WR4I (wer4idiots) wrote,
WR4I
wer4idiots

SummerHiptoss Craptacular -- 06/17/03

The SummerHiptoss Craptacular, the BIGGEST show on the Road To SummerHiptoss kicked off in....yup, Sphere's office. The usual three are in the office...Sphere, Texas Kid, and a bottle of Surge. The bottle of Surge was doing it's usual filing, while Sphere sat behind the desk, and TK sat in front of it. Both men are doing their best to ignore that it's not really an "office", but actually Mrs. Stewart's seventh grade classroom.

BORT: This show took place in Marcy Open Elementary School in Minneapolis, MN. I have no connection to the school whatsoever. It was just picked at random once I figured the show would be in Minnesota and had already come up with the idea that it'd take place in an elemntary school gym. Oh, and once again, I'll be going solo for this commentary.

"So, what's lined up for the show today?", TK asked Sphere.

"Well, first off, you'll be happy to know that YOU are in the main event."

"I am?"

"YOU are in the main event."

"I am?"

"YOU are in the main event."

"I am?"

"YOU are in the main event."

"Cool!"

"Good. I don't know if you were aware, but I had to repeat myself several times. Maybe you should get your hearing checked."

"Noted. Who am I facing in the main event?"

"Well, it's a tag team bout. It pits you and my other right-hand man, Senor Funpants, against MY arch-enemy, Black Quicksilver, and YOUR arch-enemy, the 1-2-3 Kid. Also, to ensure fairness, Bam Bam Bigelow and any earthworms owned by the 1-2-3 Kid are banned from ringside during the bout."

"Whoa, that totally favors me and Funpants!"

"Exactly. Speaking of Bigelow, he'll be stinking up the ring with Renegade today. And speaking of "stinking", I've also got "Hacksaw" defending the Television Title against Janitor Nine. He thinks he can make his own matches...I can't believe I'm saying this, but I hope Nine wins the title today, because then that totally screws up the TV Title picture for SummerHiptoss!"

"I love confusion."

Spoken like a true fWEo supporter.

"That's why you're a friend of mine."

"What about the people who are confused that we're friends now, since it was only a few months ago that we were feuding?"

"It's their fault for remembering. Write that down."

"Got it."

"You don't have a pen."

"I have a pencil."

"No you don't. You've been scared of pencils ever since the 1-2-3 Kid attacked you with one and tried to murder you with it during our last show."

"I know. Rat bastard."

More confusion, as TK is ready to write down Sphere's advice but apparently doesn't have anything to write with, and also momentarily forgets that he is now afraid of pencils.

"Anyway...I have no idea where Angel is, so I don't know what's up with him and his boring adventures...I'll announce some more names for Mall Brawl...we got some new guys debuting...and, hey, maybe we'll see some matches today."

"Wrestling matches?"

"Lord no. It's 2003."

By the way, doesn't this logo suck?

I can't remember what the logo looked like. It probably DID suck, though.


{internet smark mode}

Obviously, you can tell this match is going to written in a way that reminds you of an annoying "smart" wrestling fan. You know, the people who apparently don't like anything they watch and think they're a better worker than most of the guys they see on TV?

The SummerHiptoss Craptacular heads to the ring for...the hell? This match already? Why not one that WASN'T announced in the opening segment?

Bam Bam Bigelow comes out to "Celebration", and surely if there was a crowd, they'd be on their feet during his entrance. Of course, they'd probably be sitting on their hands now, since Renegade, a bad wrestler, runs to the ring as "Renegade", a great song, plays. It shouldn't come as a surprise that he didn't blow the spot where he runs to the ring, since there's no ramp, but...well, he still sucks. The thought of it sucks even more, too, considering he's one of the few "serious" guys in the fWEo.

Bigelow starts off the match by doing a cartwheel, and Renegade, that dumb bastard, rolls his eyes instead of politely applauding. Bigelow doesn't like this, so he gives Renegade an enziguri. Stupid Renegade. He wouldn't have gotten hit with an enziguri if he didn't grab Bigelow's left foot when Bigelow obviously missed the kick by a mile. This sends Renegade reeling into the corner, and Bigelow follows in with an avalanche, causing Renegade to collapse to the mat. One moonsault later, and the match is over. This probably means Renegade's nothing but a jobber now, since he lost to Bigelow's secondary move.

Speaking of guys who job to secondary moves, here comes Hans Krueger for no reason in particular. Okay, he does have a reason for being there: getting his ass kicked by Bigelow for no reason in particular. Bigelow dumps Krueger from the ring and Renegade tries to attack him, but Bigelow side steps and Renegade trips over his foot, getting tangled up in the ropes. Spot probably wasn't planned, since the ref, Krueger, and Larry Zbyszko have to help get him loose. Right after he's loose, Jackhammer, Mike Heftel, and Stump run down to the ring to...uh, make the save? But of course, Bigelow's already taken care of both guys, so no help is needed. Either that or someone missed their cue. I'm looking at you, Jackhammer. Guy's nothing but a total waste of space.

