WR4I (wer4idiots) wrote,
WR4I
wer4idiots

Saturday Afternoon's Curtain Jerker -- 05/31/03

Saturday Afternoon's Curtain Jerker opened in Sphere's office, where, HOLY CRAP, Sphere is actually THERE, sitting at his desk! Yes, Sphere's back in the fWEo after taking the last two shows off to deal with two seperate concussions. Texas Kid, who had been running the fWEo in his absence, was in the office with him, sitting at the other side of the desk. Naturally, a bottle of Surge was off to the side, perhaps doing some filing.

"Well, Scott...", Sphere began, before TK interrupted him.

"Kid. Texas Kid."

"Right. Well, Hart...I can't believe it....you actually did a good job as my substitute. Have a cookie.", Sphere says, as he picks the bowl of cookies up off his desk and holds it in front of TK.

"Whoa, really?"

"Really."

TK reaches for a cookie, but is cut off by Sphere.

"Uh uh...not the peanut butter ones. Those are for me. And Siren. If she ever shows up. And sits down. And can't escape."

"Oh.", TK says in understanding, as he takes a chocolate chip cookie.

"See, one would think that I'd be mad at you for allowing Mall Brawl IV to take place at SummerHiptoss, but hey, whoever's involved in that match...I don't have to deal with them that night! They'll be in some mall somewhere, away from me! That also gives me an excuse to ban all sports-entertainment crap from today's show. That means Angel and anyone involved in Mall Brawl has today off, including Janitor Nine and Ken War, since both of them desperately want to call that match."

BORT: While it was established last show that Sphere only let Texas Kid run two shows in a row because he had a concussion when making those decisions, it turns out that he was genuinely happy with how TK ran things last time. The only thing of note that happened was the announcement of Mall Brawl, which, like Sphere says, will take place in a setting far away from where he'll be on the night of SummerHiptoss.

"Wait...are you sure you wanna do that? I mean, Waru's one of our biggest draws."

"Oh, I'm aware of that. You see...today...I'm going for our worst rating EVER. Without guys like Waru and Ken War, this show will bomb just as much as a Jim Dudley title reign!"

"Who's Jim Dudley?"

"I don't know, some guy. I heard he's better than us."

"Who'd you hear that from?"

"Him."

"Ah."

Jim Dudley, first fWo World Champion....you know what, if you don't know who he is, you'll know come the SummerHiptoss main event.

"Anyway...Angel won't be here either, so....wait. Angel...Mall Brawl...that gives me an idea! There's fourteen spots in that match, and two of them have already been filled, by Waru and Kevin Greene...well, I now proclaim that the third spot be filled by Angel. The fourth....hmm, I'll see what that Sarah chick is up to. I'm sure those two will just love running into each other again. We need a mystery entrant, so that's five. Now to pick two more, just so we can say that the match is half full."

Yup, GOTTA have a mystery entrant.

"How are we gonna do that?"

Sphere reaches down and picks up a sombrero. "With this, of course."

"A sombrero?"

"Yup. It doubles as a Swiss army knife. But today, it's filled with a bunch of pieces of paper. On each piece is the name of an IWO competitor. I'm going to pick two names out of this hat, and whichever two I pick, bickity BAM, they're in Mall Brawl."

I don't remember whose idea it was to have a sombrero double as a Swiss army knife. Doesn't sound like something I'd do.

"That's genius."

"Yes I am. Now...the first name...", Sphere says, reaching into the sombrero..."Schitzo Tod!"

TK shrugs and applauds as Sphere reaches in to get the second name.

"And the second name....GODDAMMIT!"

"What? Someone you don't like?"

"No! I cut my finger on the knife! Second name is Mad Max."

"Oh...yeah...Mad Mike. I love his work."

I had NO idea who either of these guys were when I was told they'd be in the match, as I didn't follow much when it came to e-wrestling outside of the feds I was in.

"Well, six out of fourteen spots have been filled, and then there's that mystery spot, which, of course, I don't have anyone in mind for. I'll play it by ear."

