WR4I (wer4idiots) wrote,

Saturday Afternoon's Curtain Jerker -- 03/29/03

BORT: Okay, I thought that last SACJ was the last show before WrestleActionZone, which is why I figured it looked kind of rushed. We'll see about this one.

The final SACJ before WrestleActionZone opens in Sphere's office, where Jackhammer, Reginald VelJohnson, Lawrence Taylor, and Renegade have congregated.

"Gentlemen, I've summoned you all here for a reason.", Sphere told the four men who stood before him.

VelJohnson jumped forward. "I know why me and LT are here! It's because we're gonna dance, dance, DANCE! Now...where's the music?"

"I believe I have a copy of Prodigy's "Smack My Bitch Up" in that small, yet manageable, boom box over there. Feel free to get jiggy with it.", Sphere told him, before LT stepped forward.

"Oh...ah don't know 'bout that..."

"What do you mean? What the hell is YOUR problem?", Sphere demanded to know.

"Well...that's not a song we can dance to.", VelJohnson answered.

"It isn't? Why not? Do you not enjoy the occasional bitch smacking?"

"Wait...what's a bitch?", LT asks.

Sphere looks at LT, then VelJohnson. "You're out of my room. Seriously, just...just get out.", he says to them, while motioning for them to leave. VelJohnson and LT leave the room, somewhat dejected that they didn't get to dance in preparation for their Sphere Tag Team Title match at WrestleActionZone. "Hmm...they can't possibly be the culprits behind Bigelow's missing Hanes. They're my hand-picked team in the Sphere Tag Team Title match!", Sphere says aloud.

BORT: Like a few lines I've used before, the "Seriously, just...just get out." was taken from the movie "PCU".

"I thought Steve & Oddjob were your hand-picked team.", Jackhammer says to Sphere.

"No. They're simply replacing me. But that's only because I have more important things to worry about, I assure you. There's no way Steve or Oddjob could even play air guitar with MY coolness.", Sphere tells Jackhammer, before focusing his attention on Renegade.

"You. How are things going between you and Warrior? Should I expect to witness the second best match of the year at WrestleActionZone?"

"I don't even like him.", was Renegade's response.

"Why? What did he do to you?"

"He didn't do anything to me except scare me...just by talking to me."

Before Sphere could say anything else...


"Speak to me warriorrrrrrrrrs!"

"Son of a bitch.", Renegade mutters to himself before Warrior starts his usual rant.

"There is plenty of thinking and acting throughout man’s history that was incorrect and produced negative results. That kind of thought and behavior is not what has been used continuously from generation to generation to advance mankind. It survives only till the time it is rejected; it is rejected because it fails us, mankind. Much of this was a direct result of the fact that man dismissed his responsibility to think at all and, instead, used his feelings to justify his thoughts and actions. Man dealing with the world will not operate effectively this way. It is the tradition of man who acts on his thinking that has advanced and improved mankind...not man who has acted on his feelings. Those who think make the world work, not those who feel. Traditional does not mean as many would have the World believe: antiquated, out of style, outdated. It means simply WHAT HAS WORKED. Certainly, it is not what has not worked that people have followed continuously from generation to generation. Warrior individuals want to conserve what has worked...the traditional views, values and institutions, and they want to prevent the decay, the waste, the injury to them so as to continue their existence. Warrior individuals know and believe, without question, their life comes with an irrefutable responsibility determined by its nature. Human beings are the animals, the rational animals...able to think to figure out the world they exist in. Because they are, they are supposed to. To a warrior individual there is nothing more traditional about himself than that he think to handle positively and effectively his life; to him, there is nothing more necessary to do than use the animal they are, the way the Creator intended. And thy Creator IS..."

"Yes, yes, everyone knows that the Creator is Sphere.", Sphere said, interrupting Warrior. "Ooh, look at that...*I'm* Sphere! Haha, yes, yes, feel free to send me candy and red-heads this Easter. Alright, that's enough of the hard sell for YOUR match, so you may now go."

Sphere realizes that Renegade is already gone, and then looks at Warrior, who is flossing his teeth. "Well...Renegade didn't steal Bigelow's Hanes, because he showed how smart he was by LEAVING the room during a Warrior promo."

