Yes, his former tag team partner, for those of you who either don't remember or simply choose to ignore that fact.
"I'm sorry, my mistake. So, Nathan Jones...I've called you into my office for a reason. Yes, that's right. It's not like you just magically appeared in here just so we could get you on the show. You're worthless anyway. I mean, who would waste time on YOU?"
"You are wasting time as we speak.", Jackhammer told Sphere as he looked at his watch.
"You will spoke when speaken to, Bull Buchanan. Now...there's a match at WrestleActionZone...a match to determine the first Sphere Tag Team Champions. Four teams will compete for those titles, one of which, naturally, is me."
BORT: All three names that Sphere referred to Jackhammer as were guys in the WWF (E, whatever) at the time who happened to be bald, just like Jackhammer. Actually...Bull might've been gone by then. But he was still bald.
"And the three losing teams will be Mega Job, Janitors Seven & Eleven, and Reginald VelJohnson & Lawrence Taylor. But I've decided to put a little twist on this match. Instead of having a referee in the ring to count the pinfall, I want someone to watch the match from ringside and judge every team. The team with the highest score after, say, you know...whenever...will be awarded the match and the titles. YOU, Boris Zhukov, will be that judge. So, I look forward to you presenting me with the Sphere Tag Team Titles, at WrestleActionZone, LIVE from the Manhattan Center on April 13th! Hey, where are you going? I take that as a "Yes, master, I will do your bidding." Ha-ha! I'm a lock for that match."
Zhukov = also bald. But he hadn't been seen pretty much ANYWHERE since 1990.
Yes, Jackhammer had simply shrugged it off and walked away while Sphere was explaining everything to him. Before Sphere could settle in and prepare for tonight's show, however, Evil-Lyn walked into his office.
"Oh. Why hello there, Miss I've No-Showed The Past Two Events."
"Look, Sphere, I'm REALLY sorry...it's just that...there's been alot on my mind lately."
"Has there? Explain."
"Well...I can't really go into it that much right now...but...we've got that pay-per-view soon, right?"
"Yes. WrestleActionZone. April 13th. Only on UPN."
I've always enjoyed the fact that our events advertised as pay-per-views were televised on UPN.
"Well...it's our biggest show of the year...I wanna make an announcement there. It's really important."
"Hmm...since you're hot, I'll let you make your little announcement there. Damn you and your hotness."
"Thank you SO much!", Evil-Lyn said, clasping her hands together. She giggled and then walked out of the office.
"What, no oral?"
Jobbers & Polka Dots Forever headed down to the ring, as "Basketball" played, bringing out Reginald VelJohnson and his tag team partner, Lawrence Taylor, for this one-on-one contest. The duo danced down the ramp and continued to dance once they got into the ring, before "Heterosexual Man" hit, meaning it was time for a certain someone to make his entrance.
Surely if there was a slapnutz in the audience, they'd "pop" for Waru, even though he can't even find his way to the ring. He had climbed over the guardrail and is now taunting a plastic folding chair. After getting his ass whooped by the chair, LT hopped the guardrail and rescued him. LT carried Waru through the "crowd", kicking a few chairs out of the way as he did so, and accidentally dropped him over the guardrail. LT did a dance of concern before hopping the guardrail, landing right on Waru. He then picked the masked man up and rolled him into the ring. Cow mooed and the match was on.
BORT: Slapnutz was a poster on...um...whichever message board was running at the time...who was a huge Waru mark.
Once he got to his feet, Waru turned to the nearest corner and thanked the second turnbuckle for saving him from the cotton candy vendor. VelJohnson attempted to attack from behind, but Waru turned around three minutes later and was able to avoid his opponent. Of course, it's not like he realized that VelJohnson ran into the turnbuckle and fell backwards on the mat, out cold. LT, sensing his partner was in danger, threw in the towel. We're not sure why he threw in the towel...whether it was to end the match, or perhaps an attempt to revive VelJohnson, we'll never know, because the towel hit Waru, and caused him to fall over, right on top of VelJohnson. The three-count was academic. Waru, much to his surprise, was announced as the winner, but didn't have much time to celebrate, because Janitor Nine came out from the crowd, brandishing the North Dakotan Janitorweight Title as a weapon. The reason being that the Wominternopean Jobberweight Title would've hurt more and he wouldn't want that.
He waited for Waru to turn around.
Finally, Janitor Nine had to yell at him, "Hey, you big dummy! >:o You're supposed to turn around! :-("
Waru looked around but couldn't detect who was saying what, "Huh? What? I don't even know where you are, how can I turn around? And why do you want me to turn around, anyway, whoever you are?"
"Because I want to... um... give you a cookie? :-\"
"Does it have nuts in it? I can't stand nuts. They'll give me a rash." Waru said.
"Just turn around already! >:o" Janitor Nine shouted, "I'm kind of irritated at the moment since my fellow Janitors didn't bother to INVITE ME TO THEIR FREAKING CAMPING TRIP and all. >:o"
Waru turned around. Unfortunately for Janitor Nine, it wasn't in a direction he'd like.
"Okay. Give me the cookie." Waru said.
Janitor Nine grumbled.
Then he hit Waru over the head with the North Dakotan Janitorweight title.
Waru didn't even get knocked down.
"Hey, is there a fly buzzing around or something?" Waru asked.
Janitor Nine gave up, grumbled, and wandered away, leaving Waru to just stand there, waiting for his cookie to be delivered. When it didn't come, Waru was angry.
"Hey! You didn't give me my cookie! You big dumb... bum person!" Waru shouted, before he angrilly chased after Janitor Nine, but ended up going in the opposite direction from where Nine left, tripped over Cow, and hit his head on a nearby chair.
Once in a great while, someone comes along with a great idea. Every other time, we're forced to put up with this.
Someone thought it would be cute to rip off Mike Tenay (who rips off MIKE TENAY?), and give Evil Smokey the Bear the ability to grill people for one minute.
Yeah, that's cool.
Evil Smokey sat in a huge recliner. He didn't quite fit. Across from him...
"I'm ready, toughguy!" Duggan called out to Evil Smokey. His evil eyes ripped Duggan apart.
Duggan smiled, and waved back. Smokey lashed out at him.
