Saturday Afternoon's Curtain Jerker opens in...go ahead, guess.
Actually, we won't, cause if you don't know where the shows opens by now then you're a MORON. Or...or you're a first-time reader. If you are, then please, stay. We beg you. Oh, and tell your friends.
Anyway, we're in Sphere's office.
Well, *we* aren't.
But the 1-2-3 Kid, Stump, La Parka, and Texas Kid are.
Sphere leans back in his chair and prepares to ask some of his guests a question.
"Do any of you know WHERE that idiot Bladberth is?"
Everyone looks at each other in confusion.
BORT: Why Sphere thought these four would know where Bladberth is makes no sense.
"Okay, okay, nevermind. Different question...Parka, Scott...how was the camping trip?"
"My name isn't Scott! It's Texas Kid!", screamed TK. "Look, I got a tattoo.", he says as he lifts up his Dallas Cowboys t-shirt.
"Yes. It says "Scott".", Sphere notes.
"No, it says "Not Scott"."
"The fact that you took the time and effort to tell the guy to write "Scott" on your stomach tells me that your name is "Scott". Now, before someone tries to argue with me and lose, I have more important things to discuss. Kid...Stump...", Sphere says, turning to the two STUMP Squad members. "Not even two weeks ago, on Jobbers & Polka Dots Forever, you were thrown into a tag match against the team of Evil Smokey The Bear & Underweartaker. After they won the match, they proceeded to kick each other's asses just because that hot piece of ass with the boobs and long, black hair stole a tape. I mean, come on. A tag team that only teams ONCE and then FEUDS with each other? I'll have none of that here. Now, you two have been a tag team for a while...not a very successful one, but a tag team, nonetheless. Because of this, I'll reward your courage by giving you a chance to compete on the biggest stage of them all...WrestleActionZone."
Upon hearing this news, a very surprised look comes over Kid's face. "Ya hear that, Stump? We're goin' to WrestleActionZone! I can't wait to tell my mom!"
Before Stump could tell Kid who *he* is going to give a call, Sphere interrupts. "Yes, yes, before you wet the bed, let me tell you who you'll be facing. You'll be facing none other than the men in the room with you right now. La Parka and Texas Kid."
Kid turns to La Parka, who offers his hand. Kid goes to shake it, and gets a slight jolt. Parka starts chuckling as he holds out his palm, revealing a novelty hand-buzzer. Sphere is also chuckling.
"Oh, Parka. I never tire of your antics. By the way...Parka, since you're my favorite person in here...would you happen to know who stole Bigelow's Hanes? It's okay, you can rat out the person who did it."
"No? No idea at all?"
"Eh, I trust you enough to believe you're telling the truth. Stump?"
"Oh, well Happy St. Patrick's Day to you, as well. Too bad you're two days early."
"It is? Hmph. Anyway...I'd ask you two...", Sphere says while pointing at Kid and TK, "...but I have reason to believe that you're incapable of doing something as simple as stealing a pair of underwear."
"Why's that?", TK asks.
"Well, I know for a fact that you go commando eighty-five percent of the time. I don't know WHY you do, or even why I KNOW that. Also, for the few times where you do wear underwear....let's just say that Bigelow isn't missing a pair of Hanes with armadillos all over them. And Kid...you haven't even graduated to Pull-Ups yet, so I won't waste my time with you."
"Yeah! Haha...alright!", Kid says as he high-fives Stump, right when Sphere looks at a piece of paper on his desk.
"Ah, and on another note...Parka and Scott? You'll be in the main event today. Your opponents?" An evil grin creeps across Sphere's face.
"Black Quicksilver and Senor Funpants."
This would be the perfect time for SACJ to head somewhere else, to the ring, perhaps, but...
"Um...does that mean I'm in the main event?", TK asks.
"Your name is "Scott", right?"
"Then it looks like you're not in the main event."
"Oh, I see what you're doing. You're gonna say your name IS Scott, just so you can be in the main event. You can't fool me. That's known as the "rationality principle". Sociology 101 that bitch, DOWN, Scott."
And with that, SACJ headed to the ring...
Virgil walked into the arena, carrying a bucket of chicken. This was surely common. After all, he's using a physical device to make the people at home identify him with, well, chicken. Do you get the point?
Of course not. He's Virgil.
He's also not the Million Dollar Champion anymore. That makes him ANGRY!
So anyway, someone's following him to the ring. No, it's not Rowdy Roddy Piper.
Rather, it's Ike Chapman.
Ike Chapman. You read it right. You mean you don't know who Ike Chapman is? Well, neither do I. So we're in the same boat. Let's point and laugh at him together, shall we?
BORT: This show is from Tel Aviv, Israel, which is where Ike Chapman hails from. I'm pretty sure this was his first appearance, and the fact that he debuted in Tel Aviv is what led us to giving him the "hometown boy from Tel Aviv" gimmick. Oh, and this was written by Comey.
*laughing carries on at this Ike character*
Ok, that's done. Anyway, Virgil's got this chicken in the ring, you see? And he's got this bucket full of chicken, too. He looked at Ike, and began to speak.
"Chicken, you know why I brought you here, chicken!"
"I know why!" Ike rang out.
"Sure! You want me to sing!"