Warrior finishes flossing, but still isn't vanishing, so Sphere leans over and grabs a bottle of Surge. "Time to take one for the team.", Sphere says to the bottle, before tossing it at Warrior's head.


"Hey, it worked. Now....you.", Sphere said as he turned towards Jackhammer. "Wait...why DID I call you in here? I would say "You're here just to be on-camera", but I don't even want you on camera."

"I don't want myself on camera, either.", Jackhammer told his current boss and former tag team partner. Excuse me...former fWo Tag Team Championship partner...sucka, POW.

"Well, what are you doing here then?"

"I don't know."

"That's not an answer."

"YOU are not an answer."

"Am to!"

"No, you're not. If you were, you'd be erased for being a *wrong* answer."

"Oh yeah? What makes me so "wrong"?"

"I hate you."

"Ah-ah...but you don't matter. I have it on good authority."

"From who? That guy who wanted to bring back the biggest heel stable in the history of the..."

"Don't say it!"

"Um...okay. The biggest heel stable...the...that promotion's greatest heel...alright, you totally killed that joke."

Mike Bear used to kill jokes all the time by failing miserably at trying to be funny.

And so began this edition of Saturday Afternoon's Curtain Jerker...

WHY did this match go 2 minutes? Only thing of note that happens is when Clark goes for the low blow, then Duggan pulls a styrofoam cup out of his tights. Duggan wins, then Virgil runs in and beat him with a box of potato wedges from KFC. Yawn.
Rating: 1 Bort

BORT: All the matches on this show were mangled reviews of matches that various internet people did. This was one I did for Road Dogg vs. Chyna from King of the Ring '99, which went FIFTEEN MINUTES. Back when WR4I first started up, I reviewed random pay-per-views and Coliseum Home Videos and used a rating scale of 1-5 Borts.

SACJ went to a remote location (also known as "some room in the bingo hall where the event was being held"), where Mike Heftel and Mr. T were in training for their boxing match at WrestleActionZone, where T's Million Dollar Belt would be up for grabs. It hasn't been announced as to how many rounds it's scheduled for, or how the Million Dollar Belt can be won in a match like this, but do you really care? Honestly?

"Alright, T. I don't like you, you don't like me...", Heftel started.

"I like you!", T responded.

"Yes, maybe you do hate my guts more than I hate yours, but nonetheless...we don't like each other, and we're gonna settle this once and for all at WrestleActionZone in a boxing match, a mere fifteen days from now. But...that is now...this is then. Today, we're here to train for our match, and we've each brought a...well, a dummy. I've brought my STUMP Squad stablemate, the 1-2-3 Kid. You've brought your Luchadore stablemate...Scott Hart.", Heftel said, pointing at Texas Kid.

"TEXAS KID!", TK shouted.

"Why someone from Stamford is considered a "luchadore", I'll never know, but he's *your* stablemate, and *you* are a Luchadore. Also, conveniently enough, Kid and Scott are going to be on opposing tag teams at WrestleActionZone, so it ALL MAKES SENSE YOU UGLY BASTARD.", Heftel shouted, as he turned away from T and looked directly into the camera.

Kid spoke up. "Um...Mike? What am I gonna be doing in this thing?"

"You're in the STUMP Squad, Kid. You're about to get your ass kicked by a black man that nobody can understand."


TK walks up to T. Hopefully there's no confusion here. "Hey, you. What's going on with this whole dummy deal?"

"Mike and I are preparing for a boxing contest that will take place on the biggest stage of them all, and you are here to help me train for this contest. In mere seconds, Mr. Heftel will put on a pair of boxing gloves and strike you in the face with a right hook. This will occur right when you turn around."

"Uh...." TK has no idea what T just said, so he turns around to ask Heftel.


"What was that, a baby pillow?", TK asks, barely stunned.

"Whoa. Scott Hart equals hardcore.", Heftel says to Kid, who nods in agreement.

We'll catch up to these guys later on in the show, but now it's time for a match!

Wait, no it isn't.