"YOU GONNA ANSWER MY QUESTIONS, BITCH!"
"I'm ready to serve our country, toughguy!"
"QUESTION ONE, FUCKA! WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE FUGGIN' COLOR, BITCH?!"
"WHAT IS THREE PLUS THREE, SLIM?"
"WHO TOOK MY BOYZ' TAPE, FUCKUH?!"
"I don't know, HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
"WHAT YOU CALL ME, BITCH?!"
"I didn't call you ANYTHING, toughguy...HOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
"YOU CALLED ME A HO, BITCH! YOU GONNA GET ATE!"
And, with that, Evil Smokey stuck Duggan in his mouth. Larry Zbyszko walked by with a chess set.
"You want to bite off more than you can chew, you pawn of the human version of what I have in my hands?"
"WHAT YOU TALKIN BOUT, SON?!"
"I'm talking about you, me, and these little pieces here. Get that greasy blue-bottomed vagabond out of your mouth, and face me in the game of plastic chess. He's Jim Duggan, anyway...he'll give you the vapors."
"DA VAPORS, YOU BALD PSYCHO HO?!"
"The vapors, you big piece of...bear."
Evil Smokey quickly spit Duggan out, and turned to Zbyszko.
"BITCH, I GONNA GET YOU IN CHECKMATE!"
"You're going to get me in what, now?"
Nighttime. Kay Fabe, Xamfir and Jeannie were sitting on a bed in some sort of run-down Beaverton motel, looking quite a bit troubled as we joined them.
"It's just not right," Jeannie said.
"She didn't job a natural jobbing," Xamfir said. "I thought we were all in agreement we need to bring her back."
"Did she win the Royal Battle battle royal?" Jeannie asked.
"We all know she didn't. But she eliminated herself from the match," Kay Fabe explained. "She saved Angel from elimination."
"Yeah for about two seconds," Xamfir said, as everyone laughed.
"I need some air," Jeannie said.
"Me too," Kay seconded.
"I do to, wait up girls," Xamfir said running after them into the cold night.
"We're only missing one key ingredient to bring Sarah back," Kay Fabe said. "And that ingredient is a car."
"Now, where do you suppose we could get a car," Xamfir wondered, pulling his underwear out of his crack as he asked this and then sighed in relief from the movement.
"Indeed. Where could we get a car?" Kay said.
"A car," Jeannie said scratching her head.
"And why are you looking at me?" Adam Nowell asked. How did he get there? Call it Woj-ic. It doesn't have to make sense. "The big evil bear destroyed my car!"
"Oh Jeannie?" Xamfir said with a smile. "I wish I had a brand new, um....what was your last car Angel?"
*Sigh* "Plymouth Horizon."
"BWAHAHAHAHAHA. OK. Jeannie, I wish I had a new, *snort* Plymouth Horizon," Xamfir wished.
"Your wish is my command." She pulled out a Playstation 2 joystick and began punching the buttons rapidly. And before you know it, a Plymouth Horizon dropped from the heavens.
"Gotta love cheat codes. Otherwise, life would just be so boring, Thank God life is just like a big video game since I met you, Jeannie."
"Whatever. My master."
The scene was set, not in the ECW Arena where Jobbers & Polka Dots Forever was taking place, but in some unknown part of the world where a campfire, seven jobbers, and a stepladder were situated. Yes, folks, Beef and Janitor Seven had finally organized their camping trip, and both gangs were there. Well, except Janitor Nine, but they all forgot who he was anyway.
They even brought along two guests.
"Explain to me exactly why I ended up with you idiots, again." Texas Kid said.
"Silly Scott," Beef said, not noticing that Texas Kid's mask had turned mad with rage and steam was somehow coming out of his ears in response, "It's obvious. Sphere didn't have anywhere to put you on his card, so you're stuck with us."
La Parka shimmied.
"Yes, Pah-ka, you were invited." Janito said, as he held up a package of marshmellows, "Marshmellows?"
La Parka shimmied.
Janito tossed him the marshmellows.
"Man, this is meanieheadingly great. Not a meanieheaded cloud in the sky, nothing can go wrong with this meanieheaded trip!" Eleven said.
Everyone turned to look at Janitor Eleven as if he had grown an arm out of his ass that was playing jacks using detachable testicles.
"You jinxed it!" Seven said, holding his nuts in preperation for something horrible to happen.
"Now we'll have horrible things happen to us!" Beef added.
"DEATH." Steve tossed in.
"Oh, right, like, what could meanieheadingly happen in the middle of nowhere?"
The "camera" panned to the left, past some of the trees and bushes, to reveal the two most frightening things seen on an fWEo show since Sphere held his "Midnight Sessions" where he sang "My Way" by Frank Sinatra over and over again until Nitro Girl Siren kicked him out of her home. They were the two most immoral creatures ever spawned, and the most immoral things to come out of BOB since the REALLY Nasty Boys. They also happened to be the BOB Tag Conqueror champions.
"OKAY, SHITHEAP, YOU DRAGGED ME OUT HERE, WHAT THE FUCK IS UP?" Spacecop (=C]) asked. If Spaceduck weren't just a smiley, he would have pointed in the direction of the camping people. However, he was a smiley, and the drawback to being a smiley was the fact that he had no hands. So, he just kind of leaned toward them instead.
"IT'S SIMPLE. SEE THOSE FUCKERS?" Spaceduck (=<>) asked. Spacecop nodded, so Spaceduck continued, "WELL, WE'RE GONNA EJACULATE ALL OVER THEIR CAMPING TRIP."
"WILL THIS INVOLVE CORPSE RAPING?" Spacecop asked.
"IS THAT ALL YOU THINK ABOUT?"
"IT MAY. I THINK I SAW A DEAD RACCOON OVER THERE SOMEWHERE." Spaceduck said, nudging himself in the direction of said dead raccoon.
"I'LL GET BACK TO YOUR NEFARIOUS PLOT IN A MOMENT, THEN." Spacecop said, as he ventured away to rape the dead raccoon. If Spaceduck had shoulders, he would have shrugged.
"GOD DAMMIT, YOU FUCKING CORPSE RAPING BITCH, GET BACK HERE. WE HAVE AN EVIL PLAN TO WORK OUT AND YOU'RE RUINING IT!"