Krueger actually WAS there for no reason in particular. And once again, no respect for Jackhammer.

{/internet smark mode}


This segment was written by Alex, the newest Idiot.

There he sits, one of the most beloved drinks in professional wrestling: a bottle of Cherry 7-UP. Actually, it is truly not a fact because it's not a drink after all, it's just the bottle that stores the drink, and it's also quite beloved, as well. So, in reality, the first sentence of this document should not even be part of it, for it is incorrect and thereby disqualified for use.

Some idiot in a pink-body suit and a squirrel tail somehow shoved up his rear end stands with a microphone in hand, giving a smile that may cause most to think "OMG That Guy's a freaking moron and doesn't belong on television".

Alex created this character after randomly finding a picture of a guy in a pink bodysuit with some kind of tail attached to it.

"Hello everyone, I'm Pinky the Squirrel: Head…err… interview conductor for the fWEo. Speaking of which, I like nuts. If you have any nuts, I'd love to store them in my mouth for you. But regardless of all of that, how are you doing today, bottle of Cherry 7-UP?"

A bottle of Cherry 7-UP says nothing. After all, it's just a bottle. It's not like it can just jump up and do the Macarena anytime it wants, because A) It doesn't want anything, due to the fact that it's not a living object, and B), see A.

"Strong words, my friend. Strong words indeed. What did he do to you anyway? Steal your nuts?"

Amazingly, the bottle of Cherry 7-UP STILL can't say anything. How surprising.

"Must suck to be you. I don't know what I'd do if someone did that to me."

"..."

"True, true. Very true. Amazingly true. So true, that in fact there's no way on Earth that this could not be true, for it's truthfulness is brought out quickly: like a boil… or a cancerous, puss covered breast with lumps all over it, waiting to be violated by your sexual bottle cap. Correct?"

"..."

"No?"

"..."

"No?"

"..."

"Well what a rude brute you are, sir! I'd kick your ass, but you don't have one. Because you're a FREAKING BOTTLE!!! Yeah, killed you."

"..."

"Yes I did!"

"..."

"Dude, I so did."

"..."

"Yes I DID, you stupid a-hole."

And Pinky walks off, but not before telling a nearby child, who happened to be the cameraman, that he loves nuts.

"Mmmm, bite-bite.", was the cameraman's response.


We (yeah, right) head back to the ring for the next bout, as the Gypsy Kings cover of "Hotel California" brings out Waru & La Parka, accompanied by Mr. T, who's proudly wearing the Million Dollar Belt around his waist. Parka shimmies to the ring like he normally does, not letting the fact that he's facing Mr. T for the Million Dollar Belt at SummerHiptoss get in the way of their friendship. Meanwhile, Waru got lost right after he entered the gym, walking right into a window. He was now trying to open the window, thinking it was one of the ropes. What a moron. Anyway, he continued to try to open the window, as "Groove Is In The Heart" played, bringing out the nWo Elite...Mongo and the current reigning Undisputed Wominternopean North Dakotan Janitorjobberweight Champion, Kevin Greene. Mongo walked Greene to the ring on a leash, and tied him to the ringpost. If anyone was watching, they'd be like "Hey, how's Mongo gonna tag Greene in?", but no one is, so no one's gonna ask that. And if they do ask, I'd be like "With his hand, dummy.", and they'd be like "Oh...I get it. That was lame.", and I'd be like "Whateva! Ah do what ah want!" Now for the match...

You can just tell I watched that episode of South Park right before I wrote this.

La Parka goes for a collar-and-elbow tieup, being a highly-respected ring technician and all, but he forgets that he's in there with *Mongo*. Mongo botches the tieup, and Parka immediately turns to his corner for the tag, but his partner is nowhere to be found.

Oh, wait, there he is. He's about halfway up the rope now. That's actually quite an accomplishment, since it usually takes the gym teacher screaming at the top of their lungs at you to get you halfway up the rope. Add this to the fact that Waru can't see a damn thing and you have quite the special individual on your hands. Oh, yeah, the ring...

Seriously, wasn't climbing the rope in gym class when you were in elementary school an absolute NIGHTMARE?

I didn't get it. The whole thing with copying the tape, and then her boyfriend died and all...okay, so the girl climbing out of the TV was pretty cool, and the part where the girl was found in the closet was kinda creepy in that "Holy crap, she's GREEN!" kind of way, but that's about it. Anyway, back to the match...

Obviously referencing the *movie*, "The Ring".

La Parka has no idea what the hell's going on. Mr. T's trying to shout words of encouragement to him, but Parka can't understand him.

"Poke him in the eyes and kick him in the nether region!", T shouted.