"Sweet. So, what's up for today's show?"

"Oh, it's sure to get a lower rating than frickin' Raw, for Christ's sake."

"How about anything VH1 does?"

"There ya go. Anyway, we've got Mike Heftel & Jackhammer going up against Mr. T & La Parka. See, that's a pay-per-view caliber match right there, so we're sure to lose every single internet mark when that match starts, if they didn't tune it out five seconds ago when I announced it. We've also got the rematch that absolutely NO ONE wanted to see, as "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan will defend the Television Title against the Renegade."

I can't remember if there was any reason in particular that Sphere was aiming for a horrible, horrible show. The line about losing all the internet marks comes from those little bitches always complaining when a "big" match is "given away" on free TV, no matter how it's booked or what the finish is or anything.

TK shudders in fear.

"As for the main event...well, let's just say that Funpants will finish this guy off in negative time. Yes, negative time. It's possible, trust me, I would know. I'm Sphere."

"Yes you are!"

"Oh, and because you did a good job as my substitute, I'll allow you to carry your own backstage segment today, even though I banned all sports-entertainment junk. In this segment, you will find someone you hate, and challenge them to a match at SummerHiptoss."

I'm pretty sure the "no sports-entertainment" thing was the kayfabe way of saying "Renner can't write anything for this show, so there's gonna be way less stuff on the show, likely meaning more matches than segments". Having said that, I'll be the only one doing commentary here.

"I will do my best."

"Good. Oh, and before I forget, our next program will be on June 17th...the SummerHiptoss Craptacular special. Spread the word."

"Noted."

"Fantastic. Now, I must be going also, as I have an issue to settle with a certain behemoth..."


Today's town: Truth or Consequences, New Mexico.

SACJ headed to the ring for the opening match, as Hans Krueger was already standing in the squared circle. The Strong Bad Techno Mix started to play, bringing out none other than Stump. Now, one would think that Sphere would keep Stump off the show, since Stump is a sure-fire ratings grabber, but, well, yeah, you're stupid. On with the match...

I think the actual title of Stump's entrance theme is "The System Is Down". Don't quote me on that, though.

Or not, as an incoming promo by the Sphere Tag Team Champions, Reginald VelJohnson & Lawrence Taylor, collectively known as New York Matters, takes up seventy-five percent of the screen, leaving just enough room for everyone to watch Stump give Krueger a backbody-drop.

"Hey, New York Matters is here, and we're still looking for those world-class opponents that'll meet us at SummerHiptoss.", VelJohnson proclaimed.

"Yeah! No matta who they are, LT and VJ gonna spike they's heads in the end zone! Hoo-wee!", LT says, before he and VelJohnson start to "get down" as they say. The inset goes away, and we zoom in on the match just in time for Stump to put Krueger in the figure-four Stumplock. Krueger gives up almost immediately, as channels change throughout the world. I mean, country. Eh, whatever.

As seen last show and then hammered over everyone's heads this show, I keep booking obvious squash matches just so an inset promo from New York Matters (see, TOLD you I'd come up with a team name for them) can pop up.


"You!"

Evil Smokey The Bear, who was talking to his manager, Ted E. Ruxpin, turned around to see Sphere standing behind him.

"You lucky I didn't not sit down on yo white ass, cracka."

"Not crackers. *Cookies*. I enjoy peanut butter *cookies*. I have a question for you."

Sphere once again proves he's one of the whitest people alive.

"Then gets ta askin', playa."

"You showed up on that other promotion's show a couple weeks back. I may not have been in the best of shape, but when I got better, I watched the tapes of everything I missed. I'm a student of the game, dammit!"

Evil Smokey took part in an eight-way elimination match on the 05/04/03 Warfare, so that'd be the time that Sphere was suffering from his *first* of two concussions.

"Cut to the chase, playa.", Evil Smokey warned his boss, as his diminuitive manager walked up to Sphere.

"Ah'm sittin hee-uh, tryin' to roll a fattay, and you gone come up in hee-uh all "Ah love watching two dawgs rassle"! What up wit' dat, foo?"