The "camera" panned back to the camping jobbers.
"Did anyone hear something?" Texas Kid asked.
"No, Scott, I didn't just hear two smilies plot our death and rape, in that exact order. Why?" Beef asked.
Texas Kid didn't answer. He just lunged for Beef and tried to strangle him, except that it was hard to strangle someone when you're mainly just tickling him in the stomach.
The sounds of N'SYNC filled the ECW Arena, as "Tearin' Up My Heart" brought out a bottle of 7-UP. Once it reached the ring, it tested out the ropes, waiting for it's opponent. The Ultimate Warrior Theme played, bringing out...well, the Ultimate Warrior, duh. He ran down the ramp, circled the outside of the ring six times, and finally entered the squared circle, where he proceeded to run back and forth across the ring, bouncing off the ropes as he did so. Finally, he grabbed the top rope and shook it wildly. Surprisingly, his behaviour didn't faze the bottle of 7-UP at all. Before Cow could even moo, Warrior had grabbed a mic.
"In the year nineteen-hundered-eighty-five the Warrior received a phone call from one of the owners of Gold's Gym in Venice, California, Ed Connors. I had known Ed for a few years when I had trained in California for what I believe was the 1985 Jr. Mr. USA contest. After an unanticipated, and, in my mind, unsatisfactory placement at this contest, I had returned to Atlanta to finish up clinical requirements in hopes of obtaining my Doctor of Chiropractic degree. Yet, shortly after I had returned, Ed had called me to tell me of a man whom he knew was looking for someone like me, a god among gods, to fill a spot on what was to be a team of professional wrestlers. The rest is history. The taking of but one breath begins the recording of time...the opening of but one eye begins the recording of a story...the step of but one foot forward begins the recording of a history. And YOU, geniuslannypoffo, have acheived just as much success in this sport of kings that the Warrior has, and because of your internal accomplishments, the people will have to wait another day to see the two of us clash."
BORT: In all honesty, I have no idea if that rant was copied from a Warrior online commentary or it was just something I wrote after doing a little research. Eh, works either way.
If anyone had actually paid to watch this match, surely they'd be booing at this bait-and-switch. They'd also be groaning at the fact that Warrior was getting ready to talk again.
"Often times it's not until you get down off the horse that's been carrying you do you realize the miles traveled. Then, and only then, do the places, people, and things accomplished come into foke. Being here in this ring, specifically with the Warrior, says you are aware of who the Ultimate Warrior is...at least, as a manner of speaking goes...and odds are, you're aware of my accomplishments. Some of you might remember more of this journey than even I, his creator and lifeline. This would not at all surprise me."
It was obvious that SOMEONE couldn't take it anymore. Renegade ran into the ring and blasted Warrior in the back with a chair. Warrior didn't fall down, however, as he just grabbed the top rope and began shaking it. Meanwhile, a bottle of Cherry 7-UP had also run into the ring and attacked a bottle of 7-UP. Renegade continued to hit Warrior with the chair, all while screaming various obscenities. Renegade grew tired of the fact that Warrior wouldn't go down, so he tossed down the chair and punted a bottle of 7-UP out of the ring. He turned back toward Warrior, perhaps to lift him up and accidentally drop him on his head when trying to perform a basic maneuver, but...
Warrior appeard at the top of the ramp.
"One Who Thinks He Is The Warrior But Is Not...you and your companion presently gracing the squared circle have wronged myself and the refreshing soft drink that the powers-that-be tried to pit against the Warrior. In eleven days time...Saturday Curtain Jerker's Afternoon...we will meet our two attackers in that very ring, and will be triumphant, for I am, and this clear soft drinks believes in....THE WARRIORAAAAARRRRRGGGGHHHHH!"
Larry Zbyszko looked around. He picked up a bishop...then put it down.
He picked up his queen. She had a nice rack, he thought. He decided against pointing that out to Evil Smokey; however, since I can read his mind, I can report it. And since I can read *your* mind...stop being a perv.
"Hmmm...alright, I'll move my horsey in this game of man-bear chess...over...here."
Evil Smokey tilted his head back, his eyes open wide. He let out a great bellow. He looked down, and moved his queen.
"That's the SIXTH time in fifteen minutes!"
"YOU JUST BE A SUCKUH, HOLLA BACK YOUNGIN!"
"FINE, HO! YOU WANNA TIP?"
"What's that? I'm a Living Legend, and I'm getting a tip from a gigantic evil bear...alright, fine."
"FOO, I TOOK MY PAWN HERE, AND MOVED HIM HERE! THEN I WAIT FOR YO SILLY BITCHASS TO MOVE, AND THEN I MOVE MY QUEEN OUT HERE! THEN YO STUPID ASS MOVES AGAIN, AND I MOVE MY OTHER PAWN HERE! THEN YO DUMB NO-LOGIC ASS MOVES ANYWHERE, BECAUSE YOU A DUMB MUTHAFUCKA, AND I MOVE MY G BISHOP HERE! YOU MAKE ONE MO STUPID DIPSHIT MOVE, AND BAM, MUTHAFUCKA!
"Well," Zbyszko said.
He added: "I guess I'm just a pawn in the plastic game of chess."
"What in the world?" Zbyszko interjected. "I had a witty ending there to this segment, and now you want to continue? Hello, awkwardness!"
"SHUT UP HO, AND TELL ME WHERE MY BOYZ TAPE IS!"
"Your what with the who now?"
"GAH! I WASTED WHIPPIN YO ASS IN CHESS FOR THIS?!"
And so, Smokey stuck Zbyszko in his mouth. He quickly spit him out.
"DAMN! YOU USE TOO MUCH HAIRSPRAY!"
"Well, I haven't been this insulted in...hmmm..."
Zbyszko began to count on his hands.
Meanwhile, whatever this is moved on.
"Ah, glad you're here."
Sphere sat in his office. Across from him: Virgil, Mr. T, and Senor Funpants.
"It's time for...the STRATEGY SESSION OF DOOM!"
"Where are the muffins?" Funpants asked.
"You fucking moron," Funpants replied. "I asked for fucking muffins, you goddamn IDIOT."