"Well, eat, THEN sing. I mean, duh."
He was tossed a microphone that Larry Zbyszko won on eBay. Bob Barker used it on a 1982 episode of The Price is Right. Then, he began to sing.
"LOOK INTO MY EYES, YOU WILL SEE
WHAT YOU MEAN TO ME
SEARCH YOUR HEART, SEARCH YOUR SOUL
AND WHEN YOU FIND ME THERE YOU'LL SEARCH NO MORE
DON'T TELL ME! IT'S NOT WORTH TRYING FOR
YOU CAN'T TELL ME! IT'S NOT WORTH DYING FOR
YOU KNOW IT'S TRUE
EVERYTHING I DO, I DO IT FOR YOU..."
Virgil's eyes widened. A tear shed down his cheek.
The chicken got a bit less warm. Ike continued.
"THERE'S NO LOVE, LIKE YOUR LOVE
AND NO OTHER, COULD GIVE MORE LOVE
THERE'S NOWHERE, UNLESS YOU'RE THERE
ALL THE TIME, ALL THE WAY
DON'T TELL ME! IT'S NOT WORTH TRYING FOR
I CAN'T HELP IT! THERE'S NOTHING I WANT MORE
I WOULD FIGHT FOR YOU, I'D LIE FOR YOU
WALK THE WIRE FOR YOU, YEAH I'D DIE FOR YOU
YOU KNOW IT'S TRUE
EVERYTHING I DO... I DO IT FOR YOU..."
"Everything I Do" by Bryan Adams, one of the most awesomest solo artists EVER.
"Aw, heck chicken," Virgil said through a wobbly voice. "You ain't a chicken...you a pretty canary."
Then Ike continued.
"WELL CAN'T YOU SEE ME STANDING HERE
I GOT MY BACK AGAINST THE RECORD MACHINE
I AIN'T THE WORST THAT YOU'VE SEEN
OH CAN'T YOU SEE WHAT I MEAN?!?!?
MIGHT AS WELL JUMP! JUMP!
GO AHEAD AND JUMP!
MIGHT AS WELL JUMP! JUMP!
GO AHEAD AND JUMP! JUMP!"
"WTFMR~!" Virgil said, getting the last F wrong. He took the bucket of chicken and dumped it on Ike's head.
Virgil is visibly pissed that Ike jumped from Joan Jett's "I Love Rock-N-Roll" to Van Halen's "Jump".
"Ugh, people are morons comey," he said in a daze. Virgil's eyes glowered with fire.
"You called me comey, you egg-layin muthachicka?" Virgil said, as he tried to punch a hole through the bucket of chicken, which was wrapped around Ike's head. "You wanna do some cockfightin, chicken?"
"I don't enjoy penis jokes, thank you."
"You gonna DIE, bitch!" Virgil began such a flurry of offense, nobody was sure what to make of it. That's to say it was indescribable, and for the sake of my sanity, I won't bother to describe it. However, at the end of his sunset-flip/moonsault/banana split/Macarena clothesline, he stumbled into something that surprised the heck out of everyone.
He put Ike into a chicken wing.
"OW! FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS WHOLESOME, MAKE IT STOP! AH!"
Virgil had no idea what he was doing. He also didn't know what was coming down the aisle. You don't know either, because I haven't told you.
Anyway, the San Diego Chicken ran to the ring...well, sort of lobbed to the ring. Virgil dropped Ike, who we will now assume is dead and gone, and proceeded to the side of the ring that the San Diego Chicken was now trying to splunge himself into.
While he did this, there was much mumbling and grumbling, presumably from his mask being on. It was one sound, and sort of long. Virgil had enough of this mockery, so he tore his...chicken head...right off.
The San Diego Headless Chicken stood up, and was now facing Virgil. Instead, he wasn't the San Diego Headless Chicken. Rather, he was the Yellow Dog in the San Diego Chicken's outfit.
FYI: If you don't know who the Yellow Dog is, consider yourself lucky.
Yellow Dog was Brian Pillman under a mask, as he lost a loser-leaves-WCW match to Barry Windham but returned as the Yellow Dog. I only know this and no other details because that's the basic gist I got from it, having not watched WCW at the time.
So, Virgil's looking at the Yellow Dog.
"HMMMMMMMMMMMMM!" the Dog muffled.
"Chicken, don't you HMM me!" And Virgil ripped his mask off to expose...
Ok, this brings up an interesting dilemma. You see, Mexican wrestling holds a high regard on the mask. If a Mexican wrestler were to take off his mask, he'd be forever shunned in his country. It's one of the most serious and most upheld respects and traditions in wrestling.
If you had told Virgil that word-for-word, you'd have lost him on the first "Mexican", because he was quick to rip that mask off.
Well, guess who was under it?
"HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" rang out Jim Duggan. Virgil did a doubletake.
"Chicken, did you just call me a farm utensil?"
"That's right, TOUGH guy!"
"Chicken, you gonst pay!"
We'll....leave it at that, and move on.
Once again, we're in Sphere's office, and there's a whole lot of people packed in there.
The team of Beef & El Janito, along with their diminuitive sidekick Steve and his trusty, divine stepladder Oddjob.