SACJ went to the parking lot, where a bottle of Cherry 7-UP had just entered the building. Yeah, let's ignore the fact that the show started a good fifteen minutes ago and the workers are SUPPOSED to be in the building hours before the show starts. Before the bottle of Cherry 7-UP can leave the parking lot, it's attacked from behind by a bottle of 7-UP, it's opponent at WrestleActionZone. The bottle containing the artificially flavored cherry soft drink is thrown into...whatchamacallit...you know, that big steel door that comes down like a garage door? Yeah, it got thrown into one of those things. Everyone gets thrown into those things these days. Anyway, the bottle of 7-UP somehow manages to pop open the trunk to a nearby car, but before it can throw the bottle of Cherry 7-UP into the trunk, Steve climbs out, carrying Oddjob.

BORT: Only in fWEo could a 20-ounce soda bottle be driving a car and have a midget stowing away in the trunk.

"SLUMBER!", Steve shouts at the bottle of 7-UP, before clotheslining it's 8-ounce mark. Steve leaves the scene, confident in his abilities that he and Oddjob will walk away with the Sphere Tag Team Titles at WrestleActionZone. After all, he *did* just kick a soda bottle's ass.

Yes, that DOES say the soda bottle got clotheslined in the "8-ounce mark". Think about it.

I have no clue who Greene is, or even if I’m spelling his name right. But he’s Russian, despite not having a shaved head. Greene chokes Razor for about a half hour. This is a no-DQ match so Mongo interferes at will too. Razor is a “bloody mess” even though there’s a trickle running down his face. Razor gets tossed and he’s hit with a chair. More choking, and damn, is this boring. Ramon fights back, so Greene chokes him some more. Back in, and Razor kicks Mongo, so Greene runs in. They continue beating on him, even trying to pin him simultaneously but Razor kicks out. Even Cow finds that a little hard to swallow. Another double pin leads to another kickout. Razor Hulks up, cannons Greene and he gets the pin. The nWo Elite beat up Ramon some more, then stop when they finally realize he isn't Ken War. Speaking of which, Ken War, who has a front row seat, accidentally drinks a glass of acid, mistaking it for water. You can just guess what happens next. 3/4*.

BORT: No idea what match this is ripped from, nor do I remember whose review it was. I'm still trying to figure out exactly how Razor won. "Cannons"?

That was when the nWo theme started playing. When? Now, of course. Why? Who knows. Where? Wherever the fWEo is today. How? I really don't know. Who? Kevin Nash. Why? Good question. Yes, Kevin Nash is in "the effff, dubya, eeeee, ohhhh! The dubya, arrr, efff, iiii." This quote has indeed been joined in progress.

"Scott said there was a bar around here somewhere. Where the hell am I? This is the strangest name for a bar I've ever seen."

Meanwhile, somewhere else, Eliza The Jobber Slayer arrived to Sarah The Jobber Slayer's room. Where were the rest of the crew? Don't ask. Because I honestly don't know. Kay Fabe has gimmick issues due to BOB's March Mayhem 2003 and Xamfir…Jeannie…don't want to go there. Let's just say there's a lot of peanut butter and jelly action. Which, really shouldn't be happening when there are a bunch of Evil Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwiches ready to take over the world. Wait, I said I didn't want to go there! Why are we there!

"I mock you with my jelly," Xamfir said as he turned a bottle upside down on Jeannie. Slowly, the reddish stuff fell down in giant, cold hunks. Why are we here? Ratings? What, the sandwich filling demographic? Whatever. Then Xamfir turned the peanut butter upside down. Nothing happened. So he dug his hand in the jar and tossed a chunk of peanut butter down on her.

"Shouldn't I be undressed for this part?" Jeannie wondered.

"No. Because then this would be R-rated."

"But it would save me time from doing laundry. I hate laundry, Xamfir."

OK, enough of that. Back to the matter, at, hmmm. Now we've missed a big important chunk of plot development with Sarah and Eliza. Let me check my script. WAIT! Why are we back to Nash. And where did he get that 24 pack of beer?

"We need to get all the information we can on the Mayor," Sarah told Eliza and we jumped back to them.