BORT: And with that, it's quite clear that Comey wrote this segment. Just figured I'd point that out since Sphere's in it and usually that means I'm involved, but this one was all Comey.
"Funpants!" Sphere yelled.
"Kayfabe," he whispered.
"So, we're here to discuss the strategy for the..."
Meanwhile, Virgil turned to T.
"You want this belt, chicken?"
"You bet I do."
"Chicken, speak english. I ain't go no time for your jibba jabba, chicken."
"Sir, please refrain from using my vernacular when insulting me."
"Can we get this chicken some sort of night class so he can habla English?"
"Yeah, using incorrect Spanish is going to do the trick. Now, the belt..."
Sphere yelled at Funpants, who had him in a headlock.
"You sorry excuse for Eric Bischoff, you give me that fuckin Clark bar right now."
"We're on the same side here, you nincompoop!"
"CLARK BAR, YOU IDIOT!"
"Fine," Sphere said. Meanwhile...
"Stop reaching for my belt, chicken! You turned me down!"
"But you said..."
"Chicken, talk to me like a man, chicken."
That's when T did it.
Virgil goggled. Sphere spun in his chair. Funpants pushed the chair, knocking Sphere from it.
T...threw...his red beanbag.
"Timeout in the strategy session!"
A referee ran into the room. T pointed at the belt, then pointed at the beanbag.
"T is going to challenge the ruling in the room that Virgil is still the Million Dollar Champion."
He then left to his replay booth, which was a giant TV with a curtain across it.
"Funpants, that's MY chair! We're in CAHOOTS! CAHOOTS!"
"Sit the fuck down and shut up."
Meanwhile, the ref was having a hard time understanding the replay. It appeared that T was going to lose the challenge, and lose a timeout in the process. But then...he hit the rewind button. And there it was, clear as day.
"I BE DA NEW CHAMP, SUCKA!"
Well, that did it. The ref walked back into the middle of the room.
"After viewing the replay, the call on the field has been overturned...and NEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW Million Dollar Champion...T! He will NOT be charged with a timeout!"
Virgil bitched about something (chicken), and threw down his belt. Upon leaving, he bumped into...
...Larry Zbyszko. Zbyszko looked at his fingers...it appeared that he was...
Zbyszko beamed, then walked away.
If you don't get that joke, go back and re-read the show...also, ask your parents why they didn't get a dog instead of having you, because you obviously don't have the brain capacity to live a healthy life.
"What the hell? Since when did Beaverton get a mall?" Nowell asked as he and the Shaggy Gang somehow ended up in a mall that just happened to be in Beaverton for some reason, "I thought this place was so backwater that its mayor was thinking about moving into the sewers."
"Ahh, well this town is like an enigma, wrapped in a mystery, inside of a box, wrapped in Christmas wrapping paper, that was dropped of a cliff into a pit of quicksand which is then buried under volcanic fluid and.....well, you get the point," Xamfir said, suddenly realizing he'd gone off on another tangent.
"How did volcanic fluid get under a pit of quicksand?" Nowell asked.
"Can we focus," Kay said as they headed inside the mall. "We're here to bring Sarah back. Not to go off on boring rants about volcanic fluid. Now, let's get to it already. If ya SMELLLLLLLLLLLALALALLALALALALLAALA. What the Lesbian. Is cooking."
Nowell sniffed the air, "You're not cooking anything! You haven't once cooked a single damn thing since I met you! In fact, you've strayed away from every kitchen we've been remotely close to! How can I smell what you're cooking when you don't, in fact, cook?"
"Kay Fabe hopes there is a hardware store in this mall so she can buy some duct tape, take the roll, shine it up real nice, wrap it around your mouth and then stick it straight up your--"
That was when Jeannie interrupted. "Look. It's Sarah!"
"Oh dear God. Can I leave, now? Please?" Nowell pleaded.
"Not without these," Xamfir said jingling Nowell's keys. Nowell lunged for them, but Xamfir opened his mouth and threatened to swallow them.
".......Wait, how in the hell is that supposed to threaten me? Wouldn't you choke on those?" Nowell questioned, looking like he was ready to stab Xamfir in the heart with a stake. Unfortunately, the only stake he had in his possession happened to be the rubber one.
As the group approached Sarah, she suddenly noticed them. Her eyes opened wide and she started to run away. But, having just the power of a girl, she rammed right into a wall that she forgot was behind her. "Oww." Then she turned around and looked at the Shaggy Gang, and Angel. "Hi guys."
Nowell couldn't respond because he was too busy laughing at Sarah's mishap.
"Sarah? You're, back?" Kay said, licking her lips.
"Well, I've been here. All good Slayers go to Heaven. And since I'm a girl, my Heaven is the mall. Why are YOU here?"
Nowell kept laughing. That's when Sarah spotted Nowell. She began girlie-running towards him, no doubt in an attempt to tackle hug him, but instead, she just bounced off Nowell harmlessly as he continued to laugh.
"Although. Now that I think about it. This really, ISN'T quite Heaven. I mean, you're here Angel. But. I don't have my Slayer powers any more! That means... that means that I don't have my strength! My speed! My discount at the Slayer's Fashionable, Yet Affordable Clothing Store!"
Nowell kept laughing, "They..." then Nowell fumbled to laugh some more, "They have a store for," Nowell giggled, "Jobber slayers?"
"Come on Sarah. We're gonna get you your powers back," Xamfir assured her.
"No!" Nowell complained, "No powers! This is TOO good!"
"What is so, WHOA!" Sarah began to ask before losing balance on her high-heeled boots.
Nowell resumed laughing.
Nowell stopped laughing.
"Aw, crap, who brought her here?"
"She must have been in the trunk," Jeannie said with a shrug. "And NO, I did not plan to dump the car in a lake after we got back to the motel to make her stop screaming."
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Eliza screamed, with a smile.
"Jeannie, you would have done the world a favor."
As the group got to the exits, Sarah didn't notice the glass door and, yes, smacked face first into it.
Nowell got to laugh some more after that one.
"Oops. My bad. They really should put butterflys on these things. Glass doors. Teehee."