Parka was still confused. He thought that maybe T was just distracting him, allowing Mongo to hit him from behind with his Haliburton briefcase and secure the victory, but then he remembered that T's his friend, and he'd never do no harm to him. He then thought that maybe T was telling him to *duck*, as Mongo was coming at him with his Haliburton. He decided to just turn around and see what Mongo was doing. He was outside the ring, holding a bag of milkbones, tempting Greene with them.

"How does Mongo like it with the ladies, bay-ba?"

"RUFF!"

"No, no, bay-ba, that's the wrong answer, now."

"GRRRR....with pancake syrup! Pleasure to be here!"

Okay, THAT is the most original thing I ever had Greene say.

"Good boy, bay-ba, yeah!"

Mongo tossed Greene a milkbone as the ref called for the bell. Yes, unbeknownst to, well, EVERYONE, he started counting once Mongo left the ring, and his count had reached ten, so Mongo was counted out. Yup, simple as that. Don't see many matches ending in a count-out these days, do you? Okay, maybe you do in the fWEo, but that's because we're old-school, bay-ba, yeah!


Comey's Note: This is known as Warrior's Weekly News. It's written BY Warrior, for all the little warriors.

You read me right. It's written BY the Warrior. Run. Now. Unless you're Ike. Then stay and enjoy, you sorry bastard.

The Ultimate Warrior's voice came over the loud speaker, which really WAS an actual loudspeaker this week, since they've taken over an elementary school.

"The time has come for all of those in the news to be identified and contemplated, the likes of which have never been contemplated before. For it is time for the ULLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLTIMATE WARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRIOR'S WEEKLY NEWS!"

Ugh. The Warrior showed up on the screen, sitting behind a desk. He was wearing a tie that was made out of his arm streamers. Oddly enough, so was his "suit". He gleamed into the camera, and, well...began, unfortunately.

"The top story this week is Martha Stewart going to jail. Her trickery and deceitful ways have disappointed the Warriors around the world, for she and Bobby Heenan have tried to playafastone on the little warriors. But, in the end, when she's comes before the eyes of the ULLLLLLLLLLLLLTIMATE WARRIOR, and when his eyes glare at her, and make her feel somewhat uncomfortable, and wish she were somewhere else, perhaps at the grocery store, or maybe fishing, she will FEEL the pain she's caused on her viewers!"

"So," said the producer, George Hamilton, "you're saying her viewers would rather be fishing?"

The Ultimate Warrior looked into the camera, his nostrils flaring. He calmed down after about...oh, according to my watch, seven minutes...and began.

"In other news, the rolling blackouts in California has upset the little warriors, who have asked the ULLLLLLLLLTIMATE WARRRRRRRIOR why the rolling blackouts have been going on, and preventing them from watching their Teletubbies, and their Martha Stewart, who has gone to jail. Her alliance with Bobby Heenan and Hercules have brought her down from the inside, leaving her an empty shell of an avid Childcraft reader..."

"Wait!" yelled Hamilton. "You just did the Martha Stewart story!"

"In other news," the Warrior continued, "the Arizona Diamondbacks won an improbable World's Series, destroying the heinous Yankees of the New York, in a series that would define the true meaning of the word 'champion', in addition to the meaning of the word 'obtuse'; for the Warrior did not know the meaning of the word 'obtuse', and when the little warriors told him to open the WEBSTER'S OF DOOM, the Warrior did...and found words that ran together in such gibberish that made the Warrior realize that there was someone...evil...behind this, and so the Warrior looked behind the desk, and he found the Genius, who laugh maniacally and yelled towards the moon, "YOU SHALL RULE OVER THE DUMB, YOU IMPOTENT!" But you see, when you have the power of the Warrior, you have the power..."

He stared rather blankly for a moment. Then...

"AND I THRASHED THE GENIUS DOWN, AND SHOVED HIS POETRY UP HIS POOPER...and then I said to the Genius, "You have the power of the rectal ranger."

The Warrior stood, foaming at the mouth. Hamilton did what he knew:

He threw Virgil out onto the stage.

"You chicken son of a bitch, I'm only 15 years old! I smoke my blunts all day, and make sweet love to the ladies all the live long day! What you think about THAT, homeslice?!"

Hamilton slapped his head. Meanwhile, the Warrior cocked his head towards Virgil.

"Shut your gob," was all he said.

"My gob?! Shit, foo, I be gobbin all over your hunny like she was somethin you gob over. What the hell is a gob, anyway? You talkin like a moon pie? You know, that big fuckin Oreo that is only an Oreo in form, and tastes like it came out yo ass?"

The Warrior...slowly...

...reached...

...for....

...his...

...streamer...

...tie...

...and...

"YOU SHALL NOT RUIN THE NAME OF THE GOB IN THE EYES OF THE WARRIOR!"

You can kind of guess what happened. If you can't, I'll give you two options:

1) He choked Virgil out with his streamer tie

2) He made a moon pie out of Virgil, and Virgil will have a rainbow of poop for the next two weeks.

