
TK: Kid, please. We're arguing over who the team captain is.
TK: Okay, yeah, because *I* can understand what you're saying.
TK: What? But he's not even on our team!
Kid: Guys! Come on!
TK: Hey, shut up! I bet YOU wanna be team captain, too. And what kind of name is "Kid" anyway? Loser.
Zbyszko: Holy crap! Kid just stood up for himself! He actually CONNECTED with one of those roundhouse kicks!
Mooney: That was a *spinning* roundhouse kick, Living Legend.
Zbyszko: I was trained in the art of judo. I know these things.
TK: Son of a BITCH! Parka! He kicked me! In the face! With his foot!
TK: Fine, leg, whatever! Kick his ass!
Mooney: Parka kicks Kid in his rear end!
TK: What...what was that?
TK: Did something get lost in the translation?
TK: Yeah. I guess the sport of professional wrestling is no place for a shimmying Mexican in a skeleton costume and a white guy from Stamford who's full of Texas Pride to be teaming up.
TK: Um...ISN'T that a costume?
Mooney: And Stump...um...nails La Parka!
Zbyszko: What's with the pause, amateur?
Mooney: I wasn't sure what maneuver Stump just executed. When I'm not sure, it sometimes takes me a while to think about it, and then I just say he "nailed" him.
Zbyszko: Well, that's what happens when you go straight to the broadcast table without any in-ring experience.
Mooney: All four...men...duking it out here...La Parka sends Stump over the rope with a backbody-drop, but he gets sent outside with a dropkick by the 1-2-3 Kid! Kid is obviously learning well from the veterans in the STUMP Squad.
Zbyszko: Veterans? The only people I see in the STUMP Squad are a guy who thinks he's cool cause he wears a mask, a guy who hasn't won a match since the Wolfpac was cool, a 7-foot tall freak who doesn't matter, that Nerf football in the ring, and one hot piece of ass.
Mooney: Which one's the hot piece of ass?
Zbyszko: I'm contemplating on whether or not to stab you in your left eye with a spork.
Mooney: Texas Kid sends Kid off the ropes...lifts him...sidewalk slam! Cover!
Mooney: No! Even though it's just the 1-2-3 Kid, it's going to take more than a sidewalk slam to finish him off.
Zbyszko: I'll say. It isn't 1994 anymore.
Mooney: Oh, and Texas Kid would like to say hello to his sisters, Carol and Susan. He doesn't believe they're watching tonight, but he'd like to say hello nonetheless.
Zbyszko: Wait...Scott Hart doesn't HAVE any sisters!
Apparently Zbyszko knows Scott Hart personally, but not well enough to know that he and Texas Kid are different people.
Mooney: Texas Kid pulling the 1-2-3 Kid up by his hair now...
TK: Stay there...
Mooney: Texas Kid going up top...and jumps off with a flying clothesline!
Zbyszko: The Kid moved! I can't believe I'm saying this, but good for him! Scott Hart proved he was nothing but a green rookie for calling his spot that loud!
TK: DAMMIT! You better hope my pelvis isn't broken! Why the HELL did you move?
Kid: I thought you were joking!
TK: Do I look funny to you?
Kid: Your head does.
Another "Clueless" reference, this time a variation on the "Does Josh look bigger?/His head does." joke.
TK: Oh yeah? Your HAIR does.
Mooney: And Stump comes flying into the ring, dropping a...dropping on Texas Kid! Cover!
Mooney: La Parka breaks up the cover!
Zbyszko: Stump isn't the legal man!
Mooney: I believe this match is now being contested under "lucha libre rules", Living Legend.
Actual "lucha libre rules" in a tag match means that once someone leaves the ring, their partner can come in. The spot above is more akin to a "texas tornado" tag match.
Zbyszko: Lucha libre doesn't rule! It sucks! I ever tell you about the time I kicked Jose Lothario's ass?
Mooney: Jumping him from behind in a bathroom doesn't count.
Zbyszko: Way to go, LeDoux. The college kids are gonna have a field day with THAT line.
Mooney: I loved Field Day. I excelled at the three-legged race.
Zbyszko: Can it, or else I'll knock your ass out so fast that you won't even make it to the fourth round.
Mooney: It is my belief that you're going to make many more of those kind of references throughout the night, and all of them will go over the heads of our viewing audience.
That went over MY head and I was the one who wrote it.
Zbyszko: Ha! Viewing audience...I'd call them pawns in the game of human chess, but they're not even worthy of THAT honor!
Mooney: Back to the match here, as Texas Kid has crawled to the outside and retrieved a table from underneath the ring!
Zbyszko: What's he gonna do with that thing? Is there gonna be some sort of roundtable discussion?
Mooney: And Kid hits a baseball slide into the table, which knocks Texas Kid over!
TK: Ehhh...gah! Hey! You!
TK: You're lucky I had enough strength to throw the table off of me, or else I would've been trapped under all that wood!
Kid: You said "wood".
TK: I said "or", too. Your point?
Mooney: Texas Kid doesn't see Stump up on that turnbuckle, he's gonna...no, wait, that's okay, because Stump missed him by a good four feet to the right anyway.
Mooney: Now La Parka's up top...corkscrew thing-a-ma-jig...but he misses Stump *and* Texas Kid, landing somewhere in the twenty-fourth row!
