"I'm a genius. For today's main event, I've teamed myself up with Evil Smokey The Bear and perhaps the greatest tag team who have ever lived not named "Sphere & Senor Funpants", New York Matters, and the four of us will be facing that rat bastard Quicksilver, that huge drink of water known as the Underweartaker, and those two homosexual dance party buddies who think they're actually GOOD at calling matches. I shouldn't have to refer to them by name.", Sphere boasted.
BORT: It probably would've been better if I put "Sphere & Sphere" instead of "Sphere & Senor Funpants", but hey...at least I was being logical.
"Yeah...cool.", TK said, looking at his feet.
"Scott, I sense that something's wrong. You better start explaining, or else I'll shoot you with my BB gun for fooling me into having...feelings. Bah."
"Well, it's just that I feel all lonely now. Eliza left me! Texas."
Even when he's depressed about no longer having a valet, Texas Kid still finds time to correct Sphere on his name.
"Ah, so you ARE still thinking about her, ay? I figured you would, so I took it upon myself to put together a little exhibition. Ladies?"
Claire and Nitro Girl Siren walk into Sphere's office. Judging by the look on their faces, they have no idea why they're there, but Sphere began to explain.
You gotta wonder why Claire and Siren keep agreeing to make these appearances in Sphere's office.
"Ladies, my close, personal friend here, Mr. Hart...oh, excuse me...*Dr.* Hart...", Sphere says, giving TK the "thumbs up". "Yes, Dr. Hart is looking for a woman. Now, Siren, while you pledged your undying love to me months ago, I'm sorry, babe, but I'm putting you on the line here. You two will battle it out RIGHT NOW. Winner gets Scoot here. Yes, I called him "Scoot". Alright, so, yeah, ding ding."
The joke about "Dr. Hart" is that Scott Hart was the *teacher*, while Texas Kid was the one who's a doctor.
Both Claire and Siren just rolled their eyes.
"There's no way we're fighting.", Claire told Sphere.
"Yeah, especially for him.", Siren chimed in, causing TK to look down at the floor in shame.
"Ooh, BURN!", Sphere remarked. "Siren, my pet...I had no idea you were so deliciously EVIL! Delicious, yes, but deliciously evil? No clue!"
"Whatever.", Siren said, right before she left the room. Claire wasn't that far behind.
"Well, that sure blew up in your face, now, didn't it?", Sphere asked TK.
"But you called them in here!"
"That's not exactly correct. You see.."
And we never find out why it's supposedly TK's fault, because...
"Hey!", said Mike Heftel, who had just ran into the office.
"Um...can I help you?", Sphere asks him.
"I heard there was gonna be a fight in here, and all backstage fights need someone to seperate them, so I figured I'd be the guy who does all the seperating, so...when's the fight gonna start?"
Sphere and TK looked at each other, then back at Heftel. Sphere pulled out his BB gun and nonchalantly shot Heftel in the left arm.
"OW! It's gonna be a long afternoon..."
SACJ went to the ring, where...the ref was raising Jackhammer's hand in victory? Did anyone hear a moo?
Well...Renegade and Krueger are laid out in the ring, so either the opening segment went too long and this match was joined in progress, or we've somehow managed to witness the first match ever to end LITERALLY before it started. Hmph.
BORT: Maybe this is the place I should mention that this show is being held in Bronson, Missouri, which is another Simpsons reference. Homer was supposed to go to Branson, MO for some reason, but he ended up in Bronson, where everyone looked like actor Charles Bronson, best known for his role in the "Death Wish" series, a favorite of Comey's.
SACJ went to a vacant locker room for probably no reason at all.
Oh, wait. Stump and a bottle of Surge are in the locker room. Is the room still vacant? That's YOUR call.
Mike Heftel walks by and happens to look into the room.
"Holy crap!", Heftel shouts, before he runs into the locker room and apparently tries to break up a skirmish between the two inanimate objects. About three minutes later, Heftel leaves the locker room with Stump, a black eye, a sprained ankle, back pains, and possibly a broken pinky finger.
BORT: I can't remember what gave me the idea to have Heftel repeatedly try to break up fights and walk away much worse off than he was before, but Heftel getting his ass kicked is something that'll never get old.
"He never saw me coming.", Heftel tells Stump, as SACJ goes elsewhere...
SACJ went down to the ring for it's second match of the day (or first, depending on your point of view). Dan Williams stood in the ring, waiting for his opponent. "Don't Turn Around" started up, and out walked Texas Kid, without a valet, but with a sewer armadillo that he dragged behind him in a cage. It should be noted that there are no wheels on the cage, so TK is having a mighty hard time dragging the sewer armadillo to the ring. Once he finally gets to ringside with the cage, he simply leaves it there and climbs into the ring, ready for his match.
