In Sphere's office.
Sphere sat behind his desk, with a bottle of Surge seated atop a smaller desk next to his. After all, that bottle of Surge *is* his personal assistant. Like almost every other time we visit Sphere in his office, he has some guests.
Reginald VelJohnson and Lawrence Taylor.
"Reggie. May I call you "Reggie"?", Sphere asked VelJohnson.
"Actually, I'd prefer to be called "Mr. VelJohnson"...or even "Reginald", in your case, sir."
"Alright. Gotcha, Reggie. I've called you two here for a reason...", Sphere began, but was interrupted by LT.
"Ah'm finally goin' to da Supa Bowl?"
"That was a month ago. I had to sit through that garbage for four hours before "Alias" finally came on."
"Ya hear dat, Reg? We goin' to San Diego!", LT said to VelJohnson, with a look of excitement on his face.
"No. No, stop it. No you're not. But you MAY go to New York. You see, today, you two will meet the 1-2-3 Kid & Stump. The winning team gets the last spot in the four-way match to determine the first Sphere Tag Team Champions, and that match takes place at WrestleActionZone, live, only on pay-per-view, April 13th, 2003. Now, since it's just the Kid and Stump...you two should be able to defeat them rather easily, correct?"
"What's the spread?", asks LT. Sphere squints his eyes and turns to VelJohnson.
"Reggie. I'm turning in your direction. I'm counting on you to not screw this up. Sure, it was your fault no one believed you were Jon Crisp during your short run in that....other promotion, but I STILL have faith in you. It's not much, but I don't need much faith in someone who's going to face an 11-year old and a glorified turd that came out of Quicksilver's ass."
"Oh. Um, which one's the turd?", VelJohnson asks Sphere.
"See, that's what they call "killing Sphere's heat". Now get out. Oh, and if you win, remember...*I* am one of the teams in that match at WrestleActionZone."
"How can you be one of the teams? You're only one person, Eddie."
"Dammit, STOP CALLING ME EDDIE!"
LT stood up and put a hand on Sphere's shoulder. "How's ya leg doin', Joe?"
BORT: I don't know why I had LT refer to Sphere as "Joe" (as in, Joe Theisman, the guy whose leg LT broke), but I assure you it's not because both Sphere and Theisman are white. Or maybe it is.
Sphere's shouting caused LT to jump back, and VelJohnson got up out of his chair. The two looked at each other, shrugged, and danced out of the office. Before Sphere could settle in and prepare for the show, someone else stumbled into his office.
"Hey, mang. Razor...Ramon? He's BACK, JACK!"
"Yes, and it's about God damn time. You barely show up here anymore. Where do you think you are?"
"Okay, that was a lucky guess. Anyway...is there something you want?"
This show takes place in Piscataway, New Jersey.
"Something....I want? Listen, chico....Da Bad Guy? He wants his Intercontinental Title back!", Razor proclaims, before he goes through that whole routine that leads to his famous "pose".
"Well, that's just PRECIOUS.....considering we, uh....DON'T EVEN HAVE AN INTERCONTINENTAL TITLE! Jesus Christ, doesn't anyone actually FOLLOW our storylines here? They *do* exist! Just for that...I'm putting YOU in a match today. That's right....you, Razor Ramon, will suffer for the internet junkies. You're facing Mongo and Kevin Greene in a handicap match!", Sphere announces, before pressing a button underneath his desk. Right after he presses the button, a chorus of "gasps" are heard.
"Hey, just remember, chico...Razor Ramon? He started the n...W...o!"
"No...Scott Hall did. That was a different character. His history does not count when it applies to you in this promotion."
"So I never groped an old lady, mang?"
"You may have...but I really don't want to know about your fetishes. Now, because I don't think this is going anywhere, leave. No smart remarks, I just want to get this done with. Now...yes, Razor is leaving, for those who need to know every detail. I'd tell you how he went off on this rant on how he thinks I'm so awesome, but I'd be here forever, and I know EVERYONE would LOVE that. Ha. I rule."
SACJ went to the ring, right as Waru somersaulted down the ramp while "Heterosexual Man" played. Of course, since it's Waru, the somersaults he was doing were by no means intentional. Once he finally stopped somersaulting, he managed to stand up and stumbled right into one of the ring posts. His face collided with the post, but he grabbed it before he could fall. He leaned against the post for a while before using it to drag himself into the ring. It should also be noted that Mike Heftel, Jackhammer, Claire, and Mr. T are seated in the front row.
"I don't get it. Why doesn't he just take that thing off his face?", asks Jackhammer.
"Because he is popular with the viewing public.", answers Mr. T.
"Michael? Claire? Anyone who speaks the same language I do care to answer me?"
"He's over.", Heftel tells him. "I wish I was over."
"You're more over than I am.", Jackhammer assures Heftel.
"That's correct.", Heftel replies.
BORT: If you ask the experts...you know, those who were in the fWo for less than two years back when it still had steam...they'll tell you that *everyone* is more over than Jackhammer, Beef included!
"Why am I sitting here?", Claire asks, as "Same Old Song" (the Pepsi Blue theme song, to the uneducated) plays, bringing out a bottle of Cherry 7-UP. As it approaches the ring, we're treated to clips of the Waru-bottle of 7-UP match from last week, where a bottle of Cherry 7-UP interfered and attacked a bottle of 7-UP, causing Waru to get disqualified. See, makes sense, Chris.
Ha-CHA! Another stab at Chris "fWEo doesn't have storylines" Woj!"