Pick whichever you find funnier. I couldn't care less, because both are feasible. Meanwhile, the Warrior stomped off, and Virgil...well, he wasn't in good shape.


This review is done in the exact style the Pro Wrestling Torch website would review, say, a match on Raw.

I'll let some guy from the Torch cover this one...

(3)"Hacksaw" Jim Duggan beat Janitor Nine by disqualification to retain the WCW Television Title. The finish came when Ken War ran into the ring and collided with Duggan. The only thing left of Ken War was a skeleton, so Nine was disqualified for stealing a model skeleton from the science room and bringing it into the ring for use as weapon.

Heat Index: There wasn't ANYTHING even remotely good about this match, except for the part where they cut away from it after the match was over.

JOB Failure: Where do I start? I hope we don't get a rematch here, they should be spending more time hyping the Duggan-bottle of Cherry 7-UP feud if we're supposed to take the bottle of Cherry 7-UP seriously as a contender for the TV Title. The Nine-Ken War feud has potential, but they're feuding over a commentary position for Christ's sake.

Kayfabe Factor: Ken War disintegrated into nothing but a skeleton. How did they do it?


"I agree. They had no business at all in that ring.", Texas Kid told Sphere.

"Hmm...it's a very little known fact, but I HATE the STUMP Squad. And if they want to get involved in the business of other people, especially my hand-picked curtain jerkers, Renegade and Hans Krueger, then what better way to settle this nonsense with a match at SummerHiptoss?"

Okay, NOW Krueger's earlier run-in makes sense. Sphere sent him out there to jump Bigelow, the guy who Sphere is currently feuding with. Yeah...no one ever accused Sphere of being smart.

"Hmm...I'd suggest a game of Twister myself, but then again, I'm not the one in charge."

"And that's why I like having you around, Scott."

"Texas Kid."

"Right. Scott."

TK just shrugs as Sphere tells him about his idea.

"Alright, we're gonna have Mike Heftel, Jackhammer, and Stump face the team of Renegade, Hans Krueger, and....hmm...."

Sphere was having trouble thinking of a partner for Renegade and Krueger, until he spotted the bottle of Surge on the end of his desk.

"Hmm...what's that? You'll come out of retirement for SummerHiptoss? Splendid!"

Apparently, a bottle of Surge will join Renegade and Krueger in that six-man tag.

"And there's also the matter of filling out the other seven slots for Mall Brawl. I've got another hat, a different hat, since the last one tried to assassinate me, and in it are the names of several stars from the Action! promotion."

"I love the Action! promotion! They have fights in pits, and they're real and stuff!"

"Haha, yes...I do hope people got that. Anyway...let's see who the first Action! star to be entered into Mall Brawl is...."

What Sphere hopes people will "get" is that TK is confusing Action! with The Asylum.

Sphere reaches into the LA Clippers cap and pulls out a piece of paper.

I think I was going for the joke about how the Clippers have always sucked. Or at least that's how it was back then. I'm not exactly a basketball fan.

"Russa!"

TK was confused. "Russa? He's gonna be at SummerHiptoss? I don't know about you, but *I'm* not giving birth to a hand."

TK confuses Russa with Vince Russo, who once came up with an angle where elderly Mae Young gave birth to a rubber hand.

"Me neither. Time to pick the second name.", Sphere said as he reached into the cap again. "We've got...Lactose The Intolerant! What a clever name."

"Hey, aren't those two guys a tag team?"

"I believe they are. What a strange coincidence."

Russa and Lactose The Intolerant are known as the Legion of Dairy 2K3. They'd eventually make their way to the fWo and feud with the original Legion of Dairy.

"Very strange."

"So now we have eight spots filled, plus a mystery spot. That leaves five more spots, and..."

"Howdy, Sphere." James Cagle, star of the promotion in which shall not be mentioned, said as he entered Sphere's "office". "Ah'll be yer huckleberry."

"You? What are YOU...", Sphere started to say before his cell phone rang. "Hold on.", he told Cagle, before he answered the phone. "Hello? Oh, hi...yeah. I wasn't there because I had to do this today, I needed yesterday to make the trip...oh? Um...well...yeah, this is my company, I figured...oh, well...that sucks. Okay...yeah, I'll be there on Thursday. I'll see you then. Huh? Yeah...but there's some other people here. You still want me to say that? Okay...you're my master, I worship the ground you walk on, I kiss your feet at every opportunity. Yes...bye."

Sphere had become a lackey to Jade in the fWo, and that was her calling him, demanding to know where he was.

Sphere hung up the phone and looked up at TK and Cagle.

"Wah-chh!", TK said while making the "whip" motion.

"Heh. Heh. Yer more whipped than a red headed step-child bein' whipped by his step-father on Easter after takin' a shit in his step-father's mouth," Cagle mentioned.