Kid: This...this is my chance...
Zbyszko: Let me just GUESS on what's gonna happen here...Kid's gonna try for one of those fancy little dives, but he's gonna miss everyone, even La Parka.
Mooney: Wait...I...I thought that's what was going to happen, but the 1-2-3 Kid's going to the far corner...what is he doing?
Zbyszko: What the hell? He's looking all the way over there at La Parka! He isn't...
Mooney: He is! He goes to jump...no...hesitates...SHOOTING STAR PRESS! SHOOTING STAR PRESS THAT...
Zbyszko: Doesn't even come CLOSE to connecting! The Kid landed right on his head! What was he thinking? Didn't he see how far away La Parka was? And does he know how pissed off Sphere's gonna be at him for stealing his finisher?
Obviously a parody of Brock Lesnar's botchtastic shooting star press at WM19. Zbyszko's commentary states that Sphere is still using the SSP as his finisher, but I could've sworn it had been switched up to a shooting star legdrop by now. Guess not.
Mooney: Texas Kid is sliding that table into the ring, and he's going over to the 1-2-3 Kid...
TK: Uh, yeah...YOU'RE not gonna be involved in this spot.
Mooney: Texas Kid shoves the 1-2-3 Kid into the corner! He is most definitely a rat bastard, Living Legend.
Zbyszko: He sure is taking his good old time setting that table up. I'm guessing it's just a coincidence that Stump's sitting up there on the top turnbuckle.
TK: Gah, I tripped!
Mooney: Texas Kid falls onto the table! And Stump comes off the top!
Zbyszko: Was that supposed to break?
Mooney: Do I look like someone who's competing in the match?
Zbyszko: You don't look like someone who could legally buy cigarettes.
TK: Just...yeah, get off me. PARKA!
TK: Um...ARE YOU SHIMMYING? I CAN'T REALLY SEE YOU FROM HERE!
TK: ARE YOU GOING TO ANSWER ME, OR DO I HAVE TO START SPEAKING IN SIGN LANGUAGE?
TK: JUST A REMINDER...I DON'T KNOW SIGN LANGUAGE!
Mooney: La Parka is running back to the ring...but doesn't see the guardrail and runs into it ribs first!
Zbyszko: This stuff is starting to border on cliche' comedy.
Zbyszko: What was that?
Rich and Alex (who would become a short-lived Fourth Idiot) handled a tag team known as the Tallywhackers in the fWo. Someone on eWP or EWN or whatever said they didn't like the Tallywhackers because their stuff was "cliche' comedy", obviously confusing the terms "cliche'" and "blatant stereotyping". La Parka simply accidentally running into the guardrail with no other joke around it was done to point out that something like THAT is cliche' comedy. It could also be called "slapstick", but since it's a comedy promotion with a bunch of goofy characters, lots of the slapstick stuff could actually be considered "cliche'". Got it? Good.
Mooney: La Parka drags himself over the guardrail and slides into the ring...
TK: Alright, so, yeah, this table didn't break. I say we give him 3D through it. It's sure to break then.
TK: It's been done before? And the table didn't break then, either?
Mooney: Living Legend, I think we're going to a flashback...flashback...flashback...
Sphere tosses the lightbulb and picks up Stump. He throws Stump off the ropes and goes to catch him, but gets hit in the face instead. Since, according to the internet marks, Sphere sucks, he attempts to repeat the spot. He picks up Stump, throws him off the ropes, catches him this time, and lifts him over the table as the crowd shouts "3D!" La Parka jumps in the air, hooks Stump, and brings him down onto the table. Once again, Stump simply bounces off. La Parka and Sphere look at Stump. Then the table. Then Stump. Then the table...table...table...
TK: Ah. I see. What should we do then?
That was taken from the Stump-La Parka match that happened at fWo Countdown 1 '01.
TK: But you've never done just a plain, old, ordinary moonsault. You always put the "La Parka Twist" on it, as they say.
TK: Yeah, it *is* the biggest show of the year...eh, go ahead. Even if you kill yourself, that gives me a chance to step up as the number two Luchadore.
TK: Huh? When did Waru pass me?
When the Luchadores formed, Mr. T was the leader and La Parka was obviously his second-in-command. Since Comey and I had more experience writing Texas Kid, he automatically became the #3 member, with Waru coming in last. But once Waru was given his "mask that renders him blind" gimmick, we had no choice but to give him a bigger "push" than TK, and even let that be known on the shows.
Mooney: La Parka's going up top! It looks like he's going to try and put Stump through that table with a moonsault!
Zbyszko: All these guys taking their high risks...they should take a low risk! Like...you know...
Mooney: A clothesline?
Zbyszko: I said LOW risks, Cowboy Lang.
Mooney: La Parka takes off...but the table STILL doesn't break!
Zbyszko: They're really struggling for material right about now.
TK: Well, drop the soap and call me Bradshaw.
Rumor has it that Bradshaw used to rape rookies in the shower. Or at least attempt to. Eh, it's probably true.
Mooney: La Parka is attempting to get up to his feet...but look! Look! The 1-2-3 Kid is pulling himiself up in the corner!
TK: Yeah, real bang-up job there. Hmm, maybe if we both go up...