The Elite Janitor Squad of Destruction & Cleanliness. Yes, Janitor Nine included.
"Now, all of you fellows have absolutely no idea why I called you in here, correct?", Sphere asked of all the men (and the stepladder) who stood before him.
BORT: Yeah, I actually made it clear that Sphere was addressing an inanimate object in addition to all the living, breathing human beings standing before him.
"You said something about there being sandwiches." Beef said, nodding toward El Janito and Steve, who were also eager for sandwiches. Oddjob just kind of ignored the prospect of sandwiches, being a stepladder.
"I wish I could see the sandwiches." Waru pointed out.
"I wish the sandwiches would talk to me. :-(" Janitor Nine said.
Adam Nowell and Hans Krueger took an uneasy glance at one another, before they both looked at Sphere.
"Zah! Vat zou jou vant?" Krueger asked.
Nowell simply jerked a thumb toward Krueger, "What he said, only in English and understandable, and with a little more cursing on my part."
"I've called you all here today because I have a little problem. You see, I've been busy preparing for my Sphere Heavyweight Title match at WrestleActionZone, *and* searching for Bam Bam Bigelow's missing Hanes. None of you would happen to know what happened to them, do you?"
"Don't look at me. Or Janito, either.", Beef said. "He only likes wearing *women's* underwear."
"RIMSHOT.", Steve added.
"I wear boxers, what would I want with Bigelow's Hanes?" Nowell said, crossing his arms and rolling his eyes.
"Zut. I am much too buzy with mine evil plans to meddle in zour undervear chase." Krueger said, mimicking Nowell's action of crossing his arms and rolling his eyes.
"I know who took them! :-D" Nine said. So, of course, Janitor Nine was completely ignored.
BORT: I'm not sure if we meant for Nine to actually know who took them or if it was just implied that he was desperate for attention at this point.
"I don't even know if I'm *wearing* underwear.", Waru told a nearby window.
Seven steps forward. "It wasn't me. Everyone should know that. They see me put an ice pack on my testicles all the time!"
"You know I meanieheadingly didn't do it. You big meanieheads." Eleven said.
Sphere raises an eyebrow. "That's the best you could come up with, huh, Oneone?"
"Well, I meanie...", Eleven started to say before Sphere cut him off.
"Anyway, I've called everyone in here for a reason. Unfortunately, I won't be able to compete in the Sphere Tag Team Title match at WrestleActionZone. Yes, yes, before everyone else in the match starts crying because they're heartbroken that they won't be able to compete with a legend of my stature, I'm going to name a replacement team. But...I'm stuck on who will be the fourth team. I have two teams in mind...one is that little guy and his mentally-retarted friend."
"Uh, we're already IN the match." Janitor Seven said.
"50 points to Seven!", Sphere said, pointing to Janitor Seven. "But, yes, anyway...the two teams up for consideration are Steve & Oddjob, and...Angel & Hans Krueger."
Nowell blinked, "Me? Team up with him!?"
BORT: Nowell doesn't even complain about being referred to as "Angel".
"Yes, I absolutely love the interaction between you two.", Sphere told Nowell.
"I've spoken to him like ONCE since he GOT here!" Nowell complained.
"So, yeah, whichever team out of the two I just mentioned takes out...those guys...", Sphere said, pointing to Beef, El Janito, Waru, Seven, Nine, and Eleven, "...they will get the fourth sp..", Sphere managed to get out before Steve clotheslined Janitor Seven and Janitor Eleven in the nuts. Then Oddjob was thrown at Janito, knocking him down while Steve took down Beef and performed the Kosack Dance on his nuts.
BORT: We *could* have had a match between Steve/Oddjob-Nowell/Krueger, but I think everyone's in agreement that a midget attacking his friends and stomping on their testicles is way funnier.
Meanwhile, Nowell had shrugged, punched Krueger in the head, knocking him down, and walked out of the room.
Waru, hearing many loud noises, decided it was best to hide, so he hid under a dying potted plant.
Nine was spared because neither Steve nor Oddjob bothered to waste their time attacking someone they'd never seen before.
Suddenly, Reginald VelJohnson & Lawrence Taylor enter the office, in the middle of their daily jog. They continue running in place as VelJohnson throws a nod to Sphere.
"Yo, Sphere! Me and my good, close, personal friend LT have run into a problem. We were out for our daily jog, and now we just can't stop runnin'! Any advice?"
Now, you may be asking yourself..."What's up with those sound effects?". Well, I'll TELL you what's up with those sound effects.
See, the "whack" symbolized Steve clotheslining both VelJohnson and LT in the nuts. Now, a midget clotheslining the star of a late 80's-early 90's sitcom, as well as one of the greatest football players to have ever lived, right in the nutsack, both at the same time, mind you, is truly a moment of hilarity, BUT...it's even more hilarious because this happened right after VelJohnson asked Sphere if he knew of a way to help him stop running place. Got it? Good, we'll move onto the "thumps" now.
The first "thump" was LT hitting the floor, while the second "thump" was VelJohnson hitting the floor. VelJohnson weighs a bit more than LT, so it took him a little while extra to fall to the floor. They fell onto the floor because they just got clotheslined in the nuts. Wouldn't YOU fall to the floor if someone half your size clotheslined you in the nuts? Sure you would. Now, back to the action.