"We're Not Gonna Take It" was playing back in the arena, as 1-2-3 Kid & Stump had made their way to the ring, accompanied by the ever-so-lovely Claire. They awaited the arrival of Kid's muderer. No, wait...I mean...their opponents.
"Papa Don't Preach", as performed by Not Kelly Osbourne brought out Underweartaker and his new tag team partner, Evil Smokey The Bear. They had formed this team just last week after a few misunderstandings, and were lead to the ring by Sister Payne. Once the two behemoths got into the ring, Cow mooed, and...hey, you know what? This is obviously going to be a total squash in which Stump never even tags in. All you care about is whether or not Claire and Sister Payne get into it during the match. Well, the answer is "yes".
"Yes", as in, "No they don't, you sick pervert."
Anyway, the match ended just short of a complete massacre when Evil Smokey pinned Kid after a simple powerslam. Yes, that's right. A big, freakin' bear did a powerslam. The STUMP Squad members left the ringside area as Sister Payne climbed into the ring to "celebrate" with her team. How they would celebrate I have no idea, since Underweartaker doesn't talk and Sister Payne's always so depressed. Oddly enough, something fell out of Sister Payne's pocket when she climbed into the ring. Evil Smokey noticed it almost right away.
BORT: Yes, that would be Ted E. Ruxpin's tape. And thus wraps up part one of the first (and I think only) "mystery angle".
Evil Smokey picked it up and put the tape in his pocket. He did this in a rather calm manner, especially compared to what happened next.
"AH'M GONE KILL YOU, BITCH!", shouted Evil Smokey, as he went to grab Sister Payne with his paws. He had finally found out who stole his manager Ted E. Ruxpin's cassette tape, and he wanted this woman DEAD. Fortunately for her, Underweartaker stepped in and waved a finger in front of Evil Smokey, as if to say "Uh-uh-UH!"
Evil Smokey bitchslapped Underweartaker.
Underweartaker chopped Evil Smokey in the throat.
The two "hosses" proceeded to beat the living hell out of each other, even after Underweartaker clotheslined Evil Smokey over the top rope and followed him out to the floor. Sister Payne followed the two, making sure to keep her distance, as Jobbers & Polka Dots Forever went backstage...
BORT: I'm just gonna get this out of the way right now, since I don't want to interrupt this segment. It's based on an episode of South Park where little gnomes were stealing underpants in an attempt to make some sort of profit. Of course, I put a twist on it by having Sphere interrogate them instead of a bunch of 8 year-olds finding out what's going on after following one of the gnomes to their underground lair. It's one of my favorite segments I've written.
Jobbers & Polka Dots Forever went to Sphere's office, where, yes, he had guests.
But these guests were a group of individuals who had never been seen on fWEo television before.
Who were they?
The Underpants Gnomes.
There were nine small gnomes seated before Sphere. Nine small gnomes who enjoyed stealing underpants, as legend had it. And by "small", hoo-boy, are they SMALL. About a foot tall, maybe.
"I understand you like to steal underpants.", Sphere said to the gnomes, leaning forward in his chair. Since it'd be confusing trying to keep track of nine gnomes who all look alike, only three of them speak for themselves during this interrogation. The other six just go along with what the other three say. Got it? No? Screw you then. "Now...one of my employees has been missing *his* underpants for quite a while now. Would any of YOU know where these underpants are? Hmm? HMM?", Sphere asks, before whacking one of the gnomes, who we'll call "Gnome #1", on the head with a stick. He wasn't expecting the response he got, though.
"Is that all you got, pussy?", Gnome #1 asked Sphere.
"You called me a pussy! I'm not a pussy! YOU'RE a pussy!", Sphere yelled back.
"You're a pussy, pussy.", Gnome #1 responded.
"Okay, okay, nevermind this pussy talk. I want to know...why do you steal underpants?"
"Stealing underpants BIG business.", answers Gnome #2.
"Business? Do you know ANYTHING about business?"
"Sure, that's what gnomes do!", says Gnome #1.
The six "background" gnomes jump out of their seats and pull their "business plan" out of thin air, and stick it on the wall. The other three gnomes walk over to the plan, and Gnome #1 starts to explain.
"Collecting underpants is just phase one. Phase one...collect underpants."
"So what's phase two?", Sphere asks him.
Silence from all the gnomes, before Gnome #1 speaks up.
"Hey, what's phase two?", he asks Gnome #2.
"Phase one, we collect underpants."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah. But what about phase two?"
Silence again, before Gnome #3 comes up with answer.
"Well...phase three is profit. Get it?"
Sphere leans back in his chair. "I don't get it."
Gnome #3 goes over to the chart on the wall. "You see, phase one...collect underpants. Phase two. Phase three...profit.
"Do you morons know ANYTHING about corporations?", Sphere asks them.
"You bet we do.", answers Gnome #2.
"Us gnomes are geniuses at corporations.", says Gnome #1, before all nine break into song.
"Time to go to work, work all night..."
"No, no, NO! No singing! See, I'm beginning to believe that MAYBE all of you aren't responsible for Bigelow's missing Hanes...but you could prove useful in a situation like this. Do you know anything about the motives of OTHER people who steal underpants?"
"Well, we can explain that to you easily.", Gnome #3 told him.
"Yes, for a price.", said Gnome #2.
"What? A price?", asked a bewildered Sphere.
"You know...", Gnome #1 said.
"Underpants?", Sphere asked.
"YOUR underpants.", Gnome #2 said, pointing at Sphere.
"Oh...well...let's see...", Sphere said, getting up from his chair. "I've decided that...NONE OF YOU ARE GETTING MY UNDERPANTS!", he shouted, as he grabbed his crowbar and smacked one of the gnomes across the room, rendering him a stain on the wall. He kicked two more and stepped on a third. He threw the crowbar at two who were trying to escape, and then he picked up one and hurled him into the wall like a baseball. He grabbed another one and plucked it's head off, and the last remaining gnome attempted to play hero, climbing up Sphere's back, but he turned the ceiling fan on, and then grabbed the gnome, removing him from his back, and then tossing him up into the ceiling fan.
Sphere looked around the room at the bloody mess he had made, and casually whistled as he returned to his seat.