"Stop it! Come on, why are you here?", Sphere asked Cagle. "Besides the fact that I signed you to a fWEo contract a few days ago. I still don't know what I was thinking."

"I believe you wanted the redneck demographic to see you as God.", TK told Sphere.

"That sounds about right. Alright, now what can I do for you?"

"Well, ah was strollin' alawng backstage here when ah said, 'Hey, wait a dag-gum tootin' minute!! Ah wanna be in Mall Brawl.' So ah came here, to you. So, ah reckon what ah'm sayin is, well...ah reckon you can do fer me... wait, see... ah reckon you can do fer-- aww, dag-nabbit..."

TK spoke up. "I think he's trying to say he wants to be in Mall Brawl."

TK likely understands Cagle since he's got that Texas Pride, even though he's from Connecticut.

"Yes. Yes, you can. It'll keep you away from me on that night.", Sphere told Cagle.

"Awww, shoot. Ah don't...", Cagle started to say before a portal appeared right next to him. No one knew what was going on, and out jumped Janitor Seven. Sphere rolled his eyes and spoke to him.

"Let me guess...you want to be in Mall Brawl, too?"

Seven was as confused as anyone else, and just shrugged. "Sure."

"Good."

Seven turned around and jumped back into the portal. The portal disappeared, allowing Cagle to finish.

Yes, Seven just randomly showed up for an unrelated reason that was never explained, then ended up accepting Sphere's invitation to compete in Mall Brawl and just left right afterwards.

"...like you much either." Cagle began to walk off before he turned to Sphere, smiled a yellow, rotten toothed smile and made a "whipping" motion with his arm. Then, and only then, did he walk off.

Before Sphere could insult Cagle behind his back, his cell phone rang again. "Hello? Yes...yes...yes...yes, you are, most definitely, a goddess. Okay...bye." Sphere hung up the phone.

"Girl trouble?", TK asked.

"Speaking of girl trouble...", Sphere said, completely ignoring TK's question, "I've gotten you a valet."

"Really?"

"Yes. It's a woman who has years of experience in the squared circle...a woman who, in my opinion, is easy on the eyes, but not-so-easy on the ears...a woman who will guide you to...I don't know...some title. We have plenty here."

"Who is it?"

"AAAAAHHHHHH!", screamed Eliza, a former jobber slayer (or maybe she still is, who knows), right after sneaking up behind TK.

"Scott, meet Eliza. Eliza...Scott."

TK turned around and stood up to shake Eliza's hand. "Um, hello. My name's actually Texas Kid."

"AAAAAAHHHH! I'm Eliza, and we're gonna have SO much fun!"

Sphere grinned from his seat. "I bet you will."

I'm guessing Sphere decided to let TK have Eliza because she screams way too damn much. Either that or he didn't want David Flair's sloppy seconds.


Molly, handler of Jade, helped me with this match.

Alright, it's two chicks, you don't care about what happened during their entrances. We'll just say that Barry Bladberth accompanied his fiancee', Evil-Lyn to the ring. Bladberth's a nice guy, though, so it should be a fair contest. Some of you are probably wishing that Claire and Nitro Girl Siren were out here, because that'd double the number of females and increase the chances of your dreams coming true, but, well, they're not here. Oh, and this is Sister Payne's in-ring debut for the fWEo, for those who care about that kind of thing (i.e. ABSOLUTELY NO ONE).

Cow moos, and the match is underway. Surely if school hadn't already let out, a bunch of 12 and 13 year old boys would be piling into the gymnasium right this moment.

The women go for a collar-and-elbow lockup (I know, what the hell?), but Evil-Lyn accidentally punches Payne right in the shoulder, botching the opening spot. Payne attempts to cover up the mishap by placing Evil-Lyn in a headlock, but Evil-Lyn's footing is off, and one of her hands is in between her head and Payne's arm. That's a big no-no. Payne tries to work with what she has, attempting a headlock takeover, but Evil-Lyn trips and falls on her side. For those wondering, yes Evil-Lyn *did* have a somewhat acceptable match with Nitro Girl Siren at Royal Battle, but the wedding plans must have screwed up her workrate. Payne shakes her head and grabs Evil-Lyn for an Irish whip once she gets to her feet, and she sends her off the ropes. Payne ducks down, and Evil-Lyn blows a sunset flip, falling to the side when she attempts the "flip" part. Payne looks at Evil-Lyn as she gets to her feet and her body language appears to say "Screw this", as she rears back and just SLAPS Evil-Lyn across the face.

Evil-Lyn was never known for being someone who knew how to actually wrestle. I make sure to point out in the match itself that her excellent performance at Royal Battle must've been a fluke.