"I don't know what the HELL that giant rabbit just said, but as punishment for you...", Sphere says, pointing at Evil Smokey, "...showing up in that OTHER promotion, I'm forcing you and your hideously deformed bullfrog friend here to face your other friends, Underweartaker and Sister Payne, in a tag match at SummerHiptoss. Now, how do you like DEM apples?"

Sphere goes even further in proving he's one of the whitest people alive by uttering the most famous quote from "Good Will Hunting".

"Cracka, please. Me and Ted E. hate those white bitches."

"Since when?"

"Since that ho kidnapped me, honky!", Ted E. told Sphere.

"I thought she just took the tape."

"Yeah! She took ME, brotha man!"

Sphere didn't know what was going on, and decided to reach into his pocket and take out his whistle. He blew the whistle on this segment, which was definitely NOT sports-entertainment, and SACJ headed to the ring.

Once again, Sphere is clueless. Not only does he think Ruxpin is a giant rabbit, but he thinks it's just a giant rabbit that can talk (and finds nothing wrong with that, probably cause he also employs a giant bear that can talk). What Ruxpin is trying to explain is that he's actually Slick, speaking as the tape he was reincarnated as that can only work in the Ruxpin doll.


"Renegade" brings out Renegade. Yes, no clever jokes about that song bringing out someone else this week. It's Renegade. Yup. Renegade ever-so-slowly runs the ropes, as he doesn't want to fall out of the ring during his pre-match warmup, and "Courtesy of the Red, White, & Blue" hit, signaling the arrival of the current reigning WCW Television Champion, "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan. Duggan had the TV Title around his waist, and as always, was carrying his 2x4 and the American flag. After his usual pre-match shenanigans, Duggan was ready, and this rematch from the April 26th SACJ started with a collar-and-elbow tieup. Yes, that's right, they managed to do one without screwing it up. Renegade shoves Duggan away and beats his chest.

Duggan's new theme, "Courtesy of the Red, White, & Blue" is that Toby Keith song from a few years back. You know, the one where he talks about putting a boot in Saddam's ass cause it's the American way? And as if one match between these two wasn't enough, I actually did a mini-feud out of it and had a rematch here.

"HOOOOO! That's gimmick infringement, tough GUY!", Duggan shouted at Renegade before flailing his arms around in a comical fashion and cupping his hand to his ear, expecting a reaction from the nonexistant crowd. But nonexistant crowds don't give reactions, so he decided to just start clapping as he stomped around the ring, and Renegade came after him. Duggan blocks a left, then a right, spins Renegade around, and lifts him off the mat a whole INCH, in order to give him an atomic drop. Renegade holds his ass in pain and stumbles over into the corner, where Duggan follows him in. Duggan climbs up to the second turnbuckle and goes for the old "ten punches in the corner", but blows up after two and a half. Renegade seizes the opportunity and brings Duggan off the turnbuckle with an inverted atomic drop, damn near shattering his own knee in the process. Duggan goes crashing down to the mat, and Renegade limps over to him, dropping an elbow for a two-count. After this two-count, the referee starts to laugh at Renegade.

It's kind of a trademark of mine to note that whenever someone's flailing their arms around, it's in a "comical fashion".

"What the hell is YOUR problem?"

"An elbowdrop? C'mon. You really thought you were gonna win with that? Should've at least did one off the top rope."

Renegade ignores the ref and picks Duggan up off the mat, before taking him to the corner and ramming his head into the top turnbuckle. Duggan now starts to walk around the ring in circles, shouting "HOOOOOO!" the whole time, and Renegade's tired of this, so he starts punching Duggan in the head, but they don't seem to faze him. "Sell, moron!", Renegade yells at Duggan. Duggan still isn't cooperating, so Renegade tells the ref to look out into the crowd. The ref, being a moron, looks out into the crowd, as Renegade goes for the 2x4. He walks over to the corner, bends down to pick it up, looks back at the ref just to make sure he's still not paying attention, and then back to the 2x4, but...it's not there. Renegade is VERY confused, so he turns around to find Duggan holding the 2x4. Duggan brings the 2x4 down across Renegade's head, and gets rid of the evidence right before the ref turns around. Three seconds later, and good ol' "Hacksaw" is still champ.