Anyway, even though Waru's popularity is growing by leaps and bounds, he never saw a bottle of Cherry 7-UP coming.
Seriously, he can't see anything.
All it took was a MOTHER FRICKIN' BACKDROP DRIVER THAT PLANTED HIM RIGHT ON HIS HEAD to knock him out, but...
As the ref checked on Waru, a bottle of 7-UP appeared at ringside and cracked a bottle of Cherry 7-UP over the lid with a chair. A bottle of Cherry 7-UP fell right next to Waru, who had managed to lift a finger right before the bottle fell. That finger fell back on the bottle after it hit the mat, and the ref actually noticed this, registering the three-count in favor of the damn-near dead Waru. David Crockett came down to ringside to help Waru out of the ring as SACJ went backstage...
I can't believe I actually threw in the detail of the bottle of Cherry 7-UP getting hit over the LID with the chair. I also thought Crockett coming down to help Waru was one of the more random things on a fWEo show until I read the next segment.
"Oh my God, I don't know how I did it, but I finally got into the building! :-o"
Yes, folks, Janitor Nine, the Undisputed Wominternopean North Dakotan Janitorjobberweight champion, could not find a direct route into the building. So if you noticed him looking a lot dirtier than normal right now, it's because he had to crawl through a dumpster, then an air duct with eighteen thousand dead hamsters in it, then through Reginald VelJohnson's dirty underwear drawer (no, Bam Bam's Hanes were not in there), before he finally emerged in the hallway that he was standing in. If you didn't notice, then go stand in the corner and recite the alphabet backwards.
We'll wait for you.
Okay, that's enough waiting.
Anyway, he would have continued idly complaining to himself(since he was the only person who acknowledged his own existence anyway), but then he met two people that he strongly, strongly disliked for whatever reason he was presently unaware of.
"LOOK AT THAT!" Crockett shouted.
"Okay, are you mocking me?" Waru asked, as he blindly stumbled around the hallway, "`Cause, if you are, then I'm afraid that I'm going to have to get riled up."
"I'm sorry, what? :-o" Janitor Nine asked, confused as to why a guy with a pink thing on his face would be talking to him.
"I mean it. You're mocking me." Waru said, facing Janitor Nine.
"Am not! >:o" Janitor Nine said angrilly.
"LOOK AT THAT!" Crockett said.
"Okay, that's it," Waru said, angrilly pointing at Janitor Nine while being really angry with him, "I'm upset with your mocking, and since you've gotten me all riled up, I'm going to have to challenge you to a match at this WAZ thing!"
"Okay. =-O It's not like anyone else would challenge me to a match around this joint, anyway. :-(" Janitor Nine said. "Guess that means I'll be defending my title at..."
"LOOK AT THAT!"
Well, that would have worked had Waru not knocked a water cooler the fuck out, man.
"Yeah! Take that! Booyah! I knocked someone out! Whoo whoo whoo!" Waru shouted excitedly, doing an Indian Tribal Dance before accidently slipping on the water.
Sarah_Bot, Kay Fabe, Xamfir and Jeannie were hanging at their usual hanging spot in Beaverton, The Copper. The foursome was sitting at a table and listening to Styles do some karaoke, yep, that's "Ice, Ice, Baby" you hear in the background, but, he had substituted his own lyrics, to "OH, MY, GOD!" in the "Ice, Ice, Baby" part.
"Kay Fabe says we should take the fight to the Mayor!"
Then, a waitress arrived with their munchies for the evening.
"Or, Kay Fabe could do far more exciting things…namely, you."
"It is your duty to serve mankind," Sarah_Bot said to the waitress, interrupting Kay's lesbian enticements. "And womankind. You are a waitress. Go, you."
"Right," the waitress said rolling her eyes. "Here's your cup of, um, oil."
"This pleases me," Sarah_Bot decided before guzzling down the glass filled with brown goodness.
"Hey, I don't remember ordering these fancy silver trays," Xamfir suddenly realized.
That was when the badness started. The covers suddenly flew off and we had some major happenings going down in the middle of The Copper. But this foe was unlike any the group had faced.
It was a group of evil Peanut Butter & Jelly Sandwiches!
As the legion of sandwiches advanced, yelling "HAIL, JELLITER!" as the fight scene broke out, Styles began shouting instructions from the stage.
"Sandwich on the left! Sandwich on the right! OH MY GOD! Sandwiches EVERYWHERE! This is EXTREME!" But he was quickly shut up by a pair of PB&J's that leapt at him, tackling him to the stage. "OH MY God," he yelled out, before blacking out.
"Man, where's Jared when you need him to eat some sandwiches. Oh, crap! The mayor must know!" Xamfir suddenly said.
"Know what?" Kay Fabe asked in between bitch slapping a sandwich.
"That Sarah is just a bot!"
"Kay Fabe says these sandwiches are no match for the Lesbian's pie."
Then she was tripped by the sandwiches. And Sarah_Bot could only stare in wonder as sandwich after sandwich swarmed on top of her. Taking her to the floor. She was buried in bread.
"Is this the end of, me?"
WHACK! THUD! SPLAT! SQUISH! WHEE!
"AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!" came the shrill sound from a woman.
"DON'T MAKE ME SCREAM!" Sarah_Bot threatened.
"I'LL SCREAM!" Sarah_Bot threatened again.
That was when the sandwiches began to retreat.
"Joo haff not seen ze last uv uz!" the leader threatened. "Theez iz not ovah!"