La Parka, Beef, Janito, Steve, Oddjob, Seven, and Eleven were all roasting marshmellows. If you're wondering how Oddjob is roasting a marshmellow, it's because Steve taped his stick onto Oddjob's side. And if you're wondering why Texas Kid isn't roasting a marshmellow, it's because Beef and Janito have made him go and gather firewood.
Hence the situation that Texas Kid was in, as he was confronted with the sickening visage of an unusual looking smiley that looked like this: =C]. And it was raping the corpse of a dead raccoon. Even more disturbing was a second smiley, looking like this: =<>, as it was setting one raccoon on fire and using it as a weapon to beat other raccoons to death.
Texas Kid sighed, "I'm SO going to kill Sphere when I get back."
He started to walk away, "I mean it."
Back in the Beaverton public access TV studio, we see Styles talking with a certain, blonde-haired individual who just happened to be a former WCW US and Tag Team champion.
"Okay, so, um... where's your copy of 'Commentating For Dummies', anyway? I... I kinda need to get started on that..." David Flair meekly said to Styles.
"OH MY GOD, why are your cheeks so EXTREEEEEEMMMME-ly red! Are you sick or something?"
David thought about it, "Well.. I'm kinda nervous.... you know, never been a commentator before. Crowbar and Daff- I mean, Eliza carried me through all of those times I had to... you know, commentate."
"I see. Well, here it is," Styles said handing the copy of "Commentating For Dummies" to him. "You should love the chapter on saying things three times with exclamation points. And don't forget the chapter on ALL CAPPING EXCITEMENT. OH MY GOD WAS THAT A GOOD CHAPTER!!!"
"I'll be sure to read that. Say, here comes a bunch of people! And they seem to be coming out of the basement access for some reason." Flair said, pointing at the approaching Shaggy Gang.
"God dammit, Xamfir, you just had to wish us all to some place dark and creepy just so you could have a more exciting place to have sex with Jeannie," Nowell complained, wiping off some grime from his face and frowning, "I'm totally not paying for the cleaning bill on my trenchcoat."
"I thought the giant spiders were a nice touch." Xamfir pointed out.
That was when Daff, er, Eliza noticed David Flair. "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! DAVID AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
"Aw, crap." Flair said.
"Aw, crap." Nowell said.
Then Nowell marched up to David Flair and punched him in the face, on account of him being David Flair.
"Hey, ouch! You punched me! You punched me right in the face and it really hurt!"
"New Commentator," Styles said quite bored. "Just in case the rest of you couldn't figure out why he was here."
"Can I punch him again?" Nowell asked Styles.
"N-no! No punchy!"
"AHHHHHHHHHH!" Eliza screamed as she charged at David and jumped into his arms, trying to wrap her legs around him, but him being David Flair, couldn't support any weight above about 25 pounds and fell backward onto the studio floor.
"Aw, dammit, there goes any further punching opportunities." Nowell said with a frown.
"Hello? Did everyone forget about me?" Sarah asked. I'm, kinda, back."
"Kay Fabe never forgets." Kay said with a wink and a lick of her lips.
"OH MY GOD. Welcome back," said you should know by now.
"Just so everyone knows, I did not say that line." Xamfir pointed out.
Eliza helped David back to his feet. "Well. Now," Styles said. "Sarah. We'll get you your powers back. Don't worry. I refuse to never Commentate again."
Eliza glared at Styles. "AHHHHHHHHHHH!"
Styles did a double take. "What the HELL?"
"I've been saying that so much lately that I have that quote trademarked and copyrighted," Nowell said, "You owe me a quarter for saying it."
Styles reached into his pocket and pulled out a piece of lint and a tootsie roll. "Hmm. It appears I'm a bit, short."
Nowell snatched the Tootsie Roll out of Styles' hand, "Close enough."
That was when Eliza suddenly ran out of the room. Flair just stood there. "Go GET her man! Don't let your Slayer get out of control or else before you know it." From just outside the door there was a very loud snap and then the sound of a man screaming in pain as his kneecap was broken. "Nevermind."
"You are the worst Commentator I've ever met," Styles said, "And I worked with Sean Mooney."
":(" went David Flair.
We join this match IN PROGRESS.
Why, you ask?
You didn't ask because you could care less?
Here's why anyway...three segments in a row that don't take place in the ring are enough to run into the beginning of a match. After all, it's not the matches people want to see, right?
BORT: And the first shot against then-current day-fWo is fired. Of course, back then I didn't SERIOUSLY mean it, but hey, look what happened in the next two years.
The match picks up with Razor placing Bigelow in a headlock, meaning you probably didn't miss much. Bigelow escapes by giving Razor a back suplex. A SAFE back suplex. You know, one where Razor lands on his back and Bigelow lands on his side. The way you're SUPPOSED to do it. Bigelow covers and only gets a two-count. He argues with the ref that it should've been a five-count, but then he's informed that he's Bam Bam Bigelow, not King Kong Bundy. Bigelow, did, however, team with Bundy at the 1994 Survivor Series, and they were the survivors of their 10-man elimination tag match, which they won after Bundy pinned Lex Luger. If you remember, Luger showed up on the *first* edition of WCW Monday Nitro back when everyone thought he was still employed by the WWF, the company that bought out WCW in March of 2001. Shannon Moore competed on the *last* edition of WCW Monday Nitro and was one of the wrestlers whose contract was picked up by the WWF in the sale. Moore made his WWF television debut on the 7/13/02 edition of VELOCITY(~!) in a loss to Tajiri. So you see, it all comes full circle.
I have no idea why I went on that "Six Degrees of Tajiri" tangent. And the emphasis on the way Bigelow delivered the back suplex is because I was in a backyard match three weeks before this show (which could mean I wrote this anywhere from one day to three weeks after the match) where the other guy botched a back suplex on me and I ended up taking a backdrop driver. I'm lucky to have only come away with a concussion.
Oh yeah, the match!
Bigelow plants Razor onto the mat with a bodyslam and gets set to climb up top and deliver his patented diving headbutt, but the brawl between Evil Smokey The Bear and Underweartaker, which apparently didn't end once they disappeared from ringside, spilled out onto the ramp. Bigelow, ever the Good Samaritan, left the ring and attempted to stop the fight, but both men let them know how they felt by punching him a few times. Bigelow, like anyone else in this situation, was enraged, and he jumped right in the middle. All three men fought to the back as the ref counted to ten, awarding the match to Razor. Yeah, that's pretty much it.