BORT: This might be the longest match I wrote involving one of the Preliminary Wrestlers.
However, the ref points out that TK isn't wearing any tights.
"Are you gonna wrestle in your underwear?", he asks the masked wrestler.
TK looked down and noticed that he is, in fact, only wearing underwear.
"Um...okay, look. If I wasn't going to wrestle in my underwear, don't you think I'd either be wearing tights over them *or* would have taken the underwear OFF by now?"
"My mistake. Alright, let's go!", the ref said, signalling for Cow to moo, which officially started the match.
The ref chooses not to argue any further since he does NOT wish to see TK with no underwear on.
"Look son, I got Cowpies in my spurs bigger than you.", TK told Williams.
"I thought you only say that when I'm down and you're kicking me.", Williams replied.
"Actually, I don't even say it. That's just what it's called when I'm kicking you while you're down."
"That's a pretty long name for a couple of kicks."
"Well I'm a pretty long guy."
Williams was confused.
"Wait...no I'm not. I would still have a woman if I was. Dammit, Dave, it's all YOUR fault!"
"But my name is Dan!"
"Is it now? Is it REALLY?"
"Yeah, it is! Look!"
Williams took out his birth certificate and gave it to Texas Kid.
"A-ha! Your name isn't David OR Dan! It's DANIEL! Just for lying to me like that, I'm gonna attempt to kick your ass! HUZZAH!", TK shouted at the same time he grabbed Williams' hand and gave him a papercut with the birth certificate. Williams screamed like a little girl while TK wiped his ass with the birth certificate. "Ha! Now that I've wiped myself with your birth certificate, this means you've never been born!"
I really like that spot....probably because it's the only time TK got to be a "badass", even if he still a bit delusional.
"It's...it's a copy!", Williams said while in obvious pain.
"Oh, I'll copy you, alright!", TK said before dropkicking Williams. Yes, that's right. Someone in the fWEo not named Black Quicksilver just threw a dropkick.
TK then took Williams down with a lariat, because after all, his name is "Texas Kid", and all Texas-related wrestlers MUST use a lariat. Okay, so TK isn't FROM Texas, but it's in his name, hence the usage of the lariat. TK waited for Williams to stumble to his feet, and then exected Sweet Tummy Music, complete with Williams muttering "Higher, asshole!" before crumbling to the mat. TK, the outstanding ring technician that he is, covered him for the easy three-count.
However, he wasn't done.
TK went to the outside and took the sewer armadillo out of it's cage, then put it in the ring. The ref got "the hell out of dodge", as TK climbed back into the ring and watched as the sewer armadillo crawled around Williams.
"C'mon, jump on him! Bite him!", TK shouted at the sewer armadillo, who kept going back and forth, barely acknowledging Williams. "Jesus Christ! We've got just about two weeks before SummerHiptoss and you can't even bite anyone yet?", a disappointed TK said to his sewer armadillo, before he went to pick it up, as SACJ went backstage...
"Who's my little earthworm? WHO'S my little earthworm? Huh, huh?"
1-2-3 Kid stood backstage, talking to an earthworm which he had in a see-through container.
"Why aren't you answering me? I'm asking you who my earthworm is! That's YOU! You're my little earthworm! We need to get on the same page here if we wanna beat Scott Hart at SummerHiptoss. He's a former fWo Hardcore Champion, you know!"
"Dammit! I'm...not...Scott Hart!", Texas Kid said, who had just entered the backstage area after his match, dragging the cage holding the sewer armadillo behind him.
BORT: Hence the reason I didn't end TK's match with shenanigans involving him not being to get his armadillo back in the cage.
"Oh yeah? Well at least I don't struggle carrying MY equalizer around with me!"
"Yes you do! You can barely hold up that container with both arms as we speak!"
"That's...true. But still...you have to DRAG yours! That can't be good for it's health!"
"It's a sewer armadillo! It eats the feces of rats and other sewer armadilloes! You think it CARES about it's health?"
"Maybe it does...maybe it needs the feces to live, and that's why it eats the stuff."
"Since when did you start thinking logically?"
Kid tried to remember what "logically" meant.
"Um...I went pee-pee all by myself yesterday."
"Oh, your mommy doesn't help you anymore?"
"My mommy never helped me in the first place. Siren did."
"Wha huh wha? She'll help you take a piss, but she won't be my valet? I hate red-heads."
I've realized that Siren has a crush on Kid despite the fact that he thinks he's a 16 year-old and acts no older than 5, *or* she just thinks he's handicapped and is really nice to him.