"AHHHHHHHH!" the new arrival screamed at them, sending a few more sandwiches running in fear.
The Shaggy Gang dusted themselves off and all slowly approached the raven-haired, pasty-skinned goth-looking screamer girl with the tattoos.
"I know you," Styles said. "OH MY GOD! You're here, Daff--"
"AHHHHHHHHHH!" she screamed! "I'm Eliza 'The Jobber Slayer!' AHHHHHHH!"
"AHHHHHHHHHH I'm avoiding them! AHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
Kay Fabe looked Eliza up and down. "Another Jobber Slayer, huh?"
"Say look at you. You don't look like me. I'm…pretty."
There was then a strange whirring noise and Sarah_Bot's eyes closed.
"Damn it! Now Kay Fabe needs a new sex toy? Say, new Jobber Slayer, what are you up to?"
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Not a lesbian. AHHHHHHHHHHH!"
"There is much to be done Daff, er, Eliza. And first on the list is a muzzle for you."
SACJ goes back to the ring as "Renegade" brings out, well, Renegade. Renegade is of course Sphere's answer to Ultimate Warrior, since Warrior doesn't want anything to do with Sphere, even though he currently works for this promotion. So Sphere decided to try pushing some clown in Warrior facepaint and see if they could get him over. Weird part is, Renegade isn't wearing any face paint.
BORT: When something like this proves your boss is dumber than those who ran WCW after Hogan got there...you're in trouble.
Williams is already in the ring, and he attacks Renegade right away. Renegade no-sells Williams' "offense" to start and shakes his head a lot. Perhaps to keep the hair out of his face. BQ should have sat him down and had a talk with him about proper hair-care and conditioning. Renegade goes to the headlock and the crowd is not buying this.
I don't know how it started, but there's always been a running joke that BQ has beautiful hair. It works as a "joke" because he wears a mask, yet he always has a ponytail coming out of a hole in the back or just simply lets the hair hang out of the mask.
"I didn't pay to see a HEADLOCK!", shouts Heftel from the front row.
"We didn't pay to see ANYTHING! We were just told to get out here and fill up some seats!", Claire told him.
"I would say we are doing a horrible job.", remarks Jackhammer.
Somehow, Williams escapes the headlock, and goes for a chinlock, but Renegade escapes and beats the hell out of him. Why? Because Williams is a preliminary wrestler. Preliminary wrestlers should NEVER put on submission moves. It's the law. Renegade hits a sloppy atomic drop and follows it up with the Gourdbuster for the win, thrilling nobody in the crowd.
"My, that was bowling shoe ugly.", was Mr. T's review of the match. Of course, no one knows what he's saying, and Heftel offers his views.
"Man, that was bowling shoe ugly!"
"I beg to differ. I have bowling shoes that look much nicer than that abomination of a match we just witnessed.", Jackhammer said, disagreeing with Heftel.
"Speak to me warriors!"
Yes, the Ultimate Warrior had arrived in a puff of smoke at the top of the ramp.
"Um, am I a warrior?", Heftel asked Claire.
"You? No.", she answered, as the Warrior launched into one of his rants on Renegade.
"In order to be considered a true warrior, one must show no mercy, nor have any belief whatsoever in how others judge you, for your greatness will silence them all. You, hollywoodhulkhogan, are NOT a true warrior and thus lack the greatness that lies within THE WARRIORRRRRRAAARRRGGHHH!"
Jackhammer furrowed his brow. "Correct me if I'm wrong, but wasn't that part of my gimmick years ago? Huh? The whole "AARRGGHH!!" thing?"
That would be during his "Goldberg parody" phase.
Warrior continued. "At WrestleActionZone, milliondollarmanteddibiase, you may be ready...but are you prepared? Prepared to go forward and never look back? Now is not the time to have sweaty palms, or even a soggier case of dementia...take heed, my foe, even though you are a disbeliever, you will be launched straight into the eye of a world saturated with FULL-BLOWN WARRIORIZATION!"
Renegade looked at his watch as he stood in the middle of the ring.
"Come April 13th, the Warrior's mission statement will be as follows...my mission is to think, act and believe through my own thoughts and actions in a manner, alone and while interacting with all others, that convinces any eyes and ears upon me that each human life is to be made important and taken serious, and that one should do in one's lifetime that which will live forever. And that, gregthehammervalentine, is the Gospel of......THE WARRIORRRRRRAAAARRRRGGGHHH!"
Jackhammer sarcastically held up a lighter as SACJ went backstage...
Sphere was still in his office, seated behind his desk, as he and Bam Bam Bigelow were trying to figure out who stole Bigelow's Hanes. A bottle of Surge was still there, too, but it didn't seem as if he was helping them any. Sphere looked over a piece of paper in front of him, with a list of names on it.
"No, not him. "Can't be him...him, either. Hey, maybe it's her.", Sphere says as he shows Bigelow the paper, pointing to Siren's name.
"Youse really think she took ma Hanes?"
"No, actually. I just wanted to go through her panties drawer. I wanted to go through her panties, as well, if you know what I mean."
BORT: Yeah, wow, I REALLY can't believe I had Sphere say that.
Sphere and Bigelow share a laugh, before Bigelow points out some names on the paper.
"Ooh, maybe it's dem!"
"Mongo and Kevin Greene? They're your nWo Elite partners."
"Oh, yeah. Nevamind den."
Suddenly, for almost no reason at all, "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan walks into the office.
Okay, you got us. There's gonna end up being a reason as to why he's in there.