"Ah-right, bay-ba, yeah! We gone get that little retard! Cost us two matches in a row, bay-ba, oh NO!"
Kevin Greene growled in agreement with his tag partner Mongo. The two were wandering around backstage looking for Ken War, due to the fact that he had caused them to lose matches on the past two editions of Saturday Afternoon's Curtain Jerker. They had attempted to kill him both times, but both times, their plans were thwarted by evil sandwiches and Jackhammer's foot, respectively. However, this time, Mongo had come up with a fool-proof plan. They were going to look around for him instead of waiting for him to come get them. Yeah, it sounds like a stupid plan, but it's Mongo.
BORT: "They had attempted to kill him both times, but both times, their plans were thwarted by evil sandwiches and Jackhammer's foot, respectively." is definitely one of my favorite sentences written.
"RRR....RRR.....RUFF! RUFF RUFF!", Greene barked, rather excitedly.
"What is it, bay-ba? You see him? You see Kenny War Can Boy, boy?"
Greene licked himself, which meant "yes".
Mongo peered around corner, and sure enough, it was Ken War. Or, his shadow, anyway, but still...
"Ah-right, bay-ba, here's what we gone do now, ya hear? You gone go in there and tear that sum bitch leg off, and then Mongo's gone come in there do an end zone dance on his temple!"
"That's his head, bay-ba, get wit' the program! See, Mongo never scored a touchdown back when he played for da en-ef-el, bay-ba, no!"
They used to hammer it home all the time on Nitro that Mongo had never scored a touchdown in his entire NFL career.
Greene nodded in understanding, and then just stood there on all fours, tongue hanging out and panting heavily.
"Ah-right, on three, you go out there and do your job, bay-ba, ya hear Mongo?"
Greene nodded, still panting heavily, even though he didn't know how to count to three. Mongo remembered this and decided to change his plan.
"Aw hell, bay-ba, let's just get 'im!"
Mongo slapped Greene on the back and the two nWo Elite members jumped out of hiding and headed straight for Ken War.
"HOLLAAAAAAA!", Mongo shouted, arm raised in the air.
Of course, you know something HAD to be wrong. No way would they kill Ken War on the THIRD try. The two stopped dead in their tracks when they realized it wasn't Ken War they were charging.
It was a bottle of Surge...Sphere's personal assistant. How they could mistaken a 20 ounce soda bottle for a guy who's 6'6" is anyone's guess. Even Mongo was smart enough to realize that they could get fired and be forced to work for Women's Extreme Wrestling if they attacked the assistant of the guy in charge.
Mongo and Greene waved at the bottle of Surge and then casually turned around, walking away from any further incident.
What? There had to be SOMETHING on here that continued this storyline.
Hans Krueger sat in the middle of a pagan pentagram painted on the floor, with candles lit on each of the five points on the pentagram. He had his eyes closed and he appeared to be speaking in 100% Gibberish.
"Zah! Ze meeshie, zou mah, fo' t'ree-fitty, zahremnahren!"
The room shook.
Light shone into the room.
Hans Krueger's teeth were still stained.
Mr. Treat (Ken War), who was also in the room, worried that he was about to drop the flamethrower he held and be killed again, but he thankfully held on with the single left pinkie finger and three right middle fingers that he still had at the moment.
Once the earthquake subsided, Krueger stood up and seemed chipper.
"Hmm, zat did not take as long as I had expected." Krueger noted, as he stood up. He turned to Mr. Treat who stood by with the flamethrower.
"Okay, let me have zit." Krueger said.
"r u sore?/ tis eznt 2 hardkorr, u no!!11"
"I am very zertain that zis zhall vork."
So, Krueger was blasted with a flamethrower. However, a very strange thing happened, and it was that the flames bounced off of Krueger, and, of course, bounced straight back into Mr. Treat, setting him on fire. Mr. Treat reacted by screaming and jumping out the window, which had been boobytrapped to shove the person that opened the window and straight into a pit of poisonous spikes.
Mr. Treat died.
Hans Krueger didn't notice.
"Ah, ja, ja... ze Descension has started! Nothink can zet mein on fire for ze next fifty-three days!" Krueger noted, then he thought about it.
"Zah, why iz it fifty-three days? Zis iz just to convieniently end ze Descension on the Cur'ain Zerker after ze Actzhun Zone thing, izn't it?"
Nobody answered Krueger's question since his only guess was currently being baked extra crispy on a poisonous barbie outside of his office.
"Hello, ladies and gentlemen, I'm Sean Mooney, LIVE from the Control Center, and this is YOUR WrestleActionZone report! WrestleActionZone, the biggest pay-per-view spectacular of the year, comes to you LIVE from the Manhattan Center on April 13th, and you can only see it on UPN, so call your local cable companies, because this is an event that you do NOT want to miss.
BORT: I'd like to point out how Mooney tells people they have to call their local cable company to make sure they get UPN, despite the fact that UPN wasn't a cable channel.
The main event of WrestleActionZone will be a triangle match to determine the first Sphere Heavyweight Champion, as Sphere, Black Quicksilver, and Senor Funpants will all attempt to win the title. Quicksilver and Funpants both earned this shot by co-winning the Royal Battle battle royal, and Sphere has been attempting to remove Quicksilver from the match ever since then.
The very first Sphere Tag Team Champions will also be crowned in a four-way match. The teams competing in this match will be...Sphere...Janitors Seven & Eleven...Mega Job...and finally, Reginald VelJohnson & Lawrence Taylor. There will be no pinfalls or submissions in this match, as there is no referee. Instead, Jackhammer will be at ringside as the judge for what should be an exciting contest.
The Ultimate Warrior squares off against Renegade in a battle of ultimate proportions. Just who is the TRUE warrior? We'll find out at WrestleActionZone.
Janitor Nine defends the Undisputed Wominternopean North Dakotan Janitorjobberweight against Waru. Surely the fans will be on Waru's side when he goes after this alleged prestigious championship.
In a battle of popular soft drinks, a bottle of 7-UP takes on a bottle of Cherry 7-UP.