"Screw you, mister! Red hair is pretty!"
"Oh yeah? Well...this here sewer armadillo is going to EAT your earthworm at SummerHiptoss. Or, since that one's probably gonna die before then, a different earthworm."
"That's where you're wrong, doody-head! Earthworms never die!", Kid shouted, right before he looked at his earthworm. "Okay, except for this one. I have to go get a new one at somewhere where it's raining."
"Hey, you mind if me and my sewer armadillo come along? I need fresh air and it needs exercise."
"Sure, but you have to drive. I'm still a few years away from getting my permit."
Yes, the innocence of a child...only in the fWEo.
Oh, and Mike Heftel happened to walk by right when TK started to drag the sewer armadillo's cage. Nobody saw Heftel walk by, either because they weren't paying attention or just because it's Heftel, so as a result, the cage ran over Heftel's foot.
It's time for another one of those match thing-a-ma-bob-ers, as "Groove Is In The Heart" brings out the nWo Elite. For those who don't know who the nWo Elite is (pretty much EVERYONE), it's Mongo and the Undisputed North Dakotan Wominternopean Janitorjobberweight Champion, Kevin Greene. Like always (not like ANYONE would know), Mongo is leading Greene to the ring on a leash, while Greene, who's walking on all fours, has his championship belt hanging out of mouth. After the two reach the ring, "Little Willy" plays, bringing out their partner for this match, Gershwin Kosher. Kosher skips down the aisle and curtseys to both Mongo and Greene when he gets in the ring. Greene, not knowing any better, latches onto Kosher's arm with his teeth. Mongo manages to pry him loose, and Kosher shakes off the bite. "Hmm-hmm...must be a STRAIGHT dog!", Kosher tells Mongo.
"Cotton-Eyed Joe" signals the arrival of one of their opponents, James Cagle. Cagle isn't even halfway down the aisle before Waru stumbles out from behind the curtain and heads toward the concession stand. Of course, no one is working at the concession stand, so you better believe something almost resembling hilarity will ensue. Cagle decides to enter the ring all alone, which seems rather dangerous at first, but he immediately beats down Kosher and powerbombs him. Greene jumps onto Cagle's leg and starts, well...humping it. Cagle tries to shake Greene off while Mongo repeatedly blasts him with his Haliburton briefcase. Cagle politely asks Mongo to stop hitting him as he attempts to get Greene off his leg, and then "Natural Born Killaz" starts blaring throughout the bingo hall.
BORT: I likely had Cagle powerbomb Kosher right away so I wouldn't have to have Kosher say anything.
Yes, Bob "The Jail-House Rocker" McGee is here.
McGee runs down the aisle with a trashcan full of weapons and tosses it into the ring, nailing Mongo in the head in the process. All of the weapons, including a crutch, a toaster, a broom, a dustpan, a pair of handcuffs, a cookie sheet, a frying pan, and a Sheryl Crow CD, are now scattered in the ring, as Cagle finally kicks Greene away. Greene looks around and hurries over to a corner, where he squats down and watches the match.
I'm pretty sure I left that list of weapons mostly empty at first, then I went back and added whatever I had used during the match. The Sheryl Crow CD was always there, though, as that was always the staple of comedy matches that invovled weapons going back to the early days of the fWo.
Meanwhile, over at the concession stand...
"No, not Penthouse. Barely Legal, dammit!"
As if Waru could tell the difference anyway....or even know what he was looking at.
Back in the ring, McGee smacks Kosher in the face with the cookie sheet over and over again, all while Kosher's left hand is stuck in the toaster. It's not plugged in, but it probably still burns. Kinda. Just a little. Okay, it doesn't burn at all because it's not plugged in and it's broken anyway. Mongo comes up behind McGee and blasts him across the back with the crutch. "The Jail-House Rocker" decides not to sell it, and turns around, ready to kill Mongo.
"Ah'm sorry, bay-ba! Ah never meant to hit you with that! Or beat Reggie White! Honest, bay-ba, honest!", Mongo pleads with McGee. When it becomes obvious that McGee won't forgive Mongo, the former Nitro color commentator turns around and starts limping away, using the crutch for assistance. However, he runs right into Cagle.
Wow, did I just have Mongo apologize to McGee for beating Reggie White? And Mongo limping away while using the crutch, in hopes that McGee won't beat him up, is probably one of the funniest sight gags I've written.
"Now, look-uh here, Steve. It's not very lady-like to go hittin' people with dem there crutches, now is it?"
"Mongo said he was sorry, bay-ba, oh yeah!"