"AHHHH. Let's do it! AHAHAHAHA!"

Nash heard that terrible screamy voice and cringed. "That can't be. Daffney?"

Sarah and Eliza. Nash. Back and forth, back and forth, walking footage like you've NEVER seen before in the fWEo, or likely ever will again. Or now, even. But anyway. As the Slayers rounded the corner, Eliza pulled out a banana, thinking there was a jobber there, this being the fWEo, and all.

"Eliza, NO" Sarah yelled.

But sadly, it was too late. Eliza stabbed Nash in the heart with her banana. But that didn't work, so she grabbed him by the legs, and in the oddest sight of the night, yes, Nash took a bump on a concrete floor. No that is NOT a mattress he fell on. That's the floor! I swear! Anyway, Eliza grabbed Nash's leg.

"Eliza, NO!" Sarah repeated.

But sadly, again, it was too late, again.



"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Eliza yelled. But then she realized. Nash wasn't a jobber. She had slayed…a real live former WWF and WCW champion! That was when she dropped the banana.

"Oh my God," Sarah said in disbelief. "You broke his knee cap. Do you realize he's now going to be out for another year!"

"OWWWWWWWEEEEEEEEEEEE. And I was just getting better, OWWWWWWWWW!"


Is this a cliffhanger? It must be, we just went to black.

"Okay, now I'm gonna give you a ball tap."

"You can't ball tap in boxing!"

We're back in the "remote location", where Texas Kid is playing Mike Heftel's "practice dummy".

"What planet are you from? Boxing is no-holds-barred!", Heftel tells TK.

"No. There's rules in boxing. Haven't you ever heard the term "no hitting below the belt"?"

"Of course. I've said that to plenty of people, but they go ahead and do it anyway, and baby, it's MAH TAHHHHHM, MAH TAHHHHHM!"

BORT: That'd be HHH's old theme song that Heftel is singing.

"Your what?"

"My, uh, time to shine, you know?"

"No. I don't."

While this argument goes on, Mr. T is telling the 1-2-3 Kid what his role is in this training session.

"Now, all you have to do is stand there while I give you some sharp blows to the face."

A nervous look comes across Kid's face, and he reaches over and taps Heftel on the shoulder.

"...then my nuts were...oh, hey Kid, what's up?"

"Um...I think Mr. T wants to have sex with me."

"Dammit, T, I knew it all along!", Heftel shouted, pointing at T.

Even though it's been established that Heftel and T are basically friendly rivals, Heftel has apparently had a sneaking suspicion all along that T was a pedophile.

"All I want to do is punch somebody. It'll help build my confidence."

"Fine. If you wanna do everything in the book except for punch someone while wearing a boxing glove, you can go get your squeegee, and Scott, or as I now like to call him, Mr. I Don't Wanna Job To A Ball Tap, can go get his Mean Street Posse buddies, and the two of you can march back in here and crack the skulls of Mike Heftel and the 1-2-3 Kid!"

I think I was going for a Sid Vicious/Justice joke with the "squeegee" line, as he once got into an argument with Brian Pillman and threatened to beat him up with a squeegee (in real life, that is). The Mean Street Posse reference is, of course, Heftel comparing Texas Kid to Shane McMahon, as both hail from, or around, Stamford, CT.

Kid taps on Heftel's shoulder again.

"Isn't that us?"

"Yes, Kid...it is. Prepare yourself...for initiation."

Another "PCU" reference. I must've watched it right before writing this show.

"But I already got initiated! Six times!"

Mr. T and Texas Kid left the "remote location", and will most likely return in a couple of minutes, where unmitigated hilarity will ensue.