Evil-Lyn now knows what to do, as she simply slaps Payne back. Payne grabs her face, and the momentum from the slap causes her to spin around, and Evil-Lyn rakes her fingernails across Payne's back. Well, she TRIES to, anyway. See, Payne's wearing one of those generic indy woman wrestler tops, so Evil-Lyn's fingernails get caught on the wardrobe, causing her to pull back before her fingernails are destroyed. Payne turns around with a look on her face that says "How DARE you?", before she makes the "bring it on" motion. The two women charge and collide, throwing their arms around one another shortly before hitting the mat.

CATFIGHT! CATFIIIIIIGHT!

Nothing much of note happens, as it's not like they're, you know, fighting while this is going on. After a little while, they decide maybe they SHOULD make it look like they hate each other, and what else says "I hate you, bitch!", then trying to tear another woman's clothes off? But there's a problem. Spandex doesn't rip that easily. Since Payne's on top and she's managed to get one arm free, she figures now is the time to, well, punch Evil-Lyn right in the face, but right when she throws her arm back, the ref gets knocked out. Hey, can't blame him for wanting to get that close to the action. Also, this marks the first time one girl is laying on top of another in this gym. It's not a *high school* gym, remember. "We were just messing around" my ass. Everyone saw you holding hands on the bus. Payne realizes her mistake and is caught off guard, as Evil-Lyn seizes the opportunity by...well, making them roll to the outside. They continue to roll, until they crash into a pommel horse. Yes, a pommel horse. Neither woman was aware that elementary schools have pommel horses in their gymnasium, but here it was. Evil-Lyn decided to take a break, and well, "mount" the pommel horse. See, she's tired, and after a long day of work, you just feel like sitting down. Of course, the match has only gone about three minutes, so it hasn't really been a long day of work for her, but hey, she's MOUNTING the pommel horse. It's perverted, and that's the way guys like it. And some women, apparently.

The rant about the high school girls was nothing I personally experienced...it's pretty much just a shot at the teenage girls who pretend to be bi just so guys will notice them. And I was legit unaware that some elementary school gyms had a pommel horse in them. Molly claimed her's did and suggested the spot where Evil-Lyn mounted it, so there you go.

Payne grabs Evil-Lyn by the hair and pulls her off the pommel horse, as she tries to drag her back to the ring. If you want mud to fall from the ceiling here, then you're reading the wrong match. Okay, you're reading the right match, but there's time constraints. Payne throws Evil-Lyn back into the ring and climbs in just as the ref wakes up, but before she could finish Evil-Lyn off, Evil Smokey The Bear and Ted E. Ruxpin appear at the gym's entranceway with a large posterboard that's covered by a huge black cloth. What, you were expecting it to be a huge *white* cloth? Anyway, Evil Smokey and his manager taunt Payne from the entranceway. "What are they saying?", you ask? Let's find out.

"Yo, bitch! Me and ma boy Ted E. gots a surprise for you!", Evil Smokey shouted.

"Oh, we done get you good, ho! We got a NUDE picture of you, right HERE!", Ted E. proclaimed, pointing up to the posterboard Evil Smokey was carrying. Back in the ring, Payne looked on in confusion, and seconds later, Ted. E jumped up and yanked off the cloth, revealing....

"Ah said NUDE pic, sucka!", an angry Ted E. said to his charge. "Dis be a NEW pic!"

Right after "revealing", we originally had a new pic of Sister Payne, hence Ruxpin's reaction.

"Tigga, please.", Evil Smokey said, waving off his manager before walking to the back. Ted E. hung his head low and followed, as Payne was still confused back in the ring. Evil-Lyn finally did something right, as she snuck up from behind and rolled up Payne. Bladberth, still at ringside, nodded at the position his fiancee' was in as the ref counted to three. Evil-Lyn jumped up and down, rejoicing over her victory, and she jumped into Bladberth's arms right when she exited the ring. The couple left the ringside area while Payne wondered why the Underweartaker didn't do his run-in.

The cameraman walks out of the gym and into the first room he sees, where he spots Underweartaker in nothing but a towel, playing Oregon Trail on a computer.

If you're at least 22 years old right now, then you definitely played Oregon Trail when you were in elementary school.


"Haha, tho I said 'Jutht becauth I'm jewith... and homothexual, doethn't mean you can have your way with me! Oooooooh no! I'm not tho eaithily manipulated!' Tho then we ran off and had monkey thtyle thex all night, all day, and all night." Gershwin Kosher, a wrestler who has just graduated from the fWEo Power Plant, said. To no one in particular, at that.

Kosher was another one of Alex's characters. I had completely forgotten he was a gay character before reading this. It should be noted that he's the only person to ever graduate from this supposed fWEo Power Plant.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, New Jack walked up.

"Oh my! Hellloooooooooooooooooooooo New Jack!" Gershwin said, giddier than a school girl.

"Ahem, excuse me... My name is not New Jack. I have been, and forever will be: Bob "The Jail-House Rocker" McGee. Yes, that's right. When I'm not wailing on my awesome guitar, or kicking some jew's ass, or walking down the road, or kicking some homosexual's ass, I wrestle here in fWEo. Got a problem with it, ugly -boy!?!"