Steve picks up Oddjob and surveys the damage around him, as Sphere applauds, pausing for a few seconds between claps. "Congratulations, you two just got my spot. Make me proud. As for you, Evil German Guy...", Sphere said as he leaned forward in his seat, looking down at Krueger. "You and your tag partner will STILL appear at WrestleActionZone in the Sphere Tag Team Title match. It is of my opinion, which means it is the truth...that a big, dumb ape such as Jackhammer will be unable to rightfully judge everyone's participation in that match. This is why you and Angel will ALSO be judges. Thoughts? Comments?"
"Vere iz my minions to give me zee head-ouchie medicine?"
And with that, SACJ went back to the ring.
*Ahem* "Oh dear lord. I clear my throat and suddenly, I'm in Tel-Aviv?"
For those viewers unaware of who in the hell was just speaking and can't tell because he has a mask on his face, well, the answer is simple. This is the Masked Announcer from the low-budget federation, Brawlers On a Budget, known lovingly to its marks (all 5 of them) as BOB. Masked Announcer held a microphone as he stood in the middle of the ring.
"Alrighy then. Introducing first. Coming to the ring now, accompanied by Styles, Little Good, Xamfir, Jeannie and Kay Fabe. And who is that person?"
Sarah looked at her sister and tried to remember her name. "It's been too long since she's been in the mix, I forget." She shrugged.
"SARAH THE JOBBER," Masked Announcer finished.
"My name is…" the sister began to say, but oddly, she forgot her own name as well. "That's it, where's the nearest computer? I've got to research my name."
Suddenly a booming voice came from the empty crowd. "Laptops. GET YOUR LAPTOPS HERE!" Yes, a vendor was selling laptops. "One grand. Only ONE GRAND."
"Where do you suppose I could get a thousand dollars?"
Knock, knock, knock. A doctor poked his head through a door. "I say, dear boy, I appear to be quite lost."
As the Shaggy gang beat the crap out of the doctor and stole his wallet, Eliza "The Jobber Slayer" walked out. But Masked Announcer was too busy hitting the doctor with his microphone to announce her presence. And she came out to Finch'hin del vino. Even though that wasn't her music. But as the camera pulled back, it suddenly caught a view of Adam Nowell. He was the source of the classical music. Once satisfied with the overwhelming volume, he sat back in a chair, wearing sunglasses and began reading a newspaper.
Everyone looked at Eliza now. Even Sarah had forgotten about her.
"Oh, hey there," Sarah said. "You ready to, um, you know, do this thingee here?"
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Eliza screamed.
Styles got up on the apron. "Right then. All you have to do is beat her. Good luck." Styles got off the apron.
"Let me down much? You could've given me some brass knuckles or something."
Eliza charged at Sarah, who, in trying to get out of the way, tripped over her own feet.
From somewhere else in the arena, a loud "BWAHAHAHAHA" overwhelmed the classical music.
"Come on Sarah!" Xamfir urged her on. "You can beat that black-haired, pasty-faced screamer."
"AHHHHHHHHHHH!" Eliza yelled, grabbing at her skull as the insult wounded her.
"Kay Fabe wants you and ONLY you to Slay her, Sarah."
"AHHHHHHHH!" Eliza screamed again.
"OH MY GOD!" Styles yelled, further wounding Eliza for some reason.
That was when Eliza picked up Sarah and hit a spin kick.
Sarah goes down!
"Man, I wish something would change the momentum of this match, distract Eliza and let Sarah get her Jobber Slaying powers back," Xamfir wished.
"Your wish is my unrealistic twisting of the universe," Jeannie said.
"WHOOOOOOOO!" suddenly sounded from a different part of the arena, followed by the tunes of "Alzo Spracht Zarathustra" which clashed with the other classical music, resulting in utter crap. And speaking of which, here comes David Flair.
"Go Sarah! WHOOOOO!" David shouted as his cheeks began to reach new heights of redness.
"AHHHHHHHHHHH!" Eliza shouted in David's general direction, giving Sarah her only opening of the match.
School girl roll-up.
One. Two. Three!
As Sarah stood up, and the words echoed from her mouth, she knew her Jobber Slaying powers were back inside of her.
"I guess you failed in school, Eliza. But if they ever make screaming a basic course, you'll get all A's."
Then there was a very loud curse word screamed from somewhere else in the arena as somebody realized Sarah had her powers back. But it was drowned out by an--
Eliza rolled out of the ring, no doubt bent on hurting her Commentator, David Flair, but it seems as though Adam Nowell was already chasing him away with a rubber stake.
In the ring, Eliza looked back to see the Shaggy Gang in a group hug, smiling and singing and laughing and hands on each asses. And she missed that already.
"en th nemae ov th mare, ey weel keel u!!111 hardkorr!!11" came the war cry of Ken War, aka, Mr. Treat. That's when Eliza pulled out a pointy stick popular in the Chinese food realm for keeping beef teriyaki on it. She had that in her possession because of her pre-match Chinese food eating, or something. Anyway, she threw it at Mr. Treat and it blinded him and then pierced his brain, killing him instantly.