But because we all must suffer, he grabs a microphone.

"You know, "Hacksaw" wants a TOUGH guy at SummerHiptoss...not like this guy who ain't no tough GUY that "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan whooped today! So I'm issuing an open challenge for this title, at SummerHiptoss!"

"Same Old Song" (that song in the Pepsi Blue commercial) brings out a bottle of Cherry 7-UP. The bottle can't talk, but I think it's pretty obvious as to what takes place here.

Yes, a bottle of soda just stepped forward and claimed a pay-per-view title shot.


"Hey! Hey you!", Texas Kid shouted, as he walked down the hallway.

1-2-3 Kid turned around.

"Me?"

"Yeah." TK shoved Kid. "Got a PENCIL?"

"Yeah. Here you go."

That was a Simpsons reference. It was the episode that Mel Gibson was on. After watching a screening of Mel's "Mr. Smith Goes To Washington" remake, Homer hates it and wants to further elaborate on the opinion cards given to everyone in the audience. Homer, after dissing Mel in person, asks him for a pencil in an angry manner, and even thanks him after he gets the pencil, still angry.

Kid hands TK a pencil, who immediately attempts to snap it in half, but he can't do it. Instead, the pencil rubs too hard against that little thing of skin in between his thumb and index finger on his left hand. Shortly after this very detailed mishap, TK yelps out in pain. Yup, he actually shouted out "YELP!" This caused him great embarassment, as Kid laughed at him. Yes, the *1-2-3 Kid* LAUGHED at someone else. TK now decided it was time to cover up his blunder.

"Alright...time to think of another reason for him to get all mad at me...hey...you like earthworms?"

"Sure do."

"Oh you don't, huh?"

"I said I do like them."

"Oh. Well just throw my whole gameplan off then."

"Okay. When?"

"Huh?"

Kid shrugged.

"Shut up!", TK yelled at him. "So...you like earthworms...but my...uh...my...yeah! My badass sewer armadilloes would triumph over your earthworms ANY day!"

"Of course they would. Earthworms aren't accustomed to living on dry land and are much, much smaller than an armadillo."

"I said *sewer* armadilloes, dammit!"

"Well, I can't say I know the difference between a regular armadillo and a sewer armadillo, but I still stand firm in my belief that an earthworm would get totally slaughtered in a fight with an armadillo."

"SEWER ARMADILLO!", TK shouted at the top of his lungs, before he picked up the pencil and threw it at Kid. The eraser end bounced off Kid's forehead and then the point of it hit TK right in the eye.

This is a parody of the Jake Roberts-Bad News Brown feud that ended at Summerslam '90. Bad News hated snakes, and he threatened to have his Harlem sewer rat, uh...eat Damien? But since this is the fWEo, the rat and snake have been replaced by an armadillo and earthworm.

"Alright, that's it!", TK proclaimed, as he covered his right eye and pointed at Kid. "I'll see YOU at SummerHiptoss! With at least one eye, that is."

"The pencil?", Kid asked.

"No! You!"

"Oh. Sucks for...well, everyone watching."

"Better believe it does, you little...turd?"

"Works for me."

"Good."

For those wondering, yes, that WAS a sports-entertainment segment, but Sphere gave Texas Kid permission to have one earlier in the show. See, you should be paying attention. Now, since everyone's been waiting, it's time for another match!


We're treated to the sounds of "Hotel California", as performed by the Gypsy Kings, as the team of Mr. T & La Parka enter the ring. Parka shimmies as if to say "We stole your theme, Los Latin, boo-yah!".

Los Latin was an fWo wrestler back in the early days. I don't think he lasted that long.