"Oh, well in that case, put 'er there, pardner!", Cagle says, extending his hand. Now, even though Cagle's the *good guy*, and Mongo's the *bad guy*, Mongo's the one left wondering if he can trust Cagle if he does indeed shake his hand. Of course, it's Mongo, so he doesn't wonder at all, and shakes Cagle's hand without hesitating. He's only shaking it for about two seconds before Cagle WHACKS him across the head with the frying pan. Hey, let's check back in with Waru at the concession stand.
"Jesus Christ, all I wanna do is cash this check."
Waru's likely holding a random piece of paper, since Sphere doesn't pay his employees.
Back in the ring, it seems as if McGee has somehow managed to disappear, and Cagle spots Greene, still squatting in the corner. He approaches the former WCW superstar, and Greene growls at him, right before hopping out of the ring in between the bottom and middle ropes.
"Woo-doggy.", Cagle remarks, before grabbing the broom and dustpan. He sweeps up the little surprise Greene left and disposes of it in the trashcan. Mongo is struggling to get to his feet while Kosher's pretty much dead, lying there underneath the bottom rope, busted wide open. Greene runs over to the concession stand and grabs Waru by the back of the neck with his teeth, then runs back to the ring, where he tosses Waru over the top rope, and then proceeds to start licking himself.
I think Greene throwing Waru over the top rope and into the ring with his TEETH tops McGee tossing Kosher up onto Sphere's roof during the backyard show.
McGee jumps off the balcony, aiming for Greene, but Greene shuffles over just a little bit, not even seeing McGee. As a matter of fact, there ISN'T any balcony in this bingo hall, so no one has any idea of where McGee jumped from. Greene stops licking himself to look over at the unconscious McGee, then goes back to licking himself.
Back in the ring, Cagle suddenly remembers that he has to go watch "Dukes of Hazzard" at 6 o'clock, so he simply leaves the ring, despite it only being 3 o'clock. Mongo waits for Waru to turn around, and when he does (accidentally, of course), the Super Bowl champion who once had his ring stolen by Goldberg BLASTS the masked superstar in the face with the Sheryl Crow CD. Waru falls back onto the mat as shards from the CD go everywhere, one of them landing in Kosher's right leg. Mongo drops down and covers Waru for the easy three-count, as everyone knows that a Sheryl Crow CD is one of the most painful weapons known to man. Kosher is finally coming to, and spots the handcuffs on the mat. His eyes grow wide and he pockets the handcuffs, as SACJ goes backstage...
...where La Parka was surveying a bottle of Cherry 7-UP.
"Hacksaw" Jim Duggan and Mr. T were hiding behind a stack of crates, watching the man who has won multiple titles throughout the world.
"Why is it a big deal if he drinks the Cherry 7-UP, TOUGH GUY?", Duggan whispered to T. Yes, whispered. Even the "TOUGH GUY" part.
"Well, James, you see, I am Mr. Parka's closest confidant, and I, for one, happen to know that he's allergic to cherries. If he drinks that Cherry 7-UP, then both of our SummerHiptoss opponents will be out of commission!"
BORT: The whole "La Parka is allergic to cherries" thing was never mentioned until right now.
"Good 'ol "Hacksaw" don't know what the HELL you just said, tough GUY!"
"But it's quite simple! Observe."
Duggan still couldn't understand Mr. T, so T pointed in La Parka's direction. La Parka stood there looking at the bottle of Cherry 7-UP, which had a note propped up against it that read "I'm not really cherry, honest!" La Parka shrugged, picked up the bottle, and started to untwist the cap. Hey, he was thirsty. And would you believe I ended up trying "crap" when I meant to put "cap" two sentences ago?
Based on that paragraph above, T should just either use sign language or write stuff on paper. La Parka sees nothing wrong with the note, probably since he's accustomed to the fact that inanimate objects on the fWEo roster can apparently talk.
However, right before La Parka could take a sip, Mike Heftel limped onto the scene.
"Hey, Parka! Did you know that Cherry 7-UP contains high fructose corn syrup?"
Whatever Heftel says about Cherry 7-UP are facts I got off the 7-UP website.
"Yes, that *is* a sugar! It also may contain a small amount of corn gluten."
"Gluten is a mixture of complex proteins found in wheat, barely, oats, rye, rice, corn, and other grains. Did you also know that Cherry 7-UP was introduced in 1987?"
"See, you learn something new every day!"
"Hacksaw" Jim Duggan came out of hiding and whacked Heftel in the back of the head with his 2x4.
"That's for remembering the history of a soft drink that tastes like cherries, tough GUY!"
"No, TOUGH GUY, "Hacksaw" wasn't talking about THAT one!"