Mooney: Kid stumbles over and hits the table, and the table breaks! Now he stumbles forward and bumps into both La Parka and Texas Kid! La Parka falls out of the ring! Texas Kid falls backward...and is rolled up by the 1-2-3 Kid!
I'm sure the joke about how the table wouldn't break after a number of high-risk manuevers but then breaks after someone who has the gimmick of being a weakling simply stumbles into it was inspired by movies like "Naked Gun" and "Hot Shots".
Zbyszko: I can't believe this...
Mooney: 3! The STUMP Squad wins! The 1-2-3 Kid & Stump are the winners of this match, with the 1-2-3 Kid scoring the upset pinfall!
TK: This blows. I'm so upset right now.
Zbyszko: Let's not drag this out any longer, we're ready for the next match, come on.
Mooney: What a breathtaking encounter that proved to be!
Zbyszko: *I* am ready for the next match? Hurry it up!
Horowitz: Ladies and gentlemen, this next matchup is scheduled for ONE fall, and will determine just which soft drink is MORE REFRESHING!
Mooney: Surely this has to be one of the most anticipated matchups on this card, Living Legend.
Zbyszko: Yeah, I'll agree on THAT one. Then maybe I'll say you're a good play-by-play man!
Mooney: I can't thank you enough, Larry. I'm just doing my job.
Zbyszko: That was sarcasm. And the name's "Living Legend". Get it right.
Mooney: My mistake.
Horowitz: Coming down the aisle, weighing in at 20 ounces...it's the originator...the innovator...it's so crisp that it puts Jon to shame...a bottle of 7-UUUUUUUUUUUP!
Mooney: A bottle of 7-UP making his way to the ring...Living Legend, it was just two weeks ago that this bottle attacked it's opponent, a bottle of Cherry 7-UP, in the parking lot, and from what my eyes tell me, it seemed as if it was going to throw that bottle of Cherry 7-UP into the trunk of car! Thank God for Steve!
Zbyszko: Your eyes suck. You suck.
Mooney: Furthermore, this feud all started back when a bottle of Cherry 7-UP debuted, at Team Lightning's Super Mega Funtime Spectacular...
Zbyszko: Team Lightning? Who's that?
Mooney: Yes, there was a heated argument there, but they patched up their differences to form a tag team, and while they were never in any tag team bouts, they still remained a cohesive unit. However, everything went sour when a bottle of 7-UP turned on a bottle of Cherry 7-UP during the Royal Battle battle royal, jealous of the extra flavor that a bottle of Cherry 7-UP contains. In the past several weeks, they've been interfering in each other's matches, and this violent feud will come to an end right here, right now.
Zbyszko: Wait...it makes that much sense?
BORT: Yup. And believe it or not, this feud was one that was planned from the start. Of course, the best part about this is that this isn't really the end of the angle, as it stretches to *next year's* WAZ.
Horowitz: And it's opponent...it also weighs in at 20 ounces, and is proud of being artificially flavored...a bottle of Cherryyyyyyy 7-UUUUUUUUP!
Mooney: And here comes a bottle of Cherry 7-UP, charging down to the ring!
Zbyszko: I've never seen a cherry run that fast!
Mooney: A bottle of Cherry 7-UP slides into the ring, and charges...avalanche in the corner! A bottle of 7-UP stumbles out...and hits the mat!
Zbyszko: What the HELL? A big splash? In my day that move was illegal!
Mooney: This match is over!
Zbyszko: You've gotta be kidding me! That must have lasted thirty seconds! No match on the biggest show of the last year should last THIRTY SECONDS!
Mooney: Wait...I'm getting word...that match didn't last thirty seconds...it lasted twenty-three!
Zbyszko: No, Horowitz' introductions lasted twenty-three seconds. The match lasted just a LITTLE longer than that, Schroder.
Mooney: What's this? The referee has just informed me that the match lasted FIFTEEN seconds!
Zbyszko: No he didn't. He went backstage to get a hot dog. And I don't even think they have hot dogs back there.
Mooney: I've just gotten word from the timekeeper that the match lasted....NINE SECONDS! That's a new record! I can't believe it, Living Legend! The shortest match in the history of professional wrestling has just taken place right in front of our very eyes!
King Kong Bundy squashed S.D. Jones in 24 seconds at WM1. But according to the WWF, it only lasted nine seconds.
Zbyszko: That match didn't last nine seconds! And even if it did, it's STILL not a record!
Mooney: Folks, while I towel myself off, we're ready for our next bout!
Mooney: Hello again everyone, I'm Sean Mooney, and with me is Larry Zybysko...
Zbyszko: ::does his fairy hand-wave gesture::
Mooney: And we're bri...no, I'm sorry...Larry, that is SO flaming gay when you do that...
BORT: And with that line it should be obvious that Comey wrote this match.
Zbyszko: Do what? This?
Mooney: Yes, that! Christ, you're giving the air a hand-job! You're...gay!
Zbyszko: Hold on, let me play this...::grabs tape of Smackdown::
Piper: Takes one to know one.
UPN: *GOES UNDER!*
Everyone in the world but one person: *DOESN'T NOTICE*
That one person: *GASP! NO HUGHLEYS!*
Mooney: See what you did! We're not on television anymore!
Zbyszko: Oh who cares...you think anyone will watch this?
Mooney: I need to get UPN back on the air! I'll be back.