The Luchadores theme is replaced by The Ataris' cover of the Don Henley classic, "Boys of Summer", and out walk the team of Mike Heftel & Jackhammer. For those keeping score, this is Jackhammer's new entrance theme. The two members of the STUMP Squad enter the ring and immediately shake hands with T and Parka.

"Hello, Parka. It's been a while.", said Jackhammer.

*Shimmy*

"How long has it been since we faced each other anyway?", Heftel asked no one in particular.

"Well, I did some research and found out that...", T started to say before Parka interrupted him.

*Shimmy*

"Ah. I'm not sure, either.", Jackhammer remarked.

"While we have had many classic encounters...", T started to say before he was interrupted again.

"You know, we've had many classic encounters.", Heftel said to the group.

*Shimmy*

"Yes, I, too, am wondering why Sphere would have this match on free television.", Jackhammer said, apparently agreeing with La Parka. Before anyone else could wonder why they're here, "Fever For The Flava" blared over the PA system (a NEW stereo this week, thanks to Ted E. Ruxpin's shoplifting abilities), and the Underweartaker crawled out from underneath the ring, and entered the squared circle. "What's he wearing this week?", you ask?

A toga!

He runs up to the four wrestlers and dances a little, but before anyone can shout "SPORTS-ENTERTAINMENT!", he hands Mr. T a note. La Parka swipes it right away, knowing full well that it will be useless if T reads the note. La Parka shimmies in mild confusion after skimming through the note, so he gives it to Heftel.

"Hmm. It's in cursive. I'm not even gonna TRY this one. You take it, Kev.", Heftel says, handing the note to Jackhammer.

"The following is a dancing telegram, from Sphere and performed by the Underweartaker.", Jackhammer reads, before looking up at Underweartaker. "So that's why you're here.", Jackhammer says to him. Underweartaker nods as he dances, and Jackhammer continues reading the note. "But since it's impossible to understand a dance that's supposed to represent words..."

*Shimmy*

La Parka obviously disagrees.

"...you'll have to get someone to read this aloud. Jackhammer, you very tall waste of space, I'm assuming you're the one who's going to end up reading this to everyone else. Yeah. Asshole. Anyway, I have to punish La Parka, due to the fact that he showed up alongside Black Quicksilver, one of my arch-enemies and someone you may have heard of, on one of the shows broadcast by that....other promotion this past week."

If Sphere had no intention of having Underweartaker relay the message via dancing, you have to question why he sent him out there with the note in the first place and not, say, the bottle of Surge, since it's his assistant. Oh well. Guess I had to get SOME mileage out of Underweartaker's new gimmick. And Sphere is referring to the 05/26/03 RUAHH~!, where La Parka randomly showed up in a backstage segment with WTF~! (BQ & Jon Crisp) and the World Peace Organization (Ric Chronos & Flying Frenchie), juggling eggs with BQ while Crisp argued with the WPO.

*WorryShimmy*

"But he's also a close, personal friend of mine, so I've come up with a way to punish *and* reward him at the same time. I'm adding a match to the SummerHiptoss card, and that match will see La Parka take on Mr. T..."

*ConfusedShimmy*

"I would comment on this situation, but I'm afraid it would be rather insignificant.", T said, as Jackhammer finished his sentence.

"...for the Million Dollar Belt."

*Shimmy*

"This message will SELF destruct."

If you've never seen an episode of "Inspector Gadget", you won't get that joke. You're also REALLY REALLY young.

Everybody waits, and nothing happens, so Jackhammer crumbles up the paper and eats it. Sister Payne enters the ring and sneaks up behind Underweartaker, holding a chloroform-soaked rag. At least I *think* it's choloroform. It might just be Mountain Dew. If it *is* Mountain Dew, then Underweartaker must be allergic to it or something, because Sister Payne jumps on his back and smothers him with the rag, causing him to pass out. Everyone in the ring has a good chuckle, and we head backstage.


Sphere sat quietly in his office drawing a picture of himself cutting off Black Quicksilver's head with a sword, when a whole bunch of people entered the room. Barry Bladberth, Evil-Lyn, Claire, Nitro Girl Siren, and Razor Ramon, to be exact.