Duggan just blew his and T's cover by mentioning that Cherry 7-UP indeed tastes like cherries, and tries to backtrack once Parka calls him on it.
Mr. T also came out of hiding and hit Duggan in the side with his elbow.
"You have ruined our plan!", T told Duggan as La Parka put the Cherry 7-UP down and shimmied away.
"You ruined our plan, TOUGH guy!", Duggan yelled at T.
"Um, hello? I'm still standing right here. Acknowledge me, please.", Heftel told them.
"But "Hacksaw" knocked you out with his trusty 2x4, TOUGH girl!"
"No, you hit me in the back of the head. Let's go back and look.", Heftel said, pulling out a remote and pressing a button.
"Hacksaw" Jim Duggan came out of hiding and whacked Heftel in the back of the head with his 2x4.
"That's for remembering the history of a soft drink that tastes like cherries, tough GUY!"
Heftel presses another button on the remote, then turns to Duggan and T.
Okay, so it's not really Duggan and T, just cardboard cutouts of them. Heftel realizes he's been left alone, but then he remembers that the bottle of Cherry 7-UP is still there. Surely he could carry a conversation with a soft drink. He turns toward the bottle, only to find a cardboard cutout of a bottle of Cherry 7-UP. He hangs his head in shame, as SACJ heads to the ring.
Heftel has REALLY hit rock bottom this show.
Barry Bladberth is already in the ring with Evil-Lyn, as we missed his entrance due to the fact that people would rather see Mike Heftel get embarassed than see Bladberth walk to the ring. Then again, Evil-Lyn *was* with him...okay, if we had a choice between watching Heftel get embarassed or watching Evil-Lyn walk to the ring, THEN we would've went to the ring, but it's Bladberth we're talking about. Evil-Lyn's only accompanying him. A guy like Bladberth NEEDS eye candy, you know?
"Fly Like An Eagle" brings out Senor Funpants. Yes, the look may change, but the funpants remain. Funpants starts hitting on Evil-Lyn right after he gets into the ring, perhaps not remembering that she blew him off two weeks ago. Bladberth attacks from behind, and the match is underway.
Of course, there's no one to call the action, because Sean Mooney and Larry Zbyszko are getting ready for the main event. So, as Funpants stands there and lets Bladberth "punch" him, David Crockett ushers Janitor Nine and Ken War out to the commenator's table. If you've been following things closely, you'll realize this is a great idea, since Nine and Ken War are feuding over who gets the secondary commentary position next to Joey Malone at Mall Brawl IV, which takes place at SummerHiptoss, LIVE from the Spectrum on August 25th! Since Bladberth's sober, his punches have no effect, and the commentators react accordingly.
"Oh my god, look at those piledrivers! =-O" Nine shouted.
"des metch esnt hardkorr!!11" Ken War added.
RENNER: Obviously, Nine doesn't even know what a *punch* is. Ken War is clearly the smarter of the two, as he is in agreement that this match already sucks.
Funpants decides it's time to dish out a AAA minor league ass-whooping, and picks Bladberth up in a gorilla press, dropping him throat first across the top rope, and then nearly taking Bladberth's head off with a big boot to the face.
BORT: "AAA minor league ass-whooping". I have NO idea how I came up with that line.
"What a beautiful tope con hilo suicida by Jesus Funpants! :-)"
"hes neme es senior fanpunts, u edeot!!11" Ken War shouted at Nine.
RENNER: I guess Janitor Nine just doesn't know what any move is and just miscalls everything badly. Maybe he's a precursor to Mike Adamle.
Funpants covers Bladberth, but pulls him up after two. He pulls Bladberth up to his feet and literally smacks him around, before whipping him into the ropes and catching him with a sidewalk slam. He decides to take this time to gloat, and Evil-Lyn hops up on the apron, screaming at him.
"There's a stunner, and now Miss Elizabeth is yelling at Jesus Funpants! :-D"
"du u relaly x-pec 2 b ay guud aneuncouncer??//"
Funpants goes over and grabs Evil-Lyn. He holds her...holds her...HOLDS her...holds her...
BORT: Another Simpsons reference, as that's basically how Kent Brockman called a soccer game where the only thing going on was two of the players passing the ball back and forth to each other, with one of them holding it for a while somewhere in between.
"fanpunts es str8 otu ov coempten!!111"
"He's got Evil-Lyn in a half boston crab! =-O"
RENNER: I guess Funpants would "fuck da police" in Ken War's book.
Finally, Razor Ramon stumbles down to ringside, obviously blowing this spot royally. Razor pulls himself up onto the apron and falls off right when Funpants sees him. Now, since this was the second time Razor's screwed up in less than a minute, Funpants hops out of the ring and stomps on Razor's head for a little while.