McGee, another Alex creation, was pretty much a New Jack clone, apart from the way he spoke. He was originally James Cagle's assistant in the fWo. Wow, the "every wrestler gets an assisant" angle. That was pretty bad. Anyone who did use an assistant didn't use them for long, while others decided to have their wrestler beat up their assistant just to show how much of a "badass" they were. Yeah. That worked.

"Well.... I'm jewith, and homothexual!"

"What!?! WHAT!?! That's it. I'm kicking your ass."

"Bring it."

"YOU bring it."

"Bring it."

"YOU bring it."

"Bring it."

"YOU bring it, MEANIEHEAD!"

"....You just did not."

"I just did."

"......"

"....."

"I challenge you."

"No, I challenge YOU!"

"Fine!"

"No, you fine!"

"Oh, thank you."

And we have another match for SummerHiptoss.


Finally....main event time. Yes, it's been a long day here at the SummerHiptoss Craptacular, but...well, come to think of it, it's been just as long as pretty much every other fWEo show. Ignore that.

The sounds of Ace of Base filled the gymnasium, as a song that rose to the top of the charts back in '94 played. C'mon, you know you remember Ace of Base and their hit single "Don't Turn Around". You don't? Ask your sister if she does.

She doesn't?

You're both friggin' liars.

Anyway, that song happens to be Texas Kid's theme, so out he walks, with Eliza by his side. The fact that a girl is walking to the ring with him gives him that little extra boost of confidence, so instead of climbing into the ring between the ropes, he walks up the steps and enters the squared circle. See, when he first started his pro wrestling career, he always had trouble walking up the steps. He'd trip, slip on the sweat of the other wrestlers, miss the bottom step completely and twist his ankle...you know, that kind of stuff.

"Fly Like An Eagle", a song used in a commercial for UPS, brought out TK's partner, a bona-fide fWEo legend...Senor Funpants. Funpants calmly got into the ring, and waited for his opponents, although he did glance at Eliza's ass every once in a while.

The main reason Comey wanted that song to be Funpants' entrance theme was because it was being used in a UPS commercial at the time. True story.

"We're Not Gonna Take It" hit, bringing out the Sphere Heavyweight Champion, Black Quicksilver, and the 1-2-3 Kid, who make up one-third of the STUMP Squad. Yes, the STUMP Squad. You may have heard about them three years ago. You may have also forgotten about them three years ago.

BQ and TK are going to start this one out, as Kid and Funpants step out on the apron. Funpants has to tell Kid he has to stand on the apron on the OTHER side of the ring, not right next to him. He slaps Kid upside the head, and Kid hops off the apron, then walks over to his team's side of the ring. Meanwhile, back in the ring, BQ and TK circle each other, go for a collar-and-elbow lockup, but TK fakes him out and drops down to his knees, grabbing BQ's stomach.

"What the HELL?", BQ asks.

"I'm going for an abdominal stretch."

"Zuh?"

"Like, you know....I'm trying to stretch your abs."

Gotta give him credit for trying.

"I have abs?"

"You moron!", Funpants shouts from the apron. "That's not how you do an abdominal stretch!"

"Yeah!", Kid shouts. "Even *I* know how to do an abominable stretch! Heh, loser."

BQ shrugs and hits TK in the chin with a high knee. TK gets to his feet and grabs his chin while he turns around from the impact. He turns back around and walks right into a hiptoss from BQ. He gets up and receives another hiptoss. He gets up again and gets dropkicked out of the ring. Damn, BQ is such a technical marvel. Funpants hopped off the apron and grabbed TK to throw him back in the ring, but TK threw his arms in the air and made his body go limp...you know, like the average two year-old does whenever you try to pick them up and they don't want you to.

"I don't WANNA!", TK cried out.

"Get in the ring, you little bitch!", Funpants shouted.

Almost on cue, Eliza climbed up to the top rope and jumped off, going for a hurricanrana on BQ.

"Wait, you're not Claire.", BQ said, before simply stepping out of the way, causing Eliza to land on the very ass that Funpants was staring at earlier. Eliza rolled out of the ring, right in front of Funpants and TK, who had been watching her the whole time.

"What was that all about?", Funpants asked her.

"You gave me an order! AAAAAAHHHHHHH!"

Funpants and TK recoiled after hearing Eliza's screams.

"Okay, first, never scream in front of me again.", Funpants said, pointing at her. "Second...you're not with me...I don't need a chick to get over. You're with this freak."

"Yeah! Listen to this freak!", TK shouted.

"Shut up.", Funpants told his tag partner for this match.

"Noted.", TK said to Funpants, as he whipped out a pen and notepad to take notes. Funpants knocked the pen and notepad out of his hand.