Sphere looks up at his new guest. "Excuse me? Mr. Bigelow and myself are in the middle of a very important investigation here."
"That's all mighty good and dandy, but Hacksaw's got a problem, tough GUY!"
"I told you. They're called "Depends"."
"That's not Hacksaw's problem. As a matter of fact, he's wearing them right now!"
"Oh. What seems to be your boggle, then?"
"Demolition Man" reference.
"Good 'Ol Hacksaw showed up for work today and finds out that he doesn't have a match!"
"Wait...you WANT to work?"
"You bet your red, white, and blue keister I do! I wanna go out there and fight for truth, justice, and the American way!"
"I thought truth and justice WAS the American way. Bigelow?", Sphere says, looking at Bam Bam.
"He lost me at "got", Sphe-ah."
"I'm sorry to hear that.", Sphere says to Bigelow, before turning back to Duggan. "Listen here, Hack. I was going to..."
"That's HackSAW, TOUGH guy!"
"I'll call you what I want to. Now, listen here, Coleslaw, I've booked myself in today's main event. Why? Two reasons. I rule, and I can. See, I need to train for my Sphere Heavyweight Title match in the ring, as well. I mean, everyone knows I'm going to win, but I still need to sharpen my in-ring skills. I can't just be running around back here and in that other promotion, doing nothing but making Quicksilver's life a living hell. Well, actually, I can, but I feel like sticking my foot up a fat man's ass today, and since I haven't figured out who my opponent is going to be just yet, and you happen to be a fat man...why don't you put that Television Title on the line against me in today's main event?"
"Well, look 'ere, tou...", Duggan starts to say before Sphere interrupts him.
"Wait, why am I asking you? You WILL defend that title against me. Oh, one more thing. Turn around and say "hello" to the special guest referee for our match.
Duggan turns around to find Senor Funpants standing there.
"Hello, TOUGH guy!"
Yes, today's main event will feature Sphere attempting to screw "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan over. Feel the excitement.
SACJ heads to the ring, where "We're Not Gonna Take It" is playing, as the 1-2-3 Kid & Stump have just entered the ring. They play to the crowd (yes, four people is considered a "crowd") as we are informed that Saturday Afternoon's Curtain Jerker is brought to you by Kellogg's Pop Tarts and Peter Pan Peanut Butter. Choke on that, Shot. Once their music dies down, it is replaced by (Still Kinda Little) Bow Wow's "Basketball". Reginald VelJohnson & Lawrence Taylor, who's carrying a hand towel, strut down the ramp. LT tosses the towel behind his back and catches it with his other hand shortly before they reach the ring. Absolutely PERFECT. They enter the squared circle, and it is decided that Stump and LT will kick things off.
BORT: That paragraph includes both a shot at Big Shot and a tribute to Mr. Perfect.
Stump carries LT through some basic chain wrestling, and it's obvious Stump is carrying things because the second LT tries to reverse a wristlock, things get royally screwed up and LT just drops Stump onto the mat. Stump's pissed, but instead of taking all his frustations out on LT right then and there, he acts like a consumate professional, tagging in Kid. LT doesn't like to be kicked, though, so he runs from Kid, who, you know...kicks alot. He tags VelJohnson into the match, and VelJohnson goes to work on Kid immediately. He whips him hard into the corner and charges in with an avalanche.
Problem is, VelJohnson charged into the WRONG corner, thus running *himself* into the corner chest-first. Kid seizes the opportunity and goes for a roundhouse kick to the back of VelJohnson's head as he staggers out of the corner, but misses by a MILE. And boy, what a miss it was. LT takes a cheapshot at Kid, but he, too, misses. Kid takes it like a man, anyway, and falls to the mat. VelJohnson turns around to see Kid on the mat, and decides it's time.
Yes, VelJohnson performs his one and only signature move, but after doing so, it looks like his tank is running on empty, and he falls over, his knee hitting Kid right in the face. Both men are down for a while, but they slowly get up to their hands and knees, both crawling to opposite corners in hopes of tagging in their tag team partners. VelJohnson is the first to make it, but right before he goes to make the tag, he remembers that Stump isn't his tag team partner. At the same time, Kid's trying to figure out how Stump gained six feet in height and underwent an operation that changed the color of his skin. He finally realizes that he's in the wrong corner, so he turns around and starts crawling the other way. By this time, VelJohnson is also crawling the other way. The two pass each other and say "hi" as they do so. VelJohnson tags LT first, but Kid tags Stump a split second later. And yes, the ref actually SAW Kid's tag.
LT is once again no match for Stump, so VelJohnson crawls back into the ring in an attempt to save his tag team partner, but he, too, is overpowered by Stump. Stump nails VelJohnso with the Stumpbutt and goes for the cover, even though VelJohnson's not the legal man. The ref counts anyway, and LT breaks it up after two. LT then hops up onto the second turnbuckle and goes for the Elbow of Death on Stump. Of course, since he tried to hit *Stump* with the move, he ridiculously overshoots it. LT picks up Stump and doesn't know what to do, so he forces Stump to tag Kid. He pulls Kid into the ring by his head, throws him down to the mat, and covers him for the win, allowing him and VelJohnson to secure the last remaining spot in the four-way match to determine the first Sphere Tag Team Champions.
Best. Finish. Ever.
Once again, we're back in Sphere's office, and this time he has *four* guests...Beef, El Janito, Janitor Seven, and Janitor Eleven.
"What are YOU doing in here?" Beef asked.