"And now, Jesus Funpants is nailing Scott Hall with repeated Tiger Driver `91s!"
"hes reznor ramin, u jeckass!!11"
RENNER: Remember how we say that Razor Ramon and Scott Hall are two different people? Ken War is clearly aware of this, while Janitor Nine has effectively broken kayfabe by being abysmal at commentary.
Funpants has decided that while it's been fun helping Razor lose a few brain cells, he should get back in the ring and finish the match. And finish the match he does, as he easily picks Bladberth up and delivers Dockers sponsors Senor Funpants' finisher...Nice Pants, getting the win.
"And there's the Flaming Fire Smasher Thing 2001, right to Byron Calver!"
"...y r u alweoed 2 breethe?/"
RENNER: Byron Calver is a friend of mine who is known for having won the fWo World Tag Titles for three days and not even being aware of the reign. He's also extremely lazy, perhaps the laziest guy I know, but I still talk to him for whatever reason. Possibly pity?
After the match, Evil-Lyn enters the ring to check on her fiancee', but since Funpants is a "no-good bastard", he once again grabs Evil-Lyn by the hair. There's no drunk Razor Ramon to save her this time, but there *is* Bam Bam Bigelow, who comes wobbling down the aisle.
"Look out, Jesus! Here comes Lucifer! =-O"
"u suk!!11" Ken War added.
Bigelow slides into the ring and goes for a cartwheel kick. Funpants goes down, but not because Bigelow hit him...but because Bigelow JUST missed him and split his tights, revealing that he STILL hasn't gotten his pair of Hanes back from Sphere.
"ROCK BOTTOM! ROCK BOTTOM! HELLFIRE AND BRIMSTONE! =-O"
"...em ey sposed 2 sey 'ppupeidses' nwo??/"
RENNER: A thinly-veiled reference to Nine being Jim Ross and Ken War being Jerry Lawler.
Funpants rolls out of the ring, as Bigelow holds up a sign that says "Black Quicksilver & Bam Bam Bigelow vs. Sphere & Senor Funpants is the main event for SummerHiptoss".
"Lucifer with the dreaded double underhook facebuster from the top rope, also known as Hell's Rollercoaster! =-O"
BORT: Oddly enough, BQ would go on to win the fWo World Title with a double underhook facebuster off the top rope, which he called the Black Diamond.
"wat teh hlel r u telkin boot??/ des es y ey shlud b comenetiatging @ teh pepeve!!11"
"But I'm actually coherent! >:o"
RENNER: I guess the argument is that, were Ken War actually coherent, he would be the best commentator because Janitor Nine is just horrible, but since Nine is aware that nobody understands Ken War... he should get the position because he's coherent. Something like that.
And then a sandbag killed Ken War.
"Whoa. I'm outta here before a ziploc bag falls on *me*. Hey, that doesn't sound too bad, especially if there's a ham and cheese sandwich in it. Ham and cheese sandwich...yeah...think I'll go get one. :)"
RENNER: I can only surmise that Bort wrote this line.
BORT: If I did write that line, it was probably just because we couldn't think of any other way to get Nine out of there.
Nine walked off, as SACJ heads elsewhere...
SACJ goes to a studio in an undisclosed location, where the Ultimate Warrior is sitting behind a desk, wearing a suit.
Okay, so the "undisclosed location" is a spare room in the bingo hall, but come on, play along.
"Hello, fellow warriorrrrrrrrrsaaaaaarrrrrrghhhhhh! This is your Lord and Saviour, your Alpha and Omega, your Cagney and Lacey, THE WARRIORRRRRRRAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHH! It is time for WARRIOR WEEKLY NEWSSSSSSSAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH! Let's see what is in the news that is worth reporting on this fine afternoon. Kobe Bryant..."
"Okay, okay, stop this! Stop this RIGHT NOW!", Sphere said, walking onto the Warrior Weekly News set and interrupting Warrior. You two miss the past two shows and you think I'm going to let you do this Weekend Update ripoff?"
"The two of us? The Warrior knows not of the second one you speak of. The Warrior also must say that he is a better fake news anchor than The One They Call Jimmy Fallon."
BORT: In all truthfulness....Warrior's probably right.
"Don't play dumb with me." Sphere looked off-camera. "You! Front and center, NOW!"
Virgil walked into camera view.
"Dammit, chicken, ah gots ta hurry! Ah gotta get back to Chicago and deal with this Asian kid who keeps asking me for autographs!"
Another joke on the real Ike Chapman.