Who would have thought that 8 months later, all three Janitors would STILL be active in the fWEo and getting pushed, and seperately at that? Life is pretty fucking weird. W-w-w-w-w-waru and Nine do a good hot opening sequence to get the crowd into it. Eleven looks utterly different with long hair and moustache. The future TAG TEAM CHAMPION OF THE WOORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRLD, Eleven, shows some nice stuff, including an inverted bulldog off the top. Seven plays...well, Seven. Quick tags from the heel side means resting is kept to an absolute minimum. Seven casts his lot into the clothesline selling contest with a double somersault with a twist variation, but comes in a weak second to BQ. Nine goes headfirst to the post and Seven makes the hot tag to Waru. Chops, slam, DDT and a bodypress off the top rope. Waru must have eaten his Wheaties or something. Nine hammers away, but it's the Pissed off Racial Stereotype...oops, enzuigiri. Have a seat, Waru. Beef with a top rope headbutt for two. A donnybrook breaks out. Mega Job whip Nine into Waru. Triple headbutt. Crowd is getting rabid. Heels go for a triple swandive headbutt, but miss. Whoa, that would have been pretty fucking cool. Beef is staggered and Waru rolls him up for the pin. Weak ending, but this match was DA BOMB! Best match I've seen out of ANY of them in a long time. ****, and yes that's a typo.

BORT: Taken from Scott Keith's rant on the six-man tag at Summerslam '93. Waru is playing Tatanka, Seven & Eleven are the Smoking Gunns, Nine is Bam Bam Bigelow for some reason, and Mega Job are the Headshrinkers. Few things I notice while reading that over:

Seven is pretty much unchanged.

Nine is acknowledged and no one questions who he is.

Beef actually hits a headbutt off the top.

Waru hits alot of offense, and the "Wheaties" mention actually serves as an excuse why.

If the fWEo continued on, all three Janitors would have apparently become huge stars and held titles and everything.

Krueger sat around making a scale model of himself stomping villagers in some far Eastern village, when he heard a knock on the door.

"Zah! Alwayz ven I'm buzy!"

When the door opened, he stared, a bit startled, at the figure in the doorway. Was this mysterious person here to hurt him or make him go incredibly deaf. Only one way to find out.

"Vat do zou vant, Jobber Zlayer?"

"I killed your guy, AHHHHAHAHAHA, there must be AHHHHHH job opening!" Eliza "The Jobber Slayer" said/screamed.

"Actzully, ze Mr. Treat diez all ze time. Vho knowz vhen he zhall be back?"

"Well, AHHHHHHHH'll kill him AGAIN!! I'm your new number one, AHHHHH! David Flair is driving me....me....AHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"David Vlair, hmm? Zat, he doez zeem to drive people... inzane..." Krueger pondered.


Krueger thought about it, and then thought about his true thorn in his side, "And ze Nowell?"

"I HATE ANGEL! AHHHHHHHHHH!" That was when Eliza pulled out a banana and started staking the watery bottom of the sewer. "DIIIIIEEEEEEEEE ANGEL, DIEEEEEE!"

Krueger smiled his horribly stained toothed smile, "Oh, yes... zis zhall be good."

"AHHHHHHH?" Eliza wondered.

"Welcome aboard ze Krueger... team."

"So, yeah, I don't get it. If I'm teaming with La Parka to face the 1-2-3 Kid & Stump, why does it look like we're building up to me and you against the 1-2-3 Kid & Mike Heftel?", Texas Kid asked Mr. T as they approached the "remote location".

"I have no clear cut answer. Maybe some variety was needed. After all...Stump is teaming with La Parka in the main event today. In order to answer your question, we must also consider *that* pairing."

BORT: Yes, T blatantly points out the crazy booking and tells everyone it's best not to question it. And now that I think about it, since the fWEo shows were televised...obviously the people watching would know what T was saying, since they'd be in on the joke. So that means T's whole gimmick was almost like that time Warrior appeared in Hogan's mirror and not only could Hogan see him, but so could the TV viewers, the crowd in the arena watching on the big screen, and the PBP team. That would mean everyone on the fWEo roster would be as clueless as Eric Bischoff, the only person alive who had no idea what Hogan was freaking about. Hmph.

"Okay, don't answer me. Guess we just needed some variety or something. And am I the ONLY one who finds it weird that La Parka's teaming with Stump in the main event? C'mon, you're the leader of the Luchadores, get with the program!", TK said to T, shaking his head, right as they re-enter the "remote location". While they were gone, Heftel had armed himself with a tree branch, while Kid had a plush SpongeBob SquarePants doll and a squeaky football, one which is ideal for amusing dogs or small children.