"WHAT are you doing in here?" Seven countered.
"What ARE you doing in here?" El Janito asked.
"What the MEANIEHEAD are you doing in here?" Eleven asked.
"SHUT THE HELL UP!!!!" Sphere screamed.
All of them shut "the hell" up, allowing Sphere to continue.
"I've called you four into my office for a reason. I've booked La Parka & Texas Kid in a tag team match for today, but, silly me, I was unable to come up with a team for them to face when the show started. So, several moments ago, I came to my decision. Roll tape."
We're taken to some footage that happened moments ago, as evidenced by the graphic in the bottom right-hand corner that said "Moments Ago". It was footage of Sphere, in his office, thinking about something.
"A-ha! I got it! Since I can't decide on whether or not it'll be Mega Job, or Janitor Seven & Eleven, I'll call all of them in here, and have them each pick a representative, and those two will team up to meet La Parka & Texas Kid! Yes! On a scale of 1 to awesome, I am VERY GREAT!"
And now back to "real time"...
"Wait, you want one of us to team up with one of them? Are you out of your mind?" Beef asked.
"He probably is. I mean, he IS Sphere...", said Seven. Sphere's eyes widened after hearing Seven agree with Beef.
"Ha! A-ha! You two...you two will team up. Beef and Janitor Eleven.", Sphere told him.
"Um, I'm Seven.", Seven told Sphere.
"I don't care how old you are. Now, for that remark, I'm going to punish you by not allowing you to compete in this match." Sphere turns to Eleven. "Which one are you again?"
"I'm Janitor meanieheaded Eleven.", Eleven told him. Sphere then turned to El Janito.
"Wait, which one are you, then?"
"I'm El bloody Janito," Janito said, before he held up his water pistol, "And I'll have you know that I am armed and bloody dangerous."
"Oh. I see." Sphere smacked El Janito in the shoulder with his backscratcher.
"Please don't do that."
Sphere hits him again.
"Oh, PLEASE stop?"
Sphere chuckles and puts the backscratcher down.
Then he picks it back up and smacks El Janito again. He, Beef, Seven, and Eleven have a good chuckle at El Janito's expense, before he suddenly remembers something.
"Excuse me for one second."
Sphere slides his chair over to a nearby crate and produces a crowbar. He pops off the crate door with the crowbar, and out stumbles Steve.
"So THAT'S why you couldn't meet us at the stick the other day." Beef said.
"Man, you really ruined a perfectly good camping trip, Steve." Janitor Seven noted, frowning, "I mean, you were gonna bring the marshmellows and all."
Sphere spoke up. "Look, I'd hate to put an end to his homosexual tea party you've got going here, but your match is in about fifteen minutes or so."
"Yeah, and? We have time to plan our next camping trip." Beef said, before he turned to Seven, "Should we take Parka with us? I mean, he's a well-mannered fellow and I think he'd be great to tell scary stories around the campfire."
"Hmm, I dunno. Why not Sister Payne? I bet she could tell some major league stories." Seven said.
"No way, dude! She killed a turkey with her bare hands. Nobody that creepy should join our camping trips." Beef said.
"Too true." Seven said.
"Too meanieheadingly true, indeed, meanieheads." Eleven nodded.
Sphere leaned forward, and placed his hand on the backscratcher. "I said get OUT!", he yelled, as he held up the backscratcher and waved it at all five "guests".
"Holy crap, he's got the backscratcher!", Beef said, before he, Janito, Steve, and the Janitors all ran away in fear.
"Groove Is In The Heart" blasts over the PA system as we head down to RINGSIDE! Yes, the nWo Elite theme plays, bringing out Mongo & Kevin Greene for this handicap match. As they head to the ring, we're treated to slow-motion clips of Sphere making this match earlier in the program. When we come back from the clips, the Razor Ramon Theme hits, bringing out Razor Ramon. Yes, we think you're THAT stupid. Razor gets into the ring as Mongo and Greene look at his yellow ring gear in disgust, and the nWo Elite team decide that Mongo will start off the match.
BORT: I always hated Razor's yellow getup (tights/elbowpads/kneepads). It was just...ugly.
Razor and Mongo circle each other, but before they can even lock up, Greene slides underneath the bottom rope and starts biting Razor's ankle. Razor "shoos" him off and then starts to punch Mongo alot. Mongo comes back by...punching Razor alot. Mongo tries to turn things up a notch by whipping Razor into the ropes and going for a dropkick, but Razor holds onto the ropes, and the dropkick Mongo throws is perhaps the WORST EVER. Razor, Greene, the Ref, Heftel, Jackhammer, Claire, Mr. T, and even Cow break out in fits of laughter upon witnessing Mongo's dropkick attempt. About five minutes later, when things settle down, Mongo goes back to punching Razor alot, and then he tags in Greene, who punches Razor alot. Razor makes a comeback by...punch...wait, you know what? Screw this. Here's a bio of sorts on Mongo:
All of the following is legit.
-Joined the University of Texas Longhorns on a footbal scholarship.
-Played in the Sugar bowl vs. Notre Dame, in which Joe Montana was quarterback.
-Joins the NFL, drafted and plays for the New Orleans Saints.
-Traded to the Chicago Bears.
- Gets his Super Bowl ring with the Bears. Was on the All Madden team.
-His likeness is featured in Tecmo Bowl football video game.
-Traded to Green Bay and finishes his football career.
-Becomes a part of the new Monday Nitro announce team.