"Oh, you're not going anywhere. I don't know what happened to Nine and Ken War, so I need two other people to call the main event. You two decided to no-show a few times, and you have nothing else better to do today, so I want you out there in five minutes. Toodle-OOH."
Warrior and Virgil were intentionally left off the last two shows just so Sphere could punish them on this one by officially making them the fWEo's secondary commentary team.
Sphere walked away as Warrior and Virgil blamed each other for this form of punishment.
"This is all your fault, chicken! You called me and told me to get down here! Said it'd only take a few minutes! You lied to me, chicken! You lied to VIRGIL."
"The Warrior believes it is YOUR fault. Perhaps if you were kinder to the race known as The Caucasians, we would not have to suffer at the hands of Satan."
"What you mean ah gotta be nicer to white people? Ah love white people, chicken!", Virgil said, as he had Mike Heftel trapped in a headlock and was punching him in the stomach.
"The Warrior is off to describe the action that will take place in a match that promises to be epic."
"Ah ain't doin' this, chicken.", Virgil said, letting go of Heftel. Heftel fell to the floor as Virgil simply walked away.
Then Virgil came back and kicked Heftel.
Then he left again.
It's main event time on Saturday Afternoon's Curtain Jerker, as evidenced by the sounds of Skid Row filling the bingo hall, which means here comes Black Quicksilver, the current Sphere Heavyweight Champion. BQ...in the main evnet. Only in a bingo hall.
It should be noted that the Ultimate Warrior and Pinky The Squirrel are sitting at ringside, ready to call the match. Yes, Warrior and *Virgil* were the ones told to call the match, but apparently Virgil really *did* leave, and grabbed Pinky in the back, giving him a white undershirt that had "Virgil" written on it in black sharpie, and rather crudely, at that. It looks like Pinky hasn't watched much Virgil promos, as he forgets to use "chicken" every other word.
Anyway, if you're wondering why the top champion is entering the ring first for an eight-man tag match, then you obviously don't know how Sphere runs things around here. BQ ran down the aisle and slid into the ring, then climbed up onto the second turnbuckle. He wasn't sure what he should do here, as he usually plays to the crowd, but there ISN'T any crowd to play to. He simply hopped off the turnbuckle and ran the ropes, before removing the championship belt from around his waist.
Time of entrance for Black Quicksilver: 1:11
BORT: Honestly...I never really liked writing "serious" entrances.
Hot Action Cop's "Fever For The Flava" brought out the Underweartaker, accompanied by the LOVELY Sister Payne. Underweartaker did the Robot on the way to the ring, while Payne slowly followed him, shaking her head in disgust. After the two entered the ring, Underweartaker continued to dance, while motioning for BQ to do the same. BQ contemplated on doing the breakdance move that Jackhammer taught him back in high school, but he then saw Payne giving him a look that said something to the effect of "Like Hell you will". BQ decided it'd be best *not* to do ANY dance moves, as he's had enough women kick his ass in his lifetime. Shortly thereafter, Underweartaker's music died down.
I REALLY need to do some sort of flashback story to when BQ and Jackhammer were in high school.
Time of entrance for Underweartaker: 2:43
David Crockett wheeled out an overhead projector, and started putting pictures on the projector as "Touch & Go" began to play. Various pictures of Larry Zbyszko's accomplishments throughout his career were projected onto the wall of the bingo hall, including the time he turned Bruno Sammartino, the time he dumped Tom Zenk's "sorry ass" over the top rope to win the AWA World Title, and the *first* time he banged Verne Gagne's daughter. Right smack dab in the middle of all these pictures was a Sean Mooney highlight...him pretending to be sweating profusely on the set of Coliseum Video's "Hottest Matches". The song ends seconds after the duo enter the ring, as Warrior and "Virgil" claim they'll do a better job on this match than all the matches Mooney and Zbyszko have called together combined.
"The Gods of Public Access television will grant the Warrior the power of the accomplished broadcast journalist, so that he may be able to let all the little warriors know the ferocity and loquaciousness that occurs during this epic battle between eight of the greatest gladiators known to man.", Warrior proclaimed.
"Shut up...uh...chicken. I want your nuts.", "Virgil" said to Warrior, who totally no-sold it.
Time of entrance for Sean Mooney & Larry Zbyszko: 3:41
A combination of "Basketball", "What A Man", and "Jive Soul Bro" brings out the Sphere Tag Team Champions, New York Matters, along with Evil Smokey The Bear and his manager, Ted E. Ruxpin. The four "homies" each take turns "busting a move" in the aisle, and eventually climb into the ring. Evil Smokey needed some help of course, since he had just polished off a joint in the back and then danced in the aisle. He's really big, you know.