I don't know why, but I really just like the "one which is ideal for amusing dogs or small children" line.

"Ah went and cut me a switch!", proclaims Heftel.

For those youngins out there, a "switch" is what parents used to call a tree branch that was used to whoop their kids with.

T and TK were prepared to fight, as T had brought a foam hammer and a street hockey ball, while TK had an armadillo.

"Holy crap, Mike!", Kid screamed. "They've got a street hockey ball! Do you know how much those things hurt?"

"Kid, they only hurt when they hit a place on your body that's unprotected, and as you can see, the two of us are completely unprotected."

Seriously, if you don't think a street hockey ball hurts if it hits you, then you must've never been hit by a street hockey ball.

T threw the street hockey ball at Heftel's shin, and he cried out in pain, but somehow managed to smack T in the head with the tree branch, which, since it's Heftel, wasn't that big and probably didn't hurt anyway. Meanwhile, TK had set the armadillo down on the floor.

"Get 'im! C'mon, go! Rip out his gizzard!", he commanded the armadillo to do, as he pushed it to go toward Kid. "Dammit, I fed you those sugar packets myself! You should be full of energy!" Kid, not knowing what else to do, hugged his SpongeBob doll tightly, and squeezed the football, before throwing it at TK. The armadillo followed the football through the air, and leapt for the football, but apparently mistook TK's shoulder for the football. "OH MY GOD SOMEONE HELP ME! IT'S GOING TO EAT ME ALIVE!", TK screamed, as the armadillo realized it's mistake and crawled after the football. "THIS IS THE WORST PAIN *EVER*! OH, THE ABSOLUTE HORROR AND AGONY I AM EXPERIENCING!", he continued to scream as Heftel accidentally smacked himself in the face with his tree branch.

"Mr. Heftel, I noticed that you just accidentally hit yourself in the face with your very own tree branch...do you need any medical attention?", T asked him.

"Stop insulting me! I need a doctor!"


Kid stood there and continued to hug his SpongeBob doll as this segment went onto the level of "Utterly Ridiculous" five minutes ago, and thus, it's time for the main event.

"Hey, you never used your hammer.", can be heard coming from Heftel as the scene faded.

I added that last line after re-reading the segment before posting it and noticed the foam hammer never came into play. Then again, I think the visual of T arming himself with that was good enough.

BORT: This one was taken from CRZ's recap of the four-way tag match where Kane & Mankind won the Tag Titles from Steve Austin & Undertaker. The other two teams were the New Age Outlaws and Rock & D-Lo Brown. Since CRZ would usually give the wrestlers wacky names, I did the same:


Sister Gimmepain = Sister Payne

my favorite childhood toy = Ted E. Ruxpin

And "GOD" (Sphere, of course) was originally in bright yellow font. We used a black background on the page, so it did stand out.