-After Flair harasses Mongo's wife, Mongo challenges the Horsemen to a tag match at the Great American Bash. They accept.
June 17: At the Great American Bash, Mongo makes his pro-wrestling debut as Kevin Greene's tag partner vs. Ric Flair and Arn Anderson. Mongo uses his briefcase to hit Greene and help the Horsemen win. Mongo becomes a member of the Horsemen. Greene would later forget about this entire ordeal.
May 18: Defeats Reggie White at Slamboree.
August 21: Mongo defeats Jarrett for the US title. Jarrett leaves soon after.
September 16: Mongo loses the US title to Curt Hennig. The Horsemen spilt.
-Starts feud with former Atlanta Falcons player Bill Goldberg.
December 28: Loses to Goldberg at Starrcade, thanks to a table.
We're gonna end the bio there, because Ken War has hit the ring carrying a football. Mongo has since tagged back into the match, which explains why he's in the ring, punching Razor alot. Ken War throws the football to Mongo, while shouting "hardkorr!!11", of course, but Mongo doesn't see it coming, and the football hits him right in the face. Mongo falls prey to the Razor's Edge, and yes, the first time Razor actually hits the Razor's Edge in fWEo, it wins him a match. It appears that Mongo and Greene could care less about the match at this point, as this was the second time Ken War inadvertantly cost them a match. They go to chase after him, but he hops the guardrail and trips over Jackhammer's foot. He falls into a nearby steel chair head first, splitting his head open and cracking his skull. Yes, blood is just gushing out of his forehead, and it's safe to say that Ken War is dead, ladies and gentlemen. Claire covers her eyes, but it looks like Heftel and Mr. T don't know what just happened, as they seem to be in some sort of argument.
"What do you mean "Coldplay rules"?", Heftel shouts.
"All I said was that Jeremiah Freed is a terrific band.", T responded.
"So you're gonna sit here and tell me that Coldplay is better than Jeremiah Freed?"
Go check out some Jeremiah Freed. Particularly "Again", "Stranded", and "Rain".
"That's not what I said."
"Why do you think they're better, huh? Just because they're more well-known? Huh? Probably...sold more albums? Lemme tell ya something, pal. Album sales do NOT reflect the quality of the music ON the album!"
"I don't even like Coldplay!"
"What? You think Coldplay's better because they're British? Go write an article for "Spin"."
And we'll just be moving on...
"Vah! Zis sewer... it iz unacceptable! It iz not that dirty! I shall send a complaint to ze sewer maint'nence in ze morning!", Hans Krueger complained as he looked around a sewer in Beaverton.
Meanwhile, in another part of the sewer system, Sarah_Bot was leading Kay Fabe, Little Good, Eliza "The Jobber Slayer", Xamfir, Jeannie and Styles. The sloshing of water could be heard as their feet moved.
"We're down here, why?" Xamfir wondered.
"The script, as usual," Styles murmured.
"HEY!" Kay Fabe yelled. "Will you stop being silly. We're down here to find the guy who sent those sandwiches after us."
"And you wished you knew where he was," Jeannie added.
"AHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Eliza added.
"OH MY GOD!" Styles exclaimed.
"Bloody hell," Little Good added.
"Is this a catchphrase moment?" Xamfir wondered. "Because, I don't have one."
"You know, mein comrade, I do not have one either." Krueger said as he turned and waved at the Shaggy Gang.
"What are you doing here?" Xamfir asked.
"Zah! I am lookeen for a better place for mein office. Mein office iz too.... clean." Krueger said, as he shuddered at the thought of cleanliness.
"I know you. You're bad," Sarah_Bot said to the Mayor, breaking things to a child-like simplicity. "I fight bad wrestlers, because I'm the Jobber Slayer," she said with a wide smile.
"Ja, and I am ze Mayor of Beaverton. It iz mein job, comrade, to be ze evil one. Zou cannot stop mein plans." Krueger said.
"AHHHHHHHHHH!" came the shrill scream of disagreement from Eliza.
"ZAH! Must jou be so loud?!"
"Umm. Right. So, is it fight time then?" Little Good asked, looking at his watch.
Krueger looked at his wrist, "No. It iz a freckle to five."
"You're not wearing a watch." Xamfir pointed out.
Sarah_Bot pulled out a banana. And then looked at Kay Fabe. "Slay me, Kay, SLAY ME!"
Everyone stared at Kay who began whistling innocently.
"What? It must be, a, programming glitch," Kay said with a nervous laugh.
"Man, I wish Adam Nowell was here," Xamfir said. "Then I could stand behind him and avoid the mayor's smelly breath."
"Your wish is my command," Jeannie said, snapping her fingers.
"What the hell? GOD DAMMIT!"
Xamfir ran behind Nowell to "hide."
"Kay Fabe has an idea," Kay said. She suddenly shoved Nowell towards the Mayor and screamed "RUN!" The Shaggy Gang followed her down the sewer-way. Xamfir yelling "This isn't over Mayor!"
Nowell and Krueger looked at each other for a long, agonizing moment.
"JESUS!" Nowell said, before he, himself, ran off, leaving a very, very confused Krueger behind.
The writer of this match was pretty lazy, and was well aware that the entrances for this match would have actually lasted longer than the match itself. So for the record, this match was started "in progress". You could tell because Sean Mooney helpfully pointed out the large graphic in the middle of the screen that said "JOINED IN PROGRESS" that actually blocked Beef's head.
Beef poked his head out from behind the "P".