*26 minutes later*
Mooney: Wow, and we're back!
Zbyszko: There's no way you could do that without...
Mooney: So, what did I miss?
Zbyszko: Well, we're in the middle of the Mr. T-Heftel match...this is quite the game of geek chess here. I mean, none of these twats of the game of life...er, chess, slept with Verne Gagne's daughter! I *so* rule! 1987 ROCKS!
Mooney: No no no...this just won't work. This match will have to restart!
Zbyszko: Well...all they've done is stand around and glare at each other in a staring contest.
Mooney: For the last 26 minutes?
Zbyszko: It's been a real staredown. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Comey's edit: I'm sorry...I really suck today. I'm not really with it, and it's evident by what you read here, and what you read on tonight's Slaughter, that I'm basically half-assing this. Then again, what don't I half-ass?
This was actually scheduled to be a boxing match, a reference to the match between Mr. T and Roddy Piper at WM2.
Mooney: Ok, so this sucks, Comey sucks, and we're stuck in a staring contest.
Comey's edit: Getting old, eh?
Comey's edit: I don't know when to stop a joke. You might want to go to the bathroom and set your IE on auto-scroll.
T: I am the victor!
Heftel: You so threw me off with that quizzical-emphatic expression! That's not allowed!
T: There are no rules in this game.
Mooney: Is that a pinfall?
Zbyszko: Is this a boxing match?
Heftel: Oh, look, a quarter! *Bends down, hits T with his boxing glove*
I do believe that's the only reference to this being a boxing match.
Mooney: Mr. T fell! The bell has rung! I don't believe it!
Everyone in the fWo PPV chat: C!
fWo wrestler Ultra Violet always confused the number 3 with the letter C. During the "live" fWo events that were held in the fWo Chat, some people would start typing "C!" during a pinfall attempt when they wanted a 3-count. It got, you know, not funny in a hurry.
Zbyszko: This sucks in this game of human chess.
Mooney: TEN! HEFTEL WINS! HE'S THE NEW MILLION DOLLAR CHAMP! WTFMR~!
Zbyszko says he "hagged" Verne Gagne's daughter. I'm not sure if that's a typo on Comey's part.
Mooney: Wait a minute...who is this?! Some bag lady just hopped into the ring...
Zbyszko: Dude! That's Mr. T's mom!
Mooney: How do you know?
Zbyszko: She's wearing a sign that reads "I AM Mr. T's MOTHER!"
Possibly the most obscure WM reference ever, as this is supposed to be a parody of Rocky Johnson doing a run-in to save his son Rocky Maivia (you know...The Rock) from a post-match beatdown at WM13.
Mooney: I'm an idiot, what do you expect?
Mr. T's mom: I PITY THE YOUNG MAN THAT DAMAGES MY BABY BOY! THE YOUNG MAN WHO DISPARAGES OUR FAMILY HERITAGE IS TRULY A SUCKER!
Heftel: I, er...were you on Family Matters?
Mr. T's mom: YOUNG MAN, HAVE YOU EVER DONE A SONG ABOUT YOUR MOTHER?
Heftel: ...yeah, but it was a limerick, and it wasn't so much about my mother...it was about Sphere's mother...and it got me two nights in jail...
Mr. T's mom: MY BOY TREATS HIS MOTHER RIGHT, AND HE MADE A SONG ABOUT IT!
Mooney: The ref is thinking this over with the timekeeper, and now he has a decision! Let's go to Barry Horowitz!
Horowitz: Sean and Larry, based on who Mike Heftel is, and the fact that Mr. T sang "TREAT YOUR MOTHER RIGHT", the ref awards the decision to...Mr. T!
Mooney: Well, that's about expected on this card.
Zbyszko: Where's the pisser?
Mooney: This next matchup is sure to get out of hand in a hurry.
Zbyszko: By "out of hand", do you mean "be over"?
Zbyszko: I always liked Heenan better.
Mooney: Back at Survival Series this past November, Evil Smokey The Bear realized that someone had stolen the tape that belonged to his manager, Ted E. Ruxpin. Without this tape, Ted E. couldn't talk and give out instructions, leaving Evil Smokey unsure of where his fWEo career was headed. Soon after, he formed a partnership with the Underweartaker, but their friendship came to an abrupt halt when it was revealed that the Underweartaker's manager, Sister Payne, had stolen Ted E.'s tape.
Zbyszko: See, that's what happens when the boys bring their women to work. They steal something from a bear.
Mooney: Also, Bam Bam Bigelow tried to break up a brawl between the two when their battle spilled out into the arena, interrupting his match. Bigelow has also been looking for his missing Hanes for the past couple of months, and it's my opinion that the culprit is obvious.
BORT: Mooney is hinting that Underweartaker is the one responsible, something that was never really brought up on any of the shows before this, although one would think Underweartaker IS the obvious culprit since HIS NAME IS THE UNDERWEARTAKER.
Mooney: Why would I take them?
Zbyszko: Because they belong to another man, you sorry excuse for a queen in this game of human chess.
Mooney: Because of the hatred all three men have displayed for each other in the past few weeks, they will now settle the score in a triangle match. And with that, let's go to our special guest ring announcer for this match...Pete Rose!
Rose: You people SUCK. I'm the greatest baseball player in the history of professional wrestling, and...