"What the...? There's a camera in here? No, NO!", Sphere yelled as he waved his hands in the air. It was too late, however, as Bladberth began to speak.

"Sphere, I can't help but notice you're trying to get rid of a fly, but we have something important to ask you."

Sphere folded his hands and placed them on his desk. "Well, unless you're here to tell me that these three girls want to compete in a four-way Let's Get Naked match with your's truly at SummerHiptoss, with you and Chico here serving as their pimps, I'm not interested."

The three women all looked at each other. You know the look. The "he's a sleazebag but let's pretend to not mind" look. Bladberth didn't know how to react, and Razor...well, Razor was drunk. Bladberth continued.

"Well, it DOES have to do with SummerHiptoss. See, Evil-Lyn and me are engaged..."

"Wait, engaged?"

"Yes."

"You're engaged to which one again?"

"Her.", Bladberth said, pointing to Evil-Lyn, who then showed off her ring."

"Oh. Whew."

Sphere's not-so-subtle way of letting everyone know that he thinks Evil-Lyn is the least hottest of the three women standing before him. But he'd still do her.

"Anyway...we were wondering if we could have our wedding at SummerHiptoss."

"SummerHiptoss? LIVE on pay-per-view, from the Spectrum in Philadelphia on August 25th?"

"Yeah."

"Hmm...well, if you two are the ones getting married, why are THEY here?"

Claire stepped forward. "Well, I'm the Maid of Honor, and Siren's gonna be a bridesmaid."

"Yes, and Mr. Ramon will serve as my Best Man.", Bladberth added.

"I feel so sorry for you. Fine. Just...just get out of my office. I can't believe I was able to maintain my composure during this conversation. It is, after all....SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT! NOW GET OUT! OUT! ALL OF YOU!"

All five were taken aback by Sphere's behaviour, even Razor. He was so surprised that he was now wide awake and didn't have the feeling of a hangover at all. Everyone went to leave Sphere's office, and with Siren being the last one to walk out the door, Sphere called out to her, and she turned around.

"You know...I could use a...different form of...entertainment...", Sphere said to Siren rather provocatively, while...um...doing that thing where you keep raising both your eyebrows really fast. Wiggling? Fluttering? Eh. Naturally, Siren rebuffed this offer by giving Sphere the finger, and walked away.

"I wish you would.", Sphere said to himself, before he put his hands behind his head and his feet up on the desk. The Cameraman started to go elsewhere, but quickly turned back around when he heard Sphere's chair creak rather loudly, and sure enough, right when the camera went on Sphere, he fell over backwards.

Hey, the show's almost over!


This match was written by Comey. In the show thread that was posted for the last SACJ on...whatever message board was up at the time...Comey declared that he would select someone who replied in the thread to face AND beat Funpants on the next show. He ended up picking Grover, the handler of Donaven Winters in the fWo. I actually used a picture of Grover from Sesame Street for the match's heading.

Senor Funpants walked out to canned boos. He had a rather gimmicky smirk on his face...the kind that John Tenta used to have when he'd crush Hulk Hogan. You know, when I was 11, I actually thought Earthquake had a shot against Hogan. Can you believe that?

Anyway, Funpants is in the ring. Here's what he's saying.

"You know...all you guys in the back...Barry Bladbeth, Mike Heftel, Evil Smokey...the idiot, um...whatshisname...oh, what am I saying, they're all idiots...you all said I couldn't take all of you out. Well, I did...no matter that it was off camera, I STILL DID IT! So, I'm out here to proclaim my greatness. There's not ONE PERSON IN THE ENTIRE WORLD!...that can defeat ME!...the SENOR FUNPANTS!

Just then, the entire back exploded. Funpants looked on in fear.

And a mish-mash of every Nine Inch Nails song you've ever heard began to play. To be honest, this mish-mash sounded like shit. But, it IS Nine Inch Nails, after all. It's not like it's the Brian Seltzer Orchestra or whatever the hell it's called. Anyway, Funpants didn't like what he was hearing.