"Um, hey... could we get rid of this graphic? We're blocking my boyish good looks." Beef said.
La Parka gave a questioning shimmy in the direction of Beef.
"Hey, you! I'll have you know that I've been on the cover of Rolling Stone, Tiger Beat, Maxim, and Time!" Beef said, standing high and mighty as the graphic faded away, "See, even the people making the graphics agr-- okay, could we get rid of the great big CENSOR BLOCK on my face, now?"
Texas Kid blinked, "If you've been on the cover of all of those magazines, then I'm the Queen of England."
"Shut up, Queen Scott Hart." Beef said.
Texas Kid responded only by superkicking Beef in the stomach. Beef stumbled backwards and accidently elbowed Eleven in the face.
"Hey! You meanieheadingly hit me in the face! You big meaniehead!"
The camera panned out to the floor for some reason, mainly so it can show El Janito and Janitor Seven standing around carrying water pistols. They haven't actually blasted anyone yet, though they did think about getting Claire's t-shirt wet before she angrilly glared at them when they started to point the pistols at said shirt.
"I have a bigger water pistol." Janitor Seven said.
"You twat, the size of your water pistol cannot compare to this delightful little number I carry." El Janito said.
"You know," Mike Heftel said to the two, "I have a hootnanny of a water gun at home."
Janito and Seven blasted Heftel in the face with the water pistols, knocking him down.
"You know, I was wondering. Why are we even still feuding? You guys obviously won the blowoff match, albeit, you did kick Eleven in the face with a big metal ring on your left big toe. But, I mean, it doesn't make sense according to this big book I found called '152 Different Ways For fWEo Storylines To Make Sense To Woj' by Chris Woj." Janitor Seven said.
"Chris Woj, that bloody wanker couldn't make sense out of a sodding children's book."
A hushed silence fell before everyone, as everyone stopped whatever it was they were doing and glared at Janitor Seven and El Janito.
Janitor Seven clutched his nuts, "What?! WHAT DID I DO!?"
Steve raised up Oddjob and hollered a mighty warcry.
He destroyed the nuts of both El Janito and Janitor Seven with a mighty charge, using Oddjob to his a major-league double Clothesline From Shanghai that would surely have Janito lying around in agony for a good ten minutes, and Seven lying around in agony for a good ten days.
Meanwhile, in the ring, Beef was still bent over from Texas Kid's Sweet Tummy Music, and TK kinda felt like repeating a spot just to piss off that Scott Keith guy, and so he did it again, this time hitting Beef in the face. Then La Parka shimmied over to Beef, made a cover that Janitor Eleven made absolutely no attempt to break up (even though he was standing RIGHT THERE), and got the three.
"Shimmy" by System of a Down played again as La Parka shimmied in victory. He turned to Texas Kid.
"Listen, for the last time, I'm NOT Scott Hart! Asshole."
SACJ's young cameraman waddled backstage and stopped dead in his tracks when he spotted Evil Smokey The Bear and the Underweartaker. Luckily for him, they acted like he wasn't there for some strange reason. No, these two behemoths weren't getting ready to tear each other apart, like they've done the last two shows, but were instead engaged in what seemed to be a friendly conversation.
"Yo, you gots the time, my brotha?", Evil Smokey asked Underweartaker.
Underweartaker looked at his watch, then reached into his pocket. He pulled out a quarter and showed it to Evil Smokey, then held up two fingers.
"Ah dig, ah dig. See, looka he-ah, we gots ta stop dis fightin', ya mean? We start gettin' along...brotha, we could tay-a dis joint apart, yo! Ya heard me?"
Underweartaker nods and holds up his fingers in the shape of a "W".
"Yeah, you feelin' me, ah feelin' you, dawg. Yo, ah gots ta know...where yo bitch at tonight?"
Underweartaker shrugs and makes the "talks too much" motion with his hand.
"Yeah, we gots ta put tricks in dey place sometime, yo. A'ight, listen up...someone round he-ah stole ma boy Ted E.'s tape..."
Underweartaker places his hands on his cheeks and opens his mouth in an "O". You know, like in "Home Alone"? Got it? Good.
"Yeah, you know wassup. See, a big dawg like you? You gone help me find dis cracka, and we gone rip dem apart and eat up dey intestines. You can have da large one, cuz you cool."
Underweartaker smirks and nods in agreement.
God help us all.
SACJ goes to the ring, as it's time for the main event. "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan's theme music played (no, not the "USA, Ya-ya-ya-USA" one, the one where he says "HOOOO!" alot), and out walked the Television Champion himself, "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan. He has a little trouble getting into the ring, since he's carrying both the American flag *and* his 2x4, but he eventually makes it in. He props up the flag in the corner, but is still holding the 2x4, as he waits for Sphere. But first...
"Fly Like An Eagle" brings out Senor Funpants, the special guest referee for this match. Because it's the Television Title, there is a three minute time-limit. Funpants gets into the ring and Duggan offers to shake his hand, but Funpants walks right by him, so Duggan covers it up by pulling a comb out of his tights. No, he doesn't comb his hair, he just pulls a comb out of his tights and looks at it.
"Son Of A Bitch" plays over the PA system (okay, so it's just a stereo player), and out walks Sphere. He confidently strolls down the ramp, and smirks in Funpants' direction as he climbs into the ring. OH MY GOD I THINK THEY'RE IN CAHOOTS. Right when Sphere gets into the ring, Duggan walks up to him and offers to shake his hand, much like he did with Funpants earlier. Sphere looks down at Duggan's hand, and then up at him, before pointing over Duggan's shoulder.