Mooney: Bam Bam Bigelow isn't going to wait for his introduction! Here he comes, running down the ramp...
Zbyszko: What the hell is Bam Bam doing with Charlie Hustle?
Mooney: Greetings From Asbury Park! And yes, he celebrates!
Pete Rose was the special guest ring announcer for Undertaker vs. Kane at WM14. He ran down the crowd until Kane came out and tombstoned him. And this was when Kane's tombstone wasn't, well...safe.
Horowitz: I'll take that microphone, thank you very much. Ladies and gentlemen, this triangle match is scheduled for ONE fall, and the introductions will now be done by a GOOD ring announcer! Currently in the ring, hailing from Asbury Park, New Jersey...weighing in at over 300 pounds...he is the man who murdered three midgets disguised as clowns...Bam Bam Bigelowwwwwwwww!
Zbyszko: When did he murder three midgets?
Mooney: It was a little while before you decided to start suing everybody.
Horowitz: Now making his way to the ring, the second participant in this triangle match, to be accompanied by Ted E. Ruxpin, hailing from the Evil Forests...he is the bear who has most likely eaten way more than three midgets, whether they were disguised as clowns or not...Evil Smokey....THE BEARRRRRRRRR!
Zbyszko: I don't like this Evil Smokey guy that much. He pisses all over tradition by wearing that hat while he wrestles.
Horowitz: Finally, participant number three...he hails from YOUR Nightmares and tonight weighs in at 280 pounds...he is accompanied by the always-lovely Sister Payne...THIS...IS....the UNDERWEARRRRRRTAAAAAAAAKERRRRRRRRRR!
Mooney: All three men are in the ring now...and Evil Smokey The Bear has the microphone! It appears as if he's going to address the Underweartaker here...
Evil Smokey: Look here, cracka...ah give you one last chance to 'splain why yo bitch took the tape. Maybe ah let you slide.
Mooney: The Underweartaker is getting another mic!
Zbyszko: Since when does this guy talk?
Mooney: Since when do you actually call the match?
Zbyszko: I should...hey! His woman swiped the mic from him before he could say anything!
Payne: I'll do all the explaining! I took it because I grew up watching Challenge, and Superstars, and Prime Time Wrestling, and All-American Wrestling, and all along...Slick was my idol! He was reincarnated as that tape, and *I* wanted it! I wanted to learn from Slick!
I'm pretty sure this angle was never followed up on.
Evil Smokey: Oh, you wanted to learn from Slick, huh? Lemme tell ya what ah think bout dat!
Zbyszko: Now THAT's what I call a bitchslap!
Mooney: Underweartaker goes right after Evil Smokey! And now Bigelow jumps in and headbutts both of them! Sister Payne and Ted E. Ruxpin getting out of the ring...Sister Payne HAS to be in pain after that!
Zbyszko: "Sister Payne has to be in pain"...yeah, that was REAL clever.
Mooney: Bigelow sends Underweartaker out of the ring...now he whips Evil Smokey into the ropes...um...clothesline? I think that was supposed to be a clothesline.
Zbyszko: I've seen Greg Gagne throw better clotheslines than that! And I've never seen Greg Gagne throw a clothesline!
Mooney: Bigelow off the ropes...it looks like he's going to go for his signature falling headbutt...no! Underweartaker trips him and pulls him to the floor!
Zbyszko: You know, in my day, if both guys were fighting out on the floor, it'd be an immediate disqualification!
Mooney: Your days were rather boring, Living Legend.
Zbyszko: Hey, just because you were a well-known play-by-play guy during Bort's favorite WWF era doesn't mean you were GOOD at what you did.
Mooney: Before we completely knock down the fourth wall, let's get back to the match, where...Evil Smokey is going to attempt a cross-body onto his opponents? Underweartaker and Bigelow are waiting for it...
Zbyszko: Yeah, maybe...if he can make it to the goddamn top rope.
Ruxpin: C'mon, playa! Get up dey-a an' squash those jive turkeys!
Evil Smokey: Damn, brotha...we shouldn'ta smoked dat joint befo' we came out hee-a!
Mooney: Evil Smokey tries to climb up to the second rope...Underweartaker is reading "Breakfast of Champions" while Bigelow knits a sweater...
I was reading "Breakfast of Champions" at the time for a term paper I had to write for my English 102 class. Yes, once upon a time, I was a college student.
Zbyszko: Evil Smokey looks a little lightheaded...
Mooney: And there he goes! He falls off the second turnbuckle and the impact SHAKES the ring! Even I'm feeling it!
Zbyszko: Yeah, I bet you "feel it" alot.
Mooney: Yes, every time a big man hits the mat.
Zbyszko: I should be writing this stuff down.
Mooney: Underweartaker re-enters the ring...and he goes for the cover!
Mooney: No! Bigelow pulls him out, celebrates, and crawls into the ring, where HE makes the cover!
Mooney: No! Underweartaker throws Ted E. Ruxpin at Bigelow to break up the count! And Bigelow doesn't look to happy...
Ruxpin: Whoa, whoa, playa! Dat wasn't ma doin'...it was dat fat-ass cracka ova dey-a! And while we talkin' bout him, why hasn't anyone asked him if he took yo Ha...
Zbyszko: I didn't know Underweartaker was a punter on his high school football team!