BQ and Sphere start off. A little back and forth and Sphere leaves the ring after foiling a CZC attempt. Funpants comes in, eats a punch and leaves. Sphere tries to suplex BQ to the floor, but BQ counters and takes Sphere's throat to the top rope. BQ suplexes Sphere in. Sphere manages to suplex Evil Smokey. Okay, no he doesn't. A fan ALMOST makes it into the ring and he's quickly moved out of camera range. Five seconds later, it's revealed that it's just La Parka. Evil Smokey falls to a Thesz press, punches in bunches, and an elbow drop. Now BQ tags Bigelow, who continues to beat down Evil Smokey. Bigelow tags Stump, and Evil Smokey finally comes back with an elbow. Cross body for 1. Punch, head waggle. Evil Smokey puts his head down and Stump hits the Rocker dropper, just to piss BQ off. Stump drops him on his face for 2. Tag to La Parka who hits the funky knee drop. Cover - 1, 2, 3. Whoops, Evil Smokey forgot to lift the shoulder but the referee pulled up on the third count anyway. Ah well. We all know that La Parka is the designated face in peril, even though he's a heel, so Evil Smokey rakes the eyes and tags in Sphere. Sphere with punches and boots to the face. Parka manages a back body drop, but Sphere tags in Funpants. Kick to the head. Sphere is still in Funpants' corner and Evil Smokey is really confused about him being there. Sphere finally makes it back to his own corner and Evil Smokey is tagged in. Great suplex by Evil Smokey. Whip into the ropes, duck, Parka manages a kick to the face and a tag to Stump. Half hour suplex is impressive. 1, 2, Underweartaker pulls Stump off Evil Smokey. Evil Smokey manages a few punches to take control. Whip into the ropes, elbow. Evil Smokey tags BQ, nearly breaking BQ's hand in the process. BQ is punching and wrenching the arm. Tag to Underweartaker, crowd goes nuts, thanks to Parka accidentally pressing the "Huge Pop" button on the little remote control thingie he carries around every now and then. Underweartaker with punch after punch until Stump is outside the ring. BQ drops him on the barricade. Underweartaker with a kick to Sphere for good measure, and Sphere tries to fight back...against Sister Payne. Underweartaker and Stump are back in the ring. Whip into the corner. Underweartaker with a punch. Stump turns around and tags BQ. BQ and Underweartaker are in with a staredown, thanks to Parka and Bigelow holding BQ in place, desperately wanting to see him crap his pants. Meanwhile Stump and Sphere are brawling on the outside. Now BQ and the Underweartaker decide to just beat up Stump and La Parka. BQ tags Parka. Underweartaker does that tightrope thing. Double palm thrust. Tag to Evil Smokey, who continues hitting Parka in the head. Bodyslam, legdrop, near fall. Tag to Funpants. Sphere anticipates Dockers sponsors Senor Funpants' finisher...Nice Pants and starts to shout. Side Russian legsweep for 2. Funpants takes Parka to Evil Smokey's corner and hits his face with Evil Smokey's really big foot. Tag to Evil Smokey, headlock is applied. Hey, none of the champions in the fWEo are in this match, what does that tell us. Parka gets out and punches Evil Smokey. Spine-bomb, 1, 2, Stump makes the save. Funpants is in and NOW it's time for Dockers sponsors Senor Funpants' finisher...Nice Pants - Sphere goes nuts for that. 1, 2, and *BQ* makes the save. Tag to Sphere - geez, that's not smart to let another team get a chance for the pin. Another submission hold. We're in overtime now -it's past 4. Sphere with a few choice words for BQ and Sphere. Yes, Sphere likes to reprimand himself alot. Mooney says we haven't seen Bigelow in this match yet, which is a lie. Dumb bitch. Oh well. Whip into the ropes - Parka manages a side Russian leg sweep (popular move tonight). Sphere waffles Stump to make sure Parka can't make the tag, so Sphere lunges for the Underweartaker, and makes the tag! Now EVERYBODY'S in the ring, Katie (yes, I love you too) bar the door, pier six brawl, etc. The ring clears out slowly. Underweartaker chokeslams Evil Smokey, tosses Stump over the top rope - Bigelow's got Underweartaker! Greetings From Asbury Park! 1, 2, 3! (14:30) That move wouldn't usually seem like enough to put the Underweartaker down, but maybe he WANTED his brother to win the tag team titles? No, of course not, since Bigelow and Underweartaker aren't related and there were no tag titles on the line in this match. BQ has a funny look for his tag team partner...or, actually, his tag team partner's valet. Underweartaker catches him and BQ doesn't know what else to do, so he reaches down in his tights and rips off his underwear, offering them to Underweartaker. We quit at 4:05.

The "none of the champions in fWEo" line is true...but for the match this was taken from, *all* the WWF champions were in there. The references to it almost being 4:00 and such was because the "time" the show usually aired was 2-4PM eastern. The last few lines were all me, as I don't recall Austin offering Undertaker a pair of briefs after they lost.

Well, that wasn't a bad match at all - but it doesn't make up for the seven quarter hours of pure crap that I had to endure. I hope it isn't like this at WrestleActionZone or I'm putting in for a vacation.

Speaking of which...where are all the fancy video packages for the biggest show of the year? It's almost like this isn't a real fed or something.
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