Time of entrance for Evil Smokey The Bear & New York Matters: 6:29
Crockett once again turns on the overhead projector, as some hybrid black metal-opera song begins to play...probably something by either Nightwish or Tristania. While the music plays, a bunch of pictures are displayed in chronological order, apparently serving as a timeline in the life of Sphere. Pictures shown in this presentation include:
I couldn't tell you ONE Tristiana song. I likely asked someone over IM to give me the name of a band that sounded similiar to Nightwish. If this was written two years later, I definitely would've put Within Temptation in there instead.
*Sphere's baby picture.
*A bunch of girls crowding around a five year-old Sphere in the sandbox during recess.
*Sphere stealing a plaque from someone at the 1985 National Spelling Bee.
*Sphere slapping his principal during middle-school graduation.
*Sphere leaving his junior prom with five women.
*Sphere giving his principal the finger while wearing nothing but the valedictorian medal during high-school graduation.
*Sphere holding the fWo Tag Title high above his head. This picture is smaller than the others on the account that it's been cut in half for some "mysterious" reason.
Notice how it said the presentation *included* those pictures, which means those weren't ALL the pictures shown.
Finally, the presentation is over, and "Son Of A Bitch" hits. Sphere walks out wearing a robe that says "Nature Man" on the back, and takes his time, slowly strutting down the aisle and getting into the ring.
Ric Flair might've been the Nature Boy, but Sphere was a step above.
Time of entrance for Sphere: 26:57
Over at the commentator's table, Warrior offers his last-minute thoughts on the match. "The Warrior believes that this will be a contest full of elementary psychology that will prove to be one of the greatest one-on-one bouts ever contested before an audience of thousands."
"Um...this isn't a one-on-one bout, giraffe. Now give me your nuts.", "Virgil" said to him.
"The Warrior is slightly offended, Mr. Pink Virgil. You have compared the Warrior to the Creature Known As The Giraffe. The Warrior guarantees you that he would breaketh his foot off in the ass of a giraffe if he ever crossed paths with one of the unruly beasts."
Cow moos, as BQ and Evil Smokey are going to start the match off for their teams. They go to lock up, but BQ ducks under, runs off the ropes, leapfrogs over Evil Smokey, and hits him with a front dropkick when the behemoth turns around, which sends him stumbling backward just a little. BQ tags Underweartaker, who charges at Evil Smokey with a clothesline, but he ducks, kicks Underweartaker in the gut, lifts him up, and "runs" across the ring, planting him with a powerslam. Evil Smokey tags in Lawrence Taylor, who immediately hops up to the top rope and goes for a flying splash, but Underweartaker moves out of the way and tags in Zbyszko, as LT splats onto the mat. Zbyszko picks LT up, and in one of his most dreaded maneuvers, takes LT over with a vertical suplex. Zbyszko calls LT a "punk kid" as he picks him up and throws him back into his own corner, allowing one-half of the Sphere Tag Team Champions to tag Sphere. Sphere runs into the ring, kicks Zbyszko in the nuts, and tags Reginald VelJohnson, as Zbyszko drops to his knees. VelJohnson hits the *VelJohnson-A-Rooni*, which sends Zbyszko falling back near his corner. Mooney reaches through the ropes and tags his broadcast colleague/tag team partner, then attempts to enter the ring. It *is* Sean Mooney, though, so of course, his right foot catches the middle rope at the same time he trips over Zbyszko with his left foot, causing him to fall face-first onto the mat. VelJohnson seizes the opportunity and drops down ass-first onto Mooney's head. Sphere also seizes the opportunity, reaching into the ring with his backscratcher and tagging VelJohnson. Sphere quickly jumps into the ring, rolls Mooney over, stomps on his nuts, and covers him for the three-count.
Time of match:: 0:46
Quite the spotfest, ay?
Sphere and his associates bid a hasty retreat, as Warrior sings the praises of the match he just witnessed.
"Pardon me, Virgil Who Resembles A Chipmunk, but the Warrior has to go inform those who did not have the pleasure of viewing this match that they missed out on a Battle For The Ages!"
Before Warrior could disappear, "Virgil" offered his comments on the match.
"I think it was stupendous, only because we got to see some crushed nuts! Hamster."
"You do know, Black Chipmunk, that the Warrior once slaughtered a colony of rodents, most of your kind, when he took a journey to the magical forest, and all it's inhabitants refused to five me, THE WARRIOR, directions to the Lake of Naked Female Forms?"
"Um...I wear pink."
Warrior disappears, and "Virgil" simply walks away, leaving no one at all to remind the "viewing" public that SummerHiptoss is on August 25th.