Mooney: He wasn't, actually. It says here that he wasn't into sports much, but DID graduate with honors.
Zbyszko: I would have never guesssed.
Mooney: Evil Smokey's finally getting to his feet, and I think he saw what the Underweartaker just did to his manager...
Zbyszko: I'll say. Ted E. Ruxpin's taken the most bumps in this match, and he isn't even IN the match!
Mooney: That's the price you have to pay when you manage an evil bear who was raised in the Evil Forests.
Zbyszko: Where's Evil Smokey going?
Mooney: He's not going after Underweartaker...he's leaving the ring! And he's going after Sister Payne!
Zbyszko: Oh my God, Mooney, that's smart-thinking! I can't believe it! Evil Smokey is taking part in this human game of chess, even though he's not human! I'm gonna say he's...no, wait....I'm not. He still sucks. This sport is no place for a bear, and I'll tell you why. See...the...MMPPHH!
Mooney: And Evil Smokey takes a detour on his chase, stuffing the Living Legend in his mouth! Ladies and gentlemen, this is seriously one of the funniest things I have ever seen.
Mooney: And Bigelow nails Evil Smokey from behind, causing him to spit Zbyszko out!
Zbyszko: JESUS CHRIST!
Mooney: How was it, Living Legend?
Zbyszko: I think I saw Ray Stevens!
The whole sequence from Evil Smokey stuffing Zbyszko in his mouth up until Zbyszko's "Ray Stevens" line is another one of my favorites. It's even better if you actually know what Zbyszko sounds like and you read the lines with his voice in mind.
Mooney: That's insane. Now...back to the match...which has broken down right there in the middle of the ring...
Zbyszko: How the hell did this match "break down"? There was never anything holding it together! If I was an ugly Canadian who steals all his insider information from other people, I'd give this match negative five stars!
Mooney: Wait a minute....someone's running down the ramp...someone wearing the top half of a donkey costume...
Zbyszko: I didn't think this match could get any worse.
Mooney: Whoever it is, they're getting into the ring, and they're heading for Bam Bam Bigelow!
Zbyszko: Yeah, well, whoever it is has some weaker punches than both Harris Boys combined.
Mooney: Those punches aren't fazing Bigelow...and Evil Smokey comes from behind and rips the costume off!
Zbyszko: Pete Rose? Wasn't he JUST out here?
Mooney: Yes, it's Pete Rose! He's apparently trying to gain a measure of revenge on Bigelow for what happened right before this match got underway, but his plan doesn't seem to be working.
Rose tried to get his revenge on Kane at WM15 by attacking him disguised as the San Diego Chicken. I still don't even know why they had the San Diego Chicken make an appearance at a WM held in Philly. Of course, he was quickly unmasked by Kane and then destroyed again.
Zbyszko: He's gonna try to get away from THOSE two guys?
Mooney: Rose backing away...and right into the Underweartaker! He turns around...CHOKESLAM, BY GOD, CHOKESLAM!
Zbyszko: Geez, it's not like it was a GOOD chokeslam.
Mooney: And that'll do it for Rose tonight, as there's a two-parody limit for each match.
Zbyszko: Say something like that one more time and I'll slap you around like your name was Ricky Ataki. Twoparodylimitamatchwhatafrigginmoron.
As I mentioned earlier, we didn't use anymore than two parodies/references in one match. Ataki was a jobber for the WWF in the 80's.
Mooney: Hey, and as if things couldn't be even more overbooked, it's Sphere! Sphere has appeared at the top of the ramp, and yes, I do believe he has a microphone! I'm shocked! Shocked *and* appalled!
Zbyszko: Isn't it bad enough that he's in the main event? Why does he have to come out NOW?
Mooney: He's the owner. He can come out whenever he wants.
Zbyszko: He can come out whenever he wants, my ASS. This isn't a backyard fed.
Sphere: Hello? This thing on? Of course it is...I can hear myself! And I sound rather lovely, if I must say so. Anyway, I'm not just out here because this match is boring us all to tears...
Mooney: A milestone has occurred! For perhaps the first time ever, Sphere shares an opinion with the common man!
Zbyszko: Common man? Speak for yourself, Rockin' Randy.
Rockin' Randy was, I believe, a jobber for the NWA.
Sphere: You all probably notice this envelope in my hand. It's one of those big, yellow business-type envelopes, because, after all, I'm a great businessman. You'll also notice that there's a big black question mark drawn on the envelope. I did that, too, because, after all, I'm a great artist.
Zbyszko: No one cares. Are people still watching this?
Sphere: After weeks and weeks of investigation, I've finally found out who stole Bam Bam Bigelow's missing Hanes. Underweartaker...
Mooney: THE UNDERWEARTAKER STOLE BAM BAM BIGELOW'S HANES!!!!
Sphere: I can't hear him, since I'm at the top of the ramp, and he's at the announce table, but Mooney, shut the hell up.
Mooney: Sphere now telling Sean Mooney to shut up, and...oh.
Sphere: Underweartaker, a few weeks ago, I glanced at you and saw something that perhaps I shouldn't have. Something you didn't want me to see. This was obvious to those of you who paid attention during that time. Now, I'm going to reveal what I saw. Underweartaker...
Sphere: YOU WERE WEARING BOXERS!
Mooney and Zbyszko: WHAT???