TK finally got ahold of a pen.

"Get back in there!", he yelled.

TK reluctantly climbed back into the ring, where he was immediately hit with the SuperQuick-SilverKick. As he fell back toward the ropes, Funpants tagged himself in, rolling his eyes as he did so. Funpants stepped into the ring as TK's head bounced off the bottom rope in a sick manner. Kid couldn't help but laugh at his nemesis as he stood on the apron.

"Heh...yeah, that's pretty funny.", BQ said to Kid.

"Yeah! His head hit the rope! Four times! Hahaha...hey! What are you doing standing right next to me? I thought you were in the ring!"

"I was. I just tagged you in."

"Huh?"

Before BQ could answer Kid's somewhat rhetoric question, Funpants brought him in the hard way.

That means he flipped him into the ring by his hair, not "he leaned over the ropes and did a headstand while trying to pull Kid into the ring by his ankle". Funpants pulled Kid up to his feet by his hair, and sent him into the ropes, nailing him with a big boot to the face on his way back. He picked Kid up again and kicked him right in the gut, causing him to double over. Funpants bounced off the ropes and took Kid down with a swinging neckbreaker, which only got him a two-count before BQ slingshot himself into the ring and nailed him with a legdrop to the back of the head. Surely this would have gotten a huge pop if there were actually people in the crowd, and the match was running about fifteen minutes in length, instead of....I don't know, four?

BQ quickly retreated back to the apron, where he reached out and tagged Kid on the back, allowing him to come into the ring legally. See how that actually MADE SENSE? BQ fired away at Funpants with several right hands, before whipping him into the ropes and attempting a roundhouse kick, but Funpants ducked and grabbed BQ from behind. Funpants went for a German suplex, but BQ landed on his feet, spun Funpants around, kicked him in the gut, and planted him with the Alpo, which got him a two-count. BQ picked Funpants up and attempted to whip him into the ropes again, but Funpants held onto BQ's wrist, pulled BQ in, lifted him up, and drove him down with a shoulderbreaker for two. Funpants decided it was time for some good old double-teaming, so he went to tag TK, but discovered that he was STILL unconscious in the ring, with his head on the bottom rope. Funpants figured he'd have to do this himself, and didn't want TK getting in his way, so he picked up his own tag partner and casually threw him out of the ring. While this happened, BQ had gotten up, and he did one of those neat little turn in mid-air rollups on Funpants for two. Both men got to their feet, Funpants missed a clothesline, and ended up turning around right into a Cubic Zirconium Cutter. BQ quickly executed the Silver Star Press and covered Funpants, but he kicked out after two.

BQ stomped on Funpants a couple times, and then went up to the top rope, where he'd try and hit the Cherry Bomb. He leapt off and JUST missed, as Funpants rolled out of the way just in time. Funpants got up and pulled BQ to his feet, signaling that this was "it". Before he could lift BQ for Dockers sponsors Senor Funpants' finisher...Nice Pants, Kid sprung up to the top rope and jumped off, nailing Funpants with a spin wheel kick, knocking him to the floor. BQ was still a bit woozy, but hey, he knew now was the time for a suicidal dive to the outside. He bounced off the far ropes and jumped toward Funpants, totally clearing the top rope, and he hit.

Not Funpants.

The wall.

Yes, since it was a elementary school gym, one of the walls was dangerously close to the ring. BQ was lucky to find THAT one out.

Yeah, never did say it was a BIG gym.

Kid was all alone in the ring, and strangely, TK and Eliza were nowhere to be found. Well, at first, anyway. They were up on one of the hanging light fixtures in the gym, and TK was laughing maniacally.

"You aren't gonna have those young boyish looks once I drop this one ton anvil on you! Hahahahahaha!", TK said, right before he dropped a small black object from the light fixture. He realized something a little too late. "Oh CRAP! That was the one OUNCE anvil! You're supposed to keep me from being TOTALLY stupid!", he said to Eliza.

"AAAAAAHHHHHH! Can you take off that mask?"

"Great."

TK apparently figures out that Eliza isn't that smart, hence she won't help cancel out his stupidity.

Back in the ring, the one ounce anvil hit Kid in the head, knocking him out cold. This surprised TK.

"Well I'll be damned. Hurry, let's get back down there!", he told Eliza. Thirty seconds later, they were back down at ringside. Please don't ask how they got back down there. TK pulled BQ up to his feet and rolled him into the ring, and then got into the ring and rolled Kid out onto the apron. He grabbed BQ's wrist and made him tag Kid. He pulled Kid into the ring by his feet, and kicked BQ out onto the apron. While all this happened, Funpants had climbed back in the ring, and once TK saw this, he took his place on the apron, reached into the ring, tagged Funpants on the back, and quickly covered Kid for the win.

Quite the convulted finish, ay?

Yup, after ALL that, we get THAT as the finish, and thus, the end of the show.
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