A chant started. Nobody was sure where it came from...but it was there.

"Golllllllllllllllllldberg.....Gooooooooooooooollllllllldberg............Gooooooooooooolllllllllllldberg.........."

Wait, that wasn't it.

"Groooooooooooooover.........Grooooooooooooooooooover..........."

Oh God. It was HIM.

Justin Grover stood atop the entrance ramp, staring a hole through Funpants. Funpants took a step back, as Grover strolled towards the ring. Grover hopped onto the apron, climbed into the ring, and walked right up to Funpants. Funpants responded by hopping out of the ring. Grover climbed onto the second turnbuckle, and pointed down at Funpants, yelling "WHOO!" The crowd, consisting of...oh, whatever...they had a good time watching Funpants tremble.

Finally, he climbed into the ring...and the ref looked for foreign objects. Then, he felt for bombs. Then, for chalk. Then, for some Potato Skins (he was hungry, damn you). He found nothing. So, he let the match begin.

The two men walked up towards one another. Funpants, 6'5", stared down at Grover, 5'10" or whatever he is. He's shorter, that's all you need to know. Funpants breathed down on him, and then did the worst thing he could have done.

He *pushed* him.

Grover fell back a step, then pulled out a finger. He waved it in front of Funpants, who took a step back and looked around. He couldn't believe that Grover didn't fall for the push, and here he was...Muppeting up. So, Funpants pushed him *again*.

And, again...Grover waved his finger, and Funpants looked in awe. Then, Grover hauled off, and he lashed into Funpants. Funpants fell backwards, right on his ass. Grover stood above him, looking down. Funpants backed up...but it was too late.

Grover pulled him up by the hair, and whipped him into the ropes...and pulled off one of the worst clotheslines in the world. Doesn't matter; Funpants sold it like he was Curt Fucking Hennig bumping for...well, a face John Tenta. Hennig couldn't be a face unless...he was. You see? Do you? I don't think you do. Oh, screw you.

Anyway, Funpants got up, gasping for air. Grover walked up, and kicked him...rather hard...in the junk. He was aiming for his sternum, or so he'll go on to say afterwards. Truth is, he ran up to Funpants and punted him in the taint. Funpants' face went a bright red, then towards some blue and purplish overtones...then some green, amazingly. I should note that, during this time, Black Quicksilver was trying to stuff Funpants' face with a hot dog, if only because HE didn't like them himself ("I hate hot dogs," BQ would say after this match). And Bam Bam Bigelow was trying to put some cherry coke in his mouth at the same time. Only, he missed, and ended up turning Funpants into the first person--on camera--to be ear-fed some cherry coke.

Grover, sensing that the time was near, picked Funpants up...for the MOUTH AGAPE OF DOOM~! You had to see a picture of this kid...well, one of 3849384093fj3890 pictures of him...you'd think he was constantly flashing back to Vietnam, the way he projects his constant screaming. He looks like he saw a picture of Katie waking up, and it got embedded into his brain.

Anyway, Funpants saw the MOUTH AGAPE OF DOOM~!...and he began to cry.

"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, MAKE IT STOP!" he yelled at the ref. The ref, who couldn't look directly at Grover with his jaw unhinged, stopped the match immediately.

"Wait!" Grover said.

"What?" said the ref.

"Damn, this is a boring conversation."

"It is. What do you want?"

"I have to pin him!"

"Oh. Ok."

"This is still really boring. Is it me?" Grover asked.

"Yes," said the ref. "Yes it is."

Grover rolled Funpants over, and put a foot on him.

One.

Two.

Three.

Justin Grover, resident of MAINE...beat one of the premier stars of the fWEo.

Yeah...that's about expected.

Under "Winner", it said "Grover via inactive pinfall", so I'd assume even though he was still hanging around, he wasn't contributing anything to any fWo shows at this time. That is, if he was even still *in* fWo at the time. If not, maybe the "inactive" thing meant I heard he was flaking out in another fed. Whichever.
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