Sphere: That's right! Underweartaker wears BOXERS! That means he did NOT steal Bigelow's Hanes, as he doesn't even wear briefs, let alone a name brand!
Mooney: The Underweartaker looks rather dejected here...what will this do to his career?
Zbyszko: He has a career?
Seriously, I just killed the entire Underweartaker character.
Sphere: Now that I've gotten that out of the way...I'll reach into this envelope, and pull out the sheet of paper that says just who exactly took Bigelow's Hanes...
Mooney: Sphere reaching into that envelope...
Sphere: And the culprit is...
Evil Smokey: ...
Payne: I love Slick!
Sphere: Wait, what?
Mooney: It's Sphere! All this time, and it's Sphere who stole Bigelow's Hanes!
That was planned all along. I really wanted to run a Sphere-Bigelow feud with Bigelow as the face for some odd reason.
Zbyszko: This is...hell, I can't even find the words to describe how stupid this is.
Mooney: Sphere is hightailing it out of here, as Bigelow, obviously now a very angry man, gives chase!
Zbyszko: I've never seen someone who's not wearing underwear run that fast!
Evil Smokey: C'mon, Ted E. Let's roll.
Mooney: Evil Smokey and Ted E. Ruxpin leaving ringside now, perhaps to go "smoke a doobie", as they say.
Zbyszko: No one says that anymore.
Mooney: This match has apparently been ruled a no-contest, which is not surprising considering what company this is. Underweartaker is headed back, also...he's an absolute wreck now!
Zbyszko: It's because of that woman he has with him! You think SHE's gonna be any help?
Mooney: A good point by the Living Legend, as we prepare for our next match!
Horowitz: This next match is scheduled for ONE fall and MUCH confusion! Making his way to the ring, hailing from Parts Somewhat Known, and weighing in at 275 pounds...he has committed the ultimate sin, and this time the prowler will win....RENNNNNNEGAAAAAAADE!
Mooney: As Renegade makes his way to the ring, I'll remind everyone watching that this match is taking place because Renegade has been claiming that he is the true Ultimate Warrior ever since he debuted in the fWEo this past November. The Ultimate Warrior has taken exception to Renegade's remarks and has been hot on his trail. Now, at WrestleActionZone, they will finally clash in a one-on-one contest.
Renegade: Um...I'm not in the ring yet...I'm right in front of you.
Zbyszko: Get in there, pansy. What kind of renegade pierces their nipple, anyway?
Renegade: Whatever. I never said I was the real Ultimate Warrior. I don't even know why I'm here.
Mooney: Renegade climbs into the ring...ho ho...and Living Legend, here comes his opponent!
Horowitz: His opponent! Running down the aisle VERY quickly, hailing from...OOF!
Mooney: The Warrior accidentally takes Horowitz down with a running shoulderblock!
Zbyszko: That moron should've moved his ass out of the way! You don't just stand there when the Ultimate Warrior gets into the ring!
Mooney: And there's the bell!
Zbyszko: Who the...is that Pete Rose again? I thought you said he was done for the night, Mooney!
Mooney: I thought he was...but...well, it *is* a different match. Rose sliding into the ring, and gets he, too, gets a shoulderblock! I'm not sure if Warrior saw him, but now Rose is sitting up in the corner...NOW Warrior sees him!
Zbyszko: Mooney...for the love of God...tell me I'm seeing things...
Mooney: Warrior turns around...and he...he's backing up towards Rose!
Mooney: STINKFACE FOR PETE ROSE!!!
BORT: Pete Rose made one last attempt at revenge on Kane at WM16, after a match where Kane teamed with Rikishi and defeated X-Pac & Road Dogg. This time Rose was on the receiving end of a stinkface from Rikishi. For those who don't know what a stinkface is...well, it's bascially having someone rub their ass into your face. I don't know if I wrote Rose's run-in as him trying to attack Warrior for no reason in particular, but I do know I wanted his third appearance to be in this match just so he could get a stinkface from Warrior.
Zbyszko: Okay, NOW Rose is done. If I knew just a little more about baseball, we'd have our running gimmick for this match.
This was the last match I wrote, not counting Duggan-Virgil since I was subbing for Comey on that one. The reason for that was I had no idea what to do with it outside of Rose's run-in and the finish. Now that I think about it, I should've turned the match into a two-man baseball game...or maybe three or four with Horowitz and the Referee throw in. I wouldn't have to have too much knowledge of the sport in order to do that. Ah well.
Mooney: Rose is running to the back now...and Warrior has a mic!
Warrior: Will I ever make a return to the ring at all? I can’t answer that at this time. Not because I know and it has to be kept a secret. I can’t answer that because I truly do not know at this time. Has it crossed my mind? Yes. In what capacity? With who? How? Those are good questions. Can I? Do I still have the fire and discipline that it would take? Please,... just a little common sense. I mean, there are men and women over a half-century old in the ring; none of them ever within a year’s worth of heartbeats of having the physical or mental discipline I hold. I put more determination into, and extracted more sweat from, working just “one of my abs” than all the exhaustion that would come out of and all the wetness they, covered in sponges, could wish to absorb while the entire New York City Fire Department ran every hose they have over their heads for an entire week long, sleepless shift. Don’t even get me started...yet...give me a few minutes at least to say hello and tell you what I have been up to.