Virgil, The Man Of A Thousand Holds, squares off with reigning Television Champion, "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan.
And just announced, Mr. T will defend his newly acquired Million Dollar Belt against Mike "No Gimmicks Needed" Heftel.
All this, plus a special announcement from Evil-Lyn, and much, much more, coming to you LIVE on April 13th! Folks, don't be left out in the cold on this one. I'll see you there!"
It took Texas Kid about twenty minutes to come back with firewood, mainly because he wanted to find a place far, far, far away from Festering Death before he looked for the firewood. When he got back, though, he found that something even weirder had happened.
Festering Death had joined Mega Job and the Janitors in the marshmellows.
Texas Kid dropped the firewood. A lot of it fell on his foot.
"Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!!" Texas Kid howled.
"JESUS FUCK CHRIST IN A WHEELCHAIR. YOU HAD TO GO AND DO THAT, DIDN'T YOU? WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM, SCOTT HART?! IF WE WEREN'T HAVING A WONDERFUL TIME WITH THESE FUCKING MARSHMELLOWS, I'D HAVE KILLED YOU AND SPACECOP WOULD HAVE RAPED YOUR CORPSE BY NOW." Spaceduck shouted.
"OBSESSION." Steve pointed out.
"WELL, OF COURSE WE'RE OBSESSED. WE WERE KICKED OUT OF HELL FOR KILLING AND RAPING SATAN'S GIRLFRIEND, AFTER ALL." Spacecop said, "THOUGH I'D LIKE TO POINT OUT THAT SATAN JUST MOVED ON TO HIS NEXT EIGHT YEAR OLD GIRLFRIEND FROM THERE."
"Isn't Satan sick of those jokes?" Janitor Seven asked.
"SHUT THE FUCK UP, CHUCKLES, BEFORE WE DO THE USUAL TO YOU."
Janitor Seven held his balls. In an odd twist of fate, his pants were covered with marshmellow, which made it look like he had just creamed his pants.
Texas Kid threw his hands up in the air in frustration.
"That's it. I'm leaving."
With that, Texas Kid left.
"Whew, good thing that we were camping close to his meanieheaded ranch."
"Yeah, but now he won't let us in. Bloody toerag." Janito said.
"WE'RE GOING TO GO HAVE OUR WAY WITH HIS CATTLE." Spaceduck said.
With that, Festering Death left.
La Parka shimmied.
"HAHA! That was a GOOD one, Parka! It was almost as good as Oddjob's joke about Spaceduck's bill!" Beef said through his laughter.
"I HEARD THAT, MOTHERFUCKERS."
Everyone stopped laughing.
This entire match is a parody of Scott Keith's rant for the main event of In Your House: International Incident.
Warrior was supposed to be part of the babyface team, but, you know, it’s Warrior, so instead we get Duggan, who at least can be reasonably assured of making his dates before disappearing without giving notice. BQ & Funpants start, and BQ moves quick, but gets slugged. Rana is blocked, but perseverence pays off as he completes the move. Funpants bails and gets baseball slid, and pescado’d. Another dive misses and BQ eats railing. Back in, Funpants hammers him until Duggan comes in (to NO pop) and he pounds the shit out of Funpants, Virgil, Mr. T and anyone else in there. Virgil comes back in and gets clocked, and Heftel hits a triple forearm shiver! Holy crap. Elbow misses and Mr. T pounds on him, but Heftel comes back with an eye gouge and DDT. Funpants saves, but Heftel tries to wear him out in the corner. It's Heftel, so Funpants comes back with an avalanche and pummels him, but walks into a drop toe-hold for two. That’s some impressive strength. Virgil comes in with a leg lariat to take over again, and the crowd is still not chanting for Duggan. So Heftel tags out and gives us what we do NOT want: Duggan. Big boot on Virgil and Duggan whips him in the corner, and Virgil takes a vicious bump there. Mr. T comes in and gets an amazing delayed vertical suplex on Duggan, for two. Funpants pounds him, but Duggan shrugs off Mr. T and BQ comes in via the top rope. He misses a blind charge, posts himself, and he’s YOUR face-in-peril. BQ whips Mr. T into Funpants for two, but T takes over again. Virgil uses the ol’ Oklahoma Roll for two. BQ counters it for two, Victory Roll gets two, countered for two by Virgil, rollup, bridge, reverse, backslide, you know the drill. Awesome stuff. Virgil nails him with a cast to break it up, and gets two, surprising everyone who didn't know that he was wearing a cast. Mr. T with a legdrop that gets two. Powerslam gets two. Virgil cheapshots BQ again with the cast, and Funpants comes in to kick some ass and chew bubblegum, minus the bubblegum. He tosses BQ, and then back in gets a short-arm clothesline for two. Some idiot runs into the ring and gets triple-teamed by Mr. T, Heftel and the ref, until they realize it's Duggan. BQ fights out, but gets splashed. Duggan nails Funpants, but BQ can’t QUITE make the tag. BQ goes for a crucifix on Mr. T, but he reverses it into a fallaway slam for two. Blind charge misses, but Virgil cuts off the tag again. Double-KO with BQ & Virgil, but Mr. T powerslams BQ for two. Duggan saves. False tag to Heftel, and BQ gets gang-raped by the heels. Metaphorically speaking, of course. Heel miscommunication follows, and finally it’s the HOT tag to Duggan. Clothesline for Funpants! Clothesline for Virgil! Clothesline for Mr. T! It’s BONZO GONZO in Philly as BQ gets launched onto Funpants. BQ gets Sphere's backscratcher and uses it for two, then goes into a corner and starts stomping on the mat, signaling for the SuperQuick-SilverKick, but right when he gets set to throw it, Sphere grabs his other foot. BQ turns around and kindly asks Sphere not to untie his boot, but before Sphere could answer, Funpants charges in and squashes BQ in the corner. Dockers sponsors Senor Funpants' finisher, Nice Pants finishes at 24:30. That was a rather fortuitous finish for Sphere, considering he promised a refund to everyone if the heels didn’t win. Hmmm…almost…TOO fortuitous. You don’t think maybe this wasn’t on the up-and-up or something, do you? Wrestling? FIXED? ****