"My name is Dusk!" Sarah's sister finally had the answer for. The mystery is solved and everyone can go home happy. Except for Dusk. "Man, that’s a stupid name. I'm going to ask for a rewrite. Call me Michelle!"
SACJ heads to...well, we don't know WHERE it is, but it's a dark room. Three people are visible, as well as three podiums. Jackhammer is standing at the main podium, dressed up in a three-piece suit. The other two podiums are a few feet in front of him, one to his left, which Mr. T is standing at, and one to his right, where Mike Heftel is standing at. Jackhammer starts to speak.
"Hello, for all of you who've forgotten, which is, well, ALL of you...I'm Jackhammer. I'm here today to serve as the moderator to what will no doubt go down in the record books as the greatest debate in the history of the fWEo. I say this because it's the first-ever debate in the history of the fWEo. See, I'm NOT exaggerating. The participants in this debate...to my left...an icon of the 1980's, which many historians call the greatest decade in the history of the world...he's a television star, a recording artist, and from what middle-aged black women tell me, a tiger in the sack...ladies and gentlemen, please welcome...Mr. T."
"Thank you for having me. It is absolutely wonderful to be here.", Mr. T tells Jackhammer.
"You know, usually the guest says it's great to be here, or thanks me for having them. You know, something along those lines. That's some bad pre-debate etiquette there, T. I'm going to deduct two points from your score."
"But this debate has yet to begin."
"To my right...he is the biggest loser in the history of professional wrestling, in more ways than one, yet he is also one of my best friends. He's a chef, a poet, and one damn fine shuffleboard player, please welcome...Mike Heftel."
BORT: I don't believe any of those three things about Heftel had been mentioned before this segment.
"Hey, uh, it's great to be here. I, uh, wanna thank my lady Marge, and uh...we did it! Whoo!", Heftel shouts.
"Five points for that reference. Michael leads this debate, five to negative two. First topic of discussion...when David Lee Roth left Van Halen, whose side did you take...Roth or Van Halen...and why? Michael, since you're in the lead, you may go first."
Jackhammer gives Heftel five points for quoting "The Simpsons". Wouldn't YOU?
"That's an easy one, Kev. Diamond Dave ALL THE WAY! Must be par...this must be just like living in paradise! And I don't wanna go ho-ome!", Heftel sings.
"Terrific answer. Five points for singing that song. T? Your thoughts."
Heftel was singing David Lee Roth's "Just Like Paradise", one of my favorite songs when I was younger and first started watching MTV. I took Roth's side in the Van Halen split, because, as no older than five at the time, I didn't know any better and had no idea why David Lee Roth did some videos by himself and others with some other guys named "Van Halen". So basically I didn't really know who Van Halen was....although I do prefer Van Hagar to Van Halen. Oh, and I got this original argument from the movie "Airheads".
"Well, I am going to have to agree with Michael on this one, although I am more privy to "California Girls" myself."
Jackhammer shakes his head. "I am giving you negative eight points for taking Van Halen's side, but WILL give you two, because, admittedly, they DID have some good songs with Hagar as the frontman. Score is currently...Michael, ten...T, negative eight. Next topic...just how many licks DOES it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop? T, you're trailing, so you go first."
"While many people firmly believe that it takes three licks, I have to disagree with them. See, they think it takes three because of the commercial with the owl. What they fail to realize is that the owl only takes two licks, and then bites the Tootise Pop. I, for one, think it was absolutely unneccessary for him to steal that child's Tootise Pop and eat it right in front of him. As for the number of licks...I say fifty-seven."
It's true. That owl was an ass.
"Michael, that is incorrect. You get negative three points. However, you also receive an additional point, because your response was longer and more well thought-out than T's. T? Surprisingly, you answered correctly with "twenty-one". You get ten and a half points. The total score is currently...Michael, 8...T, 2 and a half. Next topic, gentlemen...paper or plastic?"
"Paper.", answers Heftel.
"Plastic.", T says.
"You are both incorrect. The correct answer is "plastic". Negative ten points for both of you. Total score? Michael, negative two...T, negative seven a half. Next topic...Michael...T. What the hell is Mike Renner smoking? Michael, the floor is yours."
"T, your rebuttal."
"I think it is painfully obvious that Mr. Renner isn't actually smoking anything. He's simply a victim of second-hand smoke from his three cancer-ridden uncles."
"Michael, you're incorrect, but I'll give you a point for saying "crack". T...you get negative one hundered points for answering with "Whitey". The current score is Michael with negative one, and T with negative one hundred seven and a half. Next, and final, topic...Katie is talking to Bort, and she tells him she needs to go to sleep. What does she REALLY mean? T, your thoughts."
I'm pretty sure I was actually talking to Katie over AIM at the time and she legit told me she was going because she had to sleep, and I was probably drawing a blank on the next question, so there we go.
"The answer to this one is quite simple. She isn't really tired...she just can't think of the right way to tell him that she is deeply in love with him. This is quite common among young people, and in this case, it's no different. She needs to tell him how she feels. She can't keep all her feelings bottled up forever."
"The answer to this one is quite simple. She isn't really tired...she just can't think of the right way to tell him that she is deeply in love with him. This is quite common among young people, and in this case, it's no different. She needs to tell him how she feels. She can't keep all her feelings bottled up forever."