Like most Warrior promos, this was taken from one of his online commentaries (that's what a "blog" USED to be called). I'm pretty sure it was his latest one at the time I wrote this match.
Zbyszko: Return to the ring? What does he think he's been doing since August?
Warrior: Those who wrote had much to say. Some of it vigorously expressed...both, of the negative and positive, here...some sensible, some sad, some sick, some just outright stupid and silly. Especially, the bible thumpers walloping me with quotes from its entire contents. I never knew the f-word was used, let alone so frequently, in that book. And these, responses that begin: “FOR CHRISTSAKES YOU ARE ONLY A WRESTLER, WHO ARE YOU TO...", then, end a few lines later, “FOR CHRISTSAKES YOU WERE NEVER A WRESTLER.” Thank you for your multiple choice assessments. The undiagnosed mentally retarded are alive and...let’s just say out there.
Zbyszko: Hey, Renegade's leaving!
Mooney: Yes, Renegade's on the apron...and Warrior sees him! Warrior walks over...
Warrior: If you are a parent, the second best thing you can do...being there as a parent being number one...is educate your children about the history of this country. Teach them young how to defend the American point of view, and not to be afraid to stand up for it. The country, in many places, not all, is going to hell-in-a-handbasket because freedom is being used against us. Freedom of speech, and the protection of one’s right to do so extends itself, also, to the freedom to think and act stupidly aand ignorantly. That stupidity and ignorance runs very deep. All the way into the most remote classrooms of our educational institutions. I know, many of you are working, working hard and long to provide for your families, and your time is limited. But you have to make the time to make safe the world that your kids, your grandkids, and your great grandkids will be living in. You do this by using any extra time you have to understand what the heck is going on in the America around you, and what kinds of influences your kids are getting, in their education and their playtime. What America IS, is evil to many. Some of that many are your neighbors and closest associates, naturalbutchreed, and now, you will feel the Power of the Warrior...in the form of a suplex, of the vertical variety!
Mooney: Warrior drops the microphone...and hooks Renegade for a suplex!
Zbyszko: Warrior knows how to execute a suplex?
Mooney: Warrior lifts Renegade up...no! It looks like Warrior tripped, and Renegade has shifted his weight on top of him!
Mooney: 3! Renegade has defeated the Ultimate Warrior!
A parody of the finish to Warrior's match with Rick Rude at WM5, only instead of Warrior tripping, Bobby Heenan grabbed his ankle and tripped him.
Zbyszko: Tis a dark day in the annals of the fWEo, Mooney.
Mooney: Renegade's getting out of here, and Warrior has the microphone again...
Warrior: You may have attained victory here tonight, ravishingrickrude, but if it were not for your manager, one bobbythebrainheenan, the Warrior would have suplexed you to the depths of Hell, where you would have rotted until the end of time just because you with to be the Warrior! And remember, the sweetest thing you could say to her is "I'm medicated and going to bed", while the sweetest thing she can say in return is...nothing! She will say nothing because she does not really like you, even as just a friend, and she is just being nice, as so not to make you feel unwanted! So sayeth the Warrior, and you musn't forget...tune in next week...same Warrior time, same Warrior place, and SAME WARRIOR CHANNELLLLAARRGGHHHH!
Zbyszko: We don't have a show next week.
Mooney: Well, that music means it's time for Evil-Lyn to come out here and tell us what her special announcement is.
Zbyszko: Please, Mooney. Like we DON'T know what she's gonna say. She's gonna tell us what we've all known for the past two years.
BORT: The whole idea behind this segment is that Evil-Lyn was FINALLY going to come out of the closet.
Mooney: Well, nevertheless, six weeks ago, on Jobbers & Polka Dots Forever, Evil-Lyn got Sphere's permission to come out here during WrestleActionZone and make this announcement. Two weeks later, she took Nitro Girl Siren behind closed doors and apparently told her what the announcement was. Tonight, everyone else will find out.
Zbyszko: Hey, I might say that women don't belong in this sport, but watching one get into the ring is pretty fun!
Evil-Lyn: Hey everyone...I haven't been on TV alot recently, but there's a reason for that, and I'm here to tell you all what that reason is. But first...Siren? You can come out now...and bring her with you...
Mooney: Here comes Siren...and Claire's with her!
Zbyszko: You know what? I'm actually enjoying this!
Mooney: Siren and Claire get into the ring...Siren looks excited, but Claire doesn't know what's going on...
Evil-Lyn: Claire, I wanted you to be here for this. After all...you were the person who got me into this business. After we rolled around on the floor that one night, I knew this was what I wanted to do with my life. Claire...everyone else...
Evil-Lyn: I'M GETTING MARRIED!
Mooney: Claire is ecstatic, and now all three women are partaking in a group hug!
Zbyszko: Well...I guess that makes up for it...
Evil-Lyn: And...and here's my soon-to-be-husband...
Evil-Lyn: BARRY BLADBERTH!
Zbyszko: BLADBERTH??? What does she see in him?
Mooney: I'm not entirely sure, but here comes Barry Bladberth to join in on the celebration. Living Legend, I'm sure these two will make a wonderful couple.
Zbyszko: I pray for their children's sake that they all take after their mother.
Mooney: Now all four are going backstage, where the celebration will probably continue, as we prepare for our next bout of the evening!