BORT: Something I just found out in the past week about Sphere's entrance theme. It's actually called "Hair of the Dog". I should've known this piece of information years ago. I'm an idiot.
"Look over there."
Duggan turns around and looks where Sphere told him to look.
"Now look back at me."
Duggan turns around to look at Sphere, who promptly slaps him across the face.
Cow moos, and this match is ON.
"So, Hacksaw...PSYCHE PSYCHE PSYCHE!", Sphere yells, holding his hands toward Duggan, opening and closing them, like, really fast.
"That ain't gonna work on Hacksaw, tough GUY!"
"Oh, it won't? Well how about this...I notice that when you bend over for the three-point stance, that, not only can I see your GIGANTIC ass crack, but it appears that you're not well-endowed, either."
"Hacksaw's gonna take that one like a MAN, tough guy."
"Oh yeah? Your choice of blue sucks."
"Blue is one of the good ol' US of A's colors!"
"Your flag isn't big enough, and that 2x4 is obviously compensating for something else."
"Yer darn tootin' it is, TOUGH guy! Hacksaw's got a few screws loose, if you know what I mean, Gene."
"You're horrible at "Pin-The-Tail-On-The Donkey."
"That's a fabrication, daddy-o. Hacksaw placed third at his 8th birthday party!"
"Third is HORRIBLE! That's what I'm trying to say!"
"Third means third BEST! HOOOOO!"
"Oh, oh, and then there's THAT. That potty mouth of yours probably got you suspended many times in high school. How DARE you treat women like that?"
"Hacksaw was an all-star football player back in high school! Why, back then, I could treat women however I wanted to!"
"Well...uh...you can't do a cartwheel!"
"That's common knowledge, TOUGH GUY!"
"Jesus Christ. Is there ANYTHING....wait. I got it."
Sphere clears his throat.
"You. Jobbed. To. Koko. B. Ware."
I don't even know if this is true. It might've happened in Mid-South, since the only Koko B. Ware stuff I'm familiar with is his WWF work.
"That does it, powder puss. You can insult my choice of colors, or point out how badly I treated women a mere thirty years ago, but how DARE you remind me of losing to a guy who carries a parrot to the ring with him?"
Funpants steps in, looking straight at Duggan.
"Hey. You. Lemme see that 2x4."
"Here you go, Joe!"
Duggan hands Funpants the 2x4, and Funpants proceeds to pop Sphere right in the forehead with it.
"Ow! My...my forehead! Funpants??? What the HELL are you doing?"
"Sorry! Force of habit!"
Cow mooed, signaling the end of the match.
Yes, the three minute time-limit had expired.
One second later, Virgil appeared out of nowhere and hit Duggan in the back of the head with his Million Dollar Belt, sending him face first to the canvas. Sphere was still furious.
"Dammit, Funpants, you were supposed to hit *him* with the 2x4, and if that didn't work, THEN Virgil was going to come in and take care of business. While your, uh, back was turned, of course. But YOU forgot to keep track of the time, and Virgil, YOU just displayed some very bad judgment!"
"Chicken, ah was eatin' some chicken!", Virgil told Sphere.
"So what we do now?", Virgil asked.
Sphere, Funpants, and Virgil all looked down at Duggan and shrugged, before they started stomping away.
Seated at ringside, Mike Heftel couldn't take anymore.
He ran into the ring and attempted to rip off his shirt, perhaps thinking it'd be a good form of intimidation.
"Michael!", yelled Jackhammer from his seat.
"Huh? What?", Heftel said as he turned around.
"You're not wearing a shirt!"
Heftel looked down at his bare chest.
"That is correct."
Heftel turned back around, only to get clotheslined by Funpants. Heftel was now getting stomped on, and he didn't seem to like it that much.
"Stop it! PLEEEEASE?", he asked politely from his fetal position.
As the stomping continued, "Slave To The Grind" hit, and out ran Black Quicksilver. BQ quickly went to work on Virgil as Sphere and Funpants made their exit. BQ whipped Virgil into the ropes and nailed him with the SuperQuick-SilverKick, which, like any other move Virgil takes, is COMPLETELY oversold. Virgil hops up to his feet, still selling the SuperQuick-SilverKick, but BQ hooks him and delivers the Cubic Zirconium Cutter. He then kicks Virgil out of the ring and helps up Heftel as Sphere grabs a microphone.
"Quicksilver...you think you can one up ME? The super-terrific-mega-heel? Well...Tuesday, March 4th...I've got this "special" lined up..."Jobbers & Polka Dots Forever"...the main event of that show will be a six-man tag. You...Heftel...and, uh..."
Jackhammer sits up straight and dusts himself off.
"How about Duggan? Yeah, that piece of crap laying there in the ring. It'll be you three against Virgil....Mr. T..."
"Bullhickey.", said T from his seat, having no idea WHY he's being put into the match. Meanwhile, Jackhammer angrily crumbles up a piece of paper, throws it to the floor, gets up from his seat, and storms away.
Stolen from an episode of "The Simpsons" where Ned Flanders, furious over not winning an award, crumbles up a random piece of paper and tosses it down in frustration.
"Yes...Virgil, Mr. T, and...ready for this one?", Sphere says, before a huge grin comes across his face.
So, yeah. March 4th. Black Quicksilver, Mike Heftel, & "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan vs. Senor Funpants, Mr. T, & Virgil. And probably some other stuff, too.