"Michael, you get sixteen points for answering the question correctly, and an additional four for the emotion you put into your answer. T...you get negative fifty for coming off as a sick, SICK person. You're lucky I don't smack you for suggesting that she's telling the truth, and she's going to kill Bort one day and eat their babies. Oh, and another negative twenty for thinking they have more than one baby. Everybody knows they've only had one child together. Final score...Michael has nineteen, and T has a pathetic negative one hundred-seventy-seven and a half."
"That is QUITE unfair!", T protests.
"Wait, what's that?", Heftel asks.
"This was a bias debate. You paid him off."
"You want our match for the Million Dollar Belt at WrestleActionZone to be a boxing match?"
"I didn't say that!"
"Lemme tell ya something, mister...mister...uh...T...you're on!"
"But I never challenged you to a boxing match!"
Jackhammer speaks up, bringing the debate to it's conclusion. "Folks, it's been a pleasure to bring you this highly-contested debate. Until next time...I'm still bald. Thank you and good day."
"Who Let The Dogs Out", as performed by the Baha Men, a great band if there ever was one, brings out Kevin Greene, along with his nWo Elite partners, Bam Bam Bigelow and Mongo. The trio headed to the ring, as Bigelow kept an eye out for the culprit who stole his Hanes, making sure that person wouldn't attempt to steal the Scooby-Doo boxers he was currently wearing.
He borrowed the Scooby-Doo boxers from Mr. T.
T told Bigelow to wash them before returning them. For those of you who were unaware, T had a stint as Scrappy-Doo.
BORT: I have no idea where the "Scrappy-Doo" thing comes from. I also don't know why I didn't add a line where it explains how Bigelow didn't understand that T was telling him.
As Bigelow kept an eye out for the thief, Mongo kept an eye out for Ken War. He didn't want the "retard" (his words, not mine) costing the nWo Elite ANOTHER match.
Greene just barked and licked himself.
The three entered the ring and froze once "Papa Don't Preach", by Some Chick Who Isn't Kelly Osbourne started to play. Underweartaker walked out, accompanied by Sister Payne, who was revealed to be the person who stole Ted E. Ruxpin's cassette tape on Jobbers & Polka Dots Forever less than two weeks ago. There's been no explanation on why she stole the tape yet, but, hey, there's still one more SACJ before WrestleActionZone, so calm down. Cow moos and this match is underway.
Greene punches Underweartaker, kicks him, then tries to take him down with a shoulderblock. This doesn't work, so he tries again. The second shoulderblock didn't work either, so he goes for it again, but Underweartaker makes a spirited comeback, punching Greene and kicking him. To cover up the fact that this match absolutely sucks and there's no way it can be saved, we cut to a split screen, with more than half the screen being taken up by a pre-taped Razor Ramon promo.
"Yo...dis en-dubbaya-oh elite thing, mang...Razor ain't in it, chico. Everybody knows...that Razor Ramon? Razor Ramon started the whole en-dubbaya-oh...and took it to where it is...today. So at WrestleActionZone...Mongo...and Kevin Greene? You gonna meet Da Bad Guy...Razor Ramon? And Da Dead Guy...Ken War? You goin' down, chicos." The promo ends with Razor throwing his toothpick at the camera and doing the full-body seizure where he points at himself with his thumbs.
Back to the match, which still sucks...Ken War has crawled out from underneath the ring and seems confused, apparently thinking he was just on an elevator. He tries to get the attention of someone in the ring so he can ask them where the cafeteria is, but somehow manages to trip Greene as he bounces off the ropes. Greene turns around to bark at Ken War, which, of course, allows Underweartaker to give him a chokeslam, ending this abomination of a match. Ken War realizes he's in trouble, so he heads up the ramp as Mongo and Greene give chase, but then he stops, turns around and starts pleading for them not to kill him.
Before Mongo and Greene could decide on whether or not they should rip out his intestines and play jump rope with it, Ted E. Ruxpin makes his triumphant return to the fWEo, running down the ramp and literally jumping THROUGH Ken War's stomach. Mongo and Greene jump out of the way, allowing the small bear to continue on toward the ring. As Ken War slowly looks down at the big hole in his upper body, Evil Smokey The Bear waddles down the ramp and smacks him out of the way. Since it's Ken War, Mongo and Greene determine that he's already dead, and leave the ringside area. Evil Smokey enters the ring and goes right after Underweartaker, as Ted E. goes after Sister Payne at ringside. Ted E., however, forgets that he's about two and a half feet shorter than her, and gets kicked right in the head. Back in the ring, Bigelow jumps in between Evil Smokey and Underweartaker, going after both of them for what they did to him on Jobbers & Polka Dots Forever. While this brawl goes on, Ted E. and Payne attempt to choke each other on the outside, and SACJ heads to the Control Center.
You can tell I wrote this one by myself since Ken War didn't have any dialogue. And Ruxpin casually jumping right through Ken War is one of my favorite sight gags.
"Folks, this is Sean Mooney, in the WrestleActionZone Control Center! WrestleActionZone comes to you live, only on UPN, Sunday, April 13th! The full lineup has been announced, and here are the SPECTACULAR matches that you will witness!
The first Sphere Heavyweight Champion will be determined in a triangle match between Sphere, Black Quicksilver, and Senor Funpants. The rivalry between BQ and the team of Sphere and Funpants is so intense that it has spilled out into other promotions, as well as other diners. Who will walk away the first Sphere Heavyweight Champion? We'll find out on April 13th!
The first Sphere Tag Team Champions will also be crowned, as Mega Job, Janitors Seven & Eleven, Reginald VelJohnson & Lawrence Taylor, and the newly-added team of Steve & Oddjob duke it out in a four-way battle. Because no referee would be able to contain the fury that will be present in this match, Jackhammer, Adam Nowell, and Hans Krueger have all been appointed as judges, and it is they who will decide the winners.
Some guy named Janitor Nine will apparently defend the Undisputed North Dakotan Janitorjobberweight Championship against Waru. Surely Waru will have the crowd on his side in this battle against a relative unknown.
"Hacksaw" Jim Duggan is out for revenge, as he defends the Televison Title against The Man They Call Virgil!
In what will now be a boxing match, Mr. T defends the Million Dollar Belt against Mike "The Crippler" Heftel.
BORT: If there were a fWEo 24/7 channel, that nickname I gave Heftel for just this one segment would've been edited.
The Ultimate Warrior looks to silence the Renegade in what is being dubbed by many as the "Match of the Century".
A bottle of 7-UP will try to prove that the carbonated beverage it contains is better than that of a bottle of Cherry 7-UP. We'll find out when these two monsters collide at WrestleActionZone.
In a match that was just made several minutes ago, the Underweartaker, Bam Bam Bigelow, and Evil Smokey The Bear will collide in a no-holds-barred triple threat match. Evil Smokey will no doubt be looking to go after Underweartaker, whose valet, Sister Payne, stole Ted E. Ruxpin's cassette tape back at Royal Battle. Neither man has any love lost with Bigelow, who's still missing his Hanes, either.
Mongo & Kevin Greene may finally get their chance to rid the fWEo of the man that has been costing them matches as of late, but they'll have to deal with an old friend, as the two nWo Elite members square off against Razor Ramon & Ken War!
Finally, in high-flying tag team action, the 1-2-3 Kid & Stump take on La Parka & Texas Kid!
Plus, Evil-Lyn's special announcement!
All this, and, well, hopefully, much, MUCH more! If you can't be at the Manhattan Center, then join us on UPN for WrestleActionZone!"
"Renegade" blasts over the PA "system", and out runs Renegade, carrying a bottle of Cherry 7-UP. He slides into the ring and bounces off the ropes a couple of times, before noticing that the bottle of Cherry 7-UP is about to explode, so he sets it down in the corner as they await the arrival of their opponents.
"Tearin' Up My Heart" replaces Renegade's GOOD theme song, briging out a bottle of 7-UP. Blah blah, somehow it gets into the ring, and it's theme song is replaced by "The Ultimate Warrior Theme", and hey, look at that!
Ultimate Warrior appears at the top of the ramp, with a microphone.
"Talk to me, warriorrrrrrrrrrs!"
Naturally, nobody answers.
"Last week, after years of absence and an aesthetic career, I stood face to face with a man I at one time looked upon as my mentor. It's common knowledge that if you want to excel in any field, you study the masters, emulate the champions, model the virtues of the preeminent individuals in that particular field. You, Hogan, were the model of champion, the master of everything I tried to emulate, yet last week, when I looked through your eyes into your soul, I saw little or none of the virtues I remember or anybody here remembers. And if there are any, they lay shrouded beneath layers of deceit and infamy! Frankly, Hogan, how your present condition manifested itself isn't the material that needs to be analyzed and brought to closure on the world's number one wrestling program. Bottom line is, you sold out to mediocrity and when that became difficult, you sold out to mindless self-pity. You traded being one in a million for becoming one of the millions."
BORT: I'm pretty sure this whole speech is taken word-for-word from Warrior's promo during his WCW debut.
Warrior looked around, perhaps for a response. Yeah.
"I hear you! Patience, warriors. Patience is a great virtue. You, Hogan, miscalculated, for you never assumed someone would come forward that knew the difference between a rebellion and a revolution, an that, Hogan, will become your gravest mistake! But, tonight, Hogan, everything that you revere is now, from this moment forth, threatened. Tonight, Hogan, your entire world is going to turn completely upside down, for tonight...Hogan, I launch...unleash...the power of the warriors! I let loose the OWN revolution...the One Warrior Nation revolution!"
Warrior raises his arms, once again expecting a response, but getting none.
"A hero, a one-time hero, with an unlimited, yet undisciplined mind, is a dangerous thing. I intend, the warriors intend, to eradicate that danger. You, Hogan, will be destroyed. I intend...I intend to show the world that a revolution is built on better ideas, not belligerent idiocy! I intend to show the world a revolution that's based on magnificence, not malfeasance! I intend to show that a revolution is based on courage, not cowardice! And that, Hogan, is all that you need to know. Next week, Hogan, the revolution continues. Same Warrior time...same Warrior place...same Warrior channel!"
Warrior looks to the skies and prepares to head toward the ring, but the match only went three seconds long, and ended about ten minutes ago, when Renegade dove onto the bottle of 7-UP and picked up the win for his team. SACJ went backstage as a confused Warrior had a mild seizure, meaning he was trying to think.
BORT: Yeah, the title of this segment was taken from a Madonna song. It *was* featured on an episode of "Beavis & Butthead", though, and I likely got it from Beavis' rendition of the chorus.
Nitro Girl Siren walked around backstage, probably looking for a way to get out of the building, as she had no idea why she was there. She rounded a corner and bumped into Evil-Lyn, startling her.
"Siren! I've been looking all over for you!", Evil-Lyn told her.
"Yeah...look, I've got this big announcement I'm gonna make at WrestleActionZone..."
"And...well...it's important that I let you know what it's all about....now."
"Yeah, let's just...go in here..."
Evil-Lyn and Siren enter a locker room, and as Siren closes the door, Evil-Lyn can be seen placing her hands on Siren's shoulders.
The door closes, and all that can be heard is a loud gasp from Siren.
The Luchadores pull out a ton of cool double-teams on BQ to start. Parka gets triple-teamed outside the ring. In other words, Funpants beats the hell out of him, Sphere throws in a few cheapshots, and BQ ends up tripping and headbutting Parka in the nuts, due to the fact that TK tied the laces on his boots together. Sphere is jawing with the fans the whole time. TK gets the hot tag and decks Sphere, which is probably a mistake, since that MIGHT turn him face. Funpants is just being a motherfucker here. TK goes for the DVD, but BQ gets a german suplex, but a pier-six breaks out. Funpants gets the Cloverleaf on TK, but he escapes and hits the DVD. BQ makes the save. Wild stuff. TK gets caught in the corner and double-teamed. Funpants is being a mega-jerk, something he's very good at. Parka gets the hot tag (big pop, due to Parka pressing a button on his sleeve) and cleans house. Big babyface reaction for the DROP TOEHOLD OF DOOM. TK goes for the tabledive on Funpants, but misses and goes through the table. Back in the ring, Parka gets the Evenflow on Funpants, and Sphere casually walks into the ring (despite mild protests from the ref, who wouldn't let Sphere pay him off with a bag of Munchos) and places a chair on top of Parka. BQ hits the swan dive onto the chair, sacrificing himself and doing a major bladejob for fun, and Funpants rolls on top for the pin. Wow, great match. ****1/2
BORT: I have no idea where I stole that rant from...it looks like maybe a tag match where Chris Benoit and Dean Malenko were partners. I'll also point out that La Parka brought back his "crowd control" device.
After the match, Sphere jumps into the ring and tries to attack BQ, but BQ manages to grab the bag of Munchos from the ref and heave them in Sphere's direction, before escaping through the crowd. Funpants gets ready to kick the bag of Munchos in frustration, but decides against it. After all, he IS hungry. Parka and TK finally come to, and beg Sphere for some chips. He gives Parka one, and goes to give TK one, but instead kicks him in the nuts. He eats the chip in full view of TK, and then offers him another one. TK goes to take it, but Sphere kicks him in the nuts again, then eats the chip. He offers TK a third one, but TK isn't falling for it this time. Because of this, Sphere takes it upon himself to lift TK's hand toward the chip, and then...yes, kicks him in the nuts and eats the chip AGAIN.
Meanwhile, Funpants walked away from the insanity in the ring. A spotlight shown on him as the others left. He began to speak.
This one's all Comey. After writing the Virgil-Ike match earlier in the show, he insisted on having Funpants do some kind of PSA at the end of the show, and unlike those screwed-up fWo segments where one character would pop up in a bunch of different segments every show and sell NOTHING from a previous segment, this one actually worked since Funpants was already going to be in the main event.
"Ladies and gentlemen, tonight you witnessed something very controversial. I don't expect you to not say 'Well, you didn't tell us there was going to be anything controversial tonight, and now we're stuck with it." You see, you saw what is known in the industry as a "shoot" tonight.
Virgil's beatdown of Ike Chapman was not a work. You see, Virgil used an actual wrestling move, which he's technically not able to perform, in addition to not being allowed to perform, as was written into his contract. Since he did us all a favor and shut Ike up, no punishment will be handed down to him. I mean, look around me...wouldn't YOU consider any punishment you receive here a reward?
In the future, we will have a new ratings system, which will warn you when other controversial segments will take place. For example, if we're going to show Mr. T having a ballet lesson, you'll see "Mr. T having a ballet lesson" across the bottom of your screen. If we're going to show Mark McGwire hitting homers for today's kids, you'll see an imprint of the Big Bopper's head on all four corners of the screen...sort of like what South Park did to Barbara Streisand. That was good times.
Finally, for any segment that involves Sphere, you'll see a giant S across the screen. And, as always, any nudity you see on fWEo TV will carry a TV-7 rating. Boy, kids these days...they sure grow up, eh? Heh heh, that's right.
We at the fWEo want to make you, the concerned viewer, safe from any sort of tom foolery you may have come to expect from those bozos at PBS or any of the quote-unquote 'established television shows'. We are the fWEo, and we're looking out for YOU, Mr. Joe Consumer, of Everytown, USA.
(This deal is void in Canada